Read the Amber part first before this. Enjoy!

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“Is it really okay Soojung-ah? I’m at SM now, I still have time to tell them to deny it if you change your mind”

 

“Hmm.. it’s okay oppa, why deny it anymore? Or is it YOU that want to deny about us?” I said on the phone and chuckle a bit, sitting on my bed while fixing my hair

 

“Wha-? Of course not! Haha I’m just worried about you, you know, it’s gonna be a big scandal and I worried that our fans would do something to you or-“

 

“Sssh.. you’re too paranoid. Relax, it’s gonna be alright, the news will release on April fools anyway so maybe half of them would thought of it as a joke” I said and laughing again, hearing that he laughed too

 

“Well, you got a point there. Okay then, let’s not think about that anymore. Soooo, what are you doing now Soojung-ah?”

 

“Hmm.. Thinking about you?” I said it with a smile without thinking, but when I realize what I just said my eyes widened and I just froze there, not paying attention anymore when Kai told me how he always thinking about me too and whatever he say..

 

 

 

 

“What are you doing servant?”

 

“Hmm.. Thinking about you?” A certain llama say when I give her a call at one night after I came back to Korea from work overseas

 

“Stupid…” I said with a big smile on my face

 

 

 

 

“Hello? Soojung-ah? Soojung? You there?” Kai keep on calling my name that snap me back from my thought

 

“Uh? O-oh.. yeah, I’m still here oppa” I said noting to myself to not spacing out again

 

“You okay there?” He sounded worried

 

“Hmm.. yeah.. Just tired I guess, I think I fall asleep just a while ago” I said with a chuckle to make him believe me

 

“Yeah, you sure sounded sleepy. Go sleep now. Good night, Love you Soojung-ah”

 

“Yeah, good night..” I said on the phone and think for a while before I said “…….Love you too, oppa” And with that I put down my phone

 

Sighing, I look at my phone again to look at the time now

 

 

1 April 2016, 00.18 AM

 

They will announce it after this.. Sighing again and actually not feeling sleepy at all, I decide to wait until the news come out, so here I am plugging on my earphone and listening to one of my favorite Radio channel that always play some good music at time like this, while I lay on my bed and browsing through my phone.

 

“Yo, yo, yo, awesome people, back again with your lovely Kim Jung Soo in our awesome show, Radio Night! How are you today? Ahh~ it’s so cold today isn’t it?....”

 

The man on the radio keep talking to lighten up the show when I hear the beep sound indicate that I have a message.

 

Vic Umma?

 

It’s Vic Umma with a very short message “It’s up Soojungie”.

 

I immediately jolted up from my laying position and browsing through my phone to find that particular article, after finding it, I read it immediately. My dating scandal with Kai. Yeah, all f(x) member knew already about this, and EXO too, the truth is the company already told us that they intend to reveal the scandal, because it will benefit them in some way, some old business with Dispatch I guess.

 

They told me, f(x)’s girls, Kai and EXO’s boys about this, told us about the benefit and risk, and give us time to decide if we agree to reveal it or not. At least they are nice enough to include us in this decision making. I know not all the members from our group agree with this revelation, but they didn’t protest either, we all talked about it and come to a conclusion that they will respect anything Kai and I decide. So after some time of thinking about it I agree to reveal our relationship and he agree too, of course.

 

Kai and I… We love each other, it started when we are still trainee, we become friend, then best friend. We get a little bit distance when I debut with f(x) and become busy, he too get more busy with EXO. But, then we started to have the same project, Pink Tape Art film, Photo shoot, and other things, and we become close again until one day he ask me to be his girlfriend and I agree. We started dating and I can really feel his love for me, he’s cute, handsome, polite, stylish, cool, smart, and I can going on and on about his positive trait.

 

Unlike someone who is a dork, stupid, awkward, weird, social butterfly and to top that a fashion terrorist too

 

I can’t help but let out a chuckle at that. But then my smile turn to a bitter one slowly.

 

Amber…

 

I’m sorry..

 

 

 

 

Snapping out of it I ruffled my hair and lay down again on my bed, staring at my ceiling

 

Why did you think about her again Jung Soojung?? YOU ALREADY DECIDED!

