Decision

            Ryeowook had avoided seeing Kyuhyun for the better part of a week, but it was now the Thursday of the following week after he’d found out he was pregnant—the night before Kyuhyun was to give his boss his final decision on whether or not he would take the project in Beijing—and Kyuhyun had begged him to meet him for dinner.  He seemed so upset, even Ryeowook could not refuse.  Besides, he missed seeing his boyfriend terribly.  He’d only been staying away because he thought it might make Kyuhyun’s decision to leave easier. 

            Kyuhyun grasped his hand on the table.  “Why have you been acting so distant lately?  Is it because of what my boss said?  Or is something else bothering you?”

            Ryeowook glanced around the restaurant, looking around to see if anyone was watching them.  Public displays of affection made him nervous.  “No,” he said, shaking his head.  “I’ve just been really busy with the upcoming holiday concert rehearsals.  That’s all.”

            Kyuhyun gave him a pained look and squeezed his hand tighter.  “And you couldn’t come over at all afterwards?  Even just for an hour or two?  Or to spend the night?  I’ve missed you.  I thought about showing up at the university just to see you, but I didn’t want to anger you.”

            “I’m sorry, Kyu.  I’ll have more time around the holidays,” he promised.  “If you’re still here.”

            Kyuhyun released his hand and rubbed his face, inhaling and exhaling a long breath.  “Why do you keep talking like that?”

            “Because you’ve been with this company for several years now.  I’d hate to see you throw it away over one little thing.”

            “It isn’t a little thing,” Kyuhyun argued, his voice rising.  “They want me to leave for six months!  This shouldn’t be forced upon me.  They shouldn’t expect to me put my entire life on hold for them.  It might be a different story if you could come with me, but your job requires you to remain here.”

            “I shouldn’t be your only consideration,” Ryeowook only said, moving his food around his plate with his chopsticks.  For a change, his lack of appetite had nothing to do with his morning sickness. 

            “I wish you would be a little more selfish.”

            “And ask you to stay?  When it means you’ll be fired?  I would never ask that of anyone,” Ryeowook told him, reaching over to touch his arm.  “But that doesn’t mean that I love you any less.  That just means I care about you enough not to get in the way of your aspirations in life.”

            “What do you think my aspirations in life are?” Kyuhyun asked, looking directly at Ryeowook.

            Ryeowook opened his mouth to speak, but then he realized that he didn’t honestly know.  Neither of them had ever had a frank conversation about their dreams or their personal or professional goals.  He wasn’t sure what Kyuhyun aimed to do next. 

            “What exactly do you think I should tell Siwon tomorrow?” Kyuhyun asked, changing his question.

            “I think…” Ryeowook stopped and considered his answer.  He hadn’t told Kyuhyun about the baby.  It seemed such a cruel time to bring something like that up when he was already stressed out enough.  And it seemed wrong to ask Kyuhyun to stay in Seoul just for him.  They hadn’t even been dating that long.  “I think you should tell him you’ll go to Beijing.”

            “Ryeowook…I’d be so afraid you’d find someone else while I’m gone.”

            Ryeowook shook his head.  “I would think of no one else but you.”

            Later that night, Ryeowook returned to his apartment alone, claiming that he had to get up early for work. It was a lie.  They’d finished the term that week and he had a few rehearsals to attend, but nothing pressing that day.  In fact, he’d been keeping it open for a reason.  He’d been weighing the decision for the last several days, but it seemed obvious what he should do.  It wasn’t fair to stick Kyuhyun with a baby when his life was so chaotic at the moment or to make him feel forced to stay with him, just because of a child he’d never planned on having. 

            Ryeowook called up Leeteuk. 

            “Hello?”

            “I’m sorry to call so late, hyung.  Did I wake you?”

            “Unfortunately not.  I’m grading finals,” the doctor said, sounding unenthused.  “What can I help you with?”

            “I’ve made a decision about what I want to do.”

            “About the baby?”

            “About the pregnancy, yes.”

            “What’s that?”

            “I want to abort it.”

            There was a long silence over the phone. 

            “Are you still there, hyung?”

            “Yes…yes, I am.”

            “You said that you’d be willing to do the procedure, if that’s what I wanted.  Is that offer still good?” Ryeowook asked, a little nervous at Leeteuk’s lack of response. 

            “Of course, Wook,” Leeteuk said.  “And you’ve had ample time to think this over?  Have you discussed this with Kyuhyun at all?”

            “I haven’t told Kyuhyun about it and I don’t plan to.  He’s under a lot of stress at work right now and I think hearing about this will just make it worse,” Ryeowook informed him.  “He’s going to be leaving for Beijing for six months.  I don’t want him to have this over his head, too.”

            “But Ryeowook—”

            “You promised,” Ryeowook cried out, nearly in tears.  “You promised you would support me in whatever I decided.  Right?”

            “Yes!  Of course,” Leeteuk said, clearly conflicted. 

            “I’ve thought about it and this is the right decision…for both of us.  Neither of us are ready for a baby,” Ryeowook assured him.  “Do you have time tomorrow?”

            “So soon?”

            “Might as well have it over and done with,” Ryeowook told him.

            Leeteuk took a deep breath.  “I have appointments in the morning and early afternoon with students, but I’m free after three o’clock.  Is that too late?  You’ll be sore for a couple days, probably.”

            “Three is fine.  I’ll meet you in your office then.  Thanks, hyung.  Good night.”

            “Yeah, Wook…good night.”

            Ryeowook hung up the phone.  He got ready for bed and tried to fall asleep, but his thoughts would not let him rest.  He thought about Kyuhyun going to Beijing.  He thought even more about the pregnancy he’d be ending the following day.  And he thought about what could have been, if circumstances were different.  What if Kyuhyun didn’t leave?  What if he wanted a baby?  What if Ryeowook had more support to raise the baby?  Instead of falling asleep, Ryeowook spent most of the night crying. 

            The next morning, Ryeowook crawled out of bed at dawn.  He hadn’t gotten any sleep and it wasn’t worth pretending he was going to anymore.  So he showered, dressed, and made himself breakfast.  Then he threw it all up.  His nerves were getting the better of him.  It was making the morning sickness worse.  How was he supposed to keep his sanity all day until three o’clock in the afternoon? 

            Just when he was questioning how his day could get worse and what he could do to keep his mind off his decision, his cellphone began to ring.  It was Saeun.  He quickly picked up the phone, happy to speak to someone to take his mind off his problems. 

            “Hello, beautiful!” Ryeowook greeted her.

            “Oh, Wookie!  Thank God you answered!” she began.  Ryeowook could hear one of the twins fussing in the background.  “I have a huge favor to ask you.”

            “What’s that?”

            “My mother-in-law is sick, but she was supposed to come over to watch the kids this morning.  I have a department meeting at eleven.  I can cancel everything else on my schedule, but I really need to make this meeting, since I’m the one in charge of the department.  And I can’t bring the twins along.  I’d never get a thing accomp