“Yunnie, I’m sorry I cannot make it to your graduation ball. Don’t worry, I already asked Yuri to go with you. I promise to be there on the graduation ceremony itself,” Yunho sighed as his long-time long distance girlfriend, Tiffany, made another promise after she had just broken one. Yunho had lost count of how many times she did this to him.    

Yunho felt a warm hand gently squeezed his shoulder. “You again!? Have you been eavesdropping?” Yunho looked at her with disdain and shook his head. He had no choice but to come with her to the ball. Tiffany only trusted her unfashionably nerdy, almost-ugly, best friend. Yunho watched Yuri bowed her head and hid her face (only her bespectacled eyes were left) amidst her long tangled hair, like she always did when he glares at her. He was tired of her company. She was the lifeless Yuri who watched during his dance battles. She was the lifeless Yuri who comes to his family reunions. She was the lifeless Yuri who goes with him during out-of-town with his friends. How can it not be Tiffany instead? How can it not be someone else but her? Don’t she know I’m tired of being teased by my friends for always just settling with a substitute?

Yuri and Tiffany were best friends since childhood. The two were polar opposites and many people wondered how they clicked. Yuri barely spoke, which made her teachers suspect her of autism during her younger years, while Tiffany was able to speak eloquently already. Yuri also has the least idea of the norm of beauty while Tiffany wore outfits before it was even released in Korean markets. Between the two it was always, Tiffany who stood out: Tiffany was the rich heiress. Tiffany was the fairer one. Tiffany spoke better English. Tiffany was more outgoing. Tiffany was more popular among the boys. Despite of that fact, Yuri never envied her except for the fact that Yunho was devotedly in love with her.

Yes. Yuri was secretly in love with Yunho for 8 years already. They have been in the same class since high school but never, even once, did he ever glance to her or speak with her intentionally. Yunho was just literally forced and obligated to do always bring her along out of his love for Tiffany. Yuri knew that too well.

“Hyungnim…” Yuri has never once dared to call him oppa or even by his name. ”I promise I will not disappoint you during the ball,” she meekly continued. “Whatever,” Yunho replied as he rolled his eyes. Yunho studied Yuri from head to toe. She is so pathetic especially with those pair of white sneakers which is now very off white and the threads were dangling from everywhere. “Seriously, when are you planning to replace those shoes?” he asked. “I’ve been working on it. I’m about to get a replacement,” she softly replied which made Yunho scoffed. “No wonder no one ever liked you,” he bluntly said. Yes… Yuri was used to his cold demeanor especially towards her (rather, only to her).

Yunho was about to leave Yuri alone when she grabbed his wrist and handed him a yellow scented envelope. Yunho’s eyes twinkled as he looked at the yellow scented envelope. Yunho believed that Tiffany sends Yuri those yellow love letters in advance and have her give it to him every time she isn’t able to fulfill her promise. He has seen the pattern and he has become a fan of it. Those letters have become the source of his comfort and hope that Tiffany will come back and spend quality time with him: That soon he’d share his victories and down falls with his real girlfriend and not with a substitute.

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2 weeks before the graduation ball was Yunho’s final soccer game as a captain of the varsity team. During one of their practice games for the finals, Yunho broke his “lucky” shoes which were given to him Tiffany as an anniversary gift. Yunho was more than disappointed as it was just 3 days away from the big event. Yuri put her warm hand on this shoulder and gently squeezed it. “I’m not in the mood for your mushy stuff. Go away, jinx!”

Yunho tried bearing the uneasiness of putting on another pair of soccer shoes. He cannot concentrate in the next practice games and he’d take it off every time they were asked to rest. To his surprise, he found a new box of shoes in his locker with a yellow scented envelope inside it that said: “Good luck!” Yunho jumped in glee while he adored his new shoes. Like a child who was given a new toy, he showed off his shoes to his teammates who wished they would be able to find a beautiful and thoughtful girlfriend like Tiffany. When he has finally settled, he took his phone and sent a message to Tiffany, “Don’t worry, I’ll make you proud. Thank you!”

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Like fairy tales, Yunho expected that Yuri would be his Cinderella. He hoped that the ugly duckling would turn into a beautiful swan even just for that special night. He hoped that her hair would be tied nightly into an elegant bun to reveal her face and that she would at least wear something that would be flattering to her assets. However, it was a total opposite. She was dressed in a shabby gown, which could have been fashionable if she was on the 80s. Yunho stormed to her even before she reached the entrance of the hotel to avoid embarassment. He grabbed her arm and took her to a dark corner where they’d be unseen and unheard. “You promised me you wouldn’t disappoint me. How come you look like that? Do you expect me to bring a rag inside?” he scolded her. “I’m sorry, Hyungnim. I bought something more important so I didn’t have enough money to buy a better dress,” Yuri explained as she repeatedly bowed 90 degrees in front of him. “I don’t want to hear your alibi. I don’t even know why I even expected you’d dress up nicely for this occasion. Miracles don’t happen overnight. You’re hopeless! You’re a very lame substitute for Tiffany. Go home and never show your face to me again,” Yunho yelled.

Through her big spectacles, Yunho saw her tears welled from her eyes and raced down on her never-have-been revealed smooth cheeks. Yunho guessed she had too much. She was fidgeting her fingers like she always does when she was being bullied. For the first time, Yunho would like to hold those slender hands and wipe those tears that he never knew how much she had already shed for being bullied since they were young. For the first time, he was sincerely sorry. He wanted to apologize but she had already ran off like every human being would do after being thrown with harsh words. That was too much. I overreacted. Never mind, I’ll just apologize to her next time.

