A/N: All right! Chapter one is finally up! So in general Don't Say Goodbye is going to be a bit less angsty with some more fluff thrown in (yay!) --but it doesn't mean there won't be conflict and drama! So don't get too frustrated by this chapter. Remember--many of you petitioned for Jaejoong to be stronger! lol ^_^ Anyway--hope you enjoy! 

April 2015 – Paju-si

Jaejoong lay in his bunk at the first division training center barrack. It was dark—lights out. He should have been sleeping, but it was hard when he had so much on his mind.

He’d gotten used to a soldier’s schedule after his first several weeks of basic training, it had been refreshing to have a set time for a full eight hours of sleep. He’d been able to rejuvenate himself after weeks of mental strain and running himself ragged before his enlistment. But this night was different for one frustrating reason: he had gotten a letter from Jung Yunho.

At one point, he had thought all their drama was in the past, that they were on separate paths moving different directions, unlikely to meet very often (if at all). But the last year and a half had not gone at all like he’d expected. Yunho had persistently and deliberately re-opened Pandora’s box, letting all the skeletons inside spill out across the floor.

This letter was just another frustrating, heartbreaking chapter of their seemingly never ending saga. And it wasn’t the other man’s only attempt at winning Jaejoong back either. That had started long before—though he’d thought everything was really over after the intense fight they’d had right before Jaejoong’s enlistment.

Again he’d been devastated, and knew that was why he needed to stay away from the man. Every time he gave in to him he ended up getting burned. Yet he seemed to make the same mistakes over and over.

And now, despite having once again ended things, this letter still came like a punch to the gut. At first, he hadn’t been sure who it was from—he didn’t recognize the return address, though the handwriting seemed somewhat familiar. When he opened it things were all too clear; it was from Yunho.

The letter was fairly short and to the point, but the contents made his heart pound and his mind swim with confusion. It read:

Jaejoong-ah,

I know you’re probably still upset. You said we’d never be able to make things work. But I’m not giving up. I refuse to believe you came into my life not to stay by my side.

I need you.

In a couple months I’m going to be enlisting, and once I finish basic training I’m going to find you. Wait for me. Don’t give up.

—The friend who loves you dearly   xoxo

Jaejoong could hardly believe it. The man was too much.  Since reading it, he’d been jittery and anxious, unable to get the letter out of his head and doing everything in his power to distract himself. Now he lay awake contemplating; it was already well into the night hours. He’d have a hard time functioning in the morning.  

What was he was going to do?  He’d told himself he wasn’t going to let it get to him, he was a soldier now, he had other hurdles to overcome; but still here he was, thinking about it. Thinking about Yunho. He’d honestly thought things were put to rest after that night they’d spent together almost two years before—thought that the story was over (so foolish).

How could he have known he’d be so wrong? He could remember the first time Yunho had shown back up in his life, making his intentions clear, as if it were yesterday.

Kim Jaejoong felt like he was always remembering…

****

August 2013 – Seoul

Things were good. Better than they’d been in awhile.

Jaejoong was drinking less, was sleeping better and writing more. He was also starting to record his first full-length solo album. Since May he’d written a slew of songs. It was like a purge, like all the intense feelings he’d been holding onto since the break from TVXQ all those years ago—his break from Yunho—were finally able to work their way out of his system.

He was sure this newfound release was because of what happened between them. The night that he’d spent with his former lover three months ago had been like a balm, a healing experience for the both of them. And then the music had just poured out of him, bled from his hands onto the piano, into words written in ink.

He felt really good about what they’d recorded already. He thought this album was going to be more dynamic than his first EP. There were more up-tempo pop/rock songs and he’d recorded a couple ballads that he really put all of himself into. Much of it was inspired by Yunho. His first love—those intense feelings—had left a huge impact on him.

Jaejoong meant what he’d said when they’d been together last—he loved him and he probably always would, but it was time to put it behind them. He felt like this time he really could, like he’d found some semblance of peace after years of sorrow and regret.

