March 28

Hi Yeollie,

This is  Baekhyun. It's been a long while since I last saw you. I can't reach your phone and nobody else can tell me where you are. Kyungsoo told me that I should write to you. He says it'll help.

How are you? Are you eating well? Remember to take your vitamins, okay?

I'll be waiting for a response.

I miss you.

Baekhyun.

 

• • • • •

 

April 6

Yeollie,

I miss you. Kyungsoo and I went to that cafe, the one that we pass by when we go for our walks. It looked so cool. The interiors were really great and the coffee wasn't half bad. They had a strawberry flavored one!! It was so sweet! I even got whipped cream on my face. Kyungsoo didn't tell me and one of the staff had to point it out. So embarrassing! You would have laughed and kissed it off my face.

It's been more than a week. I wonder if you've read my letter. Do you miss me?

Baekhyun.
 

• • • • •

April 10

 

Yeol,

 

I passed by the pet shop on my way home from work the other day. The puppy was still there.  Do you remember our baby, Kimchi? The puppy reminded me so much of him. They have the same enthusiasm. I never really liked the name you gave him, it was so silly! But he loved it, I suppose, he’d always jump on your lap whenever you arrive back home. I was so jealous then. This dog was taking all the attention from me. But I understood. How could he not love you, Yeollie? It was difficult, but I came to accept sharing you. Maybe that’s why he didn’t warm up to me in the beginning. I miss Kimchi, Yeollie… I miss you.

 

Jongdae came over the other day. He told me they were doing their best to look for you. I hope they find you soon. It’s hard to come home to an empty house everyday.

 

I still love you.

 

Baekhyun.

 

• • • • •

 

April 28

 

Yeol!

 

I haven’t written in so long!! I apologize. It’s been very busy these past few days. Did you hear about Kyungsoo? He’s been frequenting that coffee shop I told you about, he sometimes drags me along. Kyungsoo doesn’t even drink coffee. I wondered for a long time why he kept going there, and then I noticed that he would always look at the barista. His name is Jongin, by the way. I asked. Kyungsoo was furious, but I knew he was happy. Jongin was just as shy as Kyungsoo! It was so cute.

 

And also, I did it, Yeol. I finally quit my job. I still have to render a few days before I can finally be free. You told me I would never quit because I find it hard to displease people. But I did it. I proved you wrong, Yeol. Can you come home now please?

 

Baekhyun.

 

• • • • •

 

May 8

 

Kyungsoo told me I shouldn’t write to you anymore. He says it isn’t healthy anymore, not when I spent my birthday with a bottle by the couch, waiting for you to call. You missed my birthday, Yeol. You never miss my birthday. You didn’t even greet me. I waited. I waited the whole day.

 

All I got were phone calls from my mom, Kyungsoo and Jongdae. Some from others too. I thanked them  as quickly as I could because you might call next and I didn’t want to miss you. Did you call me? Did you dial my number but the line was busy? I’m so sorry, Yeol. I miss your voice. I miss your laugh. I miss crawling into your arms whenever I go through a bad day. I miss the way you kiss me. I miss sleeping next to you. Please call me now.

 

I miss you. I love you.

 

Baekhyun.

• • • • •

 

May 14

 

Hi Chanyeol,

 

I’m in the hospital right now. Kyungsoo just fell asleep right beside me so now is the only time I can write you this letter. They really don’t want me to write to you anymore. I can’t help it. I miss you so much. I don’t even know if you’re getting these, but I want to at least write my feelings for you. Maybe you’re reading them and smiling at yourself. Maybe, for some reason, you’re just unable to reply.

 

I have to rectify something from my last letter. Apparently, that wasn’t supposed to be dated on the 8th. I wrote it during the tenth. Kyungsoo and Jongin found me in the apartment that night. They told me I haven’t eaten since we last visited that cafe. They just found me on the passed out on floor, apparently from starvation. I couldn’t keep track of the days. It’s so hard to live every hour without you. And it keeps getting longer and longer. Maybe that’s why I didn’t notice-- because I don’t want to admit how many days have passed since I last saw you.

 

They’re keeping me under surveillance because I’m severely underweight. Kyungsoo barks at me to eat, but I can’t. Food tastes so vile on my lips. I don’t want food, I want you. I miss you. I miss you so much.

 

When are you coming back?

 

Baekhyun.

 

• • • • •

 

June 16

 

Hi,

 

I haven’t written in so long. They found my letters for you and forbade me to write anymore. I resisted, but they were adamant in letting me stay until I “get better.” I felt fine, but I just missed you. I had to act like everything was alright just so they’d let me go. I’m sorry, Chanyeol. I acted like I accepted that you’re not coming back. But I know you’re coming back, right??

 

I adopted the puppy I saw in the store last week. I named him Kimchi 2. It’s a stupid name, but I thought that if you were here, you’d give him that name. Dr. Kim Junmyeon told me that it would be better if I had someone else in the house. He said that ghosts don’t make good companions. I didn’t want to impose on Kyungsoo, not when he’s finally dating. So that’s how I have Kimchi 2.

