Author: --SpringJelly

Story Title: Lipstick and Mascara

Genre: Angst

Characters: Oh Sehun (EXO), Nara (OC)

Type: Oneshot

Status: Completed

Before I start, let me first do a brief explanation of who I am as a reviewer. I'm frank and hate sugar-coating my words, but I believe in giving constructive criticism. I will,of course, compliment you when necessary. There are two ways in which I'll be presenting my review - one being the usual kind in which I go through the fundamentals of your story and the other being a commentary, in which you get to view me as a reader. I do hope both forms are helpful to you. You may now proceed.

Title

There isn't anything special about it. There's no oomph and it doesn't draw me in at first sight. Of course, they say to never judge a book by its cover but if you were to look at this site's layout, you'd see that readers aren't really shown much about all stories until they actually click on the title. I can't deny that your title basically speaks for your story for the two items - lipstick and mascara - play a huge part in it. Yes, the title is simplistic and pretty clear cut but that's all it is. If you ever think of changing the title - not that I'm forcing you to since this is, after all, your story - maybe you could put these options into consideration.

1. Washed Out Mascara - Since the story didn't end with a happy ending, this title practically sums that up. At the end of the day, Nara's tears wash out her mascara.

2. Break the Chain - In which Sehun promises to not be 'just like the others' but ends up being exactly that. His actions are the butterfly effect of the chain of events.

3. The Butterfly Effect - This title is self-explanatory but should be put into consideration the last. Because it is overused, such a title has lost its impact. However, it does speak for the story in a better way.

Description

Remember when I told you readers aren't really shown much when they scroll through stories? Well, luckily, they get a preview of the stories' descriptions. It was wise of you to place the quote at the very start because not only would it momentarily stop a reader from scrolling, but it is also effective in adding more meaning into your title. Personally, I gravitate towards stories that revolve around quotes but now you know the kind of crowd you'd be attracting. Before anything, you should always decide on a target audience; be it whether fans of the particular idol you're using or fans of a particular genre or fans of a particular style of writing etc. This makes it easier for you to put forth your story, for you know where you'd like to take it and the kind of attention you'll be receiving. Going back to the quote, there is an error in it so I would just like to point that out.

What you wrote:

"Be a guy who will ruin her lipstick, not her mascara."

What you should've written:

"Be the (**You're referring to a specific guy. 'A' implies that such a guy is common when in fact, the quote is saying the other way around.) guy that ruins her lipstick, not her mascara."

Another thing I'd like to point out is your colour usage. You should stick to the standard black, because:

1. Seeing large texts in any other colour apart from black may throw a reader off

2. A reader might be colour-blind and end up getting all frustrated

3. Texts in black are generally more organised

The rest of your description is what I'd call generic. You may not have used the same words as other angsty stories but they still ride along the same flow. Yes, it still did tug at my heartstrings, but it didn't have the kind of impact one would look for in an angsty piece. Maybe it's because I've read one too many angsty stories that they barely affect me anymore but to me, your description was of moderate impact. I believe it can still be improved to give your readers that pang and make them want more. Apart from that, there are a number of grammatical errors and awkward sentence structures in your description so I shall point them out and show you how your description can be improved.

What you wrote:

Oh Sehun had swore to himself, when he was seven, that when he grew up, he would treat his love like a princess. He had grew up seeing his father abusing his mother and didn't want anyone to be treated like that. He had hated his father greatly and wanted to do anything to protect his mother. So he had made a promise to himself that he would treat his future girlfriend with all his care and love.

Sehun told himself, when he was fourteen, that he would give her all his attention, give her his greatest love, keep her away from danger and protect her like a personal bodyguard. He said to himself that he would never allow a tear to slip down to her cheeks. He would never allow her mascara to be ruined. He would shower her with attention, love, hugs and kisses.

Yet, a few years down the road, Oh Sehun had forgotten about all the promises he had made to himself.

What you should've written:

Oh Sehun had sworn to himself, when he was seven, that when he grew up, he would treat his love like a princess. He had grown up seeing his father abuse his mother and didn't want anyone to be treated like that. He had hated his father greatly and wanted to do anything to protect his mother. So he had made a promise to himself that he would treat his future girlfriend with all his care and love.

