CHAPTER 12: HEARTTHROB

I had texted Bin to meet me at 8pm. The evening was already pitch black and there were clouds gathering on the sky as I jumped off the subway and walked up the stairs onto the street, sniffing the fresh air that foreshadowed the rain that was yet to come. I felt my worries and thoughts storming inside both my head and stomach. I almost felt nauseous but at the same time my headache took my mind off my stomach. I sighed as I walked along the street. What should I say? Should I act like nothing was wrong or should I apologize for my earlier behaviour? Why did this have to be so complicated?

I walked down the street, trying to look around for Bin. He had replied shortly, just saying he was eating out with his friends and told the area for me – typical of him to not tell the exact location and leave me wandering around. I tried to look around for an another restaurant, when I finally saw him. He just stepped out of a small restaurant, accompanied by two other people, boys around our age. They didn’t seem to notice me so I made my steps shorter and faster and called out Bin’s name.

His friends were the first ones to notice me and poked Bin who turned to look at me. What surprised me was that he didn’t greet me with his trademark smirk and smile at me playfully, but just kept his face straight and nodded. As I walked to them, the other one of his friends turned to look at him curiously.

“Who is this?” he asked. “Girlfriend?”

Bin sighed. “She’s the one I’m supposed to meet.”

“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” the other boy asked.

Bin’s eyes wandered to his shoes and he looked a bit frustrated. I looked at the boys for a second before deciding to take the lead myself and smiled at them. “I’m Ryu Minji! Nice to meet you.”

“I’m Kim Myungjun, and this is Park Jinwoo”, the shorter boy with dark brown hair and somewhat mischievous face introduced himself and nodded at the blond haired boy next to him. He smiled and nodded his head as a greeting. “So you’re his classmate? We’re already attending university, both majoring in international business and marketing.”

So they were actually older than us. I nodded at them and glanced at Bin who still just stood in his place, looking very serious. The boy called Myungjun seemed to notice the awkward, tense atmosphere too and slowly put his hand around Jinwoo’s shoulder.

“I guess you have something to discuss”, he said. “We’ll make our leave. See you!”

And then they walked away and left me and Bin standing on the street alone. I realized Bin had decided to raise his eyes from the ground and was now giving me a serious, intense stare. Now it was my turn to look down. I hadn’t felt this awkward around him in a while. Like, even in the mountains at least one of us was speaking all the time. Now it was just silence and staring. I would have become insane if I hadn’t opened my mouth to break the silence.

“Did you enjoy your meal…?” I asked quietly, still not able to look at him.

“No”, he replied right away. “I haven’t been able to eat anything since lunch.”

I blinked my eyes and swallowed a sigh that was about to slide out from behind my lips. I really didn’t know what would be appropriate to say

“Let’s go somewhere more quiet – “

I guess my words triggered a reflex for Bin to grab my wrist and walk me down the street, pulling me into an empty alley that didn’t even have any lightning. It would have been pitch black if the lights from the street didn’t reach the alley. He let go of my wrist and even in the dark I could see him staring right into my eyes.

“Do you have any idea how I felt?” he asked, probably unintentionally spitting the words out like curses. I was unable to open my mouth to defend myself or apologize so I just looked at my feet. “You ran away from me. You were afraid of me. You can’t imagine how bad I felt.”

I frowned and let out a desperate sigh. I knew what I did was ridiculous. I was upset and terrified, I just needed to get home and tell everything to Eunwoo and my aunt. I didn’t exactly think. But anyhow, I ended up hurting Bin while doing so. I felt so stupid I wanted to cry. I slowly raised my eyes from the ground and met his eyes.

“I’m sorry”, was all that I could say. I had so much to say but I just couldn’t form any rational sentences. I could just stare into his eyes and try to relay my apologies to him as well as I could.

“I was so worried”, he burst out. “You ran away. I didn’t know where you went to. Nobody knew where you were.”

I took a small, careful step towards him. I had to open my mouth, I needed to apologize properly and explain the situation. For 's sake just do it, I thought in my head.

“Can you please forgive me?” I whispered. “I know you feel bad. I know. I was upset. And I'm not afraid of you.”

