Grieving Alone
The Colourful You & The Colourless IJaejoong is sitting with the medical team that has been involved in Jihye's case. A neurosurgeon, Jihye's GP, a psychologist, and a physiotherapist are having a final meeting with him before she can leave the hospital. Although he has been preparing himself for all possible bad to worst scenarios, his heart keeps on thumping against his ribcage ready to just burst out in any minute.
“Looking at all the results, Jihye is stable, despite her illness. She remembers you, your friends, her home school teacher, servants and even her Internet friends. She remembers how her room looks like, different passwords, Website, ways and directions to your previous flat, your work or her favourite places etc. What she does not remember is... your parents and her own home. All of their memories from her birth until her now are locked. A traumatised brain often does that in order to shield itself from the further damages. We cannot put more pressure on her brain because of the tumours and the traumas...”, explains the neurosurgeon.
“Yes, She might jumps back and fourth her present and previous self due to the confusion caused by her memory loss. You might find her behaving just like she behaved when she was seven years old, for example... I also advice you not to live in the same house. If possible, take her out of Seoul or another country for further treatment. In any event, please try not to make her remember your parents or anything related to them. If she asks, I suggest that you come up with something fictional instead of telling her the truth... It would be a lot better for the patient if she remembers herself”, explains the psychologist.
"We also regret to inform you that due to major spine injuries, Jihye might not be able to walk again... Of course there are therapies and there is always a hope", informs the physiotherapist, looking at Jaejoong. "We are sorry..."
“I... ammm... So... she...”, Jaejoong does not know what to say anymore. Knowing that his sister does not remember her own parents is painful. However, realising that he, who has been waiting for her to wake up so that he could have a funeral for his parents and mourn together is not going to happen anymore, is even worst. It is heart wrenching. In case she asks about them, he has to lie. Now he knows what being helpless feels like.
“The referral letters for patient's further treatments are ready and you can collect them from the reception. We are sorry to break some negative news to you... However, the best news is, Jihye is alive", says the neurosurgeon smiling friendly to him.
The conversation ends after discussing some further steps and everyone giving him either a sympathetic smile or a tap on the shoulder, leaves, apart from the neurosurgeon.
“Jaejoong...”, he sits on the chair near him.
“hm”, not finding his voice or words, Jaejoong could only look at him.
“I am so sorry... I wish I could help you and Jihye”
“No... you have done more than enough already, Yoochun-ah”
“Do not say that. Jihye... she is not just my patient. She is also my little princess... like it or not”, says Yoochun playfully with the hope in his to make Jaejoong feel just a bit better.
Jaejoong bursts into tear as he smiles.
“Thank you for being such good friend although we have rather been long distance friends”
“Yah... our parents were called friends but they were like a family. That makes us family too”, replies Yoochun patting his shoulder.
The next day
Upon Jaejoong's request to have a quite and simple funeral for his parents, Yoochun, a few close friends of his father and the representatives of his father's company come to the funeral. Respecting his request, there is no media coverage.
He stands there as the last prayers are said. He refuses to cry in front of so many people. His father would not like it. He watches the coffins that are carrying his parents being placed slowly in the graves. He stands there until the coffins are buried and flowers are placed on the graves. He receives the final greetings from everyone who came to the funeral. At the end, he stands all alone. He takes a deep breath, telling himself that now he can finally grieve.
But. He will be grieving alone.
He sits in front of his father and mother's grave, wrapping himself in his arms and cry his heart out all quite at first. The pain that his entire being has been carrying and is going to carry from now on, is heavy and suffocating. It strikes him with all the force like a thunder storm, shaking the walls and foundations of his strength and scarring soul. The storm of emotions turns into cruel whispers, whispering,
You lost them... They are no more... and you cannot even mourn properly. You cannot show tears to the closest ones... You just have to mourn now. Grieve... Grieve alone... Mourn... All Alone...
