Snoring. All I heard was snoring. I should have been used to it by now, but it was even more unbearable tonight because of my nerves. They were making me a light sleeper.

I sat up & rubbed my eyes, looking down at a much bigger person beside me.
The one that was doing all the snoring.
"Hyung," I nudged my boyfriend, but he still wouldn't move. Most wouldn't find him very attractive with his mouth wide open like that, but I did.
I kicked him as hard as I could under the blanket, & he sat up now as well.
"What? What's wrong?" He turned to me, still half asleep.
"You were snoring."
".........."
"It was loud!"
"I do that every night."
I squirmed nervously in place. "But this time it's different.."
Shownu collapsed back on the bed & I sighed dramatically.
"Listen!"
He was already snoring again, & I thought his actions to be similar to a cartoon.
I glanced at the clock, & it read 7:45am. Okay then. Breakfast won't serve itself.
Walking to the kitchen, I opened the pantry & got started preparing the boys' meals. Cooking was almost therapeutic. My anxiety was a mess, & it made me forget all about it.
Today was the day that we would be doing our first ever live stage for this comeback. It made it easier that it wouldn't be a real audience, not full of fans, but for the press instead. But it still freaked me out either way, way more than it should have. Me & I.M had a lot of the same anxiety problems. Maybe I should wake him up first so that we could talk about it? I shook my head. It's still a bit too early. But we did have to leave out of here at 9...
I crept into his bedroom silently, & nudged his head a little. He groaned & turned to the other side of the bed.
"Come on," I huffed, but he wouldn't budge. I pinched his ear & heard an "Ah!" as high as his deep-toned voice would allow. He turned to me then & I smiled apologetically. Wonho got up sluggishly after hearing the noise, peeking his head down to look at us both. His messy blond hair covered a majority of his face, so I couldn't see his expression. I.M's heavy yawn snapped me out of my thoughts & brought me back to my original goal. Which was to get him out of bed.
"Come on," I said again, & he stammered to his feet. Wonho peeked his head out more, & I smacked my teeth in irritation.
"Do you want to say something? Quit looking down here!"
He brought his head back in a little more, letting only his hair hang from the edge of the bed.
"Why's it bothering you?" I.M asked, his words slurring together from drowsiness.
I saw Wonho's head come back out a smidge more, & I felt my irritation increase. I don't know why, though.
"He just wants to come with us," I.M was barely understandable, as he said it through a yawn.
I felt a twinge of pain. Why didn't I know that? I knew everything about him. This must have been a new habit of his. & it makes sense why I.M would know what it was, but I somehow became filled with jealousy about it. Maybe that's why I was annoyed. It wasn't what he was doing that annoyed me, but the fact that I didn't know why he was doing it or what it meant.
"Come on then," I sighed, & I watched him steadily climb off the bed. He put an arm around I.M & I.M put his head on his shoulder. I thought about Shownu just then, thinking I should try to wake him up one more time. I wasn't too thrilled about being a third wheel.

The room was crowded with strangers. There were only 6 people I recognized- 8 if you counted our managers. I could feel my anxiety rising. Everything was happening so fast. I was quickly placed in a seat after I had gotten dressed in an all white outfit. I scanned the room for Shownu, & he was all the way on the other side. I felt my heart sink. I didn't have much time to think about it, as I was met with a lady who had a makeup brush in her hand, patting away at my face. I saw Wonho out of the corner of my eye getting his mic piece set up & strapped on him. I guess he got finished early. He turned around & my heart raced, as I caught a glimpse of his back. He wore a sleeveless shirt with the zipper pulled down in the middle. It looked really good, & that just made me even more excited to see my boyfriend in that exact same outfit. It was frustrating being in love with two people, I had to admit it to myself. But feelings just don't disappear that quickly. I had waited & waited for them to go away, but instead I had to make room in my heart for them both. They didnt fit very comfortably, either- always pushing & pulling, fighting for the top spot. No one could win. It was always a fair fight. I wanted Shownu to take it so badly, but I couldn't let Wonho go.
Technically, I did. But my heart didn't agree with the decision.

