Jinki feels like he can never give back.

Rating: pg

Content: domestic!jongyu, fluff                                                            

“Jonghyun…”

“I feel like I can never give you anything back…”

“You’re just so good to me, Jonghyun… a-and I feel like I never can amount to you, y-you know?”

“Is it even enough?”

“Why do you think I’m so special?”

~~~

No matter how many times Jinki griped about wasting money, and how “he should be more realistic about saving for the future”, Jonghyun always brought flowers home. It was customary at this point, he argued. Their home was always filled to the brim with blossoms- daffodils on the windowsill, roses on the kitchen table, daisies on the nightstand.

“How can you stand all these flowers around here?”  Jinki mumbled to his partner while he prepared dinner, “I thought you said your nose was sensitive.”

Jonghyun leaned against the kitchen counter, chuckling, “I do it for you. You always see in the movies when the guy comes home from work with a bouquet of roses and gives them to his girl.” Cautiously, he plucked a two-day old tulip from a vase a few inches away, and placed it behind Jinki’s ear.

“You don’t need to make your allergies act up for me- you need to take care of yourself.” the elder protested.

Jonghyun’s stubby, calloused fingers tucked a few tufts of hair back behind the flower. He was silent, and only grinned to himself.

“So cute,” he whispered, “So, so cute.”

The two stood there, Jonghyun’s warm breaths settling on Jinki’s neck while Jinki continued preparing their meal.

“You’re the cute one.” Jinki bit his cheek and looked down awkwardly. He was now trapped in his boyfriend’s embrace, his small arms planted on either side of him. His nose nudged gently past his ear, and small, quick kisses were peppered across his neck. The elder was drowning in warmth. There was so much love emitting from one person- Jinki didn’t know how it was possible.

“We can have dinner later…” Jonghyun trailed off as he reached down and began rubbing circles into Jinki’s hips. His touches were so tender and soft; it was as if feathers were gliding across the expanse of his skin. Jinki was tempted to walk away from his domestic work, so tempted to be tugged along and kissed and touched and loved.

Yet, he stopped himself.

He pulled the tulip out of his hair, setting back with the rest. The smaller man stepped back, breaking their bond.

“After dinner, maybe?” Jinki paused, not looking at his boyfriend once.

“Of course.”

~~~

“You aren’t mad at me, are you?”

“Sometimes you just never say anything back, and I get worried.”

“I love you so, so much, you know?”

“And I know you feel the same but, there are moments where I’m scared that you don’t care anymore.”

“You’re so special to me.”

~~~

Jonghyun liked surprises.

Sometimes it’d be small, like just popping up behind him, placing his hands over Jinki’s eyes, murmuring “guess who?”. Other times it was bigger, like planning cliche picnics, complete with wine and cheeses. They’d watch the sunset together, go to drive-ins. It was perfect.

Yet Jinki couldn’t reciprocate. He never could.

He’d had his fair shares of attempts. He’d once paraded around in the house in only one of his boyfriend’s crisp dress shirts and ties, half-expecting something intimate to initiate. Yet at the end of the night, he’d only been called adorable, and the two men went to bed at a decent hour with only the most innocent of caresses.

Another time, he had prepared an extremely large meal for the two of them- one he’d spent hours planning and creating.

Everything had been perfect, except the fact that Jonghyun had to stay late at work.

He had waited, and waited…

And waited.

He hadn’t come home till eleven thirteen. He’d stayed up, counting every minute on the clock before falling asleep on the couch.

Jinki wasn’t good at handling surprises.

His boyfriend was unexpected; he liked doing things that no one would see coming. Jinki was boring and bland. He played by the books. He wasn’t special.

For every dinner he cooked, Jonghyun adorned their room with rose petals and candles. For every I love you that escaped his lips, Jonghyun took the two of them on an unexpected getaway.

He was nothing like him.

~~~

“I looked up my horoscope today for the first time.”

“Did you know that we have an 87% compatibility rate? So obviously we’re meant to be together.”

“You aren’t even awake…”

“Jinki…”

“I adore you.”

~~~

“I love you so much, I’d give you the moon.”

The two men were lazily sprawled across the sofa, Jinki’s feet resting in his boyfriend’s lap. Jonghyun had a moderately sized book cracked open, yet he wasn’t reading. His eyes were glued to the other.

“That’s a bit much, don’t you think?” Jinki countered.

Jonghyun pouted. “A bit much?” he whined, “Jinki, you deserve everything.”

The elder scrunched his nose. “No, I don’t.”

The book was firmly shut now, and had dropped to the floor.

“Lee Jinki,” he stared, “you make me want to steal away every single star in the sky, you make me want to risk everything, you make me want to do things I’ve never even thought of doing before. That’s how you make me feel. You’re beautiful, and caring, and kind, and soft, and perfect. Why don’t you see that?”

Jinki let out a sullen chuckle, “Because I’m not any of those things, Jonghyun.”

The younger’s eyebrows furrowed, and he shook his head.

“You’re so spectacular, Jinki!”

Jinki’s breath hitched as the loving words were coated in his boyfriend’s harsh and exasperated tone. Why was he acting like this? Why did he care this much?

“Jinki…” his voice shook, “do you not think you’re special?”

“Of course not.”

Jonghyun let out an odd, annoyed sound. His small hands were curled into tiny fists, his nails piercing into the skin.

“Why not?” Jonghyun mumbled.

The elder’s eyes wavered a bit before speaking, “Look at you, Jjong, and then look at me,” he swallowed thickly, “I’m so boring compared to you; I never am able to love you as much as you love me. It hurts. It’s frustrating.”

Both men went completely silent. Jonghyun fidgeted uneasily, tangling a finger in a loose shirt thread.

“Love isn’t a competition, Jinki. No one has to “get even” or love more than the other.”

“But doesn’t it feel bad? I can’t do anything like you-”

“If I wanted to date someone that acted like me, I’d date myself.”

~~~

“I’m sorry that I’ve been acting like this…”

“I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong.”

“Yet, almost everything seems right with you, Jjong.”

“Greasy…”

“I hope you forgive me.”

“Jinki, I’m awake.”

The elder’s eyes widened as the younger slowly enveloped his palm in his own.

“I wish I could learn how to love like you.” Jinki muttered, “You’re so wonderful…”

“Hey, stop,” Jonghyun mumbled into his pillow, and squeezed the other man’s hand, “you don’t need to be like me, because you’re already beautiful and perfect and charming and sweet. That’s what I love about you.”

“That’s what I love about you, Lee Jinki.”