Sehun told himself, when he was fourteen, that he would give her all his attention, give her his greatest love, keep her away from danger and protect her like a personal bodyguard. He said to himself that he would never allow a tear to slip down her cheeks. He would never allow her mascara to be ruined. He would shower her with attention, love, hugs and kisses.

Yet, a few years down the road, Oh Sehun had forgotten about all the promises he had made to himself.

What you could've written:

At seven, Oh Sehun swore he'd treat his love like a princess once he was older. He didn't want to turn out like his father - constantly abusing the one he supposedly loved. Even the word 'hate' wouldn't fully cover how he felt towards his father. Despite that, his father served as his reminder to shower his future girlfriend with love and care.

At fourteen, Oh Sehun told himself he'd give her all the attention she deserved and protect her like that of a bodyguard. Not a single tear should fall from her eyes, he said. He was going to give her his everything; his love, his hugs, his kisses.

Years passed and Oh Sehun did all but keep his promises.

Foreword

I like the way you structured your foreword and I see where you're coming from with the intended effect. However, things like these are risky. Ask too many questions and readers would eventually get bored or even get thrown off. However, if you were to compile the questions, it could still work out for you - or even have a stronger impact on the readers.

What you wrote:

"Do you remember the day you confessed to me?"

Yes.

"Do you remember those times we used to share?"

Yes.

"Do you remember the times where you were crying and I was there to comfort you?"

Yes.

"Do you remember how we used to tell each other secrets?"

Yes.

"Do you remember the day we had our first kiss?"

Yes.

"Do you remember how you used to tell me that you love me everyday?"

Yes.

"Do you remember the times we would wake up to each other's presence?" 

Yes.

"Do you miss those times?

Yes.

"Don't you love those times?"

Yes.

"Don't you love me anymore?"

What you could've written:

"Do you remember the day you confessed to me; the day we had our first kiss?"

"Do you remember all those memories we shared; the moments you cried and I was there to comfort you?"

"Do you remember how we'd always share our secrets?"

"Do you remember how you used to tell me that you love me every day; how we'd wake up to each other's presence?"

"Do you miss all those moments; don't you love them?"

Yes.

"Don't you love me anymore?"

Final Chapter

The first thought that came into my head when I clicked on the chapter was, "Wow, the font is small."

You might want to increase the size of your font to at least 14. I don't know how its readability on mobile is but on the computer, I had to squint and get nearer to the screen in order to read it. That aside, I like the opening of the chapter. Openings are generally important in determining whether the reader stays or leaves. Through your opening, readers are able to identify a writer's style of writing as well as somewhat predict whether the story is worth the read. You didn't go with the usual boring start and settled on some action instead. It's good that you're already involving the reader's emotions from the very beginning. Because this is a oneshot, it's harder to form that bond between your readers and the characters but it was a good attempt from you. Next, I shall talk about your plot followed by your character development and then your writing style.

On the topic of your plot, I would say that there's nothing special about it. Nothing about it makes me think, "Hey, this is a little different."

Indeed, this is a oneshot, but by the end of it, I only spent five minutes thrashing about from the lack of a happy ending. Then I was back to my original state. Oneshot or not, give your readers a piece they would never forget. Give them something that would make them return for a second, third or even more reads. You seemed to have been rushing through your plot that none of it looked properly developed. I'm going to continue talking about your plot development but alongside it, I'll be going through your character development.

The other girl - What's her character? Yes, she is just a stranger but you need to take note that every detail matters. How did Sehun manage to kiss her? Was it a pick-up line? Was she just going along with it because she found him good-looking? Was she under the influence of alcohol? What was her reaction when Nara cut their make-out session short? Was she thrown off by their presence? Was she surprised that Sehun already had a girlfriend? Did she walk away? Did she try to pull him back? Did she simply shrug and say, "Oh well, what a waste of a good kisser."