"You're done."
"Huh? Oh, uh.. Thank you." The makeup artist's voice broke me out of my thoughts, as I got out of the chair & bowed to her silently. Mostly everyone was done now too, & Shownu met up with me with a serious look on his face.
"What's wrong?" I asked, studying his expression. He doesn't usually look like that before we go on stage. It must have been something else, but what?
"You look great."
"Huh?" His words didn't match up with his face. "Hush. Just let me see." I grabbed a hold of him to turn him around to see the back of his shirt, & I smiled to myself. It was exactly like Wonho's, & I was completely satisfied.
"Why do you like this so much?" He asked, turning back to me.
"You really want me to say it here?" I motioned towards all the people around us that weren't supposed to know that we were even a thing. He scanned the room quickly, bent down to give me a kiss on the cheek, then peered around again to see if anyone saw. My eye twitched. I swear if he blew it for us....
He bent down to say something in my ear.
"It's alright if we get caught, right? I'll take the blame for it."
I pushed him away, not sure what kind of emotion I was displaying on my face. He gave me a smirk & I knew what that meant. It meant he found whatever it was that I was doing cute. AKA, not taking me seriously at all.
"Are you crazy?!" I whispered. What was he doing? Why was he jeopardizing our relationship? Did this mean nothing to him at all?
Wonho glanced our way, his gray eyes resting on me & piercing right into my soul. I felt my face becoming less tense. He started to take a step towards me, but I.M went to him just then, & all his focus shifted to the younger one, giving him a big smile.
'Stop it,' I warned internally when I felt myself getting bothered. When I.M first told me that he was going out with Wonho, I didn't feel anything. Not the least bit jealous. Now, it's different. My head keeps replaying that kiss we had a few days ago, & it's been screwing me up ever since. I couldn't get it out of my mind. Did I want it to happen again? Sure, I told him he shouldn't be going after me. But that was only for the best interest of our boyfriends. It didn't at all reflect how I truly felt.
I had to force myself to say things like that, but those were all a front. I didn't mean any of it. I just knew the right things to do & say, at the right times. It came with the territory of being an idol.
"Kihyun." A calm voice tried to get my attention, & I gazed up at the owner of the voice.
"Yes?" I wished my love had went all to him. He didn't deserve anything less.
"You really do look good. Especially in those jeans." Even though he complimented my clothes on the outside, he was basically wearing the same ones, just an alternate version of them. His clothes were tight in all the right areas, making his body look even more defined. I just looked like a carton of milk.
"You're the one that looks good, hyung. Not me."
"Out of all the lies in the world, you're telling the biggest one."
Blood instantly rose to my cheeks, & I gave them a quick slap before it could show the color. Shownu just shook his head. Even though it didn't matter at this point in our relationship, I still didn't want him seeing how flustered he still made me.
Hyungwon handed me two mic packs & headsets filled with wires, & I figured it was for Shownu & I. I gave him his, helping him strap it on. I didn't need help with mine but he offered to help anyway, so I let him. I tried not to rely on him as much as I could, knowing how spoiled I could be. I'd much rather take care of him instead. He was my light.
I glanced at Wonho again, who was checking on his reflection in a mirror.
I reminded myself that I had to stop getting swept away by him.
Because he was my darkness.
I drew in a breath; the cold air in the room now filled & surrounded my lungs. I closed my eyes for a moment, & when I opened them, we were all somehow backstage behind a dark curtain, almost as if we had teleported somehow. I heard a voice call out our name over a speaker, & I panicked. Usually Wonho would be comforting me, but he had someone else to worry about with that issue now. I needed an equivalent to that, but I never told Shownu about my problems with this sort of thing. I needed to be strong for him. I needed to look out for him. It being the other way around wasn't something I was ready to give up just yet.
I saw I.M clutch the front of his shirt, & Wonho simply moved his hand away from it without looking, staring straight ahead at the back of the curtain; almost as if he knew what he was going to do. They were so in tune with each other, it was hard to watch.
"You ready?" He asked.
I.M shook his head.
"Are you ready?" He asked again, not taking no for an answer. I.M nodded this time, & Wonho smiled to himself.
"Then let's go get 'em."