 

I mentally scolded myself and close my eyes trying to throw away thoughts about her, memories about her and all of that. I try to get rid of it by concentrate on Kim Jung Soo’s voice in my earphone, happily chatting on his Radio show. But it’s no use. Frustrated, I grab my pillow and squeezing it then put it on my head covering my face as I try to close my eyes once again. Then I can hear clearly Kim Jung Soo’s voice saying that he will give us a song, cover song from popular group in America.

 

A beautiful low melody of cello come out slowly soon after. I widened my eyes behind my pillow.

 

Pentatonix.

 

Amber love them. Who won’t? She always said. And I agree with her.

 

 

Say something, I’m giving up on you

 

Yeah, say something.

 

Why did you agree when the company want to reveal my relationship with Kai? Why you didn’t get mad? Why did you smiling like that? Why did you still hanging out happily with your friends? Why you didn’t cry? Why? Why?? Just Why???

 

I thought you love me…

 

Yeah right, who are you kidding Jung Soojung.

 

I’ll be the one if you want me to

 

I miss her

 

You reject her.

 

Anywhere I would’ve followed you

 

I want to be with her

 

You push her away.

 

Say something, I’m giving up on you

 

I… I love her..

 

You break her, Jung Soojung.

 

And I ..... am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

 

Did you remember what you said to her? Did you?

 

You both are best friend, giving sweet affection to each other that people would always think that you two are such a cute couple or if you really dating each other. You know that the feeling growing up inside both of you but you didn’t want to accept it, you ignore it. You are too scared to accept it, you’re too scared, you’re scared little Soojung

 

And I .... will stumble and fall

I’m still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

 

Did you remember?

 

You almost accept your growing feeling for Amber, you know that she treat you more than anyone else, you know that you often flirt with Amber, the way you look at each other, the way you always search for her, the way you touch each other, the affection, the gaze, the jokes, the sweet call, sweet message, attention, care, gesture. Unconsciously, you already let her fall for you and you let yourself fall for her. You may not realize it yet, but you can feel it, you can feel that attachment you have for Amber.

 

 Until Jessica happened.

 

Say something I’m giving up on you

 

You still remember clearly what she said, how she said it, and how she looks so disgusted and so uncomfortable with that kind of relationship

 

“Hhh.. it’s good that I’m with Tyler now Soojungie” One day Jessica suddenly said when they have their dinner together

 

“Why is that Unnie?”

 

“Because finally fans stop pairing me with Yuri or Taeyeon. I mean sure we’re friends, best friend even. So it’s normal right for being clingy with each other, girls do that all the time. I don’t understand why fans pairing us like that, that’s just wrong. We’re only being clingy with each other and fans already speculated that we have behind them. That’s… I don’t know, so gross I guess..”

 

“You don’t approve gay relationship?”

 

“No! and you better not too Soojungie. I know what you said on interview about LGBT Community, it’s okay to play nice in front of fans but remember don’t get involved in that kind of activity or community or whatever. I totally disapprove and I know mom and dad too. It’s totally wrong”

 

“……”

 

“Oh, and I hear a lot about you paired with Amber. I don’t really like that kid, you know, her being tomboy and all. I hope she is not lesbian. It could give you bad influence. Don’t get too close with her. I see your interaction lately, you guys are too close. I know its fan-service thing but still”

 

“Unnie~ Amber is not lesbian, she have many boys around her and they often like flirting or joking with each other, and she once said about her ideal guy too, so it’s safe, and we are really just best friend”

 

“Hmph. Okay then, you better find yourself boyfriend quick, so there will be no issue or scandal about you being gay and stuff like that, and people can stop pairing you with Amber.”

 

“……”

 

I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

 

Did you remember Jung Soojung?

 

How she confessed to you that day and how confused you are with that, torn between the feeling of happiness and fear. You can’t said anything properly, you just stared at her in disbelieve that she actually really feel that way about you. You almost said that you love her too. Almost. But then when it finally sink in your mind, Jessica once again appears in your mind and you remember how disgusted and uncomfortable she is with this kind of relationship. In that short of time, you feel like you can see the future where Jessica feel disappoint to you, where your parents feel ashamed of you and disown you, where the public and your friends judging you.

 

All of that makes you scared. So scared. Very scared. Too scared that unconsciously you can’t even look at Amber’s eyes anymore, afraid that you can’t stop that growing feeling for her. And then you said it, the words that will always be your biggest regret in life.

