Sehun's 2017 Journal:

All About My Brother Part I/II

January 6, 2017

It's been four years. My brother, Luhan, he was supposed to return home after the military, but he never did. There was no call, text, or letter from him. They said he already left to return to his family, but where is he? Nobody knows. We've done what we could to search for him, but it's as if Luhan doesn't want to be found. And it makes me feel like I've been a bad brother to him.
Because I know.
It's because of me.
I know that, but I want to pretend that I don't. I act blind, as if I'd never read his letter four years ago. As if I'd never looked for him that day and dreamt of seeing him smile with my reply, of wrapping him in my arms as tight as I could so he would stay by my side. I act blind, because it's too late.
Besides, I'm already married to Airin. Luhan probably doesn't know that yet... but would he even want to know? He'll probably run away again. Or maybe he wouldn't.
He should be over me by now.

January 10, 2017

I got a call from mom today. I was greeted by her cries so I immediately asked what happened. She said she received a call from an unknown number today. No one answered, but she knew someone was there, breathing as quietly as it could.

She told me how she fell asleep after the call, her heart tightening as she recalled those days she waited for her younger son's calls and then she had a dream about Luhan.
He was crying in her dream. Crying for help. Calling her. Calling dad. And my name. And she tried to reach out for his hand but he was being taken away, farther and farther... out of her reach. She cried and asked me what if he's in danger? What if he's dead? He promised he'd at least call when he's out of the military, but it's been over six months, and he hadn't said anything at all.
I wanted to tell mom about the letter, but I paused. I was afraid she'd be more hurt, so I vowed that I'll just find him. I'll find Luhan and make sure he's safe. For mother. For our family. For me and my brother to settle what we left behind four years ago.

January 20, 2017

I've been dreaming about Luhan lately. In my dream, he always ignored my presence. He never looked me in the eyes nor turned around every time I called his name. I don't remember what happened after that.

By the way, Airin and I talked today. We talked about the baby boy we lost during her labor, and she cried as she begged me to do it again with her. She said she'll never lose another baby this time, that she'll be stronger for us, but I'm afraid she might not be ready yet.

Airin hasn't changed at all. She's prone to depression and she often hurts herself over little things like when she feels alone or when I talk to other girls. The doctor also said it would be hard for her to carry a child. She doesn't go to work either, she stays home and help with the laundry and cooking. I don't really like making her do a lot of work. Dad told me to find her a job, but I'm worried about her health. She might not be able to take it, especially when she has a heart problem. That's why, about what she asked me today, I'm not really sure if either of us are ready.

And also, I don't really think I can give up on my search for Luhan. Not right now. Not when he's been showing up in my dreams recently.

January 21, 2017

I thought I saw him today. I might've been thinking too much about Luhan to the point that every brunette I see looks like him.

January 25, 2017

I decided to visit my parents today with Airin. As usual, she was still nervous to meet my parents. Mom took so long to open the door that day. She'd usually run to the door when I come back, but this time, we probably waited over five minutes before the door opened.

And we meet Luhan.

At that moment, I didn't know what to say. I thought I didn't recognized him at first. He looked so different. Not as lively as before. He looked a little older too, not the usual twelve year old boy in a teenager's body, or maybe he was just tired. His hair was longer and was his natural dark hair color. He seemed like he lost a lot of weight.

"Luhan," I called, barely a whisper. I had an urge to embrace him, but Airin's hold onto me was secured. She didn't recognize Luhan who instantly flashed us his sweetest smile.

"Hