(Kai’s P.O.V)

I looked at myself in the mirror as I was put into makeup for tonight’s concert. Every time they put a brush to my face they painted me a color that was not of myself, I would wonder what Allysha would say….. every time I let them paint my face white…. Then I would smile picturing her getting mad and starting fights with the visual director. That was when I fell… I had to keep her in my life somehow. If being friends was the way to do it, then it had to be done. I smiled at the memory from today, telling her she had no choice but to be my date for the party on Saturday.

“What are you smiling about?” Kyungsoo asked as he sat down in the makeup chair. I looked up at him with wide eyes. “You’re thinking about her again, aren’t you?” he chuckled. I tried to contain my smile but I couldn’t. I hid my face behind my hand and giggled like a school girl. When I’m thinking about her, it shows. “You’ve got it bad, huh?” he asked. I was blushing so hard I couldn’t even speak.

“I went to see her today…”

“That’s where you went on break?” he asked me as the makeup artist began to coat his face with primer as he sipped his iced coffee.

“Yep! We had lunch….then I asked her to be my plus one.” I said casually. His eyes widened as he almost choked on his drink.

“You did what?!” he exclaimed.

“What’s the big deal? She’s close to me and she used to work for the company-”

“Exactly! Used to work for the company! Jongin, I don’t think it’s a good idea. She and the visual director didn’t exactly leave off on the best of terms-”

“He doesn’t have to be around her all night! I’m not stupid…” I pouted. “….I thought things through. If he wants to follow us around all night, let him. I don’t care. As long as I get to be around her….”

He sighed and shook his head. “You really like this girl don’t you?”

“Well…….yeah….”

“Wouldn’t you rather date somebody that’s a little more accepting? Not that I don’t accept her. We all know the boys and a good handful of people here really liked her. But the public might not be as accepting as we are…..”

“And? You act like I care about what the public thinks. I cater to the public every day….” I huffed sitting back in the chair as the makeup artist finished. I turned to look in the mirror and I began to see that person that everyone loved. I wasn’t Jongin tonight. I was Kai. I’m always Kai. Even when I’m Jongin, I’m still Kai. It’s behind closed doors, when I get home and the makeup comes off that I become that less confident, cowering boy that is truly Kim Jongin. That boy that’s so soft. That boy who’s ashamed of his imperfections. I balled up my fist as I stared at myself. Why did I have to go through so much trouble just for people to like me?

“Kai, get mic’d. It’s showtime in 10.” The tech producer said. I stood up, taking my navy blue blazer with me. I was passed a mic and I hooked it around my ear adjusting it to my mouth as they began to tape it to my cheek and hook wires through my clothing. They wrapped the bandage around everything nice and tight so nothing would fall as I performed and I was sent off backstage. I put on my blazer as my members followed behind me. I could hear Suho giving us a short pep talk as we went and patting us all on the back like a proud mother. The lights in the house went off and we all got into position on stage. I adjusted my ear piece and closed my eyes to give myself a moment to breathe. When the music cued, I turned and began the performance of the night. Selling myself and catering to the imagination of thousands of girls who paid so much money just to watch me. I…well….Kai sure as hell was going to give them what they paid for.

The show had ended and we bowed to the crowd. It was finally over…..NOT. There was still a Hi-Touch and VIP fan meetings to do. So many pictures to take. That saying that every photo taken of you is a piece of your soul, gone. If that’s true, I don’t have one at all. My face began to hurt from all the smirking and smiling. Although some things were actually funny, a majority was all a show. All I had to do was smile and wave. And after that, there were interviews, cameras in my face every three seconds. Before I knew it, I was being rushed to my van with the company of bodyguards. As the doors closed, I sighed. So many muffled cries and screams from fans. Don’t get me wrong. I love my fans. They’re the absolute best. I’m just so tired…. I knew I was going to shower as soon as I got the chance-

“I call first shower!” Baekhyun shouted followed by a series of groans from the other members. He made a face. “Yah, yah, yah! I worked hard tonight! Did you hear that high note I hit tonight? I don’t think you did-”

“Ok, clearly I hit some equally great, if not better than you, high notes. Okay? Just sayin’-” Chen said with a sassy tone.

“Yah, you all always forget about me!” Kyungsoo hollered.

“Can you two stop whining?” Tao exclaimed.

“You’re the one to talk.” Xiumin chuckled from the front seat. I smiled lightly. I looked to my left to see Lay knocked out already.

“Let Lay and Kai shower first. They danced harder than I ever seen tonight.” Suho said as Lay stirred in his sleep.

“But-”

“Byun Baekhyun, don’t you ‘but’ me. The rest of you can rock paper scissors for the next turn.” He said.

That’s what I dealt with. My own dysfunctional functional family.

It wasn’t long before I was in the confines of my own room. I took my hoodie off and chucked it at the window before letting my body crash into the bed. I stared at the ceiling and closed my eyes. I began to think about how much I had grown to hate myself. Fame had me worrying about things I never had to worry about before. Never in my life until these moments did I have to worry about something so little as the color of my skin. I got teased when I was younger for it but even then I didn’t care. It was one class. But now it’s a couple million people looking at me. There are those who bash me for being as dark as I was. Then there were those who are embarrassed to like me; so they whitewash my pictures. Then people smile at me and ask when did I ever get so handsome…. I opened my eyes and a single tear fell. I wiped it quickly and prepared for the shower. Knowing Lay, he had passed out so I could shower first.

I the water to as hot as I could get it and just let the water fall over me. I smoothed my hair back and began to wash it. Then I looked down my body. I was covered in a suit of darkness….

‘You’re filthy…. You’re nothing but a peasant…..’ a small voice in my head said. I placed my hands over my ears and dropped to my knees.

“Nope. Shut up. Just shut up.” I whispered to myself, squeezing my eyes shut. I could feel my eyes beginning to fill with tears.

‘People have given you help and you’re refusing to take it! You have a stack of dermatologist business cards to go through. And you just let them sit on your desk!’ the voice said.

“That’s exactly where they’ll stay…..” I said with a quivering lip.

‘Don’t you think it would help your career? Your life? You could meet a nice girl-‘

“I know plenty of nice girls……I only want one……and she doesn’t care about my skin….” I breathed, slowly opening my eyes. But my brain never listens to me ever. It’s so persuasive. I eyed the light blue loofah hanging in the corner and stared at the bar of soap.

‘Lighter…….brighter……whiter…..’ the voice said as I picked them both up. I scrubbed at the skin on my arm and my chest as hard as I could in hopes to be lighter……all that appeared were giant red patches……. They stung as the hot water ran over them and pattered on them. I turned off the shower and grabbed my towel. Wrapping it in a dry wash cloth. Tears continued to run as my chest stung. I grabbed my towel and hugged it to my chest as I dropped in front of the sink. I shook my head and sniffled. Allysha’s going to hate me when she sees these…..

‘That black kid won’t see a damn thing…..’

“SHUT UP!” I growled, hanging my head. This was normal. Every day, the voice would get stronger and stronger….louder. It echoed in my mind whenever I got that time to myself. I dashed to my room and put on a hoodie and some shorts before putting on my shoes. I didn’t even dry my hair properly. I for sure was most likely going to get a cold. I grabbed my mask and snuck out as quietly as possible. Then I began my journey across town. I took the long walk to the furthest bus stop and rode until I got to her neighborhood. Then I walked to her apartment. It was about 12 in the morning when I got to her front door. I knocked on the door and hung my head. I could hear dogs barking inside. After a few minutes, the door opened. Her curly red tresses in a messy bun. She looked so cute when she was tired. Her eyes widened when she saw me.

“Dammit, Jongin…..” she cursed grumpily. Kai seemed to just melt away when I was with her. I could never be Kai in front of her. Only Jongin existed when she was near.

“Sorry I keep dropping in so late…” I said hanging my head.

“You could’ve called me! I would’ve come to get y-……you’re bleeding……”

I opened my mouth to explain but she grabbed my arm and lifted the sleeve to look at my bloody dermis. “I um…..I…….” I mumbled as she pushed my coat open to look at the bloody stain on the chest of my white hoodie.

“Get in here.” She said pulling me inside and immediately turning on the lights. She led me to the bar and sat me down before leaving down the dark hall. I took the time to look around her living room and open kitchen nervously. It was a bit messy but the interior seemed to fit her well. There were anime posters on the walls in frames. Pictures of her and her roommates, their parents and family. A tall shelf by the sliding glass doors to the patio filled with DVDs and video games. I stood up to cross the plush carpet and browse her collection.

“er Punch……..Iron Man…..Harry Potter years 1 through 7…….Batman…..Electra….Daredevil…..Hulk….Captain America- I see we have a Marvel fan here..…Scott Pilgram…..Drop……Phantom of the Opera……This Girl Is A Badass- what?!” I chuckled to myself. Then I spotted one of EXO’s concert DVDs. That’s when I moved on to her video game stash. “Call of Duty…..a lot of Call of Duty…..Tekken…..Marvel vs Capcom…..Harry Potter…Sonic….Naruto….DBZ….Mortal Kombat….Halo…all the Halos…….FIFA? What the h-”

“Snooping through my , huh?” I heard her voice say behind me and I flinched.

“I uh…..yeah. Just a little. I like it though. Maybe I could borrow DBZ some time? I’ve never played….”

“Sure. But first, bring that here boy.” She chuckled point to the seat as she sat the first aid kit on the bar. I bit my lip and scuttled over. “Shirt.” She said.

“ert.” I smirked.

“Jongin, seriously.” She said narrowing her eyes. I sighed and bit my lip as I took it off and she gasped. She stepped back to look at the mess I had made of myself and I hung my head in shame. “Wha……what…J-”

“There were voices…..” I began. She seemed confused. “In my head……I listened to them and I……I scrubbed…..” My voice began to trail off when I watched her face tune up. I had never seen tears form in someone’s eyes as fast as her. My lip trembled and my throat closed up. I had to keep myself from crying. I watched the tears drop down her face in silence. I didn’t know what to do.

“You….scrubbed….your skin off………” she began once she calmed down.

“I…. I knew you would be upset…… I was so scared after it happened, Allysha, I came straight to you. Suho can’t fix these kinds of things-”

“And you think I can? Jongin…..” she said stepping back but I grabbed her hand.

“Please…..I can’t….. I can’t do this alone….. I need you more than you even know…. I….”

She stepped towards me and placed my face between her hands. She laid her forehead on mine and the tears that I had been holding back began to fall. She my hair and hushed me down.

“I won’t leave you. I get it… I just…..I’ve never seen anyone go to this extent just to be a piece of paper….. It’s not that cute! It’s frightening actually. The fact that everyone feels the desire to be like this….. Jong, how many times do I have to tell you how beautiful you are?!” As she spoke, tears began welling up again. My eyes obviously weren’t done yet either.

“I’m sorry, Allysha….”

“No….I’m sorry…. I’m so sorry that you can’t see the better qualities of you behind your skin….” With that, she began to clean me up as best as she could. “You do know that you’re going to have to tell Suho about this right?”

“But he won’t understand-”

“Jongin, don’t even get like that. I know exactly what you’re thinking. I don’t care how much lighter he is, not even he is as white as they make him to be. He’s the leader. How is it gonna look when the CEO goes to him and asks if you all are ok and you’re sitting here scrubbing you ing skin off?!” I couldn’t answer. She was right. “I can’t be your only background of support about this. I’m sure the boys defend you just as much as I do.”

“I guess- ow!”

“Shut up! It’s your fault. Why did you have to make such a big patch? No low cut shirts, no short sleeve shirts, no light colored shirts unless they’re thick. Nothing the sun can shine through. Got it?”

I nodded. “Why do you take care of me so much?” I asked.

“Because in fame, you have to have that one friend who keeps you grounded. When your family isn’t around, you need that person. I don’t see anyone else stepping to the plate so it might as well be me, right? Why? Do you not want me around anymore?”

“God, no! I need you around me. If I wasn’t thinking about you so much…..I think these would be much worse….” I looked down but I could see her blush a bit. She put her finger under my chin and forced me to look at her.

“That’s sweet. If that’s what it takes to get you to stop doing stupid shi-t!.... think about me every day. All the time. Until you see me again. Or text me.” She smiled, smacking my cheek lightly before finishing wrapping my arm. “All fixed.” She said holding out a tee shirt.

“What am I supposed to do with this tiny thing?”

“It’s a big tee shirt .” She chuckled, cleaning off the bar. I smiled and unrolled the long sleeved black shirt to see a big neon Kingdom Hearts 2 graphic on it. I put it on quickly and pulled the sleeves over my hands. I stole a small sniff of the shirt and it smelled just like her…. Like amber and bergamot. I smiled widely and turned around in the seat to face the bar to watch her pull things from the cabinets.

“Whatcha doin’?” I asked cheekily.

“I’m making you a cup of hot tea to take with you back…. Home…..” she said as she struggled to reach for the thermal mug on the top shelf. I chuckled at how cute she was. I rounded the desk and stood behind her to reach for the mug and brought it down with ease. “Thank you…..” she said. Her voice trailed off once she realized how close we were. The last time we were this close, I was on my way to kiss her and she ran away from me. Not this time…… I looked into her soft light brown eyes and eased my way toward her, sitting the mug behind her. I moistened my lips with my tongue and closed my eyes, ready to feel her soft lips against my own.

“What’s all the noise?” I heard a voice say. dammit. I pulled away from her quickly to see one of her roommates rubbing her tired eyes in the hallway. “Oh Kai!”

“Uh…hey.” I chuckled nervously rubbing my neck. “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch your name the last time….”

“Nikala!”

“Nikala. Hi. I’m sorry if I woke you. I came over to chat with Allysha about something and I guess I was a little loud. Sorry to disturb you.” I said with a small respective bow.

“No no, it’s fine. I’ll just uh….. I’ll go back to bed. Goodnight…..Kai oppa.” She said with a heavy blush before turning away. I sighed and looked at Allysha. She pursed her lips and turned around to continue making the tea. I returned back to the bar and we sat in silence until she was done. When the tea was steeped, she drizzled in some honey as I put on my shoes and my coat. She walked me to the door and we stood looking at each other awkwardly. I didn’t know whether to bow or hug her or…. She handed me the tea thermal and I thanked her with a kiss on the cheek suddenly. I mentally smacked myself for it but I couldn’t take it back.

“Um….sleep well. Have a good day at work tomorrow…..well today….I mean…..see ya.” I stuttered walking away. I cheesed like a dork all the way home until I ran into a salty Suho demanding an explanation as to why I came home so late and left without his notice. I told him I needed some fresh air and bought some tea in the most tired way possible as I pushed pass him lightly and scuttled to my room. I settled myself in bed and hugged myself in the shirt. I fell asleep in no time.