Choi Seunghyun – Jeju Island, April 2016

This is when my life has its best time. Me, surround by people that I love and simply enjoy our time. I feel blessed. This is when I’m feeling the inspiration, the muse, and the infinity. It’s my precious one that keeping me alive. To be love and to love is the reason that I’m still kicking and screaming. I knew grief since I was a kid. My parents died in a plane accident, and since then, me and my big sister lived with our grandma and grandpa. They raised and took care us with love and sincerity. But to lose parents when I was just eight was a hard blow. As a kid we’re always needed of love, attention, care and all that parents gave.

I remember hearing the news of the crash. I was in school and my grandpa took me and my sister home immediately. When he broke the news, I feel the world just collapse. I don’t understand what happened, I just met my parents in the morning and they took us to school then go straight to airport. My sister was bawling, my grandma crying hard, and grandpa hugs me tight while crying and murmur some words that I can’t understand. I don’t know what to do and what to feel. It just too sudden. 

Some people describe their grief with many words, expressions. But I can’t, or I don’t know. That time, I don’t know what to do and what to feel. All I know is it hurt and confusing. My body and mind went by autopilot. I did what I need to, and I did what they told me to. They said that I was in a great shock and maybe that I was.

I was an empty shell for weeks. I did my life but I never be the same. Then I found reason to snap from my sister, my grandparents, and my childhood-brothers. They helped me trough everything and since then they became my everything.

 “Hyung, why you’re so lost in deep thought?”  My ever sweet dongsaeng cut my reverie and offer his ever warm smile.

“Daesung-ah! It just.. Nothing, I just remember how grateful I am to have you guys in my life”

“Melancholy much? Its weird for you hyung,” he replied with that teasing tone that I missed

“Hey! I’m an artist and we’re full of emotion you know”

He scoffed at that and rolling his eyes. And we both lost in our own thought. Enjoying each other presence and watching the other guys playing ball in the water, or maybe them just wrestling in the water to get the ball and throw it away when they get it. Whatever. As long as they enjoy it.  

“Me too hyung”

“Huh?”

“I might not express it much. But I’m also grateful to have all of you in my life. We’ve been through a lot and all. I won’t trade you all for the world”, Daesung said it with sincerely that makes my heart really warm. Its a feeling that I want to keep it and remember forever. And I can only smile as warm as he is, while giving a squeeze to his shoulder to show that I’m agrees of what he said. I, we the guys know, Daesung might not telling his thought freely like he used to, but his words were convey into his action, his gesture, his smile, and all the little things he did to show that he’s happy to be with us.  

“Yah you two! What’s the point of holiday if you’re sitting around and lost in your thought like thinking for the world problems. No fun! C’me here! ”, aaand that whiney voice of Jiyong ruin our moment.

Kang Daesung -  Seoul, September 2004

“Hyung! Seunghyun hyung”, I called and sprinted to seunghyun hyung when I see him in our school’s hall. He just passed the locker room while chatting with his classmate, dongwook hyung if I’m not mistaken. Turning around to see who’s calling, his face lit in a big smile when he saw it was me.

“Daesung-ah!! What are you doing here?”, he said with loud voice while I’m bow slightly to the other guy and him. He’s my senior afterall.

“I have a physic class just right now hyung. Its you, what are you doing? Aren’t you supposed to be in your class?” I asked him. Well, its not the break time yet and from the things that he hold, you can know that he’s from the canteen to buy the food.

Seunghyun hyung just grin with his friend, “well dongsaeng, the teacher w