 

Don’t tell me.. are you.... really lesbian Amber?

 

You saw how her eyes widened at that and how tears start to form in the corner of her eyes. Ohh… How you want to wipe it and tell her that you love her too, but you’re too scared to do that, you’re confused, you don’t know what to do. And the feelings of fear won again as you hurriedly said other words to her without looking at her eyes

 

We can’t Am, you need to forget your feeling, or don’t talk to me anymore

 

And then you run away. You ing run away like a child you are. You run away and pretend that nothing happen. You run away because you are scared of everything.

 

Anywhere I would’ve followed you

 

Did you remember how she beg for forgiveness after that? How she keep on texting you, keep on trying to call you, keep on telling you that she’s really sorry but that’s really how she feel and how she beg you to at least dont judge and let her love you even if you aren’t. How she really tried to save your friendship, the friendship you cherish most but you’re the one who break it too.

 

Say something, I’m giving up on you

 

Days after that you didn’t have much job and you have a lot free time that make you could do anything you want, so you do one thing you love the most. Staying at house and lazing around. That day you just stayed at home, sleep, go to kitchen to find some food, sit at couch and watch the TV while eating. While you looking through the channels, this one program caught your attention, not because you like the program so much but because a certain llama is in it.

 

And I .... will swallow my pride

 

You saw her on TV. Feel that the program is not aired live, you check on internet the date of the recording and you widened your eyes at what you found.

 

The recording date and time is just hours after Amber confessed to you.

 

Once again you look at the TV and your eyes saddened at the fact that an once energetic llama now looks really sad and broken. Others might not see it, but being best friend for years, you can see it crystal clear how she’s not her usual dork self, how she’s keep quiet and not doing weird stuff, how she’s force a smile, how her eyes looks really swollen. People would think that it’s normal for artists to have swollen eyes because lack of sleep they get, and this is Amber, the one who really famous for her insomnia and trouble to sleep case.

 

But you know better that it’s not because any of that. You know one thing for sure.

 

She’s crying. That strong Amber that will never show everyone her struggle, the one who always carries her burden alone, that lovable dork who always put others first before herself even if it means that it will hurt herself.

 

And that’s because you Jung Soojung. You broke her.

 

But I’m scared.

 

You’re the one that I love

And I’m saying goodbye

 

Since that day you’ve been trying to avoid Amber. You keep your distance. You never do anything you always do to her before. You don’t take her hand anymore, you don’t lean on her anymore. You don’t play around with her anymore. You don’t talk to her anymore. You talk when needed and most of time you will avoid being in same room with her or being anywhere near her. You don’t even dare to look at her eyes anymore.

 

You don’t want to have anything to do with her anymore, you ran away, you always ran. And she never force her way with you, she never say anything if you giving even the slightest hint of discomfort around her, she never protest, she even give you some space when the member leave you two alone. She respect you. And you grateful for that.

 

Say something, I’m giving up on you

 

As the times fly, you started to warming up to her, and when she see the sign that you warming up to her she still willing to go back to you, to smiling so bright around you, to act silly again around you, to care and talk to you about everything, to act like nothing ever happened between you two, just like old times. And you’re happy for that, you thought that this is the chance to fix things between you, to get your best friend back again.

 

And I’m sorry that couldn’t get to you

 

But then once again you always know that the feelings never died. When she started to act flirty and give you affection too much, even if she didn’t mean it that way or even if she just unconsciously do that, you would always shut her down immediately. You’re scared that your feelings for her will surface again, that it will growing more and more.

 

Then you start to think ‘What if Amber have boyfriend? Maybe I can finally get over her and she can finally get over me’. You start to have this silent project of ‘make Amber straight or guide Amber to the right path’. You started to annoy her with constant nag about how she need to get a boyfriend, implying how she close with Henry, Erick, James, Scott, Rome, Peniel, and all, and how about she should act and dress more feminine not just in stage but outside too, that she is too boyish and all. You even told her to pray, reflect on herself, and change

 

All of that without knowing that you become a monster.

 

A monster that hurt and break an innocent soul. That heartlessly judge an innocent soul.

 

An innocent soul that will do anything for you. That love you with all her life. That never said anything or do anything that can hurt you despite all the sh*t you have done to her.