Life was pretty good for Kim Jaejoong. JYJ had just finished another series of fan meetings, Membership Week as they’d dubbed it, and he was always so amazed and thankful that the fans still loved and supported them even though they hadn’t released a new album since 2011. They’d also been selected to do a song for the Incheon Asia Games in 2014 and were getting ready to record and film a music video.

Things were going well for all of them—finally it felt like the rough patch was over.

So it came as a bit of a surprise when he saw his phone light up with Yunho’s number calling. The three JYJ members were in the recording studio, working on the song they’d been given for the Asia Games, Only One. Junsu was doing his part in the recording booth and Jaejoong and Yoochun had been outside, reviewing their own lines and the lyrics. His phone was on the coffee table in front of him and adjacent to Yoochun. When he saw it light up and start to vibrate against the glass, his heart jumped up into his throat.

He grabbed it quickly and glanced at Yoochun to make sure he hadn’t noticed. He was busy studying his phrasing since he was up next. Jaejoong took his chance and slipped out into the hall where it was a bit quieter.

The phone stopped ringing. He stared down at it suddenly unsure; was he supposed to call him back? Did he text him something, or just ignore it? And then, as if an answer to his troubles, his hand phone started ringing again, lighting up in his hand. Yunho was calling back.

What did this mean?

Jaejoong had a sudden icy spike of fear in the pit of his stomach. What if something was wrong? Did he need help? He picked up quickly, worry bulldozing through any reservations he had.

“Yunho—what’s wrong? Are you ok?”

There was a chuckle from over the line.

“Were you worried about me, Kim Jaejoong?” His voice had a playful edge and suddenly the idol’s concern was replaced by frustrated embarrassment.

“Well I haven’t heard from you in a while and then you call twice, back to back…”

It was true. This was the first time they’d spoken on the phone since that day in May when they’d fought, then ed (twice), then come to some kind of peace with each other. Yunho had texted him a few times casually, but he hadn’t heard the man’s voice in three months. He supposed that was still a step up from three years.

“I told you not to be a stranger and then I disappear for a while. I’m sorry.” His words still had a kind of playful lilt and Jaejoong couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’m sure you’ve been busy.”

He could understand. It was hard keeping up with friends when your schedule’s all over the place. A couple times Jaejoong had resorted to inviting a friend or two along with him for the day; it seemed like the only time he had to socialize other than late at night was between appearances and backstage in green rooms. He supposed that’s why it had been so convenient to date his own band member.

“We just finished our tour in Japan; I got back to Seoul yesterday.” Yunho brought him back to the present.

“The finale was great—so many people came out…,” his voice got lower, as if he were sharing a secret. “I wish you could have been there.”

Jaejoong’s stomach did a nervous flip. He wasn’t used to hearing that kind of thing from him, not these days anyway. He took a deep breath, calming himself, attempting to take control of the conversation.

“So what’s up? I was kind of surprised when I saw you were calling.”

“I just wanted to hear your voice. I was thinking about you all through the last part of the tour.”

Jaejoong gave a nervous laugh. Is this how Yunho did friendship these days?

“You know if you ever want to hear my voice, you can just play one of my songs. That’s the novelty of being a recording artist.”

That infectious chuckle came over the line again. “You don’t have to tell me. I’ve been listening to your album a lot. I’m a big fan.”

Jaejoong felt a blush spread across his face; he couldn’t help but grin.

“I’m honored. The great leader of Dong Bang Shin Ki is a fan of little ol’ me?”

That made them both laugh and they fell into a comfortable momentary silence. Then—

“Do you want to get something to eat?”

Another jolt shot through him and Jaejoong started noticing the frustrating coils of arousal slipping their way up his limbs.

“Dinner?”

“Yeah, to make up for last time. I still feel really guilty about standing you up.”

“Well…” Jaejoong’s pulse had sped up and he couldn’t help but think this was a bad idea.

“It doesn’t have to be anything fancy! Just a relaxed night out. To catch up.”

