Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

Badump. Badump.  Badump.

Ahhhhhhhhh!! So much frustration.... I can't remember the answer, I knew I should have read that page again. Oh nevermind.... I’ll just submit it the way it is, I mean I don’t know the answer anyway so even if I change it, it won’t make a difference.

Submitted. Shutdown laptop. I just have to survive another 4 tests this week and I’ll be done with Hell Week. I mean what kind of person does this to other people. 5 tests a week on 4 different sections (more like areas of specialities which basically have their own 2000 page textbook with tiny writing). At least I can tick off Monday and I am left with 2 on Wednesday and 2 on Friday.

Now what to do with myself for the next 45 minutes left of this test? Sleep? I am tired but what if I snore!?! Okay so no sleeping then. Let’s look out the window. Oh look! Pretty clouds.... Mmmmm... I’m bored again... Let’s check out how I look on my black screen! Oh! My hair’s messy.... I probably should have brushed it properly but I woke up late. Oh wait! There he is! When I wrote my first test at the beginning of the year I hadn’t know that he sat behind me... I mean I did know but I didn’t realise that he sat close enough for me to look at him on my screen. From that moment on after a test I would always spy on him on my screen…

So here’s the lowdown. The guy I’m talking about is Wu Yi Fan aka Kris Wu. He’s sort of popular. Not as popular as Sehun who has his own fan club but he has a decent amount of people who follow him around. He’s kind of.... pretty? But definitely not as pretty as the soccer captain Lu Han. He’s not rich like Suho either. Nor is he smart like Yi Xing. He isn’t a clown like Chanyeol or a dancer like Kai. He’s certainly not as cute as Baekhyun and not a kung-fu panda like Tao nor does he have doe-like eyes like D.O. He’s also not as sweet as Xuimin or as thoughtful as Chen. So in a way he’s pretty normal.

I probably sound like a stalker but really I’m not. I haven’t looked him up on any social media at all. I don't even know his birthday. So really I’m not a stalker. I mean a part of me thinks that I’m ‘crushed’ and he’s on the other end.

As you have probably gathered from these inner ramblings, I basically live in my head. Often times I have whole conversations with people in my head and then I restart those conversations and choose a different reactions to find the perfect conversation that I would have had or will have if I ever spoke to this person or said what I really mean. Then sometimes I write down my imagined scenarios in my book. It’s a leather bound book. It was a gift from someone that I once cherished. She’s kind of not a part of my life anymore due to some happenings.

“Sam!” my best friend from class, X, called, “They said we can go. Honestly most people are dying to get out of here but not you clearly.”

“Sorry got caught up in my head,” I said with a giggle.

Kris walked passed me. He was talking to a girl. I noticed that he never had a huge smile on his face rather this sort of half-amused smile.

I looked away and tried to figure out what X was talking about. “I just couldn’t figure out what that answer was, does it include vomiting?” she asked. I shrugged my shoulders and replied honestly, “I can’t remember a thing.” She huffed conveying her frustration and then continued, “Let’s stop thinking about this test and go for coffee.” I nodded my consent.

The day between the tests felt endless. I had to force myself to study after a test! Who does that!?! Crazy people that’s who! So now we’re at Wednesday and I am so tired. As I walked towards my usual table I realised that X was further back. As I walked by, she rolled her eyes and pointed towards three other girls who had chosen to rob us of our seats.

“Okay ladies and gentlemen, switch on your devices and log in,” the IT professional said. I hurried to sit down and plug in my laptop.

Watching the blue screen of Windows 7 with the “Welcome” screen was one of the things I truly hated about writing online tests. Why? Because the waiting is terrible, there’s always that possibility that you won’t log on because there’s too many people trying all at the exact same time.

I sighed in relief when my screen changed to an ugly screen with one shortcut. I double-clicked the shortcut to enter the test.

An invigilator called out, “Please raise your hand if you have not been able to log in yet.” She looked around and continued, “While we wait for the rest of you to log on, I will read out the rules. Please listen carefully, I know that you have heard these all before but this is just to remind you…” I blocked out the rest of her speech. It was the same one regardless of which invigilator spoke. I understand that they have to read out the rules to us but I still feel like I’m not a small child and I don’t need repetition especially if I have to hear it five times this week.

I clicked through the test, pausing to read and tick the answer that I felt was correct. I checked the remaining time 1:04:39. How could I only have been working for almost 26 minutes? It feels like I have aged about forty years already….

I went through the answers another 3 times. Always stopping at the same questions and trying to find some sign that would tell me the correct answer. I looked down at my nails, noticing that I still had some leftover nail polish that I hadn’t cleaned off. I hope nobody noticed.

40:41. When will this end!?!

