review by -liberated. 

Title

I think it’s a simple, straightforward title that manages to portray a tone of melancholy. I ran a search through AFF and I’m glad to see that no one has used your title before so kudos to you for that! My only issue with this is just how it doesn’t quite stand out – the only downside of its simplicity. Regardless, it’s a clean title and does well enough.

Description/Foreword

I am a er for descriptions that use a single sentence to capture the essence of the story. It’s a beautiful description that provides the reader with the basic details, like the protagonist being a teacher, but still manages to lure readers in by leaving out certain information. I am excited to find out the owner of this voice (is the protagonist haunted by her inner self? Or is it someone else?) and why she is haunted by it.

If you crafted the poem in the foreword yourself, I’ll give you a thumbs-up. I liked how you deliberately used a rhyme scheme to give it some kind of harmony, especially since the subject matter of the poem is the sweet voice. I noticed how the last two lines were more of an eye rhyme rather than them simply sounding the same and I wondered if you did that on purpose to create dissonance. If you did, I am floored. My only complaint (well, not really, just personal preference) is that I wish you had used some form of metre in it to add rhythm to it and give a sort of musical effect. Other than that, I think it’s good effort that you dedicated a poem to the foreword, because I can see the sweetness of the voice juxtaposed against its effect – how it actually creates fear in the protagonist instead of comfort or reassurance.

Language

Your language is generally okay. You’re consistent with tenses and that’s great. However, I’m not sure if you commit this mistake accidentally because there aren’t enough chapters for me to determine. You tend to be confused when it comes to prepositions.

Eg: “I’m confused on this problem,” she answered… (chapter 3)

In this case, “confused on” is the wrong expression. The correct expression would be either “confused by” or “confused about”.

There is the occasional mix up in tenses as well, but it’s infrequent enough and not a huge issue.

Eg: No wonder the black-haired man falls in love with her (chapter 2)

“Falls in love” is incorrect here because he is already in love. The correct one would be “fell in love”.

Some awkward expressions can be found in your story too. Mostly due to you using the wrong words.

Eg: Jiyeon tapped her shoulder with gentle gravity. (chapter 3)

“Gentle gravity” is a very awkward expression. Simplifying it would make things flow much better. You could simply say “Jiyeon tapped her shoulder gently”.

Plot

The premise surrounding your story is terribly interesting. So far, a breakdown of the main plot line would be that Jiyeon’s bicycle tyre got slashed, she met Yoona and her nephew, who seemingly looks like the voice she dreams of. She had troubles with her mom. Yoona then became a new teacher and they became friends despite the voice’s warning and it ends right when Yoona showed Jiyeon a photo of, presumably, the voice. The setting is well-established right in the first chapter in which you talked about how the voice came about, Jiyeon’s background, and the school environment.

You began the story with a dream in which Jiyeon encounters her voice and can actually see him instead of just hearing him. I assumed that this dream would have more significance so I was slightly disappointed when you didn’t use this as a plot device. Having recurrent dreams could have become a symbol or something more meaningful. You could have expounded on that and made dreams a concrete theme of your story because your story does seem to revolve around the supernatural, or at least something along those lines. It is nevertheless not necessary and simply a suggestion.

The rising conflict is evident in the story, especially the latest chapter leading to Jiyeon being about to see a photo of the man in her dreams. The pace of the story is very well-determined because you give us something to ponder about every chapter, almost like a bait or a cliff-hanger to keep us reading and that’s done very well. Kudos!

There really isn’t enough content for me to completely analyze this portion but everything that has been done so far seems good.

Characterization

Jiyeon: Jiyeon is the main character and I think her development so far has been pretty smooth. She seems to have a short temper, as seen by her irritation with not only the voice, but Taeyong as well. There is a slight contradiction because in the earlier chapters, you mentioned that she gets soothed by the voice but she seems more annoyed and fed up in the next chapters. I understand that you’re trying to portray a duality to hearing a voice, but I think the transition from comforting to annoying could have been done better. Her stubbornness is consistent, like how she never ever listens to the voice, which causes her to make some bad decisions, like taking the bicycle to school and befriending Yoona. Furthermore, you mentioned about Jiyeon’s empathy towards Chaeyeon, the quiet girl in class. I hoped that you would perhaps link it to Jiyeon’s past or background that caused her to feel this way but you missed the opportunity. In fact, it’s pretty out of Jiyeon’s character to sympathize with Chaeyeon because she seems to be a little arrogant even, as denoted by her proclamation as “youngest teacher”. It would be nice to explain this bit and explore Jiyeon’s character further.

The Voice: We haven’t actually met his physical form yet but from what I’ve gathered so far, the voice is generally gentle and soft, except for times when Jiyeon questions his legitimacy. Assuming that you’re going to expand on his character soon, he seems to be pretty interesting so far. The Voice shows signs of some kind of omniscience even, because he predicted the bicycle incident too. I’m hoping to see more of his character soon.

Yoona and the Nephew: I’m grouping them together because they haven’t appeared enough for me to do an analysis on them individually. You’ve portrayed Yoona to be quite mysterious and I like that. She knows more than she lets on, especially since her nephew is the black-haired version of the voice and she has a photo of the voice. As of now, Yoona’s purpose is merely to introduce the nephew and the voice to Jiyeon so I’m hoping her character would be less flat in the next chapters because she has some sort of connection with the voice. I’m also hoping that the nephew is used as a character foil to the Voice in the next chapters.

Taeyong: I’m actually quite taken with Taeyong’s character here. You’ve managed to set him up as the typical rebellious student, and yet, he appears to be more than that when Jiyeon confronts him about the bicycle tyres. He dislikes Jiyeon, not simply because of his rebellious nature, but because he found her too proud and that is very telling of his character. He also straight up rejects the possibility of him damaging property and he actually seems more decent that way. (This reviewer is very satisfied with his character.)

Chaeyeon: Chaeyeon hasn’t appeared enough, only entering in the first chapter. Even so, you’ve given us bits of information that make her very real. She is quiet, but you included her hands shaking and that already tells readers that her silence is more than just her being shy.

In short, you’ve given characters traits that seem quite clichéd, but you add details to it and give them reasons. Well-done characterization so far.

Additional Notes

The first thing I noticed about your writing is that you follow the ‘show, not tell’ rule very well. The opening of your story was very well-described. The great thing is that the details are not unnecessary. (Pretty much the biggest complaint I have when it comes to The Fault in Our Stars) You wrote about how Jiyeon cutting out the yolks and only eating the white of the eggs. This gave a characteristic to Jiyeon – possibly picky – but your description “like eyes” was very telling of Jiyeon’s personality, that she was somewhat morbid.

I also love how you chose your words – they create a rather dark atmosphere for the story. Even when you wrote about a beautiful morning in chapter 2, you contrasted it with Jiyeon’s suspicions of a ghost, and that created an ominous mood. There’s evidently a lot of thought put in when you write.

reviewer's note