Nara - Her character is there, but not completely. She's vague. Nara is that girl who holds back. She's that girl who prefers to talk rather than to lash out. Nara is that girl who would rather give up rather than to insist on patching up. Nara is that girl who would sacrifice every bit of her happiness for the one she loves. But who is Nara when she's not fully dedicated to her lover? Who is Nara without Sehun?

Oh Sehun - This guy is the most interesting to learn about compared to the other two; simply because his character alters often. It baffles me how one can be so influenced by all that happens in one's life. He changed when his father used to beat up his mother. He changed again when he found out his mother had been cheating on his father. It's as though he doesn't know himself; each one of his decisions is influenced by others. But why only his parents? Why is he not influenced by Nara; the girl who has been there for him from the very start up to the point he screwed up?

Loopholes - How did Sehun find out that his mother had been cheating on his father? Does that make his father's abusive nature justifiable? Were all the years Sehun spent with Nara not enough to convince him that not everyone is the same? Why did he cheat on her? Just so she wouldn't be the first to do it? Does that not make him the same as his mother?

Describe your characters' personalities through their actions, the way they speak and their behaviour. Show, don't tell. If your readers aren't able to understand your characters' personalities, they would never be able to put themselves in their shoes. Thus, your story would be a plot-driven one. Here's some things you should think through the next time you try to shape your characters:

1. Communication Style: How does your character talk? Does your character use a particular phrase a little too often? More often that not, our speech speaks a lot about our personality.

2. History: Where do your characters come from? What are their pasts? How do they turn out the way that are? In Lipstick and Mascara, we all know about Sehun's past. We know why he behaves the way he does. What about Nara? Is her past only a hidden shadow?

3. Bonds: Establish their friendships and relationships. You characters can be easily defined based on the kind of company they hang around with.

4. Flaws: Every one is flawed; everyone should be flawed. So apply that to your characters? What are their bad habits? What about them grinds others' teeth. We know about Sehun's flaws; how he's so paranoid and barely can make a decision without depending on any occurring events, but what about Nara's flaws?

5. Relatability: The more relatable a character is, the more attached a reader would feel. Is your character human enough? Can readers relate to them on a personal level? If not, shape the character until you find the one thing readers would be able to relate to.

6. Restrictions: Just like how Superman has his Kryptonite, what is your character's weakness. What affects your character largely? Humanize your characters.

Now let's talk about your style of writing. The thing about you is, you are clear cut, which is good, but your writing lacks oomph. You tend to avoid descriptions and when you do get descriptive, you're very hesitant to get into the details. It's as though you're afraid being descriptive would make your writing lose its meaning when in truth, it would it way better. Apart from that, you also tend to rely on dialogs a lot because to you, dialogs remove your need to be descriptive. It's not wrong to use this method of writing, because personally I would do that occasionally, but you need to remember that you're writing a story and not a script. Why is being descriptive important? They make the difference between the story being real and the story being sketchy. You have to engage your readers' emotions and senses in order for them to feel present in the scene. If you're afraid of adding description into your paragraphs because you want to avoid making it boring or encouraging your readers to skim-read, do read on for some tips to make that portion less of a bore.

1. Commit to never being boring. You put so much thought and effort into making your dialogues quotable and impactful; it's time you do the same for your descriptions.

2. Engage all 5 senses. Being descriptive isn't all about visual and auditory, but also touch, smell and occasionally taste. Smells help a lot; especially vivid ones. Mentioning the temperature of a room also helps in making it appear as though it's a real place.

3. Be super terse. Descriptions can be vivid without being lengthy. Indeed, less is more.

4. Make it dynamic rather than static. Things change, places change, people change; so use that to your advantage. Provide the evolution of your characters instead of a simple snapshot of them in static form.

5. Project feelings onto an inanimate object. When you're describing a person, you can give him or her some sort of an emotion. However, when you're describing an inanimate object, you just have to describe it - unless you project feelings onto them. A chair might be friendly and a building might look as though it's trying to drive you away. Instead of using detached, factual descriptions of the objects, tell us how they're gritting their teeth at he main character.

6. Give your characters some sort of a reaction. Show how a particular setting or person's appearance affects your character. Maybe your character hates a certain building, maybe a specific smell can make your character nauseous. Whatever it is, vivid description often relies on depicting a strong reaction towards something. Give your characters individualities.