He smiled again, suddenly amused that they could do this now. Was everything really ok between them? Was it really possible just to go out and have a good time and then part ways? Like normal friends?

He looked at the clock. It was a little past 4:00pm. He still had a few hours of recording ahead of him. 

“I probably won’t be done here until later tonight. Maybe like 8 or so? We could do something after that.”

“That’s fine. We can grab a late dinner. I’ll text you where to meet me. And I promise I won’t back out last minute.”

“Ok…” Jaejoong was still a bit hesitant.

“Remember—it’s just a relaxed dinner. No big deal.”

“Right. Ok. See you later.” Jaejoong hung up, shaking his head in wonder.

No big deal. He couldn’t totally believe this was how things were between them now. His relationship with Yunho, and its subsequent fall out, had been one of the most powerful and eventually traumatic experiences of his life. No big deal.

He went back into the recording studio. Junsu was still working with the producer; Jaejoong took his place by Yoochun. His friend’s sunglasses slipped off his head where he’d had them propped and he folded them, hanging the designer lenses from his grey tee shirt. He took notice of his hyung when he plopped back down on the leather couch.

“Is everything ok?”

Jaejoong nodded, doing his best to remain casual. He found the lyrics to Only One very interesting suddenly. Yoochun didn’t seem satisfied.

“You rushed out of here like your house was on fire.”

“Did I?” He asked innocently.

“Who called?”

Jaejoong looked up at his younger friend—damn he was nosey. He was like a hound dog for all things Yunho related.

“It was my mom. She hasn’t been feeing well this week. But she’s ok.”

Yoochun gave him a probing look and then focused back on his music sheets.

“I’m glad she’s feeling better.”

Jaejoong let out the breath he’d been holding; he wasn’t sure he liked lying about who really called, but he hadn’t actually told Yoochun or Junsu what had happened between him and their former band mate. He’d felt it was too private, too personal somehow to talk about directly, even if it was with his brothers. Not to mention he’d thought it was an isolated incident, or at least that he wouldn’t be seeing his old love again for a long time. But now they were going out? What this going to become a habit? Or was it another isolated event?

Maybe this was like the death rattle of their complicated connection. Their last encounter had been too intense (like flying too close to the sun); maybe now they needed to see each other one more time (no big deal!) to ease out of it and finally put it to bed. Surely that’s was what this was. Then maybe they could start planning a time for all five of them to have a proper reunion.

The rest of JYJ’s day in the recording studio went pretty well. They all laid down their main tracks. Tomorrow would be focused on backing tracks and harmonies and then they’d be done and could prep for the music video, which would surely be fun—they hadn’t done a video together since Get Out (Junsu had been the only one in the In Heaven video).

Around 6:30pm Yunho texted him an address with the message:

Come casual.

He didn’t recognize the place; Yunho didn’t text him the name, just 106-16 Cheongdam-dong.

Jaejoong knew that area of Gangnam well, but he looked it up on the map just to double check—still it didn’t show a restaurant name. Was this a real place? It looked like it was really close to his old stomping grounds though. Yunho was probably too lazy to venture far from home after getting back from a Japanese tour—Jaejoong was actually surprised he called him so quickly after his return, he knew touring could be so draining.

“I just wanted to hear your voice…”

The words danced through his mind. What was Yunho playing at? Jaejoong wasn’t so sure. But whatever the case he headed blindly forward, marching into what, for all he knew, could have been his death. Or his salvation—who could say?

He decided to call a taxi since he didn’t feel like taking one of his cars out—that might attract attention from the gaggle of fans who did their best to follow him everywhere he went. It wasn’t too far to get to Cheongdam from his own place either. Since he was feeling kind of light and easy-going, he decided to get off a couple blocks early and walk in search of the address Yunho had sent. This particular section of the city was never that active at night, at least not with the kind of people who would care about his presence either way, so he was able to walk fairly comfortably (though still with a knit hat over his hair and large sunglasses covering a portion of his face).

