Look At Me

Chaeyeon/Jieqiong

Chaeyeon is not in denial.

Not anymore, anyway. She was in denial for a while but that ended quickly (also when Heehyun asked her what she liked about that boy and she really couldn’t answer).

She hasn’t told any of them. There’s technically no need to. It only complicates matters and she’s realistic - they won’t be together forever, it’s best to leave with good memories and not have to worry about having said something to the wrong person.

Not that there would be very many wrong people to tell this to. She’s sure they would understand. She knows that even those who would not understand would at least cover it up for the sake of the rest and the numbered days they have left with each other.

And Chaeyeon likes them. She likes them all for their kindness, their hilarity, their energy, their thoughtfulness. It would be selfish to introduce conflict just for the sake of making herself feel better. Already she spends very little time at the IOI dorm - there is no need to make those short hours any less meaningful than they are to her.

This is what she tells herself every day.

It has been working, and she intends for this denial to keep working but the universe seems to be conspiring to make it difficult for her to avoid Jieqiong. To be fair, the universe was nice enough to ensure that they did not do Whatta Man together, which would have literally been the death of her. Chaeyeon has watched the MV a grand total of once and has been diligently avoiding watching live performances (besides cuts of all the other members, of course) simply because she knows her limits.

There’s no need to make this more painful than it already is. There really isn’t.

So she clings to Doyeon and Sejeong and Nayoung, squishes Yoojung’s cheeks and runs after Sohye and Yeonjung picking things up. She even makes time to chat with Chungha and asks Mina and Somi to teach her a couple of things. If she sees Jieqiong’s hands wandering towards her waist (because the younger girl is naturally grabby - see kissing Mina for proof), she tries her best to find somewhere else to be, which is kind of difficult considering that they are supposed to stand next to each other every time the eleven of them stand in a row.

But it’s alright. It’ll be over soon. She knows she has got to be the only one who wants this to be over soon, even if she really will miss them all terribly.

This is what she tells herself when she sees them again and they start preparing for the new last song and they are paired up for shoots and they see each other again every day and gee golly she must have done something terrible in a past life because they are paired up for the couple dance.

She cannot help it but her face goes blank when she hears those words. Blood pounds in her ears but she forces herself to just nod slowly, acknowledge the statement. Unlike Doyeon who whoops loudly and high fives Sejeong, Chungha who reaches over to pinch Yoojung’s cheeks, she does not look over at Jieqiong.

Chaeyeon can’t look. If she looks, she’ll see. If she sees, she’ll think. If she starts thinking, if she starts thinking that she could even have a chance then it’s over.

Alright fine, she’s in denial.

She was not sure about it before but she is sure of it now.

Chaeyeon-unnie has been avoiding her.

Not that Chaeyeon is someone that is easy for Jieqiong to get close to, the two are fairly different in many aspects - Jieqiong is loud and in-your-face in person, Chaeyeon is quiet with a dignified air around those younger than her (though she has seen Chaeyeon snuggle up to Nayoung and even been on the receiving end of some very warm snuggles).

At first she thought it was just that maybe Chaeyeon just does not know how to be an unnie, but after Chaeyeon squishes Yoojung for the fiftieth time and even pats Mina’s head, that reason flies out the window.

Jieqiong has not necessarily been going out of her way to be observant about this but it would take someone with no awareness whatsoever to miss this.

Jieqiong does not know why. She kind of wishes she knew why so she can stop thinking about it. Nayoung-unnie is not helpful at all, just shrugs and assures her that she is imagining it. Chungha-unnie frowns a little but then Yoojung appears out of nowhere and Jieqiong no longer has Chungha’s attention. Sejeong-unnie she sees even less since the Jelpi girl is busy running around doing things or being dead tired and asleep.

She would apologize if she knew why.

Maybe.

(She does not think she has done something wrong - cannot seem to conjure up the memory where that would have happened and she is not the type that likes apologizing when not wrong.)

They had worked closely on Produce 101 for the dance number (which they both ended up losing to Sohye in the end), which had been a rather amicable experience, as far as working with competitors could go.