 

An innocent soul named Amber Josephine Liu

 

And anywhere I would’ve followed you (Oh-Ooh)

 

After that she started to take her distance again around you, she would go anywhere, hanging out with everyone like a social butterfly she is. She hang out with male celebrities, female celebrities, her english squad and just everyone that some of them you don’t even know who they are. She started to act like every boy is her bae. Like HenBer, NamBer, ScottBer and other Male-Ber ships are so real.

 

And you supposed to be glad about that, but in fact, you didn’t

 

Not until that day

 

That day where you decide to just take a look at her social media, and since you’re not that social-media person type yourself, you never really know what’s going on with her social media until you found out those pictures. Yes, those pictures with Minah, Ellin, and Shannon. How Amber close with those girls, and too close for your liking. How those girls seems to be hanging out a lot at Amber’s place, taking care of the llama. How Amber being sweet to those girls calling them her soul mate, her other half, and all.

 

Unconsciously a tear rolled down on your cheek

 

One single tear that tell you more truth than any words could ever be

 

Say something, I’m giving up on you

 

You know. You know what you want, you know better than anyone about your own feelings. But you’re too scared. You’re too scared to take the risk. You’re scared to accept your feelings. You’re confused, really confused that you become unfocused on your jobs, you become tired easily, stressed, and just not in the mood all the time. You can say that you have your worst ice princess attitude that time

 

Until Kai happens

 

A decent boy who like you so much, and you being more and more scared of your own feeling for Amber, decide to try it out with Kai, you think that maybe you like Amber because you never date any boy, so maybe if you try to date Kai you can finally get over Amber

 

But in the end of the day, always will and always be, you will always come back to your room, take out a precious picture of you and Amber from your drawer and just sit on your bed staring at the picture while crying your heart out

 

You know what happen Soojung

 

I know

 

You love her, only her

 

I am

 

Then what are you doing now? Why are you here and not with her now?

 

I don’t know, I’m scared, I just scared of everything, of this feeling, of us

 

But I can’t deny it anymore, it’s killing me, but I’m too scared

 

I don’t know what to do

 

I’m so lost

 

Just please, tell me what to do

 

Can you tell me what to do?

 

Please, Amber…

 

Say Something...

 

 

“So that’s it for tonight people, have a good night and good rest, this is your Kim Jung Soo, peace and out-“ Kim Jung Soo’s voice brought me back from my thoughts. Sighing, I decide to just sleep this feeling off, hoping that tomorrow everything would be alright again. Turning sideways, I turn off my phone and my bed lamp and started to drift off to sleep. But when I about to fall asleep I swear I can see Amber’s dorky face smiling so brightly, and unconsciously a tear finally rolled down from my eyes

 

 

Amber….

 

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Ok, I will leave it at that. Sorry but there won’t be any sequel to this two-shots.

 

Real world is totally different from fiction world. Sometimes, being different is scary. Even if the world started to accepting ‘different’ people, its still scary being different. You will never know how people would react, people can say that they are supporting all kind of stuff, but what if it happen to their children? Their siblings? Their friends?

 

You, if you have people who still support you even if you are different from the rest of world, you should be really grateful. At least you have someone. Some people just dont have that support. They are alone and too scared to let people know because somehow they know how people will react. And that led to them building their walls, closing themselve from their true feelings, act as if everything alright and normal. And we, as the one who understand those feelings, we need to help them, support them the best we can. But sometimes its not that easy, sometimes when we try to support someone, that someone is too scared already and wont open up, and it cant be helped.

 

Thats how I picture Soojung in this story. She’s not bad, she’s not close-minded. In fact, she’s actually love Amber too. But she’s scared.. She’s just scared.. She’s alone.. She’s afraid to tell people.. So she build her walls, and when Amber came through she’s happy, but she’s scared, she doesnt want to step out from her walls and resulting in how she treats Amber in this story.

 

And as for you all my reader, sorry for the long long long delay of this one. Well, something really bad happen at my family and I need to work double now so yeah I’m busy with all the stuff. I have time to read but no time for write lol, reading is much easier than writing, you agree with me right? hahaha. Sorry guys, but I will get back to write soon, don’t worry. I won’t leave my on-going stories hanging. For sure!