“Hyung, maybe you could emphasize the pronounciation a bit more? I can barely make out the lyrics from here,” Jihoon speaks over the intercom about his previous take.

“Okay, let’s try it again,” he says to the smaller boy, making eye contact and nodding his head firmly.

After 4 to 5 more takes, Jihoon is finally satisfied with Seungcheol’s parts, leaving him to clear his throat several times because of how dry it felt. It’s Jihoon’s turn after that, so they meet by the door to the recording room when Seungcheol is just going out and Jihoon is entering it. “Nice job hyung, go drink some water,” Jihoon says while patting his shoulder. He can’t help but notice the dark layer under the younger boy’s eyes.

Even while he drinks, the thought approaches, ready to nag at him. He walks into the producing room while Jihoon is singing the pre-chorus. He sounds almost just like he used to, years ago when they used to train with Yejin, except now he sounds much more refined. His neck used to be tense when singing, just like Seungcheol, but now he knows how to be relaxed, so that his voice sounds like it comes out effortlessly.

Jihoon finishes recording the pre-chorus after 3 takes, mostly because he himself is not satisfied with it even though Bumzu is basically okay with his first take. He then spoke over the speaker to tell Bumzu that he wants to add a detail at the chorus, just after Seokmin’s first line and once more after the second line. “Go on, try,” Bumzu told Jihoon through the intercom. He whoops to the mic and Seungcheol almost bursts water out his nose.

Bumzu does some adjusting and copying and puts the sound in the two parts Jihoon wanted it to be and plays it for Jihoon to hear. The song actually sounds a bit fuller, more complete with it and before Seungcheol knows it, he has his jaw opened. “Wow,” he mouthed.

Jihoon has always been that way, detailed and good at everything he does, a bit of a perfectionist. It’s not without efforts—Seungcheol has been with him longer than enough to know that. Jihoon learns fast, and he is always eager to learn a lot of different stuff. That’s how he’s able to play thousands of instruments, dances and sings well, while also produces songs. The thought surfaces to his consciousness.

Jihoon would do well anywhere he’s put in, any position he’s assigned to, so he remembers years back after he was set to debut with him, Doyoon, and the other boys. Why did they give me hope? Why did they even try to put me here? Why did I not leave?

—

The preparation for their debut is almost coming full circle. All the songs are recorded and are in Jihoon’s hands for final editing. Every single day and night they practice choreographies, spending so much time because they’re practicing them while Soonyoung, Chan, Junhui and Minghao are also making and editing them in the process.

Their workloads are heavier than they have ever gotten in their lives. The hip-hop team has raps to write, Seungkwan and Soonyoung still has Andromeda to shoot, the vocal team constantly practices and makes new arrangements to songs they’ve sung before, and the performance team is demanded to make choreographies for their songs—not only one for each song, but to make variations for several occasions.

The members are exhausted, and the pressure of it all is slowly getting to them. Some members—Jihoon especially—are getting snappy, some are so tired they’re practically zombies who can't listen to instructions. So, he assembles the team for a meeting, right after one of their practices, before every one passes out.

“Guys, we are very close to debut. I know we all have lots of stuff to work on, but I hope we can use some time to talk so we don't lose our spirits,” he starts to speak, do some pep talk of some kind. “This is inhumane isn’t it? Should we just not debut?” he says while laughing, meaning to loosen the tension by joking.

Some of the kids grow tense at his words, some furrowing their eyebrows, and some laugh empty laughs. A little too late, he realized that what he just said aren't things to joke about. And suddenly his own words affected himself. That’s right, what am I doing all this for?

Before he gets lost in his thoughts and before the conversation goes the wrong way, he catches Seokmin staring at him, expression showing a mix of concern and confusion. Seokmin then blurted, “We should open a restaurant! Let’s have Mingyu cook everything in a see-through kitchen so girls would come,” some of the kids actually laugh at that.

“And what role do we have in the restaurant?” Seungkwan snickers at Seokmin’s idea and questions its validity.

Seokmin answers, “Food testers, to make sure Mingyu doesn't poison our customers.” Small towels drenched with sweat are thrown to Seokmin, making him scream from the smell and stickiness of it.

He sees Seokmin and the members, sees the smile and laughs on their faces. What role do I have in here?

—

“The Champion Song is…. Seventeen!”

Seungcheol grabs the mic. Okay. Thank you to our—

He sees Seokmin’s shocked face, he faces the audience to see fans crying here and there. He starts to speak, but words escape his mind.

“Um….” The PD signs the remaining time they have to the MC. Out of panic, he hands over the mic to the member beside him, he doesn’t know who, someone just need to say something.