If Chaeyeon had been mad that she had been beaten to first visual, she had never said a thing so that would not be very fair and would be holding onto a long-time grudge, both traits being very un-Chaeyeon-like. If anything, Jieqiong should be grumpy towards Yoojung - except that Yoojung is literally a ball of fluff that needs love - and no one loves giving love more than Jieqiong. (Alright that was an exaggeration.)

The Dream Girls promotions had gone fine too. Jieqiong does not remember anything out of the ordinary. Sure, they stood next to each other all the time which meant that they did sometimes latch on to each other but that was more due to the set order rather than anything else.

It comes to a head after the MV filming and they get broken up into their pairs (and Mina who sits with them since it would be mean to make the Jelpi girl sit in a corner by herself while everyone else was brainstorming) and Chaeyeon just nods quickly at everything she suggests they do for their pair dance, saying nothing of her own before averting her eyes away.

She exchanges glances with Mina who shrugs.

“Unnie,” she hears from behind her.

Chaeyeon quickly grabs her blanket. It is cowardly to run but there are perhaps twenty days left for this promotion and she can damn well run for twenty days if she has to. It is admittedly a little difficult to run away from someone she has to see and interact with everyday but she can at least try, damnit.

She knows who Jieqiong wants to talk to even if she did not call her name, also knows that she does not want to chat right now. Or ever, the sneaky voice says in her head.

Her backpack is scooped up neatly in her arms, which leaves her neck pillow. It is not technically false that she is busy - her work with Drinking Solo as well as DIA keep her on the move almost all the time - but there is nowhere she absolutely needs to be right now.

“Chaeyeon,” says Nayoung holding her neck pillow.

Chaeyeon brightens at the possibility of an outlet, bounces over to Nayoung for the pillow, “Yes unnie?”

Nayoung jerks a thumb at something behind Chaeyeon and her heart falls, “I think she wants to talk to you.”

Et tu, Brute.

Chaeyeon attempts to escape, “I-”

Nayoung looks at her, eyes soften, “I think you two need to talk.”

No, she does not need to talk. This is not going to end well. There is no way this is going to end well.

Hi, I’ve been avoiding you because I think I like you.

Creepy. Weird. Bad.

Hello, likely very straight friend, I probably like you but I’m trying to figure things out.

Even worse. Awkward.

So uh, I’ve been trying to get over you even though we were never together.

Wrong.

Or even just, sorry I’ve been avoiding you but I don’t have a good explanation for it that will not make things incredibly awkward.

None of the scenarios seem even fractionally appealing.

Nayoung pats her shoulders as the cogs whir in her head and ushers Mina out the door which leaves the two of them alone before the magnanimity of the situation fully sinks in.

She hears footsteps as Jieqiong draws closer and is thankful to whatever gods are listening that there is to be no touching today.

“Unnie,” Jieqiong says quietly, “are you avoiding me?”

“N-No,” Chaeyeon says.

Jieqiong sighs, “Unnie, why are you avoiding me?”

Chaeyeon shakes her head, still keeps her gaze to the ground.

“You’re avoiding me right now even though we’re the only two people in the room,” Jieqiong snaps, “and you still say you aren’t. Unbelievable.”

Chaeyeon says nothing, hands tightening on her blanket.

Jieqiong’s feet pace away then back.

“Look,” Jieqiong says, waits for something but Chaeyeon keeps her eyes to Jieqiong’s shoes. Jieqiong huffs, “Look, I don’t know whatever it is that I did at some point, alright, but I’m sorry so can you please stop doing this?”

Chaeyeon thinks she can hear her own heart cracking a little since she knows Jieqiong hates apologizing for things she did not do, shakes her head again.

“I-It’s not you,” she says.

“Then? You’re telling me that you’ve been avoiding just me not because of me but because of something else?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Chaeyeon says, remembers that she is the older one in the room, and makes to leave.

“Don’t you dare,” Jieqiong all but growls, “It’s fine if you don’t want to work with me, heck it’s fine if you don’t even want to see me, but you don’t get to come in here, lie about avoiding me, say something crazy like it’s not you and then say you don't want to talk about it. You don’t get to do this. It’s not fair and that’s not right and like it or not, you’re still stuck with us for a while more and I’m at the end of my patience.”

