review by natocuty. 

Title (9.5/10)

I had to search for the meaning of the title to see if it’s relevant to the story-line or not. Nemici refers to enemies, it is fitting since the story revolves around two mates from rival packs. Deemed by their families as foes, will they be able to go past this blinding hatred and let their love flourish? The title is intriguing enough to make the reader click on the story.

(It would be appreciated if you could put the definition of the word in your description so that the reader won’t be forced to search for it)

-liberated: While I think using the Italian origin of the word ‘nemesis’ does make it sound more original, I fail to see its relevance. I personally think there is no need to use the Italian origin because the English word itself would allow readers to understand instantly what your story is going to revolve around.

Description/Foreword (7/10)

It thoroughly describes the plot-line of the story. I would have preferred if you had chosen a shorter and less detailed foreword to raise the reader’s curiosity.

-liberated: I’ve typed an edited form of your foreword because there were certain grammatical errors. I would have used your foreword as a description actually. You used your description section to place pictures and a trailer instead and those aren’t really useful to pique a reader’s interest.

Taeyeon is the daughter of the Silenthounds pack’s alpha. The Silenthounds pack is the second strongest pack in the world. Being the daughter of the alpha makes Taeyeon feel restricted and stifled. As she was sick of being suffocated, she managed to convince her father to attend Nightmoon University under disguise. However, the university is owned by the Nightmoon pack, the strongest and deadliest pack in the world. What will happen if she gets caught by a member of the Nightmoon pack and gets sent to their alpha, Baekhyun? What will happen if the two find out that they are mates? Will Taeyeon choose her pack or her mate?

Language (8.5/15)

The beginning of a story, more precisely, the opening sentence is of high importance. If written precisely and correctly, the reader will be encouraged to dive in the “imaginary” world the author has created. If not, he/she will probably lose interest. Therefore, I suggest you substitute your starting statement with a much more proper structure, such as the following:“Everyone has their own share of secrets that are left out of the public’s eye”

Instead of “What is the secret of theirs?” (Chapter 1) it should be “What is their secret?” The subject in question should be present after the verb.

When referring to a person, the word “who” is favored over the word “that” especially if you want to clarify that it is a person we’re dealing with and not an object. “The alpha’s daughter who everyone thinks” instead of “that everyone thinks”. You’ve already specified the subject, in this case Taeyeon (the alpha’s daughter) “she” doesn’t need to be added again, the subject is already present. It’s incorrect to use a pronoun to designate a subject that already exists in a sentence, for example saying “Taeyeon, she is...” is incorrect while “Taeyeon is” or “She is” is correct.

The word “ruthless” is overly used, a diverse terminology should be present. The reader can grow tired of seeing the same words repeating over and over again. Instead of the said word, cruel, cold-blooded, merciless, heartless etc. could be of use.

There is nothing wrong with using the word “said” in written dialogue, however it should not be used constantly.

“I’m so bored…something” Taeyeon said.

“I’m sorry…20 minutes more” Jacob said.

“Drey? Please” Taeyeon said.

This persistent use gets tiring and quite frankly boring.

“I’m so bored…something,” Taeyeon said.

“I’m sorry…20 minutes more,” a reply was heard or Jacob replied.

“Drey? Please,” whined Taeyeon.

Instead of putting their names every time how about you add a slight physical description of the character such as: “…” whined the blonde/ “…” a reply was heard from the dark-haired man etc.

Some sentences are poorly structured and tend to ruin the flow of the story. Instead of“I do have too much time on my hands to let me have the chance to improve my skills to the best it can be” a more simple and precise approach can be taken such as“The extra time I have is spent honing my skills to improve as much as possible”or “I have too much time on my hands that is spent on improving my skills”.

I believe you should have someone proof-read your chapters that way these mistakes won’t put a stop to the course of the events taking place. I’m glad you tend to be consistent with the use of the past tense; some people have difficulties doing so.

-liberated: Do note that when you write dialogue, you either have to end it with a comma or a full-stop.

