Give Me Anything.

The days I spent without Heechul were hell. It wasn't the avoidance game I played that drained my energy and left me exhausted at the end of the day. It was simply his absence. Only now it occurred to me how much I depended on him, how great of a support he'd always been. How did the saying go? You only know what good you're missing when it's gone. Or something along those lines. I missed Heechul. I tried to distract my self by going more often to the orphanage downtown and play with the children (I grew fond of a little girl called Lilli – she was sassy). It helped for the time being but as soon as I returned to the academy my spirits died. It got to the point my room mate noticed.

“You behave strange,” Ryeowook stated.

“Your point?” I asked back not looking up from my homework. I wasn't in the mood to deal with deep conversations.

“Is it cause of Heechul?”

My head shot up. “What?” I stared blankly at Ryeowook as I processed his words. “No, no, no. You got it wrong. The tests are coming up and I'm nervous. That's all. I'm usually like that. Ask Hee-” I stopped immediately and bit my lip.

My room mate looked at me questioningly. “Yeah?”

“Nothing, forget it,” I mumbled and continued to scribble some words on an almost blank sheet of paper. No matter what I tried, how hard I thought my head was emptied. No inspiring lyrics for a song we're supposed to write for next Thursday. If this went on I was doomed. Then I could say goodbye to my beautiful ninety-eight percent in class.

“You know you can talk to me, right?” Ryeowook continued, looking at me expectantly. I smiled wryly at him. “I know, Bangs. Thanks.” I didn't want to talk about the issue with Heechul. It intensified the ache in my chest even more. Not to mention, once I started the issue it would sooner or later reach the topic Shim Changmin and I wasn't ready for that. While I declared war on him it wasn't easy to overlook what he had done to me. And I'm not talking about his advances, though they are the trigger for the mess I've become. I can't remember how often I jerked off picturing him in my mind. If a doctor diagnosed me they must get the result twisted Stockholm syndrome. There was no other explanation.

And if that wasn't enough stress my father decided to visit for a day. I was certain it was to ensure I didn't slack off and let the money they had invested in me go to waste. Little did I know that was only the tip of the iceberg.

“You've cheated on mum?” I exclaimed, totally shocked. My voice echoed around us as I had chosen a nice place outside where nobody would disturb us. I couldn't believe it. My father, the righteous businessman, a workaholic for life, had had an affair years ago. My world crumbled down. Not even my family was steady.

I wanted to look my father in the eye but somehow I wasn't able to. Scared of what I may found. The words still tumbled out my mouth. “You're telling me I have a sister I don't know about, mum and Hales have no clue about because she isn't mum's child?” I made sure, not quite comprehending my father's revelation yet. “You've got to be kidding me!” I breathed out, laughing disbelievingly

My father stared at me. He caught my gaze and hold it. To his defence, he didn't avoid it.

“I'm not,” he answered, voice controlled. How he managed I couldn't explain. I was on the brink of hysteria. On the other hand, he probably had a prepared speech or something along those lines before he came.

I concentrated on the words spilling out my father's mouth. It seemed he couldn't get them out fast enough. “Sometimes I think I don't deserve your mother. She is kind, loving and competent. But I don't regret the affair. The mother of your sister, Lilli, was wonderful. I liked her deeply, I think it was close to love.” He paused and smiled sadly. “A love that ended too early. She died after giving birth. I couldn't take the baby in, your mother would've broke down if she knew the truth.”

I listened without really hearing anything. This was all too much. I had a sister, another ing sister! And I didn't even know her face, how she looked, how she walked, what she liked to do. Nothing! But I had a sister, related to blood. It was crazy.

“I... I need to go,” I mumbled, shock making me numb. My father nodded, mouth set in a firm line and let me go. He never hold me back, never ensured it was what I needed. I shouldn't feel disappointed.

I was.

Stupid as ever. And it showed in my daily routine to the point others noticed. I forgot things, put water in my cereal instead of milk, wore my clothes the wrong side, overslept cause the night I was plagued by questions over questions that were two third related to the newly discovered secret my father hid for years. I knew my parents' marriage wasn't ideal, it wasn't the happiest but it was working. At least, that's what I thought. The fact that my father was able to cheat on my mother took a toll on me. Was I supposed to tell her? She didn't deserve this. I didn't want to imagine the pain my mother must feel once she hears of the affair. It'd break her heart. So keep it s secret? But didn't it mean I betrayed her, cheated on the trust she has in me?

