Chapter 3

Donghyuk

The days after Bobby left, Hanbin kept acting strange. Instead that he tried to ask Bobby himself, he always asked us how Bobby-Hyung is doing and if he called any of us. Depending on that whenever we said yes, or told him, 'Bobby is doing fine' he seemed relieved yet nervous. The day before Bobby was about to come back to Japan, I can't stand this strange atmosphere of Bobby and Hanbin acting that way, so I decided to talk to Hanbin, why he keeps on ignoring Bobby. We just came back to the hotel after eating dinner out at a traditional local restaurant. Hanbin and Chanwoo walk in front of me and figuring out that Hanbin links his arm with Chanwoo I suppose, that Hanbins eyes must already feel tired again and he seeks support from Chanwoo. I sigh and use that change to go to him and link my arm with him as well. Hanbin turns to me and looks at me. “What are you doing?” I look at him and smile cutely. “Hyung? Can we talk later? I have something to tell you.” Hanbin frowns and turns to Chanwoo as if he wants to know if Chanwoo knows anything. I sigh and shut my eyes as I walk on. “It is nothing important, you could say I need my leaders advice. So will you come to my room?” I smile at him and act aegyo. “Hyungnim~, will you?” I see Hanbin get flustered while Chanwoo turns away unable to stand my aegyo attack. Jinhwan and June as well as Yunhyeong chuckle at us from behind and I grin at them faintly as I open my eyes and grab Hanbins arm. “Will you?” Hanbin clicks his tongue and sighs, when Jinhwan comes to us and puts his arm on Hanbins shoulder. “Just say yes and make him stop acting cute. We all start suffering once he starts to charm us with his cuteness.” He glares friendly but with a smile at me while I show him my bunny fingers and grin as if I am totally innocent. Hanbin lowers his head and stops walking while Chanwoo let go of him and turns around to him. I smile at him when he nods his head. “I am not sure what this is that you want to ask me, but I will go.” I grin brightly at him when Hanbins voice changes and sounds almost scolding yet warm. “And stop calling me Hyungnim, I feel old when you do that...so please stop.” Hanbin looks pouty and I can't help but chuckle when I see him act that way. Honestly, if I wouldn't always act as the cute one just to not make the others worry, I would definitely say Hanbin is the cutest from all of us. But while I was trying to hold back my anxieties and loneliness in the past before we debuted, I kind of tried to play it off by acting cute. Since then it became a habit that is harder to get rid of than to learn. And not that I am complaining but at times like this, that habit is my best weapon but also my greatest fear, since I am trying to be someone I am not. Deep in my thoughts Hanbins voice pulls me back. “Donghyuk-ah?” I blink my eyes and look at him, then try to laugh it off. “Sorry I was spacing out.” Hanbin sighs and puts his arm around my shoulders and drags me to the entrance of the hotel. “Yah, my maknae-to-be, let's hurry back so you can talk to me.” He smiles at me and I know that he does this to comfort me, but I can still see that he is just as irritated by something as I might be.

When we reached our floor, Hanbin told me to go on to my room since he has to make a another call before he comes to me. I went ahead to my room and take off my shoes to flop on my bed. For some reason I feel strangely tired. I pull out my phone to check on it when I see that Bobby-hyung left a message in our group chat room, that he is fine and is currently still at YG but will go home soon, to get his stuff ready and if any of us needs something from home we should text him. The chat room gets noisy as everyone seems to have read his message and they keep on chatting. I check if Hanbin seems to join them, but he is still offline. Just when I am about to turn off my phone, I see that Bobby left me a personal message. Not really in the mood to read another one of his messages, I open it up anyway and read over the lines.

'Dong-ah!? How are you doing? ^^ are you fine? :P You know, I know I have been bothering u for some time already, but does Hanbin seem alright? He isn't acting strange or anything? He still won't answer my messages or calls but he reads them. Can you tell me if he is alright? He is eating and sleeping enough, right? :O

I am sorry to bother you, I treat you to a meal, when I am back. You better decide to pick something delicious. :3 see u tomorrow. ^^ <3 '

Reading his message makes me kind of upset. The heart on the end of the message stabs my eye and I throw my phone away. “Stop sending me hearts you idiot! Be a little bit more conscious.” I roll on my stomach and hide my face in the pillows. What am I saying 'conscious'. It's not as if he even knows what I am feeling. He keeps on texting me but all he asks about is Hanbin. I know that this is idiotic of me to get irritated about this but, but I can't help but feel jealous. “I am so pathetic.” Drowning in self-pity like this. Just when I am about to drown even deeper in self-pity, Hanbin knocks on my door. Somehow and not really in the mood any more to talk to him I drag myself to the door and open it up.

