Part 3 We Belong

 

After that, practice, for all intents and purposes, was cancelled.  Changmin’s confession left Yunho stunned and unsure of what to do next.  Two men claim to love him, to be in love with him.   He found it disturbing, seeing how he’s always considered himself to be heteroual.  He should have put a stop to the pretense a dozen years earlier.  But now it seems too late.  

 

He was capable of loving them, but his love was more or less agape and not focused on pure romance.  Jaejoong had always wanted a ual component to their relationship.  But Yunho had grown away from the man and the idea of a biual existence.  Changmin had never pressured him for that, yet they had cuddled and slept in the same bed. Had the younger man, perhaps, mistaken his bond with Yunho as romantic love versus the tether for the touchy-feely needs of the leader?  

 

Yunho left the SM building out the back entrance.  He hadn’t met up with his entourage of security, dismissing anyone who suggested he wait.  Yunho needed this time to be alone, to think.  The throng of fans camped out at the front of the building made it impossible for him to escape in that direction.  He had no choice but to find a way out of a parking lot that only had one exit.

 

He spied the first SUV that was backed into a parking space, allowing him to get over the concrete wall.  With a few quick steps and a well-placed toe-hold in the front tire wheel well, he was able to hop onto the hood of the vehicle before scrambling up the wind shield and stepping onto the roof.  From there, it was only a short hop over the razor ribbon on top of the wall. Yunho had no fear.  He needed to get out of there without anyone following him.

 

Looking at the obstacle and the distance to the ground on the other side, Yunho decided it was best if he wore his backpack on his chest.  The drop down to the ground was about three meters; not really much, but he would have to hurtle over the sharp metal, which in all likelihood would not give him much time to plant both feet on the ground for a solid landing.  Best to be prepared to roll out of the fall if needed.

 

His body soared through the air arcing gracefully beyond the metal death trap.  Yunho landed forcefully, jogged through the momentum that propelled him until he was able to slow to a fast walk.  Armed only with his baseball cap and sunglasses, he moved along aimlessly, hands jammed in his jacket pockets.  He wished he had brought his iPod today, but in his rush to leave the dorm, he left it behind.  It didn’t matter, he wouldn’t have heard any of the music.  It would have only served as a distraction from his thoughts.  

 

Yunho’s mind was plagued with guilt.  He had led them both on; one in the name of fan service, the other he hadn’t even realized he had done it…not until his maknae spelled it out for him earlier that day.  It would explain why Changmin had always been more aggressive toward him - both in the early days and once Jaejoong was out of the picture.

 

The leader chuckled sarcastically to himself.  He knew he was thick at times - especially in the relationship department - but there had always been someone else in the group to ask him if he was intentionally being dense or was really clueless when it came to being adored.  Since it had only been the two of them, no one had told Yunho that he was charming the pants off his maknae.  In hindsight, most of Changmin’s behavior pointed to him either looking for signs from the leader that Yunho felt the same way; or that he was pushing his personal boundaries to gather enough courage to confess to the older man.

 

Either way the fault lay in Yunho: for not setting both men straight and telling them his real feelings or intentions; for his self-serving need for human contact; for his uncompromising principles that led to the split of the five members. 

 

So absorbed in his thoughts, Yunho was mortified when the blast of several car horns had him facing oncoming traffic.  He had carelessly walked into the street, vaguely following a crowd of pedestrians.  What he hadn’t realized was that the light had already changed.  In K-dramas, characters had ample time to jump out of the way, but failed to do so. Yunho had no time and managed to react enough not to be splattered on the pavement.  He did, however, end up sprawled on the ground, feet ahead of the vehicle with a driver who was paying enough attention to brake early.  

 

Everything stopped in that instant:  Yunho’s thoughts, traffic, and witnesses. No one was quite sure whether or not the man in the street was injured.  It did seem that a million eyes were focused on the fact that it was a celebrity.  Fan girls screamed in horror as pedestrians and the driver of the offending vehicle attended to Yunho’s well-being.  

 

“I’m fine,” he told them, his legs shaking as he stood.  “It’s not your fault.  I wasn’t paying attention,” he assured the driver, bowing in apology.

