s t i g m a ;

It's been a long time.

I don't know why you're greeting me with such a smile. I can be fine with anything, really. I've thought of everything worse. Just not a smile.

What's wrong?

Everything's wrong starting from me. Why are you asking me that? I'm a sinner. You shouldn't be worried about a sinner.

But you... You don't look happy.

Of course I'm not happy. I wouldn't be human if I was happy, How can I laugh after seeing you suffer for me? You're so cruel, yet so foolishly accepting about all this. It's disgusting, really. I'm disgusted with myself.

I've already moved on. You should, as well. For your sake.

I'm not as heartless as you are, unfortunately. But, if you want me to, there's a way. I'll have to be selfish again, and ask for you to help me. You enjoy being a saint, don't you? Then punish me this time round. Don't let me escape. Only then can I feel, at least, a little bit better about myself. At the same time, you can continue acting that angelic role of yours. Isn't it a win-win situation?

No.

Heh, you're not going to do what I say, are you? I knew it. I knew it from the start. You never do what I say. Not that I have any right to say anything, though. I don't even do what you say myself.

I don't think you know, so I'm telling you now to spare you from the agony. You're the one who has been punishing yourself all along. I can't do anything to save you. Only you can save yourself.

So basically, you're saying you're not going to help me. You don't have to come up with a bunch of excuses. I already know.

And you're still as stubborn as ever. Are you bent on not listening to anyone but yourself? If so, you need to start fixing that stubbornness of yours. I didn't teach you to be blind about your surroundings.

What's the point? I'm already broken. I'm beyond repair.

No surprise there, considering that you never ever bother to fix yourself.

And I don't think you know yourself, but you don't quite understand me as much as you think you do. I'm not a child anymore. You have to stop treating me like one—like my every action, feeling, word is juvenile and unworthy of consideration. Forgetting isn't as easy as ABC. Although it seems like it is for you.

I know that. I will never be able to understand you, just like you will never be able to understand me. But I really want to understand. If the victim, herself, has moved on, then why is the culprit still complaining? 

You haven't. You're just pretending that you are. But you haven't actually forgiven me, have you?

Oh?

Still, you've never said anything about it. You want to understand me, but you've never let me understand you. There's always an impenetrable wall surrounding you, and no matter what I do, I never seem to be able to break through... Yet, I can't force you to do anything. Couldn't, at least. Because I didn't have the courage. Because I was the one who was cruel first, so I should be prepared for any punishment that awaits me. But... I guess I really am a child.

You know why I'm doing all that. I want you to move on already.

I know that. Perhaps not knowing may not hurt me so much. Now that I know it, this pain and guilt have become so overwhelming. I can't endure it anymore.

Even if you can't, you have to. You had made your decision. What's the point of regretting it now, then? 

I don't know- I don't know what I'm doing now, or what I want to do, honestly. All I want is to run back to you, but something in my heart is pulling me to stay, so that I can't escape my chosen path. Still, it hurts so badly, and the pain only increases by the passing of each day. Do you know how sorry I am to you, to appa and amma, to halbeoji, to my dongsaengs? I'm the eldest, but I've pushed all the responsibility on you. It isn't fair. It really isn't.

Well, you've already done it, so you may as well enjoy the rest of your life rather than lament about what had been done.

You can do it, because you're cruel. Well, I'm cruel too, so I guess we're equal.

I'm just being practical. You already know you can't reverse the past. So why dwell on it? Both you and I, even your halbeoji, appa, amma and dongsaengs know that you've done all that you can. You've left for your dreams, but you've also left for us, right? Believing that this is your last chance... And now, you've succeeded. We're all proud of you. You have to be proud of yourself too.

B-But... all of you are suffering, aren't you? I'm the only one leading a good life... Don't think I haven't noticed, but you are comparatively thinner than when I last saw you. You haven't been eating well, have you? And you fainted not too long ago...

Because I'm ageing, young man. Believe it or not, people do age and fall ill. Even if you didn't leave, I'll still be sick, and eventually I'll leave the world.

Don't talk about such things! Y-You're not gonna leave. You're not.

If you're not a child anymore, you should know very well that you're deceiving yourself. It's harsh, but it's fact. So don't rebuke yourself anymore, Taehyung. If you still feel guilty, then make it up to me—to us—in future.

Heh. I hate you so much. You always somehow convince me to the point that I can't find myself to refute you. You're so mean.

You may think so now, but you'll be the same when you get older. Experience comes with age. 

I know. I always feel young, though. How I wish I can be an adult quickly.

That was what I thought when I was your age. Now that I'm old, I wish I could use a time machine and become a child again.

Why would you do that? Being a child is so annoying. I can't ever seem to control my feelings.

There's just something about youth that's so precious and irreplaceable. Once it's gone, you'll miss it more than you think. So now, have you finally cleared the cloud in your head?

Frankly speaking, I don't know. I understand, of course, that I should move on. But the wounds can never be erased, no matter how hard I try to conceal them. 

You don't have to hide them. Wounds are your experience. I used to wound myself all over over the silliest things. Just thinking about it is enough to make me cringe. Nevertheless, I think falling has allowed me to climb even higher. Only when you face your mistakes can you truly become an adult, Taehyung-ah.

...I see. Now I understand why I'm not an adult, at least for now. Then, before I leave, just one final question. I know despite all this, you'll probably never be able to forgive me for what I've done. So, halmeoni, will you at least tell me if there's something going in your mind, from now on? I don't want you to bear all the burden along. I won't forgive myself if I you do. So, please... Let me share your burden too.

...All right. You've grown a lot, Taehyung-ah. Come back home soon.

I will, halmeoni.

a/n ;
Out of all the seven songs, V's Stigma is really the most complicated and angsty one, for me, at least. I had many ideas as to what the song is actually about, but in the end I stuck with this idea, because it seems the most fitting for this song. This chapter is 3.5x shorter than Lie's chapter, but this is all intentional in consideration of the writing styles (Stigma is left vague to suit the actual song and take a break from the overwhelming angst in Lie, and mainly focuses on dialogue in order to display the dynamic and relationship between the two characters, while Lie is all about Jimin and his internal struggles).