"Ugh." I plopped face first onto the couch as soon as we got home. It wasn't out of exhaustion, more like frustration.
"It's ok Kihyun. Mistakes happen," Minhyuk rubbed my back, referring to how I messed up on stage earlier. I failed to hit the very last high note that I needed to. My mind was entirely somewhere else.
"Not to mention I screwed up too. Its ok." I heard Hyungwon's voice as well, & I could only groan. They didn't understand. I always strived for perfection. After a few minutes of silence & letting my mind calm down, I decided to speak.
"We practice so much day after day & for what? Just so we can not get it right for the real thing? No!" I sat up, & realized that they were no longer there.
"They went to go shower." Wonho leaned over the edge of the couch casually, still in his stage outfit like me. He had a drink in his hand & he offered it to me.
"It's not poison, is it?"
"I'm really interested to know where you think I would even get poison from."
"It's not a real question," I took it from him & immediately regretted it, handing it back as fast as I took it.
"What's wrong? Didn't like it?"
"You know I hate orange juice."
"You never asked what it was."
"I didn't have to because you know! I hate! Orange juice!!" I was shouting now, as my feet led me to stand on the couch. Wonho's laugh was deep yet high at the same time. I scowled. He does this on purpose, this I knew. But deep down I was glad when we had interactions like this.
I heard the door creak open as the others came bustling in, talking loudly. Jooheon had an arm around I.M's shoulder, seeming to be explaining to him about something. When Wonho saw this, his laughter completely cut off. Shownu went around the couch to lean down & kiss me on my forehead, but I stretched a hand out to his chest signaling for him to wait a minute. He looked over at the rest of them, & my eyes took a minute to re-adjust themselves. I was confused, because now Wonho had his arm around I.M's shoulder, instead of Jooheon's.
"Hyung.." I heard I.M say to Wonho. "You don't have to be like this."
"Like what?"
"Abusing. Controlling. Self sentered. Egotistical. Passive aggressive. Should I go on?"
My head felt like it was spinning. Everyone seemed to have the same thoughts I had. Did Jooheon really just say that?
"This is the kind of that made me want to fight you the last time. Do you really want to start up with me again?" Wonho gave a pleasant smile, but I knew from experience that what he felt on the inside was most likely anything but pleasant. & that's what made it even scarier. I wished they wouldn't fight, though. I was too tired to step in, & if it came down to it, I knew that I was the only one that could.
"I'm right, aren't I Kihyun?" Jooheon ignored his question, calling my name.
Everyone turned to look at me, & I blinked several times. Why was I being brought into this?
"Jooheon..?" I asked slowly. "What are you doing..?"
"Just answer him," I heard Shownu say, & I jumped ever so slightly. I completely forgot that he was standing behind me. When I got over that, I turned around to look at him in confusion. What was going on?
"What happened to you staying out of things that don't concern you?" Wonho asked, stepping closer to him. I felt myself leaning closer to him as well, ready to intervene if needed, but I.M had the same idea I did & placed his hands onto Wonho's waist.
"I decided that it does concern me, if it's about the well-being of someone I care about."
" off. The only time we have a problem is when you try to step in."
Shownu coughed, & I rolled my eyes in annoyance. Wonho gave a pretty smile in his direction.
"Shownu, what's up? Cause we could make this about you & your boyfriend too, if you want."
"I think it's already heading in that direction." He was very calm & level-headed when he spoke. Just like I had always known him to be.
Just the exact opposite of Wonho.
"Can we just not? I'm tired." I plopped back down on the couch, face first again. This was really giving me an unnecessary headache.
"Kihyun, I need you awake for this."
I sat up faster than ever, & I felt a vain in my forehead throbbing. I closed my eyes really tight.
"Jooheon. I swear to god if you don't shut up & leave me out of this. If we're talking about anything that has to do with me & Wonho, then forget it. I'm not going there with you today, or ever." I lay back down, closing my eyes & hoping they would all go away so I could take a nap.
"What does he mean by 'abusing'?"
My eyes opened again, & I groaned. Of course I.M would pick up on that. But why Jooheon had to mention it, I'll never know. Either way, I didn't feel like explaining it.
"Kihyun, can you explain this?" the youngest one asked again.
I took a deep breath. I had had it up to here with this entire thing.
It was all a blur, as I jumped to my feet in an instant. I stormed up to the three of them, & it all came out without me thinking.
"Why should I have to explain anything? What happened between me & Wonho is between me & Wonho! Why are you all so fixated on something that doesn't even matter?! About something that happened in the past?! If he hit me, well that's my business! If he cheated on me? Also my business! But you all are acting like I.M isn't perfectly capable of handling this himself!" I turned to Jooheon now. "I honestly don't think he would ever think of doing it again! I know what you saw last time is enough to doubt me, but trust me what I'm saying! If he was dangerous, don't you think I'd be worried about them sleeping in the same room, or them even being together as a couple in the first place?! & even if I was, who am I to stop them? & who are you to stop them as well? Let your jealousy go! If you prevent mistakes from happening, then no one learns from them! & if Wonho hurt me, it was my probably my fault! So let's leave it at that!"
I staggered backwards. Yelling really took a lot out of me. I half expected to feel a hand slide around my waist to support me, but there was none, & I staggered backward even more.
"Eh?" I was honestly surprised. I looked at Shownu expectantly, but he was looking away somewhere at the wall. I shifted towards the rest of them, & they gazed at me with mixed expressions. I couldn't read them at all.
"Jealousy?"
"Cheated?"
"Your fault?" Jooheon, I.M, & Shownu inquired in that order. What did I say? It truly was a blur. It came out all in a rush with my anger.
"What did I say?" my voice echoed my thoughts. What did I say?
"You told Jooheon that I hit you, yet you're wondering this entire time why he's so against me & I.M? Tch!" Wonho spoke to me with clearly all the hatred in the world. But I didn't do anything to him. So that left me unphased entirely. He was just in one of his moods. One out of one thousand.
"I didn't tell him. He was standing right there when it happened, & you probably were too hyped up to remember."
"When what happened? So you really did hit Kihyun?" I.M gave a disappointed look to Wonho, & Wonho had been looking at the same wall Shownu was.
"I was also cheating on him too.." he wrapped his arms around I.M's, which were still around Wonho's body. "So now that you know that, I guess you can decide whether or not you want to still be with me."
Everyone blinked. I don't think anyone thought he had it in him to be so honest. I figured he would put up another fight & tell us off. But he.. didn't.. He was being.. compassionate towards I.M.. Something that I never got.
My twinge of envy came back. & while I was feeling green, everyone was anticipating I.M's answer. But I didn't care. I stormed away before I could hear it.

If I couldn't have him, then what did it matter?