Eg: “I’m so bored…something” Taeyeon said. (incorrect)

“I’m so bored… something,” Taeyeon said. (correct)

Plot (17/30)

The protagonist Taeyeon who’s grown tired of her father’s over-protective nature demands to go undercover to an all werewolf’s university (her new identity being that of a mere human and not the daughter of the second strongest pack in the supernatural world). The reason of this demand is still not quite clarified; did she do so because she wanted to live the everyday life of a university student? Or is it because she wanted to keep a closer eye on their rival pack? (Then again, she has no idea which pack Baekhyun is from). So far, the events that have taken place are highly similar to those of a cliché “High School” love story but instead of humans we’re left to deal with werewolves. The new girl starts her student days by capturing the attention of her peers be it thanks to her beauty, talent, strong persona etc. Angering the residential “” whose position seems to be jeopardized by this newcomer’s arrival and arousing the intrigue of our male lead who’s keen on knowing more about her. The plot has been used before, the only difference so far is that the leads are werewolves but that aspect isn’t showcased enough. Shouldn’t the classes be specified to the nature of the students attending? As far as we know there’s a music class (I fail to see the point of it, honestly). Then we have the typical project fiasco in which the two leads are forced to get to know one another and will most probably end up falling for each other (not to mention that the two are supposed mates). The idea of mates should have been more explained and detailed. So far there are ten chapters but they don’t offer enough information and intrigue to the reader. Why does the Nightmoon pack loathe the Silenthounds pack? I get the latter’s point of view but what about their rivals? Do the events take place outside of the human world? If so, where? There’s a lot of questions and so far few (mostly none) have been answered.

Characterization (16/30)

The characters are pretty superficial. They have no depth. Taeyeon is a strong girl despite her delicate appearance (a physical description of your characters is highly needed, some people might not know who Taeyeon is, either way, accentuating her facial features can help the readers imagine her in their minds, rendering the story more vivid, more life-like) who has lost her mother at an early age (her feelings regarding the subject are omitted, okay she’s angry but what else? We need to know more. Does she think about her from time to time? Does she wonder if she resembles her in any way? Etc.) I understand her father’s over-protective ways, she is the only one he has, therefore, it’s normal for him to want to protect her at any cost by being harmed his wife’s sacrifice would go to waste. An insight of his thoughts would be nice. As for Baekhyun we know nothing about him than the fact that he is the alpha of a pack and that he’s apparently cold-hearted and merciless. What made him this way? What is his background like? What’s his story? His past? None of the past chapters have helped the reader identify with the characters. How do you expect them to come to life if you don’t even describe their emotions, wants/needs and stories clearly?

-liberated: I cannot agree more with my fellow reviewer. From what I’ve skimmed through, there were so many things I wish you had picked up on. Baekhyun was introduced as a rather morbid and heartless character so this sudden change when he meets Taeyeon is very inconsistent. Furthermore, I wish you would delve into Tiana’s story because you’ve made her a flat character whose sole purpose is to obtain Baekhyun and annihilate all competition. This is especially so since she is a significant character, playing the antagonistic role. Explaining her fixation with Baekhyun or why she is so insecure, or even why she’s such an attention seeker would give her character more depth.

Additional Notes (3/5)

The slow pace of the plot got me bored on numerous occasions. I wish you would focus on the main idea of the story, on the rivalry of the packs, the struggling emotions of the two protagonists, the background of each one the leading characters as well as the supporting ones (those who matter of course). Don’t be discouraged by the score! I hope you take it as a push to keep on improving as a writer. I wish you all the best.

-liberated: I’ve also noticed that your text is centralized and I’m not sure if this is a stylistic choice or something else. To be on the safe side, I’d rather you just justify your text because I don’t see the function of the center text as of now. You also utilized a third person narration to convey your story and because of that, you have the opportunity of adding more details into your story, so make use of that! In chapter ten when Taeyeon was so angry, the glass fell. You could have expounded on that by telling us how Taeyeon reacts to this anger. Maybe she grits her teeth, or she frowns, or she narrows her eyes. There needs to be more emphasis on the glass because it seems like it might be a significant motif in the next few chapters.

Overall Score: 61/100

reviewer's note