 

A quick assessment of the situation and Yunho realized that enough people knew who he was and were about to converge on him.   With traffic at a stand-still, he took the opportunity to run to safety and away from the crowd.

 

It wasn’t until he was down an alley that he stopped to catch his breath.  Bent over with his hand on his chest feeling his heart beat a frantic tattoo, he understood just how close to death he had been and how distracted he had become.  Yunho needed to center himself, to go somewhere safe where he could think without worry.  He needed perspective.

 

He let his feet carry his body eastward, not really sure why other than he was one of the Rising Gods of the East.  If you couldn’t figure out where you were, it was a safe bet to return home and rediscover yourself.    Yunho smiled, proud that he could still come up with something profound while his mind felt so jumbled.   And then he wondered if something as simple as a return to the familiar was why Jaejoong had come to his apartment and confessed.

 

Perhaps the oldest member who had been denied leadership found himself lost as leader of the new band he had formed.  The three members who left Dong Bang Shin Ki had more solo projects than they did as a group.  Yunho started to wonder if that brotherhood bond of shared space and time was lacking with JYJ.  Their lives have diverged into different careers, coming together as one group too infrequently.  Sure he and Changmin had individual performances as actors, but when it came to music, they were a duet.  There were solo projects, but nothing that separated them from being DBSK.  Had the premier J lost his way, seeking refuge in what was strong and whole after being torn asunder?

 

Yunho believed it possible.  He had wondered what would have happened if he or Changmin or both of them had left SM.  Would Lee Soo Man have blacklisted them all?  Surely.  But if they had left if DBSK failed as a duo, it could have gone either way.  That was a thought Yunho denied himself.  He could not – would not imagine a life any other way.  He couldn’t give up his dream, and would never abort his position as leader of the Gods.  They had risen, succeeded and the strong had survived.  All five of them had survived, just not as originally planned.

 

And yet Jaejoong was forcing his way back into Yunho’s orbit.  Why?  What did he have to gain?  A lover?  Certainly this would not be a good move for his career, nor for his friendship with Junsu and Yoochun, because being with the leader of DBSK meant you supported him fully, and supported the company he was such a valuable part of.  And Jae had obliterated that years ago.  There was much more to be lost at this point in time.  He’d only be gaining perceived stability in a chaotic ecosystem.

 

Yunho abandoned his thoughts for a moment, stepping into a convenience store.  He needed a Coke.  It was time to break the ban on soda and enjoy the effervescence of carbonation in the hopes that it would jiggle some thoughts free so that he could make sense of his current situation.  He paid for the drink, not realizing the cashier had recognized him.  Once outside he was back focused on Jaejoong and the confession, intending on heading to the Han to drink his cola and contemplate his life while staring out at the water.

 

Instead, he found himself approaching Dong Daemun.  Ironically the East Gate of Joseon was another omen.  Perhaps he had subconsciously gone in this direction taking a path to potential enlightenment. Whatever the reason, he was there looking up at the lit structure in awe.  There was something calming about the landmark that grounded him in body and spirit…that was until someone shouted his name.

 

Yunho looked around at a small gathering of girls that had noticed him.  He was unsure if they had been following him, and he didn’t really care.  They kept their distance, and as long as they did so, he would continue on his merry way – wherever that might be, as the Han was in the opposite direction.  But the crowd seemed to close in on him forcing him to take refuge down an alley.

 

Which turned out to be a bad idea.  The alley was a dead end.  Seeing how that he was Jung Yunho at the moment and not U-Know Yunho, he chose to do something uncharacteristic of his celebrity self.  Much like at the back parking lot of SM, he surveyed his surroundings for a possible egress.  There was no fence to hop, but if he could get to the fire escape on the building to the left, he could climb several storeys to the roof and hide out there. 

 

He only had a short time to get upward before the fans converged in the alleyway.  So Yunho climbed onto a dumpster and leapt toward the closest ladder.  Climbing quickly, he managed to get to a landing before the first fans made it to the opening between the buildings.  Hiding in the shadows, he watched as they looked around, confused.  Once they had dispersed he finished his climb to the rooftop.