 

I still keep your side of the bed empty. It’s waiting for you.

 

I’m waiting for you.

 

Baekhyun.

 

• • • • •

 

June 27

 

Kyungsoo and Jongin are getting married soon. Other people say it’s too fast, but I’m happy for them. Why not tie the knot early since you already know you’ll only have each other for the rest of your lives. It’s romantic, right?? I see the way they look at each other, there’s love in there. It’s familiar because that’s how you looked at me-- the way Jongin looks at Kyungsoo. I miss that. I miss you. It must’ve become very tiring for you to read how much I miss you in every letter I send, but it doesn’t stop being true.

 

Still here,

Baekhyun.

 

• • • • •

 

July 5

 

I can’t stop loving you, Chanyeol. No matter what they say.

 

Jongdae found your old clothes still sitting in our closet. He told me to throw them out. I told him I would, but I can’t throw them out. When you come back, you might need them. I can’t throw anything that belongs to you, Chanyeol.

 

I hate it. I hate it so much. They keep telling me to get over you. I can’t. I won’t. I love you too much. I’ll always love you. Even if you’re gone. Even if you’re not coming back.

 

But you will, right?

 

Baekhyun.

 

• • • • •

 

July 19

 

Kimchi 2 and I went out today! I almost forgot how the sun feels against my skin. Kimchi 2 ran around the park and played with the children. He has so much energy, but I couldn’t keep up. We came back home after an hour. It was already too much for me.

 

I wanted to imagine that I was with you while walking him around today. We’re holding hands while Kimchi 2 sniffs the flowers. You’d laugh, look at me and kiss me. And then, we’d get ice cream and just watch Kimchi 2 play with everyone, spreading happiness everywhere.  I’d lean my head on your shoulder.

 

But you’re not here. I wish you were.

 

I feel so weak nowadays.

 

Baekhyun.

 

• • • • •

 

August 1

 

Jongin and Kyungsoo got married today! Kyungsoo almost tripped while walking down the aisle, I did my best not to laugh (you probably would’ve howled). I’m his best man, by the way. They looked so happy, to be spending eternity with each other. We could’ve had that. Maybe we will.

 

We’ll have a sort-of reunion tomorrow. Sehun couldn’t join the ceremony because he had business in China, but he’ll be arriving tomorrow so we can all celebrate. I asked him about you, he sounded awkward, but he told me he hasn’t heard from you as well.

 

Will I ever hear from you? I love you.
 

Baekhyun.

 

• • • • •

 

August 2

 

I overheard Sehun tell the others that we’ve been fighting recently before you disappeared.That you were telling him how suffocating I was.

 

But I don’t remember any of that.  If I was suffocating, it was only because I loved you so much. Maybe you misunderstood. I only want what’s the best for you.

 

Please come home.

 

Baekhyun.

• • • • •

 

 

August 15

 

When are you coming back? Please respond. Please tell me you love me again. Please just let me know that you’re still there. I’m starting to forget your voice. Your scent is fading from the clothes you left behind. Why aren’t you calling? Why aren’t you here? Do you miss me? Do you still love me?

 

It’s been five months. I feel so empty without you here.

 

• • • • •

 

Kimchi 2 keeps barking at the basement and it’s getting annoying. It used to fill the silences, but it’s starting to hurt my ears. I can’t hear your voice in my head anymore. Where are you?

 

• • • • •

 

I saw you in my dreams last night. You looked so beautiful. You were wearing that coal suit that and your hair was swept back. But your eyes… they were red, Yeollie. There was blood on your face. You weren’t smiling at me no matter how hard I called for you. I was so happy to see you again.  You came closer and I saw that there was blood all over your clothes. Were you hurt?

 

… I wanted to hug you. I ran at you but you but I Kimchi 2 barking woke me up. Why can’t I hold you even in my dreams? Why is everyone against us? When will I get to hold you again?

 

• • • • •

 

The house is quiet again. Are you coming back?

 

I love you.

 

• • • • •

 

Kyungsoo finally came by the house. They told me I had to move out. That I was slipping back into depression. I guess they saw through the cracks of my facade.

 

Starting next week, I’ll be living with Jongdae. Maybe it’s for the best.

 

I didn’t let them throw out your clothes though.

 

I miss you.

 

• • • • •

October 17

 

They found your body in the basement.

 

It was in the freezer. The opened it and the smell was putrid. Your body was in pieces.

 

I had the biggest smile when I saw you again. They looked so horrified. But why? I finally found you.

 

You looked so beautiful. I could see your happiness now that we've found each other.

 

As I cradled your head in my arms, I remembered.

 

I killed you.

 

But only because I didn’t want to let you go, please understand that. I love you too much. No one else can love you like I do. This was the only way I could get you to stay. I can’t let you go.

 

I love you. I love you. I love you.

 

I want us to be together. Forever.

 

Even death won’t separate us.

 

• • • • •