Giving in to those cruel whispers, he screams with the agony, beats his chest to breath, throws himself on his mother and fathers grave and mourns with all his being. He lets all of his guards down and let himself fall apart, just for now. He is not afraid to feel the pain he has been suppressing.
He lets it all out.
He has to.
Standing next to his car, Yoochun could hear Jaejoong, complaining, questioning and apologising to his newly buried parents. He then looks in the direction where his father is buried and smiles, thinking,
“Appa, are you well? Now you are not alone or lonely, right? You have your three good friends with you. Look after each other... I miss you... Saranghe...”
Jaejoong stops crying after an hour. He stands up, wipes his tears and face, brushes his clothes and stands up.
“I will not mourn for you anymore, omma, appa! I will look after Jihye. I will make sure that she lives a long and healthy life. I will... stay strong... We will move to Jeju-do, appa. You know my company is there... I know... it is small compares to yours but... still... I will make it bigger and I will make you both proud of who I am... wait for me... unh?”, saying that he gives a deep bow and walks towards his car.
Yoochun waves to him smiling and he waves back at him. They share a long hug before driving on different roads.
Jaejoong is currently living in Jeju-do, working on the project with Junsu. Kim, Junsu is an architect and belongs to a family that owns the architect companies. He is currently working with his father on a huge scale project in Jeju-do. Jaejoong's company has been entrusted with the interior design in this project.
Junsu had called the movers the moment Jaejoong told him about the current situation.
Everything in Kim's Villa will now be moved to the storage, apart from Jihye's belongings. They will be moved to Jeju-do. The villa will then be put among the properties to rent. Jaejoong advises his family lawyer that the rent will go to Jihye's account. The managing director his father's company also contacted him to discuss about Kim's business and it's future. Jaejoong requests him to visit him with the company's attorney and his family lawyer in Jeju-do after few weeks so they could discuss this matter thoroughly.
He walks in the Villa for the last time before he would move from Seoul with Jihye. The guards are still standing there. Recognising Jaejoong they come and pay their condolences and asks about Jihye's health. Chatting with them for a bit, he thanks them and enters the villa. His slow steps takes him to the living room where he could still see his last conversation with his father happening in front of him...
“Appa, business is not something I can even once relate to. I am just not made for this... I am so sorry to disappoint you but I want to study interior-designing and art....”, he tries to explain to his father.This is not the first time they are discussing this matter.
“Try to put yourself in my shoes, Jaejoong-ah! Who is going to take over what I have worked so hard for, after me? Jihye? I wish she did not have brain tumour... but... my poor angel...”, Mr. Kim tries to argue back helplessly. “Appa does not wish to force you, Jaejoongie... Appa....”
“Appa... I am really sorry... really... A well known school of Art and Design in Paris has already accepted me. They are even offering me a scholarship... you always told me to follow my dreams... what has changed your mind all the sudden, Appa... please explain to me... wh”, he is then interrupted by his mother. An elegant lady who has been sitting there all quite through this whole father-son arguments, cannot take it anymore. One could tell that Jaejoong got his elegant and soft looks from his mother.
“Do you not want to make your father proud and share his burden, Jaejoong-ah! Son! Omma... was thinking... if you study business you could buy a interior company and art galleries...Unh?
“Omma... it is not the same... I do not even understand the basic of business... I only feel alive when I...”
“See? We should not have sent him to boarding school and college. You do not even introduce him to others in our circles. He does not even know all of the children of our close family friends. He cannot even put himself at his father's place to realise where he belongs and who he is, dear. I told you not to let him live on his own...”, his mother looks at his father while talking emotionally.
“Dear... you know very well WHY I did this”
“Now you see the result... was it worth it, dear?”
“YES. Even though I regret it right now, I KNOW THAT IT IS ALL WORTH IT”, his father raises his voice that echoes in the entire Kim Villa. Jaejoong looks at his father shocked, not understanding what he and his mother were arguing about all of the s
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