It was unseasonably cool that evening—a nice break from the humidity of late summer—and people walked casually on the streets, heading to destinations unknown. Jaejoong always enjoyed people watching, there was something fascinating about observing people as a silent outsider. Often times they didn’t even know eyes were on them, speculating about their life, their story. It was nice being the one observing—he spent so much of his time with eyes on him.

When he reached the restaurant, he could have fallen over laughing. He knew this place well, but had never known the exact address. This was the boodae jjigae shop he and Yunho frequented when they were still trainees—he’d almost forgotten. He was surprised it was still in business; it had been almost ten years since he’d been back. 

The flabbergasted pop idol walked through the front door and noticed there were only a smattering of people around the small, humble eatery. A couple younger kids sat chatting and slurping casually at their bowls of hearty soup (were these trainees?) and an older man sat near the window at the front, drinking soju and snacking on pajeon.

And there, in the back corner, sat Yunho. He had a Hanshin Tiger’s cap low over his eyes and was hunched forward looking intently at his phone, but Jaejoong would have recognized him anywhere. He couldn’t help but grin at the sight of him; he thought this real version of Yunho (untouched by makeup and styling) was his favorite. This was when the real person shone through, the person he’d met so long ago and come to love so fiercely.

Yunho looked up suddenly, spotting him at the entrance and smiling brightly. He stood, waving Jaejoong over to join him.

The singer moved closer, and when he saw him standing there—big friendly grin plastered across his face—he had the momentary urge to take the larger man in his arms and hug him tightly. But instead he just took a seat across from him, taking off his sunglasses as Yunho sat back down.

“Hey,” the TVXQ leader said softly, eyes twinkling. He looked so bright and pleased to see him, Jaejoong couldn’t help the warmth from spreading through his body, as if he’d had a shot of alcohol.

Maybe he would always react to Yunho this way; it had been like that as long as he could remember. From their earliest acquaintance he had gotten a warm, fuzzy feeling just be being near him.

“Well this is a blast from the past,” Jaejoong stated, leaning back in his seat to cross his legs and look around the shop—it hadn’t changed much. Again, he wondered how this place stayed afloat.

“I thought it might be nice to come back to one of our old haunts.”

“I feel like Heechul’s going to pop out from the kitchen and sneak us leftovers.”

“Not before giving us an earful!”

Jaejoong snickered, thinking back. “He always threatened to stop feeding us for free.”

“Yup. It was always ‘the last time’.”

“But then he’d give in. It was almost too predictable.”

“I think Heechul hyung is really a softy deep down though,” the inherently good natured man defended his label mate.

“Sure,” Jaejoong sniffed, raising and eyebrow. “That, and at the time he had the hots for you.”

Yunho laughed brightly. “Well I supposed there was that too.”

He snorted again, as if lost in humorous memories and then beamed at Jaejoong.

“I really like this. Sitting here with you. Laughing and joking. You have no idea how much I’ve missed it.”

Jaejoong was struck by his words. Something about this seemed a little surreal—the way Yunho was looking at him, his warm, smiling air—it was as if there had never been bad blood between them. He seemed very much at ease and content. So why did Jaejoong still get a little nervous and shy around Jung Yunho? Why did he still feel the pangs of attraction, when Yunho seemed so unbothered?

Jaejoong attempted to clear his mind—he tried his best to just relax and enjoy their outing. It seemed like Yunho was making a sincere attempt at remaining friendly and he appreciated the effort.

They ordered two large portions of the much-loved junk food from their youth and two bottles of soju.

“I can’t get too crazy tonight,” Jaejoong warned as the shop ahjummah brought out the drinks and two shot glasses. “I’ve got to be back in the studio fairly early.”

“Sure, sure. We’ll just have a couple drinks.”

They decided to order a round of beer as well.

As they drank and slurped happily at the spicy, steaming soup, Jaejoong did feel himself begin to relax. For the first time in a long time he thought that maybe it was possible to keep up a friendly relationship with this man. He didn’t know why he was so surprised; they’d always gotten along well, since the very first time they met. They were best friends before they were ever lovers after all.