He let out a very quiet snort and took a step closer to me. I cursed in my head as I understood my natural reaction was to take a step backwards. I saw a dangerous glint in Bin’s eyes. He took another step, then two, and three. And with every step I found myself backing away from him. I wasn’t afraid of him, no. That wasn’t the right word. I did it because I felt guilty and nervous. I had no idea what he was up to, but I could see his intense stare in the dim lightning that travelled to the alley from the busy street next to it. He didn’t even blink as he slowly approached me, and I was captivated by his eyes, not able to look anywhere else.

“You’re not afraid of me?” he asked and I could hear the sarcasm in his voice. “It doesn’t look like that.”

“I’m really not”, I replied quietly, trying to stop backing away but each time his face drew closer to mine, I couldn’t just stand still. “I know you’d never hurt me.”

I thought my words would stop him, but he kept on walking towards me. I, anyhow, had to stop as I felt my back hit the brick wall. The feeling of my back pressing against the cold wall activated a flashback in my head, reminding me of the time Bin saved me from the molester on an alley like this, and I felt cold shivers traveling down my spine. I almost gasped as I realized Bin still hadn’t stopped approaching me, and he slowly leaned closer to me, resting his hand against the brick wall right above my head. My mind started going blank and I cursed in my head. I did not come here to do this. I came here to have a serious talk with Bin and ask for his help. This kind of actions didn’t help at all!

“Why did it become so messy?” he whispered. I felt his hot breath on my face, and it felt almost nice since the weather had been getting colder lately. “Just when I thought we had gotten closer.”

His words made the butterflies in my stomach awake and go crazy. Oh no, like I wasn’t dealing with enough problems already. I raised my eyes from the ground to look into his eyes. It wasn’t very hard, anyhow, as his face was just inches away from mine. I couldn’t prevent my eyes from wandering down to his lips. This situation reminded me of the night we spent in the guesthouse. We had never been this close to each other expect that night.

“So”, I said quietly, clearing my throat. “Are you forgiving me or not?”

He sighed, looking away from me momentarily, and I was fearing for the worst for a short moment, but then he turned back and looked into my eyes. There it was. His trademark smirk. “How could I not forgive you?”

I let out a relieved sigh. “I thought you were super angry.”

“I could never be angry at you, Minji”, he said, flashing me a mischievous smile. “Just promise to not run away from me like that again.”

I snorted. “Well I might run away if you start making this a habit, backing me against walls or – “, I felt the rosy red colour rising onto my cheeks as I realized I was about to say ‘beds’. I gulped and just blinked, not being able to look into Bin’s eyes.

“Oh but I can’t help it”, he said quietly. I flinched as I realized his face was slowly starting to approach mine even more. My eyes widened without my control and I just stared at Bin, whose head was slightly tinted and he drew closer to me with half-lidded eyes. I held my breath, not sure if he was just playing with me again or If he was actually going to do it – kiss me. As he was close enough for me to just pucker my lips for us to kiss, I felt my eyes slowly shutting down as a reflex. I felt his hot breath against my skin and my knees went weak from the butterflies storming around my stomach. Then I heard him whispering something into my ear. The words made my eyes open slowly and I could just stare blankly in front of me, letting my fists that were raised to my chest, relax and fall down on my sides. I was sure my knees would betray me anytime.

“I guess I like you.”

There he went again with the guessing game. How could I ever trust him 100% when he always added ‘I guess’ to everything he said? He always guessed he was sorry and now he guessed he liked me. Still, his words got me. My mind was still blank; I couldn’t really take in what I just heard. Had he really just confessed to me? Really? The situation seemed unreal. Well, even a fool could see there was something sparking between us, but just a short while ago he had assured me that he disliked me dearly and wanted me to not bother him. I slowly raised my eyes to look at him. His face was still too close to mine so focusing just on his eyes was difficult.

“I think – what?” Great. I was about to say something rational but then I just ruined it.

Bin smirked. “Do you want to hear it again?”

“No!” I replied quickly, unintentionally sounding a little bit hasty. I sighed and closed my eyes. “I mean... You don’t need to say it again.”

He smiled. “I guess I’m not hearing your response today.”

I looked into his eyes again, biting my lip a little bit. Maybe in some other situation I would have said something immediately. But right now I was emotionally unstable because of all the stress, fear and now his confession. I didn’t want to talk about this when I wasn’t in my right mind to prevent any mistakes. Last time I was this shaken around him I pushed him away and ran from him. I felt my face turning into a frown without my control.