 

Five storeys wasn’t really high, not to him; but it was far enough off the ground to keep others from following him on his trek.  What he hadn’t realized was that the group of fans didn’t leave the vicinity.  And they certainly figured out where he had gone, as was evident by the gathering crowd looking and pointing in his direction.  Yunho really couldn’t see them well, as there were lights on the roof, lights that pointed to a billboard posted there.  Evidently he was casting a shadowy figure against the advertisement.  When he turned to see what he was standing in front of, his signature laugh escaped his lips and seemed to echo around him.

 

There, larger than life, was his likeness holding a Coke and smiling.  He remembered shooting the CV, but never cared to know when commercials would air or campaign ads would be promoted.  In fact, he didn’t even drink any Coke during that shoot.  It seemed appropriate that he should find himself standing in front of it with the intentions of drinking one now.

 

It was as if he was fated to come to this spot at this time.  He was looking for direction, and in doing so, it led him to himself…in the weirdest sense possible.  If today’s journey had been to reach this place, then what he was about to do was predestined.  Once he climbed up onto the decking of the billboard, he took a seat under his likeness, extracted the Coke from his backpack and cracked it open.

 

The view was good.  He could see for quite a distance, and all the lights reminded him of Christmas time.  He liked this perspective.  Being above the city made him feel serene.  The first sip of cola was like heaven on his tongue.  In that moment it was about him and no one else.  Everything fell away down to the ground where flashes of light competed for his attention.  

 

After his third sip, the thoughts of Jaejoong and Changmin started easing back to the forefront of his mind.  He stood and began pacing that small ledge, weighing the pros and cons of two men loving him.  Yunho had spent a good part of his trek ignoring the fact that two men in love with him was his biggest problem.  He chuckled ironically at the idea.  Most people were struggling daily with being happy with their lives, and here he was freaking out over two people and the notions of love.  His life was a whole different kind of messed up.

 

Looking at gigantic U-Know head, he started a conversation.  “Yah, you and me, we got it tough, right?”  He paced away half expecting a revelation of the imagination.  When “U-Know head” didn’t respond, he turned back and addressed him.  “Normal people, when faced with a choice, either decide or talk things out…well, I guess I’m talking things out…with…myself…sort of….

 

“What kind of leader am I?”  His voice went from sounding jovial to serious.  “How can I choose?”  He looked up at his oversized persona feeling tears well in his eyes.  Did he have to choose?  Changmin made him think so. 

 

Yunho continued to pace, now focused on the maknae’s confession.  

 

“It was just overshadowed by something everyone perceived to be bigger, more acceptable.”

 

Whereas his relationship with Jae was high maintenance romance and ; the connection with Changmin was more like a marriage with give and take, love and war.  The DBSK Duo worked because of that sacred association.  HoMin needed each other, depended on each other and thrived.  He couldn’t say that about YunJae.  And while the split with Jaejoong just about killed his spirit, the joy he’s found with Changmin revitalized him – them.

 

Yunho could understand why the maknae had been so intense.  Jaejoong had his chance and walked away, only to regret it.  Changmin was in the midst of his chance and staying for the long haul.  The young man had so much more at stake.

 

He stopped in front of his image again and wiped a stray tear. If only he could reciprocate to either of them in the way they wanted.  But he didn’t play that way.  He wanted a female lover and a family.  He had always wanted that.  And now he was crying full on just thinking about how he had messed up two other people’s lives with his ‘fan service’/cowardly way of dealing with the real issue.  He was running out of time and would have to proverbially ‘man up’.

 

Taking a seat on the ledge he noticed more than just a crowd had gathered below.  The street had been closed off on either end of the block.  Somehow he completely missed the police and fire departments showing up and barricading the crowd to the sidewalk across the street.  For a moment Yunho wondered if they were there for some other reason…like a bank heist in the building under him.   

 

He took another sip of Coke, watching the action below him like a television show until he realized he was the subject of the programming.  Several bodies appeared on rooftops adjacent and across from his position:  SWAT teams not in place to shoot him, but as a scouting party to figure out how to best get him to safety.  Yunho thought it was a big waste of resources, as he could easily climb down the same way he came up.  It all seemed so surreal and ridiculous that he fell backward laughing.  