This was ridiculous.

Why did I had to bother with a situation that my father had to get sorted out? It was his package, not mine.

Along with the mess between Heechul and me, the humiliating thoughts I harboured of Changmin and the pressure from academic related stuff it wasn't surprising I snapped.

It was a night where most people were found downtown in the open bars, drinking and laughing away the sorrows waiting home at the door step. Ryeowook dragged me to one of those bars, saying it was a meet up with the theatrical performance department and a change of air would help. It wasn't the air that did the trick, it was the alcohol. I believed I never drank as much as I did that night, taking shots with random people, ordering a new drink as soon as the old one was empty. Somewhere at some point I lost Ryeowook in the string of people coming and going, not that I cared. I only wanted to forget. My plan worked pretty well. There was a comfortable buzz keeping me warm, my brain too smashed to think stupid thoughts and clueless people that didn't know me. It couldn't be better.

I felt high.

My head was light and it intensified with every step I took, removing myself from the crowd and craving fresh air. I believed to walk on clouds. I didn't even know where I was going, where my destination was. Maybe I had none and just flowed aimlessly around in hope to find something to anchor me. It didn't really matter. Nothing weighted me down, I was free of any pressing thoughts. A feeling I haven't felt in a long time.

Our eyes met and my mind became blank. I didn't remember me crossing the distance. I did remember my hands the front of his shirt as I pulled him down and crashed our mouths together. I tasted hell. Hell in its sweetest and most dangerous form.

Little gasps escaped our mouth when we parted. “Are you drunk?” His words were ignored. I had more important ones to tell.

“You wanted to hurt me.” It wasn't a question, the truth so obvious it was painful to watch it manifest in my trembling hands, tingling lips and glistening eyes. “That's why you slept with Heechul. So you could hurt me in some other way.”

Because I didn't let you touch me.

The grip on my waist tightened. “If you need it that much hurt me, use me. I don't care anymore.” I was tired and needed rest. And this option seemed enticing. He would hurt me, so much to the point it wouldn't at all, till I was exhausted and was finally able to rest.

֎֍֎

“I was out of my mind,” I mumbled, gaze locked on the ceiling so I didn't need to meet the eyes of the person I never expected to wake up with. I repeated my words in a weak attempt of trying to create an illusion in which I had a dream – wait, nightmare – and would startle awake from soon. Sadly, my self-hypnosis exploded in little pieces when a voice drifted towards my ears.

No dream then.

In a dream you were the mastermind, controlled everything. So this definitely wasn't a dream. First reason: I wasn't keen on hearing that voice. Secondly, why on earth should I dream about the jerk? If that ever happened I must've been out of mind... scratch that, I already had a dream, a wet dream to be specific. More than one, a evil voice cackled in the back of my mind.

Red colour spread in my cheeks and I was thankful for the room was dim. It protected me from unnecessary stress and the uncomfortable feeling of being stripped . As soon as my brain finished that thought another popped up. Panicked I reached under the covers to check if I was still clothed and sighed in relief when I felt the texture of my boxers. As well as a wife beater I was sure didn't belong to me. But I wasn't ready yet to dwell on that.

Step after step.

“You regret it?”

I nearly jumped out of my skin when the voice laced with sleep reached my ears. I wasn't sure yet if my reaction was caused by the unnecessary reminder I definitely wasn't dreaming and lied on a foreign bed with the one man my mind titled as the worst human being on earth or because of the unusual softness tinged with something akin to worry said voice was coated in which made my heart feel all kinds of uncomfortable. This wasn't how the jerk was supposed to sound like, at all. Yet he did. And I didn't appreciate it. Explain to me why the raspy part due to half-sleep sounded so y by the way? Not nice.

“Should I feel anxious about the definition of 'it'?” I asked tightly, body stiff as I stared up the ceiling, not daring to turn my head and find out how close we were. To be honest, I was more scared of the look in those damn eyes that chained me every ing time our gazes met and did things to my body I hated, uncomfortable things.

