Park Chanyeol smiles. It’s what he is known for. It’s what he does even when the mask has accumulated too many cracks to pass off as real, even when the phantom weight riding his shoulders gets heavier. The cords in his neck pull hard, setting off a dull ache in his side temples that soon turns into a migraine.

An idol life is stressful. It’s practicing the same choreography over and over again, recording songs until dawn, doing appearances on lame shows that poke fun at you, and keeping cool even in front of all kinds of fans no matter now crazy. And when all the spotlights start to shine on you, everything doubles and it gets even harder. It’s solo schedule requests, never ending concert tours and endless flights because you’re suddenly international. It’s schedules that make the hours blur together until you lose track of time, lose track of yourself.

An idol’s life is…hell.

At least, that’s how it feels that morning as Park Chanyeol sits in his car, eyes staring at his calloused hands gripping the steering wheel. He’s afraid to let go because the entire world might set off spinning once again and his time is up.

Ten minutes of crying is all he can afford. Longer becomes too much. Shorter is not enough. Yet it’s been fifteen minutes and he can’t move. There’s a twister of dark thoughts reaping chaos inside his head. Even if he puts on the happy virus mask, there’s no way it’ll conceal the kind of mess he is right now.

A chime and tiny vibration buzzes from the middle console.

Chanyeol takes a deep breath. He releases one hand from the steering wheel and grabs his phone. The screen shows a message from Baekhyun.

Dae, Hunnie and I are at the park. Come join us when you can!

Going means his mask needs to be perfect. He’ll need to be energetic and active and happy to match them, and that won’t be possible. Not today. Today his ten minutes haven’t worked to dissipate any of the stress and anxiety festering inside. Chanyeol chuckles at this remembering his sister’s advice.

Yoora had taken his hands and tried to envelop them in her tiny ones. “You have to let it out, Channie. Let it out like gas. It’ll stink, and maybe it’ll hurt a bit if it’s a big one, but at least you won’t feel sick anymore.

But letting it rip didn’t work today. The ten minutes weren’t enough, because there’s still a heaviness inside him threatening to drag him under.

There’s a second part to Yoora’s advice that he’s never tried, though. “If that fails, then talk to someone. Me, a friend, your bandmates, anyone who can give you five minutes. Just don’t let the ugly thoughts stay inside, okay?”

Chanyeol had promised her.

Unfortunately, the rapid fire schedule and everything else has built up the tension too fast so that Chanyeol didn’t notice until it was too late. Until he parked his car after a long drive and his body refused to move, because what is the point of moving anymore?

The apartment is quiet when he walks in. Not a good sign. Quiet means empty, and he needs someone. Lay-hyung’s quiet presence usually is enough to soothe him, but he’s in China again. Minseok always takes their free days to visit his parent’s, so he’s probably gone too. Junmyeon.

Chanyeol moves quietly towards Sehun and Junmyeon’s room. The door is closed so he knocks with the backs of two fingers. “Hyung? Are you there?”

The door opens shortly after. Junmyeon is wide awake and fully dressed, phone and wallet in his hand. He looks ready to go out. I shouldn’t waste his time. “Hey, I thought you were out with Baek and the others?”

Didn’t even notice I was gone. Chanyeol smiles even as his stomach knots in bitter disappointment. “No. I went driving and just came home.”

“Oh.” A tiny wrinkle forms between Jun’s brows. “Is everything okay?”

No, it’s not. Chanyeol his lips. “Hyung, can we…talk?”

“Of course. Let me just—” Lightsaber begins playing from Junmyeon’s phone. He shoots an apologetic smile and then answers the call. “Hello?...Minho Yeah, I was about to head out…could we reschedule? I have to…”

Chanyeol makes an X shape with his hand.

“Hold on.” Junmyeon mutes the phone. “What?”

“It’s okay hyung, we can talk later. Don’t cancel on my account.” Chanyeol takes a single step back.

Junmyeon frowns again, his eyes roving over Chanyeol’s face. “Are you sure? I don’t mind.”