During the graduation practice, Yunho looked at the corner of his eye to test the tide whether Yuri was still upset with him or not. Perhaps she still was because five people would have fit in the space between them when she was supposed to be standing behind him on the queue. She has been avoiding his glances and the eyes behind the black-framed spectacles were unusually cold when they used to hold so much comfort and meaning… he hated to admit that those eyes have been his haven. He noticed though that she look very pleasant today. Her hair was tucked behind her ears revealing her face shape and flawlessly tanned skin. “Jung Yunho,” the announcer called his name. “Kwon Yuri,” the announcer called Yuri after him. For the first time in his life, he saw Yuri walk with her chin up. Are my eyes deceiving me? Is she smiling? They have been classmates for as long as he can remember but it was just now that he realized that she is pretty… no she’s beautiful.

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It was their Graduation Day and Yunho put a bit more effort on making himself gorgeous because he was certain that Tiffany would be there to witness it. Yunho’s class was already asked to stand and queue as it was already their turn to go up on stage and receive their certificates. Yunho looked left and right. Where in the world could Kwon Yuri be? She should be standing here behind me. “Jung Yunho,” the announcer called him. He shook the guest-of honor’s hand after receiving the certificate and bowed on the middle of the stage. If she’s not behind me maybe she’s in the audience watching me, thick-headed as I can be. He took that short time to scan the people before him and look for Yuri’s familiar face. He was used to seeing her face in the crowd in times like this, cheering to herself. Where could she be? “Kwon Yuri,” the announcer called Yuri. On the landing of the stage, he waited and watched if she’ll at least get her certificate. But there were no signs of Yuri. Yunho was restless for the rest of the program. He wasn’t in the mood for photo-taking and yearbook signing afterwards as well. How can she miss the graduation?

Yunho was aghast when Tifanny put her arms around him. “Yunnie, congratulations! I miss you so much!” She kissed his lips but he wondered where the fireworks have gone to. It felt like he was standing in front of a stranger. “Yunnie, this is my gift for you and Yuri asked me to give you this. Open my gift first or else I’ll get jealous,” she joked. Yunho reached for the small box and the familiar yellow scented envelope. He opened the envelope but Tiffany put her hand over it, “Oppa, is this your way of getting back at me for missing a lot of dates and special occasions with you?” Tiffany pouted. “I said I want you to open my gift to you first then you could open Yuri’s letter when you reach home,” Tiffany explained to him slowly. So it was her all along. How can I be so blind?

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“Yul, are you sure you can’t postpone your flight until after graduation?” Tiffany asked. “Fany, I’d love to but my parents need me there,” Yuri lied. “Araso. if that’s what you really want. Don’t forget to keep in touch with me like the usual. Send me those yellow scented letter like you always do,” Tiffany said as she embrace Yuri. “I will. Uhm, Fany, can I have a favor? Can you give this to hyungnim after graduation?” Yuri asked shyly as she reached. “Yul! Is that all? You could have asked for something more difficult! Consider it done.” Tiffany assured her. “By the way, for once, can you tuck your hair behind your ears when you go to school? You’re hairstyle hasn't changed a bit since we were little. You know I always get into fights when they tease you SPECS,” Tiffany reminded her. “Yuri smiled at her and answered, “Consider it done.”

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Yunho then realized that his feelings for Tiffany have already become superficial. She was standing in front of him but still, he longs for something else… for someone else. He longed for the wallflower who quietly cheered for him in games and competitions. He longed for her eyes and shy smile that quietly says, “Everything’s going to be alright.” He longed for Yuri. He wished that once again Yuri would put her warm hand in his shoulder and gently squeezed it like she always did when he’s depressed. He swore to God that he’d hold that hand and won’t glare at her anymore.

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Sunflower

Maybe I had a lot of fear, as always

I always hid in the shadows, unseen

Always a step behind you

Even if my tears trickle down

You always look at the sky

Am I a cloud?

I walk in place to you

I laugh alone and I cry alone

I am a sad sunflower in the shadow

Yes, I long for you alone

You are looking at someplace else

Why is it her?

That common love story is too hard for me

Because it’s just my imagination alone

When I close my eyes and softly fall into a sweet slumber

You are by my side,

I don’t want to wake up

I walk in place to you

I am nothing, I am no one but

I only wait for my prayers to be an echo

And to be passed on to you

If only I can be her and not me for a day

Even if I had to throw everything away, If only

(Just for once let me call you oppa)

Oppa,

                Sorry for being a lame substitute. Now, you won’t have to be annoyed because the love of your life is back. I wish that you’ll take care of each other. As for me, I’d wish that I could deceive my heart and spirit into forgetting. I also wish that when the day comes, when I should meet you again after long years, I will no longer be a sunflower with drooping head but a sunflower looking up to you.  But until then, I’ll content myself in silence and grieve like I always do.

Yunho folded the letter and tuck it carefully in the yellow scented envelope. He longed for the substitute who was apparently, irreplaceable. She is a black pearl, rare and hard to find. Yuri was wrong though. She was not the sunflower, it was him. He was the sunflower with drooping head and failed to see her sunshine. He put the letter in the pocket of his jacket (near his heart) and took his luggage. Now, he has decided that he’d be with her and walk by her side even if he had to throw everything away.

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Credits to SNSD for the song Sunflower and to Lord Byron for the poem When We Two Parted