He’s not even sure what goes through his mind, but when he realizes that he’s crying, he looks around him. He got reminded of where he is, remembers that he has a task to do—he needs to say the speech he had practiced. So he moves forward, not knowing if he’s still crying, not knowing what to feel, but knowing that he has a lot of people to mention.

He ends up saying a sentence to wrap up everything, since there is not much time left. The MC closes the program and their song plays in the background. He looks around, he sees the members with all kinds of expressions. Some are already playing around with the trophy, walking across the stage. He follows them, feeling the happiness as he sees them.

Among all that, he sees Jeonghan walk to the back alone, stays for a moment, and return to the front to play with the others with a smile on his face. He sees Jihoon again and finds that Jihoon still has his head down. He hears Soonyoung’s voice through the speaker, singing and wailing at the same time. He sees the members’ faces; some have their lips shut tight, some have eyes sparkling with contained tears.

Seeing everything, he wonders why they don’t just let themselves cry. Then, he sees that each of them peeks at the two producing and choreographing members, smiling proudly. Suddenly the tears he shed aren’t worth to be shed.

What have I done for them? Do I deserve to cry?

—

Chan finds him after their goodbye stage, on the emergency stairs at the company, head on his hands and tears trickling down his cheeks. It’s an unfamiliar sight to Chan, other than that time at their first win, he hardly ever sees his leader cry. He whines and says sentimental things a lot, sure, but he doesn’t really cry. The youngest member approaches Seungcheol carefully, hands hesitating to tap his hunched back.

“…hyung?” Chan says as his hand finally touches Seungcheol’s back.

Seungcheol hurriedly rubs his palms over his eyes to get rid of the tears, “hmm?” he answers Chan, voice cracking and face putting up a straight smile, head only turned very slightly towards Chan.

“What’s wrong…?” the younger squatted in front of him, eyebrows furrowed and eyes searching.

Seungcheol laughed, “nothing, I just…” he tries to come up with an excuse, but he has never been a good liar, not to the people around him. “I’m just happy, that’s all,” not a lie, not the whole truth.

“Yeah, happy people don’t cry that way,” Chan rolls his eyes, making Seungcheol laugh.

A pause.

“You know, before you say this shouldn’t be my concern, anything regarding our team is my concern. For all I know, I can get kicked out tomorrow because of this matter,” Chan says again to his hyung.

Seungcheol laughs.

“I guess it does concern you,” he says while ruffling Chan’s hair. “Like I told you, I’m just happy. I keep remembering the fact that you thank me so much, the fact that Seungkwan keeps saying some things I did, to tell people that I’m a good leader.”

Chan knows where this conversation is going.

“But I’m not,” he continues, “Let’s be honest, I haven’t done much for you guys. I mean why not let Jihoon or Soonyoung lead? Soonyoung clearly is better at bringing the members together. If there’s no Jihoon, there won’t be anything to put out. And all that problems with the copyright; you guys clearly sacrifice much more than I do.”

He sighs.

“I guess I made a mistake again,” he smiles while looking at the wall across him and laughs, “I put my worries to the shoulder of the maknae. What kind of leader does that?”

Now Chan sighs.

“Hyung, do you think we evaluate you? And that we can only thank you for being a good leader?” Chan says, looking at Seungcheol’s face, “do you think Soonyoung hyung would discipline us? Do you think we can all get along with them as leaders, with those other workloads they have?” Chan asks. “We got all the way here because we help each other.”

“But every time I do something, I don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing. I might seem like I do everything confidently, but that’s only to assure myself. I don't even know what help you received from me to make you thank me a lot,” Seungcheol confesses.

“I thank you exactly because of all this”, Chan answers him, “and we have been living 24/7 together for, what, more than 3 years? I understand that you worry a lot—I can even see it sometimes. That’s why we do what we do, to help you.”

Chan continues, “We all don’t know what we’re doing, not even me, Soonyoung hyung told me not even him. But despite all that, you still take care of us. I guess we’re just baby ducklings in need of someone to be our mother duck.” Chan smiles at him.

“I’m just thinking whether they picked the right mother duck,” Seungcheol sighs again.

“Of course they did, you’re the strongest one, you can totally carry all 12 of us. And also you can shoo off the evil predators, do a ssireum match with them or something,” Chan answers, face serious. He squeezes Seungcheol’s arm, “I mean, look at those muscles!”

Seungcheol laughs. As expected, s are good at this, being sweet without having to be cheesy, unlike him.

He’s still not sure, he will never be sure, but he is ready to do it together with them.