Jongdae watches as another couple takes someone else’s hand together. He watches as they smile and laugh. At times like these, when he sees the happiness in his customers, he can’t help but feel the same. Because he does that to them, he put them together. There is a time and place for everything, he reminds himself, but then he looks down at his calendar, event after event, meeting after meeting, watching them all fall in love is kind of scary to him. He pulls out the only photo he has with others, and smiles.

This part was yours, he thinks to himself as he presses his fingers to the photo, over the person. It’s strange how it changes, how it all changes. You and I becomes I. The person he texts everyday becomes just a memory. They’re going on a different path and he’ll have to learn that it’s okay.

The texts disappear, the conversations become something, and people change. The love always stays, but someone else teaches him something else. That’s how love is. He smiles at the photo.

“Is he treating you right? Are you okay?” he asks out loud. The person in the photo never replies, but he’s sure that they’re happy. If not, he still wishes the best for her and prays every night that things will be okay for her in the end.

He adjusts his necktie because he has another person coming, and if they see what kind of person he is, they might look away. He hides his photo under a few books, under a few files, and smiles.

Because Jongdae isn’t perfect when it comes to love. He’s perfect with matching others with people. He’s wonderful at seeing a new love blossom, but he’s terrible at a lot of things. Romance isn’t his thing. When the next person comes into his office, he smiles brightly. A woman who he is used to asks him the same thing again, asks him why he isn’t taken, asks him why he isn’t engaged, and he shrugs his shoulders, tells her that this is a private matter, and sighs.

He doesn’t want love. He doesn’t need romance. Honestly, most of the time, he needs a glass of wine, a good Manhattan, and some alone time. He’s good with people, he’s bad with others, but it could be worse. He could be lonely. It’s an emotion he’s used to. He’s used to it. He doesn’t mind.

When Jongdae first met the girl that day, his heart raced for a moment, she, he chose her. A girl with a beautiful smile, a lively personality, and a warm heart. It was the beginning to the end, he thought to himself. She would be the object of his affections. That was where it started falling apart. She never replied to his text, she never showed any kind of interest, she showed nothing, but he gave her everything. Because she was everything he wanted to show, she was the first person he has ever had his eyes on, and he was always been a little unorthodox. The guys all liked the same girl, the attractive and popular girl while he, he thought she was pretty swell.

But, this went on for years. The initial attraction waned. He saw her for her. It’s still there, he thought. He still loved her, but things were different. She was different, she wanted to settle down after he chases her for years, after showing no interest for so long, and things never seemed right. When he hurt her, she hurt him, the resolutions were never right. He couldn’t figure it out if it’s because it’s him or her, but he thought it was him. Because on days they fall apart, he fell apart first and couldn’t give her the support she needed. And the blame started. The thoughts manifested into his actions. It was always there in his actions. It was always there.  

He forgets that she waited for him when he started trying to find happiness in something else. Because the chase was gone, she was by his side, and nothing was right.

So he treated her terribly. He talked about other girls around her, he talked about his other chases, and she took it all in. Something in him didn’t notice it all. He didn’t notice the edging away, didn’t notice how their relationship shifted, didn’t notice the tears that were appearing. Things just seemed the same. It didn’t mean it was right though.

And so, she fell for someone else, she kissed someone else, and he cried because this was  the hell he put on himself. He should have seen it coming. After the years of trying, after the years, after everything else, things didn’t work out like they could have. Like he should have. This could have gone somewhere.

When they met for the last time, he swallowed all his misery down his throat, hugged her close, and said goodnight for the last time. They will never be the same again. He doesn’t erase her number though. He doesn’t erase her from Facebook, doesn’t erase her from anything because they’re still friends, they still know so much and he doesn’t want to leave that. It’s just for now, he can’t talk to her. He has to learn to live without relying on her.

He has to remember how to breathe without her. It’s the hardest thing. He’s not sure how people are in relationships because when he became dependent on her, he stopped breathing correctly.

So, he tries to pick himself up. He cries when she leaves. He gets up the next morning and there’s a void in his heart that he doesn’t really understand. Is this what a breakup is? He doesn’t understand, but he shrugs his shoulders, puts on his shirt, and doesn’t cry because he misses her. He doesn’t cry that day at all. Because she is happier with someone else, that person may be everything she needs.

But he knows that his time is up. He tells everyone that they’re never going to be in a relationship so he knows what they aren’t. He tells his best friend that he’s over her, and it’s true because he’s over it. He just has to know how to fill the void of this heart. He took this upon himself. This is partially his fault and it will always be a part of him. Maybe, he won’t regret it one day, but for now, he deletes his Tinder app, he tells himself that he’ll get drunk that night, and hit up people that have nothing involved with romance or love.

The lighthearted smile on his face disappears for a moment of blankness. It’s as though someone took the wind out of him and put it in another gas chamber. He looks out the window, stares at the skyline, the city is stagnant. She doesn’t fall in love with the city, but changing people.

He laughs at it. The city never stays the same. The beauty remains, but her truth is different from his, and he never understands that this could be something else.

