Chapter 5

Donghyuk

...a few weeks later after what happened previously.

“Come on eat up! You only had a few bites...Eat some more rice.”

I turn to Jinhwan and press my lips together when he wants to feed me something. It has been like this the past few days. Things like.

- “Come on eat up.”

“Just one more bite.”

“Have you eaten yet? Should we order something?” -

Those and more phrases similar to this, keep raining down on me, since they noticed that I stopped eating as much as I did before. Jinhwan-Hyung looks at me with an assuring smile, trying to make me eat as he poke the spoon in the air towards my mouth. I stare at the tip of the silverware loaded with a small mountain of rice and turn my face to the side, looking disgusted to even think about swallowing that. I can hear Jinhwan sigh and lift my head to look at the others who all stopped eating too. Hanbin sits next to me and eyes me with worry. To avoid his gaze I look straight when I meet Bobby's eyes. When our eyes meet, he drops down his hands with the chopsticks and the table shatters, from the sudden impact. His eyes look at me as if he is about to cry seeing my face. My mouth drops open when I see him pity me and I can no longer stand this kind of face.

“I am full. Thank you for the meal.”

I shut my eyes and get up from the table to leave into my room. As I shut the door behind me I can hear how the others let out disappointed sighs and mutter something but once the door shuts, their voices fade away too. My chest feels heavy and it is hard to breath. I build a fist with my right hand and hit a few times my chest. While I feel like I can breath again, I lean on the wall next to the door and slide down to the floor. Letting my head rest on wall, I slowly shut my eyes.

As I thought letting go is harder as it seems. Since I opened up to Hanbin about my feelings, I thought I could finally move on, but I was so wrong. Seeing how their relationship develops and becomes stronger, I start to feel weaker. My confusion might have cleared up but I am far away from being strong. I tried to distract myself by concentrating on work and starting a diet, but before I noticed it, my appetite disappeared together with the strength I just gained from talking to Hanbin-Hyung. Now the thought alone of eating a full dish makes me feel sick but since they noticed my appetite decreasing their worry increased and that makes even harder for me. Especially when Bobby is the one looking at me with the most worried expression.

“How foolish of me...”

I whisper to myself as I hit my head faintly on the wall and hug my body with my arms. As I wrap them around my shoulders I notice that my bones stand out a lot more than I myself, am used to it. I frown my eyes and get up to take off my shirt and rush to the mirror and look at my body.

My rips and collarbones are clearly visible underneath my thin and pale skin. The cheekbones stand out and make my face look haggard. I lift my hands and touch my neck and face while my lips start trembling. The person in front of the mirror seems like a stranger to me and I stumble back when I hear a closing sound behind me. I turn my head when my eyes see Bobby standing in my room, shutting the door behind him. I lift up the shirt from the floor and cover my body with it and turn to the side. My cheeks feel hot and I wish I could just vanish into thin air when Bobby's soft and gentle voice comes closer to me as his steps move towards me.

“Donghyuk-ah?”

I can't bring myself to look into his face when the smell of something sweet spreads inside the room. Confused I turn to him and lower my gaze seeing him hold a plate with warm muffins.

“Yunhyeong made them...We thought you would like to eat some? They are really yummy.”

I sigh and pull on the shirt to cover more of my skinny body.

“Why...why is it always you or Hanbin seeing me in the most pathetic state...I hate it...”

Bobby stays quiet but puts down the plate on the chair next to my desk. I follow his moves when he picks up one of my cardigans and steps closer to wrap around my shoulders while it seems as if he his hugging me.

“You should hurry and put on some clothes when you change them. Or else you get too cold like this. I don't want you to catch a cold, when we are about to perform at the Melon awards.”

As he fixes the fabric on my shoulders the sweet scent from just now mixes up with his own very unique smell. As if it would be the most natural thing to do and this time even without worrying about it I lean closer and rest my head on his chest. His heart stops faintly when he feels my body weight on him, probably because he must be surprised, but instead of pushing me away he only wraps his arms around my body. Feeling my bones I notice him clicking his tongue but right now I don't care about that. I am the one in his arms right now. Not Hanbin, not anybody else but me.

The funny and unimportant thought of monopolizing him in this very moment, makes me feel happy and excited as my body seems to heat up with warmth. Even if I know that it won't last for too long, but I want to take advantage of this as long as I can.

Bobby's hands hold on to me as if I am something fragile but that is not the kind of touch I long for, yet it is enough to make my heart race and my mind dizzy. I lift my hands and slide them to his back to wrap my arms around his body and lean my head closer to his chest. As my breathing becomes clam, I can hear his heartbeat in my ear when his deep voice makes my head lean back.

“Donghyuk...you talked to Hanbin...am I right? You know...I noticed that since then you kept avoiding me...no let me correct it...you are not avoiding me, but you make sure you are never alone with me. Could it be it is because of me and Hanbin? You know about us, am I right? Is that the reason you keep on eating less and less? You are not dieting. This is just an excuse.”

I lift my head and look at his eyes while my hands become sweaty and my chest starts to feel heavy and breathing normally becomes hard.

“Hanbin...he...told you about what we talked about...you...you wouldn't ask me this if...if he didn't say anything to you...you wouldn't have noticed anything...if...if...”

I push him away and take a step back to face him while I pull the fabric of the cardigan tighter around my body, that begins to feel cold.

“Donghyuk-ah, I was the one who asked him, since you started to act strange around me...I wanted to know...please let us talk about it. If I am the cause you are not eating enough then please...”

