Jaejoong stood at the corner, cap pulled low over his brow.  It was early evening and not many people were out and about on the street.  But that didn’t mean that the fans didn’t know where Yunho and Changmin lived.  Jae had to be careful not to be spotted.  If he wore a mask and sunglasses, it would be a dead giveaway.  The hat would have to do.  

 

The building in Cheongdam-dong was secure.  It had to be.  The sasaeng had a way of getting into places where they shouldn’t be.  Once Dong Bang Shin Ki split and the blame and death threats to the two remaining members poured in, Lee Soo Man had no choice but to add additional security details.  

 

His heart ached with the memories of fans spitting on his precious Yunho and throwing cruel words at the two of them.  They had been labeled cowards – traitors, even.  But Jaejoong knew who the real coward was.  He was standing on the corner, contemplating how to gain access to the one man he loved more than he ever realized.

 

“How hard can it be,” he said aloud, as if summoning up courage to proceed with his plan.  There was nothing between him and the front door.

 

Once traffic cleared, he crossed the street and strode confidently to the entrance.  His hand hesitated as he gripped the chrome handle and was immediately met by the doorman.

 

“Can I help you?”

 

Jae cleared his throat nervously.  “Um, yes, well, I was hoping I could meet with Jung Yunho,” he said coyly, remember to use Yunho’s full name.”

 

“Is he expecting you?”  The burly man inquired casually.

 

“Not exactly.”

 

“I’m sorry, then I can’t let you in.”

 

Putting his hand to the back of his neck, Jaejoong frowned and squeezed away his tension.  “Could you please let him know I am here?  Tell him it’s Kim Jaejoong.”

 

“I know who you are, sir.  I don’t think you should be here.”  The doorman had worked this building since before the boys moved in.  He had been expecting to see this particular member of JYJ try to gain access.  In the beginning he had prepared – no practiced – rejecting the young man on Dong Bang Shin Ki’s behalf, trying to be professional without letting his personal feelings on the matter bias his behavior.  Years had gone by, and it never happened.

 

Tonight was a gift.  He had known the minute Jaejoong set foot in the lobby that time had dulled the bad feelings for all involved.  Karma was coming around, and he had his part to play.

 

 

“Changminnie, get the intercom,” Yunho yelled from the bathroom.

 

“Hyung, I’m eating!”

 

“I’m indisposed,” Yunho called out.

 

Changmin lost his appetite.  He headed to the panel on the wall and picked up the receiver.  He had only to listen to a few words before a frown dragged his lips down.

 

“No way…not in this lifetime!”

 

Yunho had finished and was walking down the hall toward the maknae when he witnessed Changmin slam the receiver back into the cradle.

“What was that about?”

 

“Nothing.”  Min bit his lower lip, still scowling as he returned to the kitchen.

 

Yunho didn’t know what to say.  Changmin had never been rude to the front desk staff before.  He figured he had better call down and apologize on the younger man’s behalf.

 

Changmin expected the leader to come in and berate him, but when he didn’t, there was no other choice than to do what was expected: apologize in person.  Finding Yunho on the intercom, he was mortified.

 

“Hyung, hang up, now!”

 

Yunho turned in the younger man’s direction, his face showing disappointment.

 

“Min-ah…”

 

“He has no right.”

 

“You don’t have to be here, but I want to see him,” Yunho’s misty eyes pleaded with the maknae’s.

 

“This is my home,” Changmin said flatly.

 

“It’s my home too.  He’s on his way up.  If you want to leave the apartment, go to the pool or sit in the lobby.”

 

The younger man wasn’t willing to give up on the issue.  He stood before Yunho with arms folded across his chest, eye’s mismatched and glaring.  “I have put up a lot from you…but this…this….”  He couldn’t finish.  He knew that Yunho wanted to make peace with Jae since the very beginning, even with all the negative publicity and backlash they both took after the schism.  Yunho was too kind and forgiving.  It was the man’s main fault.

 

 

Yunho bristled as Changmin slammed his bedroom door shut.  Within seconds, the front door buzzer sounded, and he found himself taking a few deep breaths to steady his nerves.  He didn’t want to be smiling when he opened the door, knowing Jaejoong would take it seriously and think that all was forgiven.  Yunho had to wonder, how much did he really forgive, and could he ever forget?

 

The door swung open unceremoniously as if the leader of Dong Bang Shin Ki was letting the UPS man in to deliver a package.  He half-heartly raised his arm in gesture to usher the man into the apartment, aware that Jaejoong was vibrating with energy just being so close.  Too bad Yunho couldn’t feel the same way.

