Author: queen07

Story Title: Give Up??

Genre: FamilyAU and Others

Characters: Sehun (EXO), Suze (Miss A), Chanyeol (EXO), EXO Members & Other OCs

Type: Oneshot Collection

Before I start, let me first do a brief explanation of who I am as a reviewer. I'm frank and hate sugar-coating my words, but I believe in giving constructive criticism. I will,of course, compliment you when necessary. There are two ways in which I'll be presenting my review - one being the usual kind in which I go through the fundamentals of your story and the other being a commentary, in which you get to view me as a reader. I do hope both forms are helpful to you. Also, I do apologise for the wait. You may now proceed.

Title

I'd have to say that your title didn't really attract my attention. It didn't make me ponder over your plot and honestly, if I were to be scrolling through AFF in search of a new read, I would easily scroll pass your title simply because it doesn't stand out. Apart from that, your title doesn't link to your story at all. Sure, your story did portray Bujo not giving up, but that's that. Is your title supposed to speak for your collection or for Bujo? Pick a title that links to Suzy and her journal, because even though it's not really shown, this whole collection is somewhat based on her. 

Description

When I first saw the description, I wondered who - or what - Bujo was but that's just it. That's where my questions stopped. This is because you didn't give away much. Now, not giving away much information regarding your story is indeed good and could make readers more curious. However, to what extent the ambiguity should be depends on the story. In your case, you're giving away too little, thus having a opposite effect on your readers. You didn't give them enough to intrigue them. The description doesn't make them interested in Bujo either - except for what her identity is. Here's the thing; from your description itself, one can see your writing style and whether the story is worth a read. A tip from me to you would be this: Use Pathos.

What is Pathos? Well, Pathos basically means an appeal to emotion. If your story is sad, appeal to your readers through sadness. If your story is happy, appeal to your readers through joy. If your story is meant to leave your readers standing on the edge, then use hair-pulling suspense. Emotional appeal works best, especially when it comes to building a bond between your readers and your story. A story is twice as better when one feels attached to it. So give your readers a little more through your description. Evoke a sense of curiosity to the extent in which they would want to click the 'next' button. However, if you'd like to keep to your current description, there are a couple grammatical errors here and there.

What you wrote:

Humans aren't the only one who knows, how to love?

What it should be:

Humans aren't the only ones that know how to love.

Foreword

I personally like certain bits of your foreword. However, the way you structured your sentences were rather awkward and could possibly make your readers confused. 

What you wrote:

This is just a collection of stories inspired from a newspaper article. I am trying to capture every human emotion in this collection. Love, Friendship, Trust, Hardwork, struggle and many more aspects of life. I hope you will like. 

It's more like a journal of Suzy. Suzy is married woman and likes to write. Suzy's husband Sehun annoys her out of habit but still supports her. let's see some entries of Suzy's journal.

What it could be:

These are the contents of Suzy's journal - a married woman who enjoys writing. Love. Friendship. Trust. Hard Work. Struggle. Every aspect of life, every human emotion will be captured in the following entries. 

This way, it'd be more clear cut. However, I feel as though the contents of your foreword belongs in your description and vice versa. This is because you would like to introduce Suzy first, with this collection revolving around her and not Bujo. Apart from that, it would also form a relation between your readers and Suzy. Seeing the emotions that would be displayed may tug at your readers' heartstrings; thus urging them to read on. Those into sentimental pieces would definitely find this collection worth the read.

Chapter 1

Personally, your story was refreshing. It wasn't different, because there are a number of stories on this site that use a journal concept similar to yours, but it's been a while since I've read such a thing. Such a light-hearted and informal piece like this was a fun read. Of course, I'm aware that you were trying to portray multiple emotions, and that I will talk about later. The thing about journal entries is that it is easier for a reader to put themselves in the place of the character. This is because it is as though the character is relating a story to the reader personally. It's like two friends conversing with one another, thus the lightheartedness and informality. Another thing about journal entries is that you don't have to stress over how to write it, because it's a journal entry and you can write a journal entry however you want. However, the difficult part would be making your readers feel the emotions you want them to feel. It's all in the way you relay the story. This is what I notice as I read through your writing.

You tend to throw the emotions out there but you never focus on any of them long enough to make the readers feel the slightest bit affected. Here's one tip for you: Take your time. Nobody's rushing you to write; just like how nobody is rushing you to cut short every emotion. Tackle one emotion at a time. Aside that, tackle one character at a time. You never focus your attention on one sole character. All of them - including Suzy - is generic. This is simply because you never elaborate on them. Instead, you briefly introduce one character and then delve into introducing the next. For example, the scene in which Suzy talks about her brothers. That was a scene depicting love between siblings as well as happiness. However, what I noticed was that you only covered the surface of the two aspects. How is Yixing like as a brother? What about Yifan? You only talked about them as a whole and not as individuals.

What did Yixing have that Yifan did not? What did Yifan have that Yixing did not? You wrote about the way they treated Suzy, how they looked after her, but what about the other way around? What made Yifan and Yixing treasure Suzy apart from the fact that she was their little sister? How did Suzy treat them? What brought the three together? Then there's the scene in which Bujo was weakening as the days went by. Give more and you'll get better reaction. Evoke sadness. Use the power of description. Because this is a diary entry and you're only writing from Suzy's perspective, use her five senses -whichever necessary - to help you with your description. 

Eyes - Was he dazedly looking afar? Did his eyes lose their souls? Was he always droopy? Was he always in a particular position? Did he stare out the window from time to time in hopes of seeing Lucy running towards the house? When he sleeps, does he have nightmares? Does he even sleep? Did his eyes stop lighting up? Did his tail stop wiggling? How were Yifan and Yixing reacting to his situation? Did they feel as sad as him? Were there pity in their eyes? Did Suzy occasionally see them trying to play with Bujo only to have him not react?