Sometimes, Jongdae wonders what everyone else thinks. How did he get here? How is he doing so well? Why is that he loses the love of his life and yet can find people who’ll love each other. It’s simple. He’s a bit of masochist. He enjoys the pain. People don’t know that some days, it’s harder to get up in the morning than others, or that he can go days without eating because he has deadlines to get to. They don’t know behind the smile is someone who is still trying to figure out how to love every flaw, but on other days, it’s easier.

It’s on days when he pairs Byun Baekhyun with Park Chanyeol just because they aren’t meant to be together. When  he hears that Baekhyun complaining that this guy better know the difference between eyeliners, or when Chanyeol just rolls with the punches, offers him a drink, and tells him that he better be working his 99.3% success rate on him, he can feel the goodness in him soar. One day, Baekhyun will come to him and tell him that he owes him a new condo. He laughs and waits for that moment.

It’s easier when Minseok and Jiwon are workaholics who need more time to do things. When he can just imagine the two of them together. Minseok who is a Prince while Jiwon works too much. He can feel it in his bones when they fill out all the paperwork, or when Jongdae tries to interview Minseok, but tells him to lay off as a good friend because love is odd, and people are strange. Jongdae learns that way too often.

Or when Jongin and Kyungsoo are supposed to be together, there is just something about the two of them, he can feel it in his bones that there something just perfect waiting for them on the other side. It’s not going to be perfect though. It’ll be messy and wonderful. Sometimes, it’ll break and hurt, but it’ll be worth it in the end. Relationships are always work. It’s whether or not they believe it’ll be worth it in the end.  

His friend tells him that he never puts in time for himself, to relax for himself, for himself. There is always something right around the corner that shows there’s something good about himself. It’s just right there, so miniscule, so beautiful, but he overlooks it all because his mistakes are grander than who he is. They are more prominent, bigger, better than the tiny beautiful things about himself.  

He knows it’s going to be hard work. He knows that these pairs might not make it together in the long run, but he’s willing to bet that they’ll get through it all. He writes down people’s names, sends them off to the underlings, and finishes the rest of the work that he has to get through.

Loving himself is a journey that he doesn’t really understand. Some days aren’t as perfect as others. Sometimes, he gets a little too loud and a little angry. Some days, he wants to go back to his old ways. He wants to just hook up and disappear into the night. Because then, he doesn’t have to remind himself that this isn’t love. Because then, he can pretend that he loves himself enough to go to bed with someone else. Sometimes, he picks up his phone just to hit up the people from past hookups to see them again. He craves it. He craves it. But then he reminds himself that she did that to him and to do the same would be too painful. People are not things to be used and after a long conversation with one of his favorite Tinder matches, he learns that better.  

He won’t be that person. He doesn’t want to be that person. Even if it’s everything he wants, simplicity, but that’s not how any of this works. Love, he thinks to himself, is a miserable thing for him. He lights his cigarette. He brews some tea for himself, and swallows the rest of his misery.

Sometimes, she comes up in his thoughts and he imagines that she’s in love with the other boy, some person who’ll remain unnamed. And sometimes, he worries that the two of them have no idea what they’re doing with themselves.

Because he knows enough about her that there is something missing and something not ready about love for her. It might be the way she looks at herself. It might be the way how she thinks she can’t devote her time to one person. Or it’s the way she talks about him, how he’s been left for others. And Jongdae would like to think it’s both because he’s not over her and because he wants the best for her.

He reminds himself that he’s choosing her good over his. He reminds himself that he accepts it because she deserves someone who’ll treat her right, who’ll be able to love her with every ounce of their body, and not have to worry about being forgiven correctly, or shown the wrong kind of love. They were too toxic for each other, they were the couple that everyone wanted to get together, but the moment they did, things fell apart.

It’s better this way, he thinks to himself as he pours himself for a glass of wine. He celebrates her happiness with someone else. He smiles because this means he has to move on, he has to put away those photos and remind himself that someone will be there for him when the time is right. Until then though, he has to learn to love himself even when he feels like he screws everything up. He has to remember it’s never solely his fault and that people are complicated. Things go wrong on both sides and what looks bad is never just his fault.

Loving himself is the scariest thing he has to learn, but whenever he sees the couples he puts together, who thank him for being friendly, kind, and slightly charming, he laughs and something sort of like pride surges through him. It’s in every moment that they look at each other, and he can feel that interest appearing again and again. It’s organic. It’s different. It is those small things.

He reminds himself almost every time he sees that photo of them. They weren’t meant to be. Maybe they were, but he doesn’t want to think that they could be. That would be wound him too much. Maybe in a different time, but they’re different too. He sips on his wine, cheers once to the sky and promises himself that things will be different tomorrow. He’ll be different.

So, Jongdae isn’t very good at dating, but he thinks it’s because he has a lot to learn before can say this person is his. He thinks it’s because he’s been so busy chasing after people that he doesn’t see that there are other more important things. He doesn’t torture himself with his dating services. He doesn’t break when he sees others together. He’s happy for them. He’s part of that relationship. He help them grow. And that’s okay. He’s busy trying to love the frayed ends of his being, he’s busy trying to wonder how people would love his broken bones, and maybe one day, someone will help him see that, but for now, he sips his red wine, and sends some files to his underlings.

Jongdae isn’t very good at romance, but that’s not really important right now. He is.