7. Use lesser dialogues. Try taking a heavy dialogue and replacing half of it with actions and descriptions off stuff that convey the same emotion and information. After all, the most exciting part in a scene is often what people don't say, and things like that are usually shown through body language.

I'll apply the above pointers into a portion of your story as examples so you'd be able to get a better idea of where I'm going.

Original Text:

The girl watched as he wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her figure closer to his as they deepened the kiss. He then pressed her against the wall as their tongues continued to swirl with each other's. The girl wrapped her arms around his neck, wanting more of his hot tongue. She then slipped her hands into his soft hair, playing with it. The male slipped one hand under her shirt, rubbing invisible circles on her waist.

Add-Ons:

The girl watched as he wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her figure closer to his so quick it caught her off guard. She squealed but fell back under his trance as they deepened the kiss, releasing moans at an irregular momentum. He pressed her against the wall, their tongues swirling with each other's. Music was blaring in the background, the drunk were bumping into them and they seemed to have gathered an audience who wouldn't stop whistling in encouragement. Yet they paid no attention to their surroundings and for a brief moment, the male looked as though he was having the time of his life. The girl wrapped her arms around his neck, getting more of his hot tongue. A prideful smile that said, "That's right, this one hell of a good-looking guy is making out with me." lingered on her face as she momentarily claimed his as her property. She then slipped her hands into his soft hair, playing with it. In response, the male slipped a hand under her shirt, rubbing invisible circles on her waist.

Lastly, let's talk about your grammar as well as vocabulary. Make it a habit to read through your writing each time you start a new paragraph. Not only does it allow you to add more into your previous paragraphs but it also helps you spot your mistakes. Your main issue would be your tenses and verb forms. You also often have awkward sentence structures, which disrupt the flow of your story. As someone who is a grammar nazi, I often got thrown off by your errors. Grammatical errors downgrade one's writing, especially if those errors are repetitive. Since you're getting beta-reading services from me for your other stories, let me know if you'd like one for this and you'll see what I mean. There aren't any major issues; you just need to go through your work more often as tedious as it is. Next thing is, your choice of words could improve. Read other stories on this site and observe how they phrase their sentences. Of course, you should read more books and pay close attention to the author's vocabulary range. Pick out words and phrases you find useful and jot them down so that you can use them the next time you write. Compare their choice of words with yours. Which have more feel? Which contain more oomph? Reading others' works can actually improve yours so do it often. You don't need to know fancy, big words but if you're continuously using the same words to describe something, it's time for a change.

Commentary

"...rubbing invisible circles on her waist." - Damn, get a room.

"Nara took a sip of her drink..." - How are you so calm

"This wasn't the Oh Sehun she knew." - People change, sweetheart

"We were having fun till you appeared, Nara." - Boy if you don't stop

"...before walking back to the counter, took her purse and slammed the bill on it..." - Did she literally leave her purse there earlier on?

"I just want to say that I'm really sorry for cheating on you and that we're over." - That's it, somebody hold my purse, I'm going to have a go at this guy.

... - *Heart pain*

... - *More heart pain*

... - *Probably dying from heart attack*

"The children..." - Dagnammit now there are children involved *dials for an ambulance*

"...Sehun had already wrapped his arms around her waist..." - *weeps* I want to play at a water fountain too

"He nibbled lightly on her lower lip..." - EXCUSE ME THERE ARE KIDS

... - And the heart pain returns

"Do you still love me?" - I swear if you say no

"I don't." - *Ransacks storage room* *Pulls out a shovel* Ah there you are

"A life without her and a life for his happiness." - That's it, I'm out. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. *Buries myself instead*

"Happy third anniversary, Hun" - DAMN IT. IT WAS THEIR ANNIVERSARY.

Reviewer's Note: I hope you find this review useful in a way or two. I'm sorry if it's too lengthy but I felt the need to go into detail because reviewers tend to just state a writer's mistakes but never give them solutions or suggestions. I would appreciate your feedback on my review. Do comment upon picking up your review and if you've got any questions, just hit me up. :)