31:29. I’ve decided that as soon as the clock hits 30. I’m submitting my test and shutting down my laptop.

30:00. Submit. I clicked the shutdown icon and looked around to see who else had finished. My heart skipped a beat when I saw Kris. Well to be more precise, the back of his head. He’s so tall in comparison to everyone else. His laptop was still on. He seemed to be trying to figure out a question. It felt strange to not be seeing his face on my screen.

I spent the next 10 minutes studying Kris and his behaviour. When he shut down his laptop, he stretched his arms up and the back muscles that he gained from basketball were all very visible. He looked around and I quickly looked away. I stared straight ahead but somehow I still managed to see him from the very corner of my eye. He seemed to have felt my staring and was trying to figure out who sat behind him. I tried to stop the reddening of my cheeks. I peeked again and his blank gaze caught my guilty one

I spent the rest of my time not looking at Kris for fear of being caught staring.

Dying…. Dying… Becoming a zombie… Zombie I tell you!!! Zombie!

Friday… 2 more Sam! Just 2 more… You can do this!!! Luckily I got my seat again. X turned around and gave me a thumbs up. The three girls who had stolen our seats on Wednesday stared at us with a smile that spoke of a hatred that we did not deserve. I smiled and chuckled softly.

“Ladies and gents…” the IT professional began. And here we go again.

42:07. Submit. I waited for my screen to turn black and then stared at the familiar corner where Kris usually is but with disappointment that he moved to another seat. I sighed. I hope it wasn’t because he thought that I was some stalker or something. The first test finished and we left.

4 hours later and starting to write the final test, I looked at my screen only to find that he wasn’t there again.

I waited some more then finally the words that I was dying to hear came, “You may leave now…” the rest of the words were drowned out by the sound of students packing and leaving.

Freedom!!! Yay!!! So much excitement! In the distance I heard Chen’s voice, “Aish! That was a great test! We should always sit in these specific spots because we always write great when we do.” I rolled my eyes despite the guys being okay, they could really be annoying. ‘They’ being Chen, Suho, Baekhyun, Lu Han, Lisa, Jisoo and Jennie. Suho laughed and said, “That was so easy, did you see that question about incontinence? Ridiculously easy!”

Someone knocked into me and hurried off without a glance back. I looked up to find the culprit, Lay. “Wah! Watch where you walking!” X shouted. She turned to me and said, “You okay? I can’t believe he just stormed passed us.” I smiled thinly and then said, “Doesn’t matter. So what you doing now?” “Mianhe Sam,” she said putting her hands together, “I made plans with my sister so I have to leave now and I won’t be back till Monday for class.” She looked at me with a sad and pleading expression. I smiled at her and replied, “No don’t worry about it, silly! I can be on my own you know plus Tiffany and Sally are not busy this week so we’ll probably go out.” We got to 2^nd floor and X went to her room as I continued up to 5^th floor.

I looked around at my room, noticing the things that were placed haphazardly and in a rush. I started to clean up and find homes for my items. I checked my watch, 16:00. The Little Onion would be open for another hour. I could go grab a pastry and some hot tea. I took my phone and wallet.

The Little Onion is a bakery just round the corner from our dorms. They have the most delicious cookies and cake. As I walked in I could smell the freshly baked savoury bread. I could feel my tummy give a pleasant hum at the thought of a well-deserved treat. I walked to the counter and proceeded to order a pecan tart with a cup of hot Assam milk tea.

I sat down by the window and watched people walk by. The door chime tinkled softly and I looked to see who had come in. My eyes widened, Kris was here. I looked down. Do I go over and say hi? Do I pretend to not have seen him? Do I just smile and wave? What do I do? I don’t know… Ahhhhhh! Internally crying for help.

“Is someone sitting here?” a deep, smooth voice inquired. My head snapped up and I nodded slowly before hurrying to look outside. Kris sat down. I quickly took a gulp of my tea.

He held something in front of me. After I saw what it was, I choked a little on my hot tea. My leather book. My eyes grew large. “I believe this belongs to you,” he said with an unreadable expression. I was shocked. Do I make a grab for it and run away? Did he read it? Should I deny and say it’s not mine (even though there is a picture of me and the giver of this book)? Do I politely ask for it back?

“You should be more careful with your things,” Kris continued casually. He paused, looked at me, looked out the window and continued, “I hope you don’t mind I saw a loose piece of paper with my name on it so I read it.”

I took a breath sharply. I folded my lips down and then released them again trying to capture a normal pace for my breathing.

He then turned to me, his lips lifting towards a fond smile, “You know if you stopped living in your head, you might get to have those conversations that you envision.” He stood up and left.

I’m totally ‘crushed’. But I’m happy to be so. I felt a large face-splitting grin plastering itself on my face.