Once they’d crossed that boundary though, once they’d stepped into the realm of the physical, it had been hard for Jaejoong to separate his feelings. When he looked at Yunho, it never took long for his brain to shut off and his desire to build. He supposed they’d been almost too compatible as lovers. No one had ever made him feel the way Yunho had; he’d had the most intense ual experiences of his life at this man’s touch. No one else knew his body they way Yunho did either—they’d discovered together after all. For all he knew his body had been forever tuned to Yunho’s liking.

Now though—as they ate and talked about the ins and outs of their week, drinking and laughing over different everyday frustrations—he felt he was truly just enjoying his company, without the heaviness of ual expectation hanging overhead. Sometimes it was so easy to remember and focus on the intense emotions they’d shared, and all the little moments, the laughs, the excited conversations, the camaraderie and support went forgotten. Even before they were romantically involved, Yunho had been one of his favorite people in the world, so what was stopping him from reclaiming that title? Surely that would be the true mark that all their scars from the past had healed.

“So you said you were in the studio—what are you working on? A new EP?” Yunho brought the conversation back to work.

Jaejoong poured them both another shot of soju and they quickly clinked glasses before knocking them back.

“No. JYJ were actually asked to do a song for the Asia Games.”

“Oh, very cool!” Yunho exclaimed, leaning forward. This time he refilled their glasses and they did another shot. “Congratulations.”

“Yeah, it’s nice. We haven’t released something all together in a while. Junsu just did his second full solo album though, can you believe it?”

“I saw that! And I’m majorly impressed.”

Jaejoong shook his head in wonderment at the thought of his talented younger brother.

“He’s a singing and dancing machine.”

“And what about you?” Yunho shifted focus back to the former lead singer of TVXQ. “Do you have anything in the works?”

“What, my EP isn’t enough for my fan? You need more?”

“You saw right through me.”

Yunho laughed brightly and Jaejoong smirked. He still thought Yunho’s laughter was one of the sweetest sounds in the world; the way his eyes got real small when he was truly ticked, his smile showing off perfectly straight teeth.

Jaejoong had a sudden flash of the crooked smile Yunho had when they weren’t much more than kids, and felt his heart grow warm.

“It’s funny you should ask if I’m working on anything—I have actually been prepping to record a full length album.”

“A full solo album? That’s amazing!” He gave Jaejoong a little round of applause and the “solo” artist did a tiny bow, chuckling.

Jaejoong sighed and took in the man across from him. He seemed genuinely sincere in his pleasure about the former lead singer’s upcoming album. He took a quick slurp of the noodles remaining in his bowl, chewing thoughtfully.

“I think it’s going to be good. I’ve been doing a lot of writing since we saw each other last.”

“I can’t wait to hear it.”

Jaejoong looked up suddenly and their eyes met. Yunho let out a comfortable sigh, never breaking their connection. He felt his heart flutter. Who was he trying to fool? It didn’t matter how friendly, how seemingly casual—it always came back to this, to some look, some word that made his pulse begin to race and his desire return, that never ending longing to touch him and be touched by him, to kiss him and whisper words of love. He couldn’t ignore it.

He suddenly felt like it was time to wrap this up. They finished their food and drinks and then Yunho stood to pay.

“My treat,” he tossed over his shoulder as he moved to the front, pulling out his wallet.

“What? No, let me pay,” Jaejoong moved to follow clumsily, knocking the table with his knee as he stood, making a loud clatter.

Yunho just laughed and gave the woman running the shop cash.

“Too slow!” he exclaimed.

Jaejoong hit him playfully on the arm and they both grinned at one another.

“Do you want to take a walk to help our food go down?” Yunho suggested.

Jaejoong looked at the time: it was well after 10pm—they’d been at the restaurant drinking for a while. And though he’d just been thinking it was time to call it a night he couldn’t help but be tempted by Yunho’s offer. A walk in the summer night, taking in some fresh air? It was definitely late enough that they should be okay.