Hanbin stands in the door frame and smiles at me. He took of his sunglasses and his eyes look at me. I sigh and open the door, trying to force myself to smile and to act as natural as I can. “Are you sure it is alright to take off your glasses?” Hanbin nods and steps closer and looks at me as if he is asking me if he can get in. I nod my head as well and step aside. He smiles and walks past me. “My eyes are still itchy and irritated but it's not that bad.” I glare at him as he turns his back to me and walks into my room. As I look at him I kick the door into the lock and follow him inside. He sits down on the couch and leans back while he faces me. “So what did you want to talk about?...oh and stop pretending to be fine, I know you long enough to know when you are faking your good mood. It's when you act disturbingly cute.” I stop in front of him and stare at him. He smiles back at me as if he sees right through me and I can't help but smirk my lips. “I guess I have been found out.” Hanbin sighs and leans his back on the couch. “Why do you want to talk to me?” Trying to not keep this up any more than necessary I sit down in front of him on the bed and look at him.

“Bobby-Hyung keeps asking me if you are fine.” As I say that Hanbin opens his mouth and seems flustered. I sigh and cross my legs and arms. “He keeps on asking me about you since, he went to Japan. At first I thought he was avoiding you and didn't want to talk to you directly.” Which would have made me really happy but...”...but when he said that you don't reply to his texts, I figured out that you are the one avoiding him is, not him.” Which made me really upset, but of course no one but me knows that. I shut my eyes and try to hold back this uneasy feeling inside me then lift my head to face Hanbin. When I look at him, I open my eyes wide. It's as if I am looking into a mirror and see myself in Hanbins face. Uneasiness, confusion, trouble and fear. My throat feels dry when Hanbin opens his mouth and talks shaky. “I think I can't face him again...I did something really...really stupid and...and now I have no idea what I should say to him.” I blink my eyes, as if I try to make sure that this reality. Hanbin looks troubled as he leans closer to me and reach out to grab my hand. “I am sorry that you kind of got wrapped up in this. I know you have already enough to worry about and I wish that I could help you more to stop acting strong when you feel actually lonely and anxious...but....I just don't know what I should do, Donghyuk-ah.” He leans so close to me that his face is only centimetres away from mine. I try to lean back to keep the distance between us, but he keeps coming closer. His eyes stare at me and I can't help but feel this warm and comfortable feeling he spreads out, each time I look at his eyes. I pull back my hands and push them in the bed to support my body weight when I shut my eyes and switch off my mind for a second. The last thing I can see is Hanbins confused expression as I come closer and press him back on the cough as I lean over him. Is that the feeling that you feel too when you are close to him? Bobby-hyung, was it his eyes that pulled you away from me? Those warm and honest eyes looking at me as if he sees right through me. He knows that I am not the person I pretend to be. Bobby you never saw the real me, you only ever see the me that tries to act as if I am fine. The me that is not lonely. You are by my side and trust me, yet I betray you all the time...while Hanbin sees right through me with his clear and gentle eyes. It is okay now...if I can't have you...then I won't give him to you either, that way you will feel the same loneliness I had to feel all this time. I lean closer to Hanbin when I suddenly feel his hands press against my chest. “Donghyuk-ah? What are you doing? Donghyuk-ah!” His voice rings in my ears but I don't care. I know what it feels like to be left alone. I know how to act as if I am okay, even if I break inside. I will do something to stop being alone with those feeling. Hanbins voice sounds so far away as I lean in to press my lips on his when Hanbin grabs my face and pulls me away and shakes me. I look at him kneeling next his thighs on the couch, while he stares at me as if he is about to cry. He holds on to my face and his hands feel so warm. I frown at him when his yells pull me back. “Donghyuk-ah you are crying. What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?” Crying? Who is crying? Me? I lift my hands and touch my face. This? Yes, those are tears... my tears. I look at Hanbin and suddenly feel so ashamed of myself. I back away from him and trip on the floor. What was I about to do. Why would I? My head hurts while the tears keep on running down my cheeks. Is this really me? Would I really pull someone who is just as confused as me into this darkness I am in, only to feel less alone...No...my loneliness won't go away when I make someone else suffer the same pain as I have to. Bobby doesn't deserve to suffer like this...nor does Hanbin. As the space around me seems to get darker and darker I suddenly feel two thin yet strong arms pull me into an embrace. Hanbins voice is next to my ear and sounds as if he is the one crying.