Chanyeol’s smile is so tight, the corners of his lips ache. “Yes, I’m sure.”

Minutes later, the front door closes and the echo is too loud in Chanyeol’s ears. It screams cutting words at him—alone, unimportant, unwanted. His eyes start to burn, tears ready to boil over for the second time that morning. He lets out a huge breath and shakes his head. No. He can’t let go again, not yet.

There has to be someone who can listen to him.

Further search reveals Jongin isn’t in his room. Chanyeol reaches for his phone to call his ex-roommate when he remembers that Jongin is probably with Soojung noona. It wouldn’t be fair to interrupt them with his problems, not when their dates are already limited to stolen hours from their busy schedules.

It really isn’t fair to interrupt anyone with his problems.

The bathroom door at the end of the hall cracks open and a sleepy Kyungsoo walks out. His hair is a fuzzy mess, and his round eyes look even more owlish behind his big circle glasses.

Chanyeol’s heart gives a painful thump against his ribcage, and he massages the spot with a hand. “Good morning, Soo.”

Kyungsoo gives him a half wave before continuing on his way to the kitchen.

Chanyeol trails after him, like a lost puppy in need of attention. He really needs five minutes of someone just listening to him, but his target is being difficult as always. Kyungsoo rummages through the fridge and doesn’t turn to acknowledge him, even when Chanyeol makes a big show of sitting himself on one of the island’s stools.

It hurts to be ignored, makes him feel like a living ghost, alive but dead to Kyungsoo. Chanyeol refuses to give up so easily. “Are you doing anything today?”

“No.” Kyungsoo ours himself a glass of juice, back still turned to Chanyeol.

“Oh, okay. Do you…want to help me with some songs?”

No answer.

“We could play a game instead.”

Silence.

“Or watch a movie?”

Nada.

Chanyeol grins. There’s a sure way to get his attention. “Kyungsoo…Soo…Kyungsooyah…Kyung—”

The fridge door slams closed. Kyungsoo turns to him, orange juice in hand, expression flat and slightly annoyed. “Could we not do this today? It’s our free day.”

You’re such a bother, an annoyance. Chanyeol’s smile wavers. “S-Sorry…um, can we talk?”

A huge sigh.

“It’ll be fast. I promise.” Chanyeol’s throat goes dry, so he swallows. “I’m having a hard time and—”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. “So talk to the resident feels expert.”

He doesn’t care. No one cares. “Junmyeon-hyung just went out, so I thought we could….”

“Great.”

No one will listen. Why even bother? You’re not worth it, Chanyeol.

Chanyeol stands so fast the stool screeches against the floor and almost topples over. His vision becomes blurry and he widens his eyes, hoping it’ll keep the tears in. “I’ll just…go. I didn’t mean to…to bother you.”

Kyungsoo’s is frozen in place, eyes wide and mouth slightly open. “Yeol…”

Trying a smile is hopeless at this point, but Chanyeol does it anyways, because that is his thing, right? To always smile. So, he smiles, even when his lips wobble and hot tears trail fast down his stretched cheeks. “It’s fine. H-Have a nice day, okay?”

Chanyeol turns on his heel and hurries out of the kitchen. He’s never been more grateful for having such long legs—even if they’re bowed—because they propel him away from his shameful moment and into the safety of his room. He crawls into bed, but doesn’t lay down. The pressure coiled in his chest hurts too much, so he draws his knees up and curls into himself, back pressed against the wall.

Ten minutes. Just ten minutes and I’ll pick up myself.

The hardest thing is to breathe. Every inhale is fire, burning up his insides, fueling his insecurities. Every exhale is frozen cold, leaving behind a dark landscape threatens to swallow him whole. He digs his fingers where they clench onto his forearms, nails cutting deep. The pain keeps him from drowning and loosing too much of himself during the emotional storm.

You are alone. Alone. So…alone.

A pained yelp escapes his lips at a sudden touch. The hand that settles over his back moves over until it’s an arm draped over his shoulders. A warm presence nestles onto his side.