He agreed and they headed out, Yunho pulling his cap a bit lower, Jaejoong putting his sunglasses back on (he’d grown accustomed to seeing the world through the darkness of his shaded glasses, even hours after the sun had set). They moved quickly off the main thoroughfare and took the side streets. The sound of cicadas was thick in the August night, but other than that things were fairly quiet.

Again Jaejoong felt comfortable next to Yunho, soothed by the city streets and the night time sounds. The fact that his attraction had ups and downs like a rollercoaster was a bit disconcerting, but he was glad he could get back to a healthy baseline—several years ago that had been a near impossibility.

“So what are your plans now that you finished up the tour?” Jaejoong asked as they walked along, side by side.

Yunho looked up at the sky, his hands in his pockets. He smiled faintly.

“I think I might take a couple days and visit my parents. It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen them.”

“Mmm…that’ll be nice. It’s always refreshing to spend time at home with family.”

“Want to come with me?”

Jaejoong gave Yunho a sharp look and then laughed. “I’ve got too much in my schedule right now.”

Yunho chuckled. “I know. I just thought I’d offer it.”

“Not to mention, the last five years or so I think your parents really disliked me.”

“What? No way.”

Jaejoong nodded, insisting. “I think they felt I was a bad influence on you.”

“Bad influence?” Yunho couldn’t help but laugh.

“And then of course after the law suits, I’m sure I went even lower on their list.”

Yunho was silent, then abruptly stopped walking. Jaejoong turned surprised and saw Yunho looking off to his right. Jaejoong’s eyes followed the direction of his gaze and suddenly realized where they were: Yongsan park—his and Yunho’s spot from so long ago. How had he not realized they’d been making their way in that direction? It’s like he’d totally spaced out.

Yunho gestured to the park with his head, grinning a bit bashfully.

“Want to take a lap around?”

Jaejoong shrugged. Really, what could it hurt? They moved into the city park; it was always quiet at night, that had been one of the reasons they came here when they were younger.

Again Jaejoong felt that surreal feeling slip over him like a fog. Was this real life? Or was it just a dream, the kind of dream he’d had repeatedly since they’d split up, the type of dream he’d recently thought he’d moved beyond? No, this was all too real. It was 2013 and he and Yunho were taking a stroll through the park that held so many memories from their youth. And they were what? Friends?

“Jaejoong-ah! Look, the playground.”

He turned to the other man and for a minute he saw an 18 year old Yunho, his face a little chubby with baby fat, his hair shaggy and spikey, his smile crooked and adorable—and then it was gone. This was 28 year old Yunho, his face more masculine and angular, his hair hidden under a cap so as not to draw attention.

Jaejoong’s pulse was racing—being here with him was too much. And now they were at the playground? Yunho moved towards the swings. He sat down on one and swung idly back and forth, then beckoned for Jaejoong to join him with his hand.

“Come here. Sit with me.”

Jaejoong walked slowly towards the other man and took a seat on the swing to his right. He took off his sunglasses, folding them in the collar of his shirt. Had this been the exact spot where they’d sat all those years before?

“Do you remember the last time we were on these swings?” Yunho asked, as if voicing Jaejoong’s own thoughts.

The JYJ member turned to look his way and saw Yunho had locked his gaze on him, eyes like shining stars in the night sky. Jaejoong swallowed hard, unable to speak. He felt like he’d returned to that shy, inexperienced young man he’d been so long ago; full of desire for his closest friend but unsure what to do or how to react to any kind of advance.  

“I can remember it like it was yesterday,” Yunho continued without missing a beat. “Kissing you for the first time. I couldn’t stop myself—even then I was in love with you and just didn’t know what to call it.”

The larger man kicked off against the ground (the sand had been replaced by a spongy, kid-friendly rubber surface) and swung back and forth a couple times.

“For a long time I felt like that moment had been a big mistake. But I think that was just the bitterness talking. Now…” He trailed off as he slowed to a stop.

Jaejoong watched and listened in frozen anticipation. Now what? He thought, still unable to get his mouth to work.

Again Yunho tuned to look at the ever-beautiful singer, holding him in his gaze like a caress.

