11 February 2015

I have been here for a month already, and no one seems to have noticed – just like I had planned it. I called ahead before my arrival and ordered some groceries but it would last me much longer than I intended to stay, and I wasn’t ready to leave just yet. I wanted to observe them a little longer, watch them go about in their little happy bubble. Try and draw some strength from knowing that life went on – even if I was stuck in hell, that my family was truly happy.

I hadn’t told anyone where I would be going. After 3 days of near non-stop texts coming from TOP, I turned my phone off and buried in deep inside my suitcase. I left a message for my parents to let them know I will be going off the grid for a while right before I killed my phone. I knew they would incessantly call and ask if I was okay, and beg me to visit. A part of me wanted to go back home to Daegu and just be their little girl again. But I decided against it. They were older and seeing the world. I did not want them to stop their lives because mine came to an abrupt halt.  Well, maybe abrupt isn’t the right word.

As I sat by the window overlooking the quiet streets, I remembered how many days I had spent here. We never told anyone about this little piece of heaven - It was our place, mine and his. When I decided to come here, I called the agency that we contracted to look after this place to stock up the cupboards and refrigerator. Judging by the amount of food that was available; they had obviously assumed there’d be more than one person staying.

I smiled at the memories of how we used to take walks down the streets, visiting all the small deli’s and coffee houses and bakeries, how we would lose ourselves in the crowds at night but I have trained myself not to think beyond that. I just couldn’t go there. I was broken enough as it was, I wasn’t planning on rubbing very coarse salt into my open wounds. Five months wasn’t nearly enough time for me to deal with the hand I had been dealt.

I sat at a bakery opposite the school for the past 30 minutes, waiting for the final bell to go. The Ahjumma knew what I liked already. Grande Americano with Soy and whatever she baked freshly before my arrival. I had been coming here every school day for the past month. She was very alarmed at first, because I sat and watched the school every day from the same table by the window. She threatened to call the cops if I didn’t stop coming, which led me to tell her the reason behind my visits.

Seulgi.

I missed her so damn much but when I watch her like I had been this past month, I can see why she is not as affected by us losing touch like I was. Instead of calling her, not thinking she’d want to hear from me, I always asked my parents for updates on how she was. Thinking back to why we became so estranged, I think of putting my head through a milling machine. And through my actions, I had not only ed up my relationship with her, but with by best friend as well. I knew I had to fix this, somehow. But I had no idea how to even approach this.

“You are such a creeper. Why don’t we just go to their house and surprise them. We’ve been doing drive-by’s every time we are here. I would never have agreed to get a place here if I had known we would become stalkers”

“What! Are you crazy? I’m the last person they’d want to see. And we’re not stalking, we’re observing”

“Same . How do you know they don’t want to see you? Why would anyone not want to see you? I love seeing you” 

I smiled at the memory. But again I did not allow myself to think what happened beyond that instance. I instantly got a headache and started shivering. I guess my longing was the equivalent to an addict suffering withdrawal. The constant headaches, breaking out in cold sweats and shivering. My emotions were all over the place; going from kinda-happy to overwrought with sadness at the drop of a hat. 

I thought back to how things fell apart with Seulgi & Youngbae.

I though back to the days when we were still in school, how inseparable I was from them both. How much time Yougbae and I spent together, getting up to mischief and getting punished together. How we entered the underground racing scene together. How I beat his time and time again. He was the one that introduced me to me to a friend of a friend that eventually resulted in me getting an internship.

And then I thought of Seulgi. I missed her so much, it pained me. I thought of how we used to go shopping together, have sleepovers in each other’s rooms talking and joking way into the night. We’d get scolded by Mom because she heard us giggling until very late and struggled getting up in the morning for school. Then I thought of the day I acted so childishly, I couldn’t even forgive myself so many years later.

My sister fell in love with my best friend. I was so mad at her, accusing her of always taking my things. I told her I hated her for thinking she could just swoop in and take Youngbae from me. I said that he belonged to me and that she didn’t deserve him. I ranted on and on until I heard my name shouted from my best friend’s mouth. I turned to him, surprised as I didn’t know he was there. He scowled at me and walked past me to Seulgi and hugged her while she was sobbing.They had planned on telling me together but Seulgi couldn’t keep it from me any longer, not banking on me losing it like I did. She clearly got more than she bargained for. Youngbae led her out of the room but before he left he told me without even looking back that I can – and I quote “Go yourself. I’m not an object”

I left Daegu that night for Seoul, mad at them for falling in love, sad that I didn’t know if they’d ever forgive me and lost because they had always been my compasses, my way home. We never re-established contact after that as I had started my internship at Hyundai and underwent very strenuous practical training. A year passed without me realising it and I had received an invitation in the post. They were getting married, and they had invited me. I didn’t RSVP and I didn’t show my face at the church or reception hall. I was such a coward that I was watching it go down from a distance.

She was so beautiful. I knew what she would look like – from her dress to her hair, I even knew which flowers she’d choose. I knew it because I helped her put her “Dream Book” together when we were still in our school years. She just about had her whole life planned out in that book and I used to make fun of her for it. “The man that marries me will agree to everything in here. He would simply love me that much” she had said every time I poked fun at her book.

And for the very first time, I saw that she had found a man that simply loved her that much.  I never experienced Seulgi & Youngbae together. I had only heard my Dad making fun of how whipped Youngbae was, not that Seulgi was any better. I watched them stare at one another while all the guests cooed and whistled when they seemed to have forgotten there were people around them. I wanted to be a part of that with them, but I had ed things up and I never apologised to either of them. I mailed my wedding gift to them via courier. I gifted them a custom-made glass coffee table with images of mural villages like Ihwa Maeul and Songwo-dong under the top glass cover.

I became so lost in my thoughts that I failed to notice someone had taken a seat at the table opposite to mine. Well, not until I heard him repeatedly calling me a ing idiot, a moron, a brainless and so forth. I just stared open-mouthed at the man sitting there, smiling with his eyes closed- At least that is what it looked like when he smiled. I just sat and blinked as he made his way over to my table.

“Hey Joo. How you been?”

…

…

…

…

“Still an idiot I see. My name is Youngbae or Sol. But Je-bu will do” he said with a dazzling smile.

I leapt to my feet, my brain still trying to catch up and promptly started sputtering. He started laughing his off at my expense, but I was okay with that. He made me sit back down after hugging me tight, taking the seat next to me. I just kept staring until the waterworks started.

He looked panicked for a second but ended up laughing again. He hugged me again while he repeatedly told me how ugly I looked