“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo’s deep voice rumbles over his shoulder as the younger presses his face there. “I’m sorry, hyung.”

Chanyeol shakes his head. “It’s—not—your fault,” he manages to say between gasps. He’s messing things up as always. Making Kyungsoo think he’s to blame is the last thing he wants. But he can’t stop crying long enough to explain himself. It’s my mess, my mess, my mess…

“I’m so sorry. I’m here now. I’ll listen to you, okay?” Kyungsoo keeps murmuring soothing words against Chanyeol’s shoulder, his strong arms wrapped tightly around Chanyeol, keeping him from breaking into a million unworthy pieces and blowing away into nothingness.

A shift happens as the minutes tick by.

The pressure in Chanyeol’s chests eases up bit by bit, enough so he unclenches his fingers, leaving behind deep nail indents that will no doubt still like hell later on. The next exhale brings his shoulders down, relieving the tension in his neck. His temples still throb, but that doesn’t stop him from leaning back until his head touches Kyungsoo’s.

Chanyeol closes his eyes, breathing deep, and taking strength from the temporary anchor that is Kyungsoo until the last of his tears dries up. Exhaustion settles over him like a blanket. Chanyeol wants to stay like this forever, but there are things that need to be said, explained, and fixed. Pulling back feels like saying goodbye, even if they’re still mere inches apart.

Kyungsoo’s eyes are watery, and he takes off his glasses to rub at them. When he fixes them back over his nose, he looks up at Chanyeol. “Talk to me, hyung.”

Except for his sister, no one has ever looked at him like that, like they’re willing to give up all the time in the world in favor of sitting there and listening to him. So, Chanyeol takes a deep breath and starts talking. It’s only fair he starts at the beginning, explaining his depression and anxiety episodes, how he’s seen doctors for them in the past, but being an idol of their caliber doesn’t allow for many secrets and so he’d stopped going choosing to deal with it on his own with the help of his family. But sometimes it’s hard, too hard, and it creeps upon him unannounced.

Kyungsoo lets him pour everything out, until Chanyeol’s words run out. Then it’s his turn. In his very typical no-nonsense semi-aggressive manner, Kyungsoo explains why Chanyeol is the biggest idiot ever, why he should not give a flying about idol culture, the management, or fans because his health is more important than ever, and why next time he can just tie Kyungsoo or any of the other members down onto a chair until they listen to him.

“Also,” Kyungsoo grips Chanyeol’s forearm, “never ever do this to me again, okay? Seeing you break down like that…I couldn’t...It broke my heart.”

Chanyeol is breathless, afraid to move and break the moment. He cares.

“You’re not alone, Yeol,” Kyungsoo says, looking up at him. “I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you. It’s not a bother or an annoyance. If you need to talk, I’ll listen. Okay?”

When Chanyeol cover’s Kyungsoo’s hand with his own, his fingers are shake. “Thank you.”

They sit on the bed side by side in silence. It’s not a bad silence. It’s a soft lull that grounds Chanyeol further, allowing him a moment to glue more pieces of himself back together. Come tomorrow, he has to be a full happy human once more, ready to face cameras and fans. But for now, he can be a little broken. Kyungsoo won’t judge.

It still scares him when, suddenly, Kyungsoo springs up from beside him.

“Come on,” Kyungsoo says. “Let’s do something today.”

“You want to hang out? Are you okay?” Chanyeol grins. Soo wants to hang out with me!

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes.

Chanyeol bounces on the bed. “What do you want to do?”

“You pick,” Kyungsoo says.

Chanyeol narrows his eyes and thinks really hard about it. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime—Soo voluntarily choosing to hang out a full day with him—so he can’t screw it up. If he’s going to ask for something, it has to be epic and memorable and...I got it. “Can we work on the Love Yourself cover? We did kind of promised.”

“Perfect.” Kyungsoo’s heart-shape smile lights up the room, and Chanyeol’s heart soars high above any stormy thoughts left behind.

----
Too many feels after that IG post ;;;;