“Now I think it was one of the best decisions of my life.”

Jaejoong’s chest tightened—that old pain suddenly present and poignant, like a re-opened wound. He broke his eyes away, looking out at the quiet park around them, feeling tears begin to build at the back of his eyes.

“I have a hard time seeing it that way. When it lead to so much hardship. And heartbreak…”

“No.” Yunho was up out of his swing suddenly, dropping down on one knee before Jaejoong. “It was all worth it. Even the painful stuff—worth it.”

He wrapped long, graceful fingers around one of the swing’s chains, pulling the seated man intimately close.

“Given the chance to live that one moment over and over I’d always choose to kiss you. No matter the outcome.”

Jaejoong felt his breath catch in his throat. “Yunho, what are you doing?”

“You remember the promise you made me in May?”

Jaejoong swallowed hard. Yunho had told him he loved him and asked that Jaejoong never forget no matter where they ended up.

He nodded; Yes. He remembered.

Yunho ran his free hand up Jaejoong’s right leg, stopping just above his knee and massaging gently. His heart sped up as he began to grow hard.

“What are we doing, Jaejoong-ah?”

The man on the swing furrowed his brow in confusion. “I don’t know, that’s what I asked you.”

“We love each other, don’t we? So why are we trying so hard to stay apart?”

Jaejoong felt too hot suddenly, like he was being smothered, like he couldn’t breathe. He stood, startling Yunho who faltered slightly from his crouching position, and stepped away from the swings, turning again to the view of the park as if it might have some kind of answer for him, some suggestion for what he should do.

“I love you Jaejoong. I realized after last time that I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep living without you.”

He looked back at Yunho; he had moved close once more, eyes wide and bright with emotion.

“Yunho-yah…I thought we’d agreed it was time to move on, to look into the future…”

“That’s what I’m doing! I am moving on. But I won’t leave you behind. We can create a future together.”

Jaejoong laughed sharply, feeling off-kilter, as if the rubber playground surface beneath him had tilted on its axis.

“We can’t though. You know it. I know it. There’s no way for us to be together. It’s too hard. Loving each other isn’t enough.”

Yunho frowned, looking Jaejoong up and down as if he didn’t recognize him.

“What’s happened to you? You were always a fighter, you always stood up for what we had. And now you’ve already thrown in the towel? Given up before even giving us a chance?”

He took a step closer, eyes boring into him as if he were seeing straight through him.

“I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. I will never love anyone like I do you. I know you feel the same way. I know it. How is that not enough?”

Jaejoong shook his head, attempting to keep his wits about him. He could hardly believe what he was hearing.

“You just think that now. Because of the night we spent together. But what happens when things get hard again? And it’s going to be hard—no matter how you look at it, it’ll never be easy.”

Yunho had tilted his head down and his hat was obscuring Jaejoong’s view of his eyes. Was he listening to what he was saying? 

“Don’t you want an easy relationship?” He pressed. “Rather than something that’s always an uphill battle? Something you always have to hide?”

The taller man took Jaejoong’s hands in his own, interwining their fingers.

“Tell me you don’t want to be with me, that you really think this isn’t enough. Say it directly.”

Jaejoong closed his eyes, growing silent. He couldn’t do it. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t say those words. Because they weren’t true. He would always want to be with Yunho.

“See?” Yunho said softly, squeezing his fingers. “You don’t throw away something like this.”

“You did once before.”

“I did. But I won’t again. I’m not afraid anymore. I’ll do whatever it takes to protect this, to protect us…” he brought the beautiful man’s hands up to his lips and kissed them tenderly.

“Jaejoong-ah—” Yunho said his name like it was honey on his tongue and Jaejoong felt himself melt. The larger man grabbed him tightly and kissed him.

He could feel the last remnants of his control and sanity threaten to slip out of his head as Yunho wrapped his arms around him, holding him close, his hands finding their way to the small of his back. With his last shred of sense, he remembered they were standing out in the park (even if it was late), and he moved to pull back. Yet Yunho held him tight.