Ears - Would Suzy hear him whining from time to time? Did he stop barking in excitement? Did he stop panting the way a dog would when one gets excited?

Feel - Was his fur coming off? How did he feel in Suzy's hands? Was he bony? Was he bloated? Was he shivering under her touch? 

All of these questions, if answered, and details, if provided, could add volume to your story. It would add emotion and readers would be able to feel it second-hand. Go into details. Your characters aren't just characters. They're humans in the fiction world. To be honest, I see more personality in Bujo compared to the rest - probably the reason he's my favourite among all of them. Then again, this particular piece is focused on him. However, take note that you should never forget about the side characters. They play a part in making the story more alive as well.

On a side note, I have one question that has been lingering in my mind up until now. Why did Sehun say, "At least leave the dog?" at the beginning? What did he mean? Also, where on earth did the monkeys come from? Please do explain, I need answers.

Now let's talk about your grammar. To be really honest, you need to polish up your grammar skills. I could get a rough idea of what you were getting at in every sentence. However, there were times in which I would have to re-read the sentences in order to understand you. You tend to use the wrong punctuation as well as tenses. Apart from that, your sentence structure is rather awkward. This then disrupts the flow of your story. Most readers on this site are very particular with such things. They want a smooth read and honestly, so do I. This is personally because I'm a perfectionist and pay attention to every detail but other readers probably have their own reasons too. You don't need to have perfect grammar; but I'm telling you there is a lot of room for improvement on your part. I'm sure you want your story to look presentable. Don't forget that good grammar also adds value to the story; simply because when the flow is not disrupted, readers would pay more attention to the plot rather than the grammar mistakes you make. Therefore, the next time you write, read through your writing as many times as possible. This prevents you from missing out an error. It also allows you to adjust any awkward sentence structures. If you feel you need an extra hand, get a beta-reader. You can even ask me to help you out. Let me just provide you with examples of where you went wrong so you'd get a proper understanding.

What you wrote:

"At least leave the dog" I heard Sehun, shouting from the bathroom. I shake my head, seriously I will never understand why Sehun hate my writing habits and my journal so much?

Although I hate to admit, but when he get mad over me spending time with my 'journal'. He looks so cute, and I can't resist the feeling, an urge to annoy him more.

"Yeah !! right, I should leave you", I shout back. This should annoy him I thought.

What it should be:

"At least leave the dog," Sehun shouted from the bathroom. I shook my head. I never understood why Sehun wasn't fond of my writing habits or my journal. Even so, as much as I'd hate to admit it, he would look so cute whenever he got mad over me spending time with my journal. His reaction would often make me feel the urge to annoy him more.

"Yeah right! I should leave you instead!" I yelled back, thinking my words would throw him off.

Touching on vocabulary, I'd say your choice of words could improve. I've mentioned this earlier; make your readers feel what your characters feel. Show, don't tell. There are times in which your choice of words is good but the way you phrased your sentences toned down the effect of those words. The descriptive side of your writing is lacking. Read other stories on this site. Look at how they are written. Pick up words or phrases you think would be useful for your next written piece. You need to be a reader too, not just a writer. This is because when you are both a reader and a writer, you know what to aspect as a reader. This then helps you provide as a writer. Think like a reader when you are writing. Think like a writer when you are reading. What I mean by this is, when you write, ask yourself, "If I were the reader of this story, would this be enough? Would I be expecting more? What questions would I think? Is this understandable?". On the other hand, when you read, ask yourself, "How would I write this particular scene? How would I have ended this chapter? What kind of opening would I have chosen? Would I have changed anything?"

Commentary

"Sehun was standing beside front door of my study room, just in a towel. Water was dripping from his hair and body." - I know this is supposed to be perceived in an innocent way but oh my, my thoughts have ventured the sinful perception of this. Someone bless me with holy water.

"I make a mental note to lock either my study room or bathroom while Sehun take his beauty bath/shower. - You mean he doesn't lock the bathroom when he showers or bathes?

"Bujo was welcomed in my house with his favourite cake..." - Wait wait wait, can dogs even eat cake?

"Soon, I became friends with squirrels." - ...Same

"I decided to wait for them and sat on boundary wall." - Kid, that is dangerous. You might fall. How do people do that omg

"There was huge monkey right in front of door downstairs." - Wait what, where'd the monkey come from

"I was about to take a step, but then two more monkeys appeared..." - SERIOUSLY WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM

"Yifan had a Rubic's cube and he threw it on monkey to make him go away but monkey instead attacked him." - Yes Yifan, throw a damn Rubik's cube at that already angered creature

"The, I heard Bujo barking furiously." - Aye Bujo, go get them!

"I was crying because Bujo, the same Bujo I hated with all my life, saved my life." - This is why animals are better than humans.

"My mother called the police and monkeys were taken away..." - Again, where

"I wandered in nearby streets, but he was gone." - He's probably with his girl

"Lucy was already lying on ground defeated taking her last breath, when Bujo came." - WAIT NO THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO TURN OUT THIS WAY

"Farm house owner was also sorry..." - Well maybe if you had paid more attention...

"Bujo got weaker and weaker with every passing day." - He better not die

"Bujo finally gave in." - ARE YOU SERIOUS

"Before I can do anything Sehun captured me in a tight hug." - Nawww, how cute.

Reviewer's Note

Hi, I hope this review has been useful. I'm sorry if it's too lengthy but I felt the need to go into detail because reviewers tend to just state a writer's mistakes but never give them solutions or suggestions. I would appreciate your feedback on my review. Do comment upon picking up your review and if you've got any questions, just hit me up. :)