 

Evidently that made everyone panic as their voices of concern finally reached his ears.  The screams of fans were always the loudest wherever he went; and therefore, the most distinguishable of noises.  It was the sound of men telling him not to jump that really had him confused.  Once his brain processed what they were implying, Yunho sat up in strict seriousness.  

 

He couldn’t remember ever thinking that he was doing anything more than getting away to gain perspective.  So how did these people think otherwise?  Yunho closed his eyes and replayed the past 24 hours in his head.  Jaejoong showed up, Yunho yelled at Changmin; Yunho moved out, Changmin yelled at Yunho; Yunho left SM unguarded, Yunho yelled at himself on a billboard.  Yep, he had made some bad and/or weird choices.  He wasn’t normally like this. And surely Jaejoong and Changmin weren’t the only people upset by his actions. 

 

Yunho looked down at the people, then around to the men surveilling him.  They were all strangers thinking he was on a suicidal mission.  Deep in his heart he knew he wasn’t; but somewhere in his brain, there might have been a notion.  Choosing one man over the other was a form of suicide.  Killing YunJae; killing HoMin, it all entailed the death of a part of himself.  But squelching the pairings with the truth of his heterouality would kill some of U-Know’s popularity, possibly resulting in the death of his career.  

 

Too many pretenses.  He had gotten to his feet effortlessly and gracefully to begin his pace on the shallow ledge.  Earlier he had wondered what Jaejoong and Changmin had to gain and/or lose by making their confessions.  Yunho had never considered what he himself would be gaining or losing.  Choosing or not choosing was nothing more than running away from himself to avoid conflict.   As if God was trying to warn him, a clap of thunder rolled through Seoul.  He felt the reverberations rumble through the metal of the billboard and pulsate through his feet up his legs.  

 

Yunho halted as if an earthquake had hit.  He looked up at the sky expecting to see God’s eyes looking down on him, perhaps even with a frown on his face.  But all he saw was the heavy clouds that had accumulated over the city.  Yunho looked out at the bright lights that were now shrouded in mist.  Seconds later it began to rain.

 

Several people gathered across the street had taken shelter under the awnings of nearby businesses.  The emergency personnel began to takes shifts to change into rain gear.  Only the SWAT team members stood steady; no amount of precipitation deterring them from their job.  Yunho took his next step.  The ledge had become slick with rain.  His foot slid out from under him.  

 

There was a collective gasp from the crowd as he teetered, the Coke unceremoniously dropped in his determination not to go down on his , let alone fall to his death.  Yunho eased himself to a seated position on the shelf and waited for his heart to stop pounding.  Sure, he could just climb his way back down…but he wasn’t quite ready to admit defeat by wet metal.  He didn’t have his answer yet.  

 

He held on and dared to look over the edge to see what had become of his Coke.  From the looks of it, the plastic bottle bounced, as it was nowhere in sight.  Yunho scanned the ground wondering if he could catch the reflection of the plastic container on the street – seeming lit to a brightness that wasn’t naturally induced.  He knew he wouldn’t have bounced, that the artificial lights would have illuminated is broken body and possibly his blood as it oozed onto the pavement.  And then something gleamed, catching his eye.

 

The bottle stood at the feet of some of the police officers.  Two of the three sets of feet wore the standard issue black shoes of the uniform.  The other shoes were, in fact, leather boots, probably Italian in origin.  Yunho looked up to the faces, pretty sure the one belonging to the boots was Jaejoong.  

 

It was.  Yunho had only wished he felt something reassuring in that moment; but he felt nothing.

 

“Yah, are you trying to kill yourself?”

 

Jaejoong’s voice cut through the rain with the help of a bullhorn.  Yunho was disappointed.  The most clichéd question ever had come with the satoori he used to love.  Now it just grated on his nerves.  He looked away, trying to avoid the older man.

 

That’s when he noticed a hooded figure running toward Jaejoong.  They interacted a few moments before the megaphone was pried away from Jaejoong’s hands.  