“Why are you like this! Why didn't you talk to me sooner? Why would you hold it in when you are crying like this now?” My head aches and my body feels weak. Stop, stop holding on to me and talk to me as if I am something precious. Don't be so kind to me as Bobby. Don't...if you do that...I feel only more pain. I want to shove him away from me yet when I lift my arms I only manage to cling to him so desperately that it fears me. He sways me and whispers comforting words into my ear, but I can't hear them. My cries are too loud to let me understand what he is saying. I don't know how long we are like this but my mind suddenly starts to become clear after crying out loud. Hanbins arms still hold on to me, even when I let go of him and lean back. My face must look terrible and I feel the tears slowly dry on my skin as I lift my head and face him. Hanbin smiles at me and I feel as if all the pain goes away. It is the same smile he gave us every time we had and have to face hardships. Those clear eyes full of warmth look directly at me and make my chest feel warm and calm. I lower my head and reach for Hanbins wrists to slowly pull them down on the floor between us. My lips tremble and my throat hurts from crying as I try to bring out the words. “I don't know why you and Bobby-hyung are avoiding each other but stop it. I don't think this is the right time to tell you, but we know each other long enough...” My lips quiver and my body feels heavy. “I...I am in love with Jiwon-Hyung. Since the first time I saw him. I know this must be strange coming from another guy, and of course I never told anyone, but... I don't know what happened between you two, but it hurts. That whenever Bobby-hyung texts me he only ever asks about you. I know that this is strange. I know I am strange myself, but I can't help it. That's why...that's why...please stop that. I was in love so long one-sidedly, I know that when one person keeps on asking or thinking about another like Bobby does about you, it's obvious. So please tell him yourself to whether stop it or your feelings, because I don't want to feel so miserable any more. I know this is selfish of me but I just don't want to end up hurting both of you...and I don't want to leave iKON either. I thought that I could keep my feelings hidden but...it is impossible...I reached my limit.” I don't know how Hanbin must look like since I keep my head lowered. My tears fall on my hands. I don't even know when I started to cry again but somehow I feel relieved to say what is on my heart. Yes, that's better than hurting anyone else.

For some time the room stays quiet. Neither I nor Hanbin says anything. Just when the silence is almost killing me, his voice hits my ear. He sounds gentle and understanding. “I am sorry, Donghyuk, I am sorry. I am sorry that you felt like this all the time all by yourself. I am sorry, I didn't notice how hard it was on you. I am sorry you got wrapped up in this. I am sorry for forcing you to tell me the feelings you planed to keep hidden.” I frown at him and interrupt him. “I didn't force you...if anything then it was me forcing you to listen to me.” Hanbin sighs and I suddenly feel his head against my shoulder. “Guess we are both in the same boat.” I blink my eyes and look at him. “Wae?” Hanbin smirks and sighs. “I am just as confused as you about my feelings, but you have the courage to speak about them so freely. I really admire you. Donghyuk-ah you are stronger than you think you are. I thought that since the first time I saw you. Honestly I am still in shock what you just told me, I never expected that to come but I am glad you did.” He sounds so gentle and I feel like crying again. He lifts his head and grabs my face and smiles at me then let go of me and leans back on the couch. “I myself did something really stupid, you know? But the reason I am avoiding him is because I don't know what this is.” Hanbin takes a break and sighs before he continues.