“We can’t,” Jaejoong protested against his lips, placing open palms against his chest to push him gently away—trying to ignore the firm muscles under his fingers.

“Yes we can,” Yunho insisted, reclaiming his mouth hungrily.

Ah, it, Jaejoong thought, letting go and kissing him back with everything he was worth, throwing his arms around the taller man’s neck, tossing himself onto the tracks of desire, no longer caring if he was crushed under the wheels.

“You two! What are you doing there? Break it up!” An angry voice shouted from their right.

They both turned, startled to see a security guard stomping their way.

“Oh ,” Jaejoong hissed. Yunho gripped his hand tightly.

“Run!”

He took off suddenly, dragging Jaejoong in the opposite direction.

“Come back here!” The ahjusshi yelled after them, but they were already making their escape across the northeast end of the park.

Jaejoong couldn’t believe he was in this situation—Yunho had always been so cautious; maybe he really wasn’t afraid anymore. They ran for several minutes and then Jaejoong tugged on Yunho’s arm, signaling him to stop. He’d never been a good runner and could feel sharp pressure pulling against the back of his bum knee.

They stood in silence catching their breath, looking around to make sure the security guard was nowhere in sight. When it was certain the coast was clear, Yunho smiled at Jaejoong and took a step closer, eager to pick back up where they left off. But Jaejoong stepped away.

He glanced at the other man, at his handsome face shaded by his cap and his sturdy muscular body. Of course Jaejoong wanted him; like he said, he always did. But the spell had been broken and again he realized he was right in his belief—it was just too hard for them to be together.

“I’m gonna go home,” he said low, feeling suddenly morose and wanting to be alone.

“What? No. Let’s stay out a little longer. We could get some coffee or something.”

Jaejoong shook his head. “I need to get back.”

“Well…maybe I can come with you?” Yunho was grasping at straws, he could tell. But as much as Jaejoong wanted to stay with him, he knew it was better—safer—just to leave it here.

“You should go back to your place,” Jaejoong suggested gently and walked towards the park’s exit. But Yunho followed, right at his side.

“Is this because of the guard? Just forget about him.”

“It’s not just because of that.” Jaejoong stopped.

“The guard just reminded me how nothing’s really changed. We might have, but this,” he gestured at the space between them, “this never will. We’ll never be an ordinary couple—we’ll always have to hide and be constantly looking over our shoulders… I don’t think I can do that anymore.”

He moved out onto the street, looking up and down the block for a taxi. Yunho reached out and grabbed his arm, holding him back, his eyes dark and suddenly very serious.

“You really feel that way?”

Jaejoong nodded, pulling free as gently as possible.

“I’m sorry.”

A taxi to the street just ahead, and he raised his arm to hail it. It stopped and Jaejoong moved quickly towards it, eager to break away. Yunho stuck to his side all the way to the door of the cab, as if there was a gravitational pull between them.

“Let me at least see you home,” he offered.

Jaejoong put one hand on Yunho’s chest, trying to soothe and dissuade all at once.

“Yunho-yah…go home. Get some rest. You must be tired after the tour.”

“You expect me to sleep after this?” he mumbled unhappily as Jaejoong opened the door to climb inside.

The resolute singer took in the other man one last time as he stood helplessly on the sidewalk. He looked young and kind of lost, like a little boy separated from his mom. So different from the strong, capable leader he usually saw.

“Thank you for dinner. Let’s do it again sometime.” Jaejoong reached out and gave his shoulder a friendly squeeze, then slid into the back seat, his heart beating wildly in his chest.

He told the taxi driver his address and they pulled away from Yongsan park, away from the tall broad-shouldered man with his Hanshin Tigers hat covering his face as he stared down at the sidewalk.

Jaejoong took in a deep breath, steadying himself. Had he really just turned down Jung Yunho? Turned away the man he’d never been able to say ‘no’ to? He almost pinched himself to make sure he was awake. But this was definitely real.

Perhaps things had changed more than he thought.

To Be Continued...