 

“Hey, idiot, you’re sitting on a big lightning rod!  If it’s your idea to fry yourself in front of fans and on national television, you picked the right place and time.”

 

Changmin’s voice wasn’t tinged with the mirth used when he scolded his leader.  What he had called out was what he thought Yunho needed to hear.  The leader had placed himself in danger with witnesses to his stupidity.  What had these two men done to him?  

 

“Go home, all of you!”  Yunho shouted.  He meant it, too.  He planned on taking his own advice as soon as he knew how to get himself out of the current predicament.  

 

To his surprise, no one left.  Well, almost no one.  Jaejoong stayed, staring up at him like he was some crazy version of his usual self.  Changmin walked away.  It was just as well.  He came to remind Yunho that he was being that crazy version of himself and allowed the leader to make his own choice.

  

Yunho realized he was grinning.  Whether it was Jaejoong’s head following the maknae after finding the bullhorn shoved back in his hands, or the hesitation that came with him trying to use it to talk his friend down off the ledge, Yunho wasn’t sure.  He had just about got it to his mouth when Yunho shouted, “Go home Jaejoong.  I’ll come down when everybody leaves.  Right now, I just want to be alone.”

 

Thunder rumbled again, as if God agreed.  Changmin’s warning of lightning made him shift uneasily on the billboard.  The police had begun trying to disband the crowd below.  Jaejoong took a few steps back, leaning up against the closest police car.  The SWAT team members remained statuesque.  

 

The rain came down a little harder, blurring the city and Yunho’s vision.  He was thoroughly drenched and distracted by the pinging of water droplets hitting the metal around him and the steam rising from the face of the lights aimed at the advertisement.  A gurgle of sound from below reached him as hands raised toward where he was sitting.  

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Yunho saw a figure approaching the ledge of the billboard.  One of the SWAT members, no doubt, here to coax him from his perch.  The man moved toward him slowly, using his arms to balance.  Yunho made no attempt to move.

 

“Shove over, you big dope.”  A shoe nudged Yunho’s thigh.  He looked up as the person pulled back the hood from his head.  

 

“Changminnie!”  Yunho beamed a smile at him.  “What are you doing up here?”

 

He watched as the maknae cautiously eased himself to a sitting position, noting the harness and rope that secured him to something…or someone.

 

“I had to look like I was trying to rescue you.  God forbid, if you died, I’d never live down the fact that I didn’t pull your stupid out of trouble.”

 

“I’m not in trouble,” Yunho told him matter-of-factly. 

 

“Are you sure?”  Changmin .

 

Yunho looked down at the fans again.  “Only if I fall off this platform in front of them.”

 

Changmin shimmied a bit, taking off a thick leather belt.

 

“What are you doing?  You’re going to fall to your death.  Then I’ll never live down the fact that I led you to your death.”

 

“If I were to live, I would tell them you pushed me,” Changmin sneered.  “They sent me up with a ‘buddy belt’.  Put it on so I can hook you to me, and we can get our sorry butts off this oversized poster.”

 

“I’m straight,” Yunho said humbly.  “I love you, but I don’t love you romantically.”

 

“No kidding,” Chanmin said with a chuckle.  “I know you like women.  And I know you once loved Jaejoong romantically.  I thought you might be biual, and I would be okay with that.  But I know what he did to you changed you.”

 

“I led you on.  I’m sorry.” Yunho hung his head causing a cascade of water to drip from his wet hair.

 

“I wanted to be led on.  I hoped you could find what you had with him with me.”

 

“When you left…down there…I thought you had given up on me.”  Yunho wanted to add that he was surprised Jaejoong didn’t take any action – either way – but that was a moot point.  It was never a test.  Changmin did what he thought best for Yunho, and that gave the leader the insight to his answer.

 

“I didn’t give up on you then, and I won’t know.  Probably not ever.  

 

“I won’t lie and say I don’t love you.  I understand you can’t love me the same way.  But that doesn’t change a thing between us.”

 

“There will always be awkwardness.”

 

“Not from me.  I’m just happy to have you in my life, as my partner—however much you want to give.”

 

Yunho hugged his maknae with all his might.