“I guess you had something to talk me with”, he said and finally put his hand down from the wall, backing away and letting me stand comfortably. I took a deep breath as the butterflies started calming down in my stomach.

“It’s not exactly a comfortable thing to talk about”, I sighed.

“I’m used to uncomfortable things”, Bin replied. “I already guess it’s about my dad.”

I nodded, looking down quickly. “What do you think about the situation?”

“Honestly?” he asked. “I’ll reveal something big. He’s not my biological dad.”

My look travelled up to his eyes and I felt my eyebrows raising a bit. This was something I didn’t expect.

“I’m adopted”, he stated, not making a big fuss about it. “And to be honest, I hate him.”

My eyes widened at the sudden harsh words. I really had believed with all my heart Bin and his dad were just as related as possible – they even had mutual features. This was totally a shocking revelation. But even if Bin was adopted and stating he hated his dad, it didn’t mean he’d actually be ready to betray him. Even just thinking of asking about that made me feel bad. Still, it had to be done if I wanted to help my aunt and reveal Mr. Moon’s crimes. We needed some documentation, proof, about his underground connections, and to be honest, the only person who could help with that was Bin. I shut my eyes tightly, took a deep breath and gathered all of my courage.

“But do you hate him enough to send him behind bars?”

A silence fell to the avenue and I had to open my eyes to look at Bin to see if he was even there. His expression was actually quite wistful. For a while I just stared at his face, following carefully as his expressions changed from wistful to bittersweet and amused and then back to sad.

“Even if he’s a monster… he still is my dad, at least kind of”, he said and then smiled at me. “I’m sorry but I need to think about this. I don’t want to be too hasty with something that will change my life completely.”

Of course. I understood him. I didn’t exactly know his and his father’s relationship but I did know that even a bad father is a father, related with blood or not. This wasn’t an easy thing to ask for and for sure not an easy thing to answer. The only worry I had was the fact that my aunt wouldn’t be safe home forever if she didn’t go to work. Someone would probably come looking for her soon. I couldn’t let Bin take too long.

I nodded at him. “I’m not asking for you to answer me right away. Think about it.” After saying that I was about to walk away from the alley, but Bin grabbed my wrist gently, surprising me. I turned back at him.

“I think the decision would be easier if you saw it yourself”, he said. “Do you have anything planned tomorrow?”

I blinked my eyes. I would visit his house? It sounded almost scary – and dangerous. His father would recognize me right away and become suspicious. But then again, if I went to the house and tried to act naturally maybe he’d think I had no idea about the situation.

“I... I’m free tomorrow”, I said, looking up at him.

“It’s a deal then”, he smiled at me. “Let’s go immediately after school.”

I nodded. “Alright.”

He replied by nodding back at me and flashed his typical, cocky smile, although I could see throw his brave acting; in reality he was probably freaking out internally. I sighed and gently patted his arm with my free hand. His fingers were still wrapped around my wrist and as he realized that, he quickly let go of me. I couldn’t hold back a small smile. That was unexpectedly shy behaviour from him.

“I guess we’ll see tomorrow”, he said. “You should go home and rest.”

“Yes…” I replied. “I guess so too.” This guessing might really become a thing, I thought in my head. It had been going on since I started attending the school!

We walked back to the street together but then continued on our separate ways, me heading to the subway and Bin apparently to the bus stop. As I sat down in the almost empty subway, I felt somewhat relieved. I had managed pretty well. I had reconciled with Bin and if I was to be lucky, he’d be able to help my little family out of a big mess. But I still had some problems left to I felt both nervousness and excitement bowling in my body.  I felt my heart thumping as I thought about Bin and his confession. Honestly, I’d have never imagined he’d actually say those words to me, and definitely not this directly.

But I really needed to sort out my feelings before going and responding to him. There were too many feelings mixing inside me, and most of these feelings were in complete contrast with each other, complete opposites. I felt flustered and nervous, scared and doubtful, sad even. Even if I felt like I felt the same way as Bin did, I really needed to be emotionally stable to say those words. I raised my hand to rest on my chest. I could almost feel the crazy heartbeat even through the denim jacket I was wearing. I wanted to calm down and be able to think clearly.

Let’s fight through this, Minji. After all this is over you can go around liking boys. Right now it’ll just mess up things even more.