XI

Heechul spat into the sink of the badly illuminated small bathroom, fighting back his urge to vomit. He would never get used to this, even after all those years. "We really should tell them higher prices for coming down our throats. I don’t mind giving discounts for cute guys, but it should be forbidden for some of them, ing hell…"

Donghae beside him was thoughtfully washing his hands, rubbing soap rapidly between his fingers. He and Heechul had just returned from a client that they had shared because the guy had wanted it. Even if he loved his hyung more than anything: having with him wasn’t something he liked. They had done it countless times because it was wished and because it turned people on, but they both didn’t enjoy it at all. It was weird and without audience they wouldn’t even dream about it. They felt like family so this thought normally would never cross their minds. The money they got for it was good, however, and it was more than usual. It wasn’t like they had a choice in this, to be honest.

The brunet knew what the other was talking about. Sometimes, even after brushing their teeth, the taste would stay in their mouths – especially when there had been enough dislike right from the beginning. Donghae was lucky because he had been spared from his hyung's task and therefore couldn’t complain, yet he felt with him. Still there was something else going on inside of him and he felt that this was one of the rare opportunities he would get to tell the other about it.

"Hyung", he called out lowly and didn’t lift his gaze up from all the foam around his hands. Heechul grunted next to him and so he continued. "I think I'm sick."

Heechul once again spat into the sink. "Don’t worry, the foul taste will be forgotten once we're sipping a nice cocktail at the bar."

"I don’t mean that…"

Now the other looked up to him with worry in his eyes. His hand was brought up to feel the younger's temperature on his forehead. "You don’t feel hot, though."

"Not like this, no fever", Donghae explained and bit his lip. "It's just that… Sometimes my heart beats a lot faster than usual. And… there is a strange feeling in my stomach."

"Like you're about to throw up?" Heechul wanted to know. Donghae shook his head.

"No, it actually feels pretty nice. But when it happens my face feels hotter too and… I don't know."

Just like he wanted to prove his point his cheeks turned a bit redder – and Heechul knew the way the cookie crumbled. "Say, do you think of someone special when you feel that way?"

Donghae turned even redder and shyly nodded his head. "It always happens when I'm thinking of Hyukkie", he almost whispered.

Heechul didn’t know what to say. On the one hand he was happy that Donghae had found someone to fall in love with and so far he didn’t think that this Eunhyuk guy was that bad. Maybe he would be able to treat him well, tell him sweet little nothings all day long and all that bull. On the other hand he knew however that relationships didn’t work in their lives. There was no way to build one and even if their love for each other would be strong enough to last: how would they get out of this? If their love was a little daisy in the middle of a meadow then life was the mighty boot that smashed it before it could blossom. How would anyone be able to stop that boot in midair?

"Well then, I think it's safe to say that you're in love with him", Heechul grumbled and paid more attention to finding the right water temperature in the shower than to Donghae. The brunet was truly shocked by the other's words.

"W-What? But… But I… I didn’t want to-"

"Falling in love is nothing you can choose", Heechul interrupted him a bit rudely. "It's not like you choose to fall in love and once you are you can't just say 'I don’t like him anymore'. That's why I told you to be careful. If he's an then you will be heartbroken and just trust me when I say that it hurts. A lot."

Donghae was taken aback and stared at him with wide eyes. "I… I… But I don’t think I know him enough-"

"Some people fall in love only by looking at each other", Heechul said and grabbed the other's wrist to pull him under the shower with him. "That's just how it works."

"But- But I thought loving someone means that you want to spend your life with them and that you care, that you want to protect them. You can't decide this in a few seconds!"

Donghae held on to the sink and with this stopped Heechul from pulling him towards the shower cubicle. Heechul tried to get him free, but the brunet was stronger than he had expected.

"Not everyone who 'loves' someone really loves, Donghae. Some lie about it, some think they love but they actually don’t. I told you it's complicated. If you really love someone then you can't stop thinking about them, you want to do everything so they are happy, you want to make sure they're alright… You maybe even would give your life for them. That's love."

Donghae froze.            
His gaze suddenly got blank and Heechul immediately noticed it. There was no emotion on his face, he almost looked like a doll; a really pretty one, how many people would easily admit. He honestly looked like someone had turned a switch in his brain that suddenly made him stop working.

"Hey, are you alright?" Heechul asked carefully and came a step closer.

There was something in Donghae's eyes; he had no idea what it was, but it was strange – and scary. The brunet blankly stared ahead, more through him than at him, and he could tell that there was something going on in his head, that he was thinking. The running shower filled the bathroom with foggy air, yet he thought he saw something else in Donghae's eyes, something bright. Something… blue?

Suddenly Donghae looked over his shoulder, towards the door. He acted like he had heard something when there had been no sound whatsoever. Now Heechul also looked towards the door, but there was no one. Of course not, their little bathroom was locked.

"Donghae?"

He was still holding on to the younger's wrist, but this time it was Donghae who was pulling. Heechul however didn’t let go, not when Donghae was moving towards the door.

"I need to go."

Donghae's voice sounded strange, a little deeper than usual. He didn’t turn back around and took another step towards the door, but Heechul tried to hold him back.

"Where do you want to go? We're in the middle of our work shift!"

There was no answer. Instead, Donghae freed himself from the other's hold with just a move of his arm, something that Heechul had thought was impossible for someone as fragile as Donghae. The brunet wordlessly put his clothes back on, quickly and rushed. Just as he was about to open the door, Heechul grabbed his wrist once again.

"Donghae", he called and the other stopped in his tracks. "Where do you want to go and why?"

Only the rushing of the shower could be heard before Donghae finally explained himself. "Lee Hyukjae, Eunhyuk. He needs me."

Why did it feel so strange to hear him say his name like this? Maybe because it was the first time. "Now?"

"Yes."

Heechul bit his lip. "Why?"

"It's urgent."

"Donghae…" The younger's voice still sounded strange and Heechul found it weird that he didn’t look at him anymore. "If you go now there will be trouble-"

"Everything will be okay. I'll go to him and then come back."

"Will you really?" Heechul asked lowly.

"Yes."

He took a deep breath. Heechul knew that he couldn’t convince him to stay, it was impossible. Never before had he seen him this determined… It was a completely new side of him that he hadn't known so far.

"Okay", he muttered and let go of the other's arm. Donghae didn’t turn back and left just like this, leaving him behind, more worried about him than ever before.

***

Eunhyuk fisted his hair with both of his hands and sobbed loudly.

Nothing was alright, he had known it all the way and he should've listened to his inner voice for once. Going to his mother's birthday party had been his worst choice for quite a while.     
His mother had been happy to see him, yes. But did this make good the fact that throughout the whole evening most gazes had been directed to him? There had been so much whispered gossip behind politely raised hands, so many words of pity and disgust. Low insults had wavered through the room and once spread rumors shot through the crowd like lightning bolts. Suddenly everyone knew that he preferred men over women and this seemed to be the perfect hotbed for cruel and straight away false accusations. Within minutes he had been made a criminal and he couldn’t tell if they had wanted him to hear all of this or if they just hadn't been smart enough to lower their voices. His mother had undoubtedly heard it all as well, but even though it was her party, her friends and family – she hadn't defended him. She hadn't told anyone to shut up or to stop talking about her son like that. Once again the family's reputation had been more important than he was and Eunhyuk thought that he just had to accept this. There were more important things in life than him and it was his fault that he made such a big deal out of it.

Sora thought differently about this, however.

Another sob broke out of him.
The whole evening had ended in Sora picking up a fight with their parents, a really loud and ugly fight that surely had destroyed the last bit of reputation that had been left. Her questions kept replaying in his head; what kind of parents they were, how they could allow all those lies and rumors about their child, how they could withhold a suicide attempt that they had caused. Eunhyuk's only chance to make it out of this had been fleeing, it had been impossible to stand this. He had never wanted Sora to fight with their parents. Especially not in her condition.

He sniffed and brushed the palm of his right hand over his cheeks, careful to not move his fingers too much. Right after leaving the party he had locked himself in his apartment. His only way to vent his anger, sadness and pure disappointment had been punching the walls with his fists which now caused him pain with the slightest move of his wrist. His knuckles were bruised and he already knew that his next days of work would be torture if he couldn’t use his hands properly.

Still better than working at the company.

He chuckled at his own thoughts only to start crying right after. His apartment was a mess because he had thrown everything around that had been in his reach; it was a mess just like his brain. This was his own fault, wasn’t it? Everything was own fault.

Sobbing, he pulled his legs closer to his chest and buried one hand in his hair, desperately trying to keep his head up somehow. 
He had been a fool to believe that anything had changed after the incident. Everything was still the same and he knew, he knew that nothing would change in future neither. He would spend the rest of his miserable life just like he had spent his life so far; without supportive love from his parents, without real friends he could talk with, without someone by his side… All of this also was his fault, right?

If he would stop being such a misfit, if he would just obey and make his parents proud – if he would just close his eyes and marry one of the many girls his mother had introduced him to… Maybe all of this wouldn’t make him happy, but it would make the people around him happy. And maybe he just had a wrong point of view and once the people he cared about would be happy, he was happy as well. What other choice did he have?

There once had been an opportunity, a chance, and he had missed it.          
This wasn’t the first time he regretted his past. But he didn’t regret doing it; he regretted surviving. He should've chosen a different way, something without return. Back then he had been too dumb to think this through, it had been a sudden irrational act. Now, however. Now he knew more things, now he had lost his fear. If he would try it again-

Someone knocked against his door.

Eunhyuk pressed one hand against his mouth and tried to muffle his loud sobs. He didn’t want to see anyone, he didn’t want to hear lectures. The knocking had been soft so he assumed that it was his mother who wanted to see him, most likely to tell him that leaving just like that had been a bad decision. Then she would pity him, pity herself maybe, and leave again. As if this would make anything better.

It knocked again.         
He let out a whimper and sobbed; if his breathing allowed it he would tell whoever that was to just ing leave. Sadly, he was only strong enough to keep himself from fainting with such a racked and shallow breathing pattern. It was late so it could only be his family out there. They could all leave, he didn’t care.

"…Hyukkie?"

His eyes were open wide. Eunhyuk turned his head