Chaeyeon wants to laugh at ‘it’s not fair’ and then cry at ‘still stuck with us’ so she settles for a strange laugh-cough-sputter.

“I can’t,” she says.

“Can’t what,” Jieqiong’s feet take a step closer.

Chaeyeon shakes her head.

Jieqiong hisses in frustration, “Can you at least look at me when I’m talking to you?”

Chaeyeon stiffens.

“Unnie,” Jieqiong says, “Look, I don’t get it. I really don’t get it. I thought I’d be ok just letting you ignore me but this is ending soon and I don’t want to have it end like this, alright? This is not how I want to wrap up our time together. I don’t know what it is that you don’t like about me but I can’t fix it if you don’t tell me what it is.”

“You can’t,” Chaeyeon whispers.

“What can’t I fix?”

Chaeyeon just shakes her head again.

Your eyes. Your smile. Your love for the rest of the team. Your voice. Your perseverance. Your courage.

You.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Jieqiong says, takes a flying leap to the Island of Conclusions at Chaeyeon’s silence, “I look like an ex?”

Chaeyeon’s head snaps up, “A-An ex?”

“Oh now you’re looking at me,” she says. Jieqiong’s eyes are sharp but there is more hurt in them than Chaeyeon realized, “but yes, is that why?”

Take it, her brain whispers, take this out. It’s now or never. By that we mean that you either take this as a way out now or you will never be able to find a better explanation. Heck, she came up with an explanation and fed it to you. The stars do not align twice.

It’s not fair, another voice whispers, this is not fair to her and not fair to you. Don’t you dare take it. Say what you want to say. Do not lie to her.

Do not lie to yourself.

“Well, I can’t help it alright?” Jieqiong doggedly goes down this path, “I’m not going to cover my face up just so you can decide to look in my direction because this is ridiculous and you just need to get over this.”

Yes, Chaeyeon thinks, she does need to just get over this.

Well, says her brain, it’s pretty clear that avoiding her is not going to help you ‘just get over this’. You might want to try something else.

suddenly decides that that something else is to continue this conversation.

“No,” she says, “That’s not why.”

Jieqiong looks ready to tear her own hair out, or perhaps Chaeyeon’s as well and Chaeyeon cannot help but notice how insanely attractive that look is. All these weeks of avoiding her reduced to naught with a single glance.

She shouldn’t have looked.

Jieqiong hisses, opens to speak but the door opens and Nayoung pokes her head back in, “Let’s go.”

Jieqiong’s eyes burn as she sweeps past Chaeyeon, whacks her in the arm with her backpack on the way.

Chaeyeon thinks she may cry.

“We need to talk,” Jieqiong closes the door behind her.

Chaeyeon does not know how she managed to get the Fantagio girls out of the dorm but she also knows that if she must have this conversation that she would much rather not have it in the confines of such a small space.

“Can we talk somewhere else? What if they want to sleep?”

Jieqiong says nothing, pushes Yoojung’s pillow to a side and sits on the bed, curling her knees to her chest.

“I wanted to apologize,” she says.

Chaeyeon’s hands stop moving from where they were putting her things away.

“I got really mad earlier today,” Jieqiong says, “but I still shouldn't have hit you. I'm sorry.”

Chaeyeon shrugs, brain too preoccupied with how she can get out of the room as soon as possible.

“What do you want me to do?” Jieqiong says.

“H-Huh?”

“Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you? I can swap with Mina.”

Chaeyeon shakes her head. Swapping would only make things more complicated - people would ask questions. Her hands pick up again, transferring her charging cable and battery pack to her bag.

She can feel Jieqiong’s eyes on her but she cannot speak. She cannot think. She cannot begin to think. If she starts she will not stop and not stopping, with the two of them alone in the room, is dangerous.

“Argghh,” Jieqiong says, scrunches Yoojung’s blanket with a hand, “I wasn't going to get mad again. I wasn't. I really wasn't. But you're not helping. I can't read your mind. I don't know what you're thinking. I can't do this.”

Chaeyeon stops.

“Why me?” Jieqiong says, “What's wrong with me?”

Chaeyeon’s hands close on her phone, gripping it so tightly she thinks she hears it squeak in protest.