Irrational.

Shim Changmin was the definition of unpredictable, irrational, hard to gasp, though never spontaneous. Whatever he did was thoroughly thought out and I bet every plan he created followed a plan B and plan C. He looked like a guy who was doubled prepared.

“We didn't do anything.”

I closed my eyes. that voice. At least I managed to protect a part of my sanity, good to know. “If we didn't do anything, why the hell do I lie in bed with you, wearing nothing but my boxers and a wife beater that's clearly not mine?” At the end I was out of breath and therefore sounded like a banshee not a composed adult who was aware of his manners. Damn it, way to show you're freaking out on the inside.

“Why are you so adamant about something happening between us?” The smirk in the jerk's voice was too prominent to to be heard. I was in no mood for teasing. “Just answer.”

“You threw up, remember?”

Oh gosh, please no.

“I never drink again,” I groaned and pulled the covers over my head. Maybe then everything would go away.

“That's what everyone says and in the end they come back,” Changmin supplied unhelpfully. “Is that why you kissed me?”

I let out a hiss. Till now I had hoped he wouldn't utter the word. It was a slim chance and not it slipped away. The iamges from yesterday night came back. I wanted to die. How... how could I indulge in something horrendous and morally inappropriate in a weak state? Did that mean it was too late? That Shim ing Changmin is successfully destroying the walls around my safe haven, one after another?

“I wasn't myself,” I replied, the words muffled by the covers. It was a poor excuse, but better than none. “That was a once in a life time mistake.”

“That's what I told myself every time I woke up in another person's bed,” Changmin said,voice a dull flicker in the dim room. Finally, I pulled out from my hiding spot and turned my head. The sight took my breath away.

No facades.

That's all I could think.

I stared at the bare image of Shim Changmin, no presempteous smirks, cold eyes and fake politeness tainting his core. I only saw unguarded eyes, willingly, a dry smile flitting over his face at his own statement and dishevelled hair falling on his forehead. He looked vulnerable, human.

“Do you never feel anything?” I heard myself say before my brain had the chance to stop my mouth. “When you messed with someone and leave them hurt. Does it never affect you?”

“Not till now.”

I sighed, eyes on the morning drawing near behind Changmin. The dawn's light peeked over the horizon as a silver stripe, casting everything in a pale glow.

“Have you ever wished to be someone else?” The words were out before I could hinder them. If I had turned my eyes to his side I'd seen the strange glint that flashed in his eyes, gaze on me. A glint bearing the rose colour of an awakened morning.

“You don't like yourself?”

“That's not what I meant.”

“That's what it sounded to me.”

“Well, that's probably cause you only listen to what you want to hear,” I snapped, not entirely immune to Changmin's teasing as I hoped I'd be. Well, it was wishful thinking to believe anything would change after we managed to engage in a more intimate conversation. Some things stayed the same. Wasn't that what I wanted? Stability? So why was I unhappy? I really didn't understand myself anymore.

“That and what I want to see. Not so different from you, don't you think?”

I snapped my head back and flinched at the sudden closeness between us. Deep in thoughts I hadn't noticed he had moved and was less than an arm's length away, body propped on his right elbow. My eyes darted to his mouth and my brain thought it a good idea to recall the memory of how it felt and tasted. Apparently, the drunk me found the taste rather addicting. I gulped, the blood rushing in my ears again. No, no. Temptation exists to be resisted. No stupid decisions, my jar is filled for the year with the one yesterday night. I didn't even want to know why I voluntarily followed him to his room. Having vomitted wasn't a strong argument.

And when my hands got tangled in his hair, warm hands sent goose gumps over my skin and his mouth swallowed any retort I had up my tongue I knew I was truly ed.

I didn't declare war on him, I declared war on myself.

______________

As you can see, this took a quick turn into a new direction. ChangKyu are a mess and I'm not sure it's healthy were they are gonna headed but oh well, where's the fun in all good things? There's some other drama coming Kyuhyun's way as well and it's gonna push him more into Changmin's arms. So for those who weren't satisfied by the ChangKyu interactions should get their money's worth^^