I grit my teeth before I open them and yell at him, but trying to hold back my voice so the others won't hear it.

“Don't pity me and don't think so highly of yourself! As if you are the cause of everything? Don't get ahead of yourself. You are not that important.”

I pant and step further away from him until I hit the front of my cupboard. Bobby looks at me with wide eyes and a shocked expression. As soon as I reply the words I said, I start to regret saying them in the first place and turn away my face, when Bobby clicks his tongue and sighs.

“Fine, so if it is not about me then stop acting so strange! Eat when you are hungry and even when you are not hungry then eat at least one proper meal a day and stop avoiding me! Don't make me worry about y-”

“I don't want you to worry about me!”

I interrupt him and his expression suddenly changes in rage. He steps towards me and glares at me.

“Are you trying to mock me? Are you trying to mock Hanbin? Saying all those things and now you try to act as if it is nothing.”

His eyes seem to turn dark as he stares at me.

“It pisses me of! You look terrible and you still try to pretend to be okay? Pabo-ah! Talk to me and tell me straight what it is you are bothered by!”

I frown my eyes and can no longer stand him raising his voice.

“I like you...it is true, but...It is so hard to give up. I am not mocking you! I know that it is pointless and I even told Hanbin that I could give up now...but...seeing you....seeing you two...I just...It hurts...and everything becomes meaningless...I try to distract myself already with anything, but it just won't get easier...It only hurts more...I love you two like brothers but the love for you is different after all. I was really happy being able to talk to Hanbin, but if I knew he would talk to you about it...I wouldn't have...I thought my love towards you would be enough if I could let it continue as the one towards a brother; I thought if my brain understands that you and Hanbin are dating then my heart will come to understand too, giving it some time...but...but...it won't change...it is still there...I can't help it...I still feel happy when you touch me, hold me, talk to me, smile at me...but...lately you only pity me...and I hate it and I by now even eating and work seems to much of a burden to me because we always do it together and seeing you and Hanbin together just hurts...I am sorry. I am so sorry.”

My breathing goes fast after I let out my anxieties, when my heart suddenly feels strangely at ease. Bobby looks at me but lower his gaze to my hands that grab the fabric so tight that my skin above my bones turn white.

“Are you feeling better now? Donghyuk-ah?”

Bobby's voice sounds gentle and understanding as I nod my head and blush uneasy and irritated.

“Shouldn't you shout at me or reject me or anything? Why are you so calm?”

Bobby chuckles faintly and reaches out to lift my face and his hands feel cool instead of hot on my skin as he caresses my cheek carefully.

“Do you feel how cold my hands are? I never thought you would yell at me with all you had.” He chuckles amused but nervous. “Donghyuk-ah, I think you already know my answer, but don't think your feelings towards me doesn't matter to me, they do! I just can't respond to them, the way you want me to. I am sorry.” He looks at my eyes and leans closer and kisses the top of my hair.

“I can only do this much, I am sorry; but please if your feelings towards me are as strong as I think they are then please let me ask you for only one selfish request.”

He sighs and reaches out to touch my hand.

“Please make sure to eat properly and don't hold back when you start to feel uneasy again. I may not love you the same way I love Hanbin, but I do love you and I just want you to be happy. I know asking this sounds like a bad joke coming from me who causes you to be this miserable, but I never wanted you to feel this way.”

My head became clearer and I can't help but let out a faint laugh.

“Didn't I just say, you are not the centre of the world?”

I notice how my mind and heart feels less heavy as I look at him. So rather than the unrequited love, it was the stress of holding back my feelings towards Bobby, that made me feel so weak and lifeless. Now that I just let out everything, I feel light and calmer. Bobby smiles at me and faces me.

“Donghyuk-ah, I want you to stop suffering. I don't want you to lose you as my little brother and friend and as our member.”

I look at him and shut my eyes; acting as if I am about to get angry again, but then open them and click my tongue.

“I already feel a lot better now...guess always holding back isn't the right answer to everything. I thought about how I could keep all my feelings hidden that I forgot and get tired of all the other things, I even lost my appetite and made everybody worry.”

Staying quiet for a bit I take a deep breath then look up and face Bobby again.

“I think I am fine now...but don't push it too much...I still have feelings for you so...the least I could ask you for is to try to hold it in when you are around with Hanbin. I am still not used to this-”

I was just able to finished what I wanted to say, when my stomach suddenly starts to growl. Bobby stares at my stomach with wide eyes then begins to laugh and reaches out for the plate with the muffins.

“You should really make sure to eat a lot, I want to see your chubby face again...and the others would be happy to worry less about you too.”

I blush and feel really embarrassed when Bobby offers me the plate with the muffins. Hesitantly I grab one and take a small bite. As soon as the sweetness spreads in my mouth, I get hungry for more and reach out for a second one; even though I still hold on to the other. Bobby chuckles next to me and takes a seat on my bed and watches me eat when he pats on the sheets next to him.

“You should sit down when you are eating.”

I nod my head and take a seat next to him while I continue to eat and sigh relieved.

After that, he kind of tried to keep his promise to hold back with Hanbin in front of me, but when we had the interview at the Melon awards, Hanbin and Bobby couldn't let their hands of each other. I still don't know if he intentionally guessed the names wrong, when he was trying to figure out what body part belongs to whom, but I was glad he did it because it made me feel happy and laugh, even though he had to made up with Hanbin by holding on to him by any chance given. Well I think this much is understandable and to my surprise, I didn't feel as uneasy and irritated as I did before.

to be continued...

...who is next?