“Is it because I'm foreign?”

“No,” Chaeyeon says sharply, “It's not.”

“Is it because I'm gay?”

Chaeyeon’s heart stops. She feels the world stop with her.

Jieqiong reaches into the silence and pulls a rabbit out of the hat, “I don't know how you found out but it is, isn't it.”

She should not and cannot give in to hope. This is not how it works. There is no miraculous moment where they will suddenly discover their deep undying love for each other. Just because she likes girls does not mean she will like you. That is not how types work. That is not how the world works.

“I-I'm not ashamed,” Jieqiong says to her knees, “I'm not sorry about that and I don't intend to change myself just to make you happy.”

Her eyes shake a little and her fingers play with each other but her jaw is set and Chaeyeon is slowly but surely dying on the inside.

“It's not,” Chaeyeon croaks, “I-I didn't know.”

“Oh,” Jieqiong says, looking as if she would like Yoojung’s blankets to swallow her whole and never spit her out again, “well, uh, if that's the case I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell the others.”

Chaeyeon nods.

Say it, the voices in her head go, say it. Let it out. You've never let it out.

No, the other voice says, you know she'll take it the wrong way.

Even if it isn't the wrong way.

No, she cannot do this. It would imply all the wrong things, hit on all the pressure points. It would be tantamount to blackmail and it would not be right.

She swallows the words back down , feels them slide and settle into her stomach.

Jieqiong sighs at the sounds of the main door opening and the Fantagio girls approaching.

“Do you hate me?”

Chaeyeon shakes her head.

Jieqiong shoots her a wry smile as she leaves the room, “I guess I'll just have to settle for that then.”

Chaeyeon does cry, later that night.

“Unnie,” Yoojung says the next evening in the practice room, “Chaeyeon-unnie, you wanna come get ice cream with me from the store?”

“Ice cream again? In this weather? You just had some yesterday,” Chungha looks at them.

Chaeyeon shrugs, far be it for her to be the one to deny Yoojung anything. Besides, their practice room is way too warm even in this weather and she would appreciate a walk outside in the cold and she had not gotten any ice cream the day before.

“I'm guessing you don't want anything then?” Yoojung sticks out her tongue.

“Well,” Chungha says, “if you're going to put it that way…”

Chaeyeon smiles. Mina giggles.

“Ice cream! I-C-E Cream!” Somi flings her hands into the air and rushes over to Chaeyeon, “Unnie I want one too!”

The other girls scramble over to type their orders for the store into Chaeyeon’s phone. Nayoung keys two orders in and Chaeyeon tries to keep her heart from falling.

“So,” Yoojung says, kicks a pebble on the sidewalk.

“Do you,” she scratches the back of her head, huffs, sighs and then does a little shuffle. Chaeyeon resists the urge to snuggle with Yoojung.

“I-I heard you last night. D-Do you want to talk about it? You're probably pretty stressed about work because you're so busy and I know you  probably are already talking to Heehyun-unnie or someone but I thought you might want to talk to someone else about it in case it's because you're busy that you're stressed and I guess it might be a bit awkward to talk to me about it but I guess I…”

Chaeyeon hugs her, gathers the little bits of Yoojung in her arms.

“Unnie,” Yoojung says, muffled behind a jacket sleeve, “I love you but I love oxygen too.”

Chaeyeon releases her immediately and Yoojung sticks her tongue out.

“But really though,” Yoojung wraps herself around Chaeyeon’s left arm, looks up at her wide-eyed in a way that Chaeyeon most definitely does not deserve, “You ok, unnie?”

“I-I'll be fine,” Chaeyeon says.

Yoojung frowns and they continue on in silence for a block.

“I'll smack her if she did anything you didn't want her to do,” Yoojung says with a startling amount of determination as they cross a road, “Even if she's older than me. And taller. And heavier. And is a mean arm wrestler.”

“Huh?” says Chaeyeon, “Smack who?”

“Kyulkyung-unnie,” Yoojung says, frowns, “Is there someone else that I may need to be smacking?”

“H-Huh? W-Why would you need to smack her?”

“You've been avoiding her, then you talked last night and you cried after. Why wouldn't I smack her?”