“We kissed. Bobby-hyung kissed me and I kissed him back. And then he left to Japan.” I stare at him and my eyes are wide open in disbelieve. He...He....he kissed him? Hanbin must know what I am thinking since he starts to chuckle. “I can't believe it myself, but that's why I am so confused. You see why I said we are in the same boat. I might feel the same as you do towards Bobby yet I am still not sure and instead of facing him I just keep avoiding him.” He takes a break then continues. “That's why I really admire you. I am surprised but I don't think you are strange. At least not as strange as me for kissing another guy.” I shut my eyes and somehow the strange feeling of being alone is gone. Hanbin smiles at me and somehow looks exhausted. He leans his head on the couch and lets out a deep sigh. As I look at him I crawl next to him and rest my back on the couch as well while pull on my legs. “Sorry...I am sorry too...I was about to do something really stupid just now too.” Hanbin lifts his head and looks at me as he brushes through my hair. “You were about to kiss me, right?” I turn to him and suddenly I feel shy and embarrassed as I nod my head before I hide it between my arms and knees. Hanbin chuckles and rests his hand on my head. “You know, I came here trying to ask you how Bobby was doing but then it came to this...it is really strange how things are developing...it is scary but I am glad. It means that the world is always moving so we should keep on moving ourself. We should not hide away and pretend to be fine. You said I should stop avoiding it so you won't suffer, but you know, I feel the same. I am suffering just as much as I want to avoid my feelings. You express your feelings yet you suffer too. In the end we both are suffering together, even if the reasons are different. So that means we are not alone with our feelings. Donghyuk-ah, I am sorry that I am still too confused to face my feelings, but trust me I won't ignore yours. That's why, please don't keep on ignoring your feelings, tell him as you told me how you feel. Let's find out together how we really feel about him and let him decide.” I lift my head and suddenly my lips build a smile. It's been only a few minutes and I feel as if he talked to me for the past few years. I am not alone. I am not alone. That's enough. I am not the alone having anxieties, or feeling lonely. I am not alone. Hanbin looks at me and take a deep breath in then turn to him and sigh. “You already won, idiot. And you know your feelings. Seriously, don't talk so big, I end up wavering about my feelings towards Bobby and end up liking you.” I chuckle and sigh and throw my head back on the couch. “I feel so good. I think I had to cry and talk about it. I feel bad that it was you, but in the end I am glad it was you. Hanbin-hyung. It's okay...I know now what I feel. I didn't wanted to be loved, even though I am certain that my feelings for Bobby was or is love, but what you just said made it clear to me, I didn't want to be loved back, I just wanted to know if I am not the only one who feels as anxious or alone as me. Now I know that I am not the only one who feels anxious, and I am no longer alone with my feelings. At least I met one person already who shares the same feelings as I do.” Hanbin looks at me confused. “Who?” I smile faintly and glare cutely but serious at him. “You. And from now on, I will continue to be true to my feelings and stop pretending. This way I hope I will meet a lot more people who share the same thoughts as me.” Hanbin sighs and leans his head back on the couch too while he reaches for my hand and holds on to me. “You know, I feel like we are writing the lyrics to a really tragic love song.” My lips build a smile and before I notice it I start laughing together with Hanbin until we both sigh. Hanbin shuts his eyes and covers them with his arm. “You know, I never thought we would ever talk like this, but at the same time I feel as if it is the most normal thing to do.” Me too...I feel the same way Hanbin-Hyung. “Hanbin-hyung, Bobby seems to be really worried. I think you should talk to him. No matter what you decide but just so you know now, if you don't get honest with your feelings, I might end up stealing him from you.” Hanbin sighs and turns to me. “You can't steal anything that isn't mine to begin with, but I know what you mean. Let's both just do our best! Araso! And whatever the outcome we won't end up getting upset! Because in the end this decision is up for Bobby-hyung to decide.” Hanbin-ah, you know that I already gave up on him when you said you kissed him. There is no way I would dare to do that, no matter how I feel....is what I wanted to say, but that would only make this more cheesy as this conversation already is. “Hanbin-ah, thank you. For being who you are and for treating me so preciously.” I sit up and bow my head respectfully, when Hanbin clicks his tongue and pulls on my shoulders to hug me while he ruffles my hair with his hand before he let go of me and grabs my face. “Aigo~ if this is isn't my cute maknae-to-be. Aigoooo~ let's eat ice cream!” I frown at him and try to talk but my voice sounds strange and funny because Hanbin squeezes my cheeks together. “Itch creean?” Hanbin nods and let go of me. “We need lots of ice cream and dramas! So until Bobby comes back and we both face him we, will drown ourselfs in ice cream and dramas! Araso!” He gets up on his feet and looks at me then helps me up too. As he walks to the phone to call the room service, I can't help but be worried about this sudden idea. “Hanbin-Hyung, won't watching a movie hurt your eyes?” Hanbin frowns but then shakes his head and smiles. “It's fine, I already worked on my tablet today and it almost...almost didn't hurt.” I sigh and walk next to him. “Araso, then I will call and order the ice and you decide on the movie.” Hanbin grins and jumps on my bed and immediately starts looking for a movie. As I wait for the hotel staff to pick up, start to feel at ease. The past few minutes and what I was about to do, and what I did. Hanbins words and support. It all made me realise one thing. Right now and from now on, I am not alone. I have people around me who care for me and accept me...even if it only Hanbin for now, but if I keep on being myself, I will manage and grow stronger. Hanbin-ah, thank you. Appa. I will grow stronger and face my true feelings, I won't run away and pretend to be someone I am not. After all I am not alone. Hanbin smiles at me briefly then turns back to the screen and as soon as the room service picks up the phone, I order way too much ice cream for only two people, but today we will both drown in ice cream and dramas... together.

...to be continued