》 Not till we are lost do we begin to find ourselves... 《

"What happened?"

"I'm not sure. One day... it just happened."

It was just another day of hectic atmosphere and chaotic errands at the hospital, but I didn't know I'd be so close to losing you. Everything was fine at first...

"How is the patient with cardiomyopathy who came in this morning, hyung?" I asked you.

"I just checked on him a while ago, his blood levels and heart rate are stable. He had high blood pressure and diabetes and was a drinker. He was rushed here because of trouble in breathing."

"Maybe they'll ask us to help them do some tests again hyung. Ah, they're really making it hard for interns." I shrugged before bidding goodbye to you as I continued my rounds.

And from there, it all started falling into pieces. I don't know how and I don't know why but it did.

"Who was watching the patient during the last 12 hours!?" Doctor Song shouted as we both froze in terror and you looked at me with confused eyes.

"I-I ... d-did." I stuttered. I knew what I did. I know it like the back of my head and if I can only go back in time to change it, I would. I really would.

"THE PATIENT SNEAKED OUT AND DRANK ALCHOHOL ALL NIGHT! WHAT THE HELL YOON JEONGHAN! DO YOU KNOW WHAT COULD HAPPEN TO HIM?!" Doctor Song slammed the booklet in his hand to the floor with infuriating eyes and it was the worst feeling of all. I was bring you down, US down.

"I....I just-"

"ENOUGH! IF THE PATIENT DIES OF HEART FAIILURE, BOTH OF YOU WILL GET A ZERO. GOT IT?!" And with that, he left. I quickly turned to you instantly and held your hand, but you just pushed me away. Getting you against me is worse than the being against the whole world.

"Seungcheol yung, I swear to you... I didn't see it! You know my situation at h-"

"Why should I keep up with you again, Jeonghan? This has already happened before right?" And so you left.

I thought that was the worst, but it wasn't. The worst was still yet to come and I didn't know how I'd possibly prepare for it.

"Code Blue. Code Blue."

"Eottoke?!"

Everyone rushed into the ICU and my heart was pounding so badly, almost dragging my feet down as I ran madly. I wanted to think otherwise but no, everything was real. It was too late.

"23:18, time of Hong Majun's death due to cardiac arrest." One of the doctors announced and the mourning cries of the patient's relatives pierced right through my heart, sending a stray tear out of my eyes. I quickly turned to you and there it was, that bloodshot glare. It was the last thing I ever wanted for the world.

That was the lowest of all the lows in my life. I lost the grade, I lost the patient and most of all, I lost you. Everyone told me to move on but I couldn't, especially when you completely changed your ways towards me. Since I lost you, I completely lost myself too.

"Jeonghan hyung, how many times do we have to tell you it's not your fault?" Jun says while tapping my shoulder and I look your way, only to find you gazing on me intently. I sighed as I replied weakly.

"Of course it was."

"Hey, if it's your time, it's your time. Maybe that's what Mr. Hong wanted - to finally end all his sufferings."

"But we were supposed to save him...and we lost him because of my foolishness." I hissed, tears threatening to fall again.

"Hey, hey, hey!" DK hit my shoulder, sensing the tears that were about to come out once again. "We're not blaming you alright! Many people still need your service hyung! Why are you giving up so easily? Aish, I feel bad hyung. Please..."

"I..." I look to your direction but you were no longer there. "Excuse me guys." I walked out and dashed to the restroom, pouring all the tears I tried so hard to fight back when you were watching just fall on their own accord.

I cried so hard that day, you won't imagine how much I did. I didn't go to the hospital the day after that because my eyes were literally too bloodshot to display. Normally you'd go to my apartment but that time, you didn't.

A month after that incident, I got an invitation for a camping trip from Wonwoo and was told all of the interns were coming and that includes you. I thought it was my last chance. Who would've thought it would resolve to....?

"Hyung! Wait!" I called out to you in the pouring rain, in the middle of the vast forest. I could feel my legs getting weaker and weaker and I couldn't keep up. My eyes were slowly giving in, and so was my spirit. I was panting all over the place and my vision was blurry, I can feel the whole world falling around me. It was only a matter of time until-

"Jeonghan-ah!!"

"I..." I reached for your face, the tingling sensation of your skin on my hand lingered long enough to keep me awake for a few more seconds just to say a few more words. "-never knew, you'd come....b-back."

I drowned myself into your voice that called out my name endlessly as everything went pitch black.