“I-It’s not her,” Chaeyeon mumbles.

“Then Nayoung-unnie? You know they're not a thing right?”

Chaeyeon shrugs as her traitorous heart soars for a moment.

“Then?”

Yoojung turns on the puppy dog eyes again and Chaeyeon knows she does not deserve these wonderful girls but yet she is here.

“It's me,” she says finally as they stand outside the convenience store at three in the morning, the cold breeze at her face.

“Oh,” Yoojung says, “Ohhhh.”

A hand grabs hers the next day as they are entering the dorm after practice.

“Walk with me,” Jieqiong says, makes eye contact with Nayoung-unnie who nods.

Chaeyeon’s heart sinks. She knows what this is about. This is a hole that she dug herself into and that only she can get herself out of.

If she had wanted to keep it a secret she would not have said anything to Yoojung. She would have just shrugged and said nothing and this would not be happening. But this is happening.

They walk in silence, hats and face masks, scarves and coats, four in the morning. Chaeyeon does not recognize where they are going but she trusts the younger girl enough to not ask.

They walk and they walk.

At least forty minutes go by before the silence is broken.

“We're almost there,” Jieqiong says, but does not turn to look at her.

They turn a bend and the Han River stretches out before her eyes. The breeze hits her in the face, carries the smell of the water into her and Chaeyeon is sure that she is going to cry again before the night is over.

“So,” Jieqiong says, resting her arms on the railing, “Yoojung seems to be under the impression that I somehow rejected you two days ago.”

Chaeyeon looks down at the ripples of the water's edge on the rocks.

“I didn't say that,” she says.

“She certainly thought so,” Jieqiong shrugs, “gave me a real talking to about how I should be nice and considerate about others’ feelings.”

Chaeyeon cringes.

“A little rich, don't you think?”

Chaeyeon shrinks where she is standing.

“Not that it's her fault,” Jieqiong says, “Yoojung is a teddy bear. She has so many Browns that she's probably turning into one.”

Chaeyeon wants to giggle but the sound does not come out.

“You're smiling,” Jieqiong says.

The smile immediately wipes from her face.

“You haven't smiled at me for months.”

Chaeyeon looks back down at the water, lets the wind play in the loose strands of her hair not held down by her cap.

“I'm sorry,” Jieqiong says, turns to look at her, “I didn't realize I was hurting you.”

Chaeyeon shakes her head, opens to speak but Jieqiong presses on.

“But I don't know if I can give you what you want either.”

She feels like that should hurt a lot more than it does in that one moment as the wind picks up and there is the distant squawk of a sea bird.

She shrugs as she feels the final shards shatter.

“You're too kind for me,” Jieqiong says.

Chaeyeon’s head snaps up.

Jieqiong’s eyes are twinkling and Chaeyeon is falling so hard right now that she deserves it when she finally hits the bottom. She deserves it after being so self-centered, so selfish, after being unable to brave enough to say what she wanted to say, after hiding away and running, running, always running.

She waits for Jieqiong to say something, looks into those eyes that stare back at her and she must be reading them wrong - they cannot possibly mean what she sees - or they are far more cruel than she could ever imagine.

“But that could be nice,” Jieqiong shrugs.

Chaeyeon does her best to not burst into tears on the spot, feels the tension of months melt away, taking what little energy she had with it, but it does not work and she hastily dabs at her eyes.

“Uhm,” says Jieqiong, “That's not quite what I had in mind, but I'll take it?”

Chaeyeon snorts, chokes a little, tries to stop the giggles but ends up feeling like a buoyant idiot as she sniffles into her sleeve.

Jieqiong offers her a tissue.

“You deserved that,” she says, “you were avoiding me for weeks. You didn't even look at me. Do you know how that made me feel?”

Chaeyeon ducks her head, blows her nose.

“I'm sorry,” she says, “I just, I just didn't want to make it awkward.”

“By avoiding me. Even though we're in the same group. And stand next to each other.”

“H-Hey.”

“You wouldn't even look me in the eye and you used to let me hug you.”

“You were wearing those colored lenses.”

“So?”

“N-Never mind.”

Jieqiong smirks.