 

Jae looked crestfallen at the lackluster greeting.  Surely he expected to be welcomed by his former lover with open arms.  Yunho couldn’t bring himself to immediately say anything.

 

He could hear Changmin’s voice in his head…what the hell do you want?  But that wouldn’t be a very diplomatic welcome.  “Hey,” is what he ended up settling on as the awkward silence grew in a matter of seconds since opening the door.

 

“Hi,” Jaejoong tried to hold his excitement in check.  “Thanks for seeing me.”

 

What do you want?  Changmin’s voice rang in Yunho’s head again.  He was afraid he would utter this rude refrain at any moment.  Evidently, he was more anxious with the man’s presence than he expected.

 

 

Jaejoong shifted his weight from foot to foot as Yunho let out a heavy sigh. “Can we sit somewhere and talk,” he offered, hoping to be invited beyond the foyer.

 

“This was a mistake,” Yunho told him.

 

Jae’s lips made a little ‘oh’ and he willed himself to stay strong. “Mistake or not, Yunho. I have something I need to tell you.  Something I should have told you years ago.”

 

“I don’t need your apologies.”

 

He felt like Yunho had just slapped him across the face.  He definitely wasn’t there to apologize.  He wouldn’t do anything differently –except for tell the man he loved just how much he meant to him.

 

“It’s not…I didn’t come…” he found many false starts.  Perhaps Yunho needed an apology of some sort.  Jae would gladly apologize on behalf of the fandom that went rogue and smeared his and Changmin’s names through the mud.   But somehow he didn’t think Yunho wanted to hear that.

 

“I came to make a confession.”  

 

Yunho smirked and Jaejoong couldn’t blame him.  The words sounded lame even to the person who spoke them.  And yet, he felt the heat of a blush creep over his cheeks.  Yunho could always disarm him with one look…any look. God how he missed the man.

 

“Follow me,” Yunho said walking past him.

 

Jaejoong followed obediently, trying not to notice that there were no photographs of the five of them anywhere.  There were, however, pictures of Yunho with friends, and Yunho and Changmin.  It hurt not to see any of the memories of Yunho and Jaejoong:  Yunjae moments that the world never knew about.

 

“I’m listening,” Yunho dropped into a chair, one leg folded under him.  

 

Jae watched as he drummed his fingers on the arm impatiently.  He took the seat across from him and cleared his throat.

 

“How have you been?  You look good.” 

 

you, Changmin’s voice screamed in Yunho’s head.  He took another deep breath and thought about how to move the conversation along.

“You came here to confess...”

 

Jaejoong didn’t like the uncomfortable tension coming from the man.  He had hoped that Yunho and Changmin would be more welcoming.  Well, he figured Changmin would want to punch him in the face; but at least Yunho let him in the door.  That was a good sign.  This terseness may only be Yunho being cautious.

 

“Where’s Changmin-ah?”

 

“Locked in his room.”  Yunho folded his arms.  “He really does hate you.”

 

“Do you still hate me, too?”

 

Yunho unfolded his leg, leaned forward and rested his elbows on his thighs with his hands folded together.   

 

Jaejoong melted when the man pushed his pouty lips against his hands and looked over at him.  

 

Yunho inhaled deeply, exhaling evenly while placing his forehead where his lips had just been.  

 

It was a long time before anyone spoke.

 

 

Yunho wasn’t ready for this.  Years had gone by and he wondered in the past how he would have handled this situation had it occurred within the first year of their separation.  The loss of Jaejoong hurt more than the loss of the other two members combined.  The hype of the Yunjae couple and all the fan service they gave started out as an inside joke.  But Jaejoong had given Yunho something he needed:  a confidant.  The guidance and unconditional loyalty morphed into something incomprehensible to outsiders, to fans.

 

Yunjae became this fantasy of most of the fandom.  And they played into it at times.  Other times, a simple hug of gratitude, a touch of a knee while sitting or Yunho’s insane need to feel connected to another human being through a physical outlet was mistaken as a homoual encounter.  It didn’t bother him that much.  Yunho was comfortable in his ual identity, even if the fans had it wrong. 

 

But Jaejoong had been different.  He needed Yunho’s acknowledgement as much as Yunho needed his.  Changmin was stand-offish, hating to be touched.  Junsu had his twin, Junho, whom he constantly called and talked with.  Yoochun was an emotional wreck half the time, so worried about his family that he took to confiding in Junsu and Jaejoong before he would ever talk to the leader about his problems.  Of course, Yunho had his own share of family problems, and taking on Yoochun’s would have suffocated him.

 

Jaejoong, on the other hand, was capable of caring for each and every one of them equally.  He recognized the need in Yunho and fed into it.  It was Yunho’s fault for becoming dependent on Jaejoong.  When Jae confessed his ual attraction to Yunho, the leader was shocked and uncertain how to turn the man down.  He was codependent on Jaejoong, and the group’s success was taking off so quickly, there wasn’t time to think about it.  So their behavior went unchecked.

 

“I don’t know what I feel anymore,” he said looking up at Jaejoong.  The man had become a stranger to him.  And no matter how much he had hurt Yunho with his past actions, the emotions were still raw and unexplored.  Yunho had locked them away in his psyche hoping to never have to deal with them.  

 

 

Jaejoong bit his lip, unsure how to continue.  Yunho looked old, weary, unmoved by his presence.  It was disconcerting.

“I came here to tell you how much I’ve missed you,” he began slowly, carefully choosing his words.

 

The snort that issued from Yunho disarmed him.

 

“I never wanted this much time to transpire without speaking to you.  But—“he said quickly; however, Yunho cut him off.

 

“Yes, I know.  I was informed of your attempts as ‘my people’ kept you away.”

 

Jaejoong’s eye’s widened.  “You knew, and you did nothing?”

 

The extreme sadness in Yunho’s face made him change his tone.  “I’m sorry.  I made a choice, and my only regret was that I should have never left you behind.”

 

“But you did,” the man’s voice quivered.

 

Jae felt like crying, eyes welling with tears, but he did not want to shed any in front of this man.  No amount would put him back in Yunho’s good graces.  He took a deep breath and bolstered his resolve.

 

“You knew what my feelings were towards you.  But what you don’t know is that…I lied.”

 

Yunho reacted as if he had just punched him in the stomach.

 

Jaejoong was shaking his head.  “No, no.  I didn’t lie about my feelings.  I lied about how much I cared for you.  It was so much more deeply than just that one emotion.  You empowered me, made me feel like I mattered. The bond that tethered us was stronger than love, stronger than lust, stronger than friendship, brotherhood—incomprehensible…and what I considered inconceivable, until I realized what it was like to live without you.”

 

 

Changmin had snuck out of his room and eavesdropped on the conversation taking place in the living room.  He had expected shouting, maybe some crashing of things being thrown about.  Yunho and Jaejoong had a history of heated interactions that often left a room in shambles.  What he hadn’t considered was that the two men had grown so far apart, neither knew how to deal with the other.

 

All Changmin wanted was to make sure his hyung didn’t come out scarred any more than Jaejoong had previously left him.  

 

“If that bond, as you call it, was so strong and plaited by so many threads, how is it that you cut it so easily?”

 

Changmin pumped his fist in the air, glad that Yunho had spoken his mind so eloquently.  The fact that Jaejoong couldn’t respond was satisfying.  He and Yunho both had enough excuses to last them a life time.

 

“I want to repair it.  I will do anything to make that bond whole again.”  

 

Min heard the plea in Jae’s voice as clear as a bell ringing.  Yunho, no doubt, would fall under the doe-eyed man’s charms. 

 

“Do you really think you could have that back?”  

 

Was Yunho caving in early?  He expected the leader to at least put up a bit of a fight.  

 

“It’s what I want, more than anything else.  As clichéd as it sounds…I can’t live like this anymore…without you I feel…lost.”

 

Damn it, he went right for Yunho’s soft spot!  Changmin suppressed the need to shout at one or both of the men, settling for a hiss of disapproval.

 

“You broke me, Jae.”

 

Changmin grimaced.  Yunho’s confession was coming.

 

“When you left, my end of the bond disintegrated.  What you label as incomprehensible, inconceivable, was not indestructible.”

 

Changmin put his back against the wall and slid down, half relieved, half in anguish over hyung’s pain so plainly heard in his voice.  

 

“We can start over…” 

 

Now Jaejoong just sounded pathetic to Changmin.  Yunho had just bared his soul to the man and Jae was selfish enough to push him for some kind of reconciliation.  

 

Hyung saying nothing in response made Min nervous.  For all he knew, Yunho leaped out of his seat and was planting a big wet one on Jae’s lips.  He shook the thought from his mind.

 

“I will take anything you are willing to give.”

 

Min crawled down the hall and back into his room.  Yunho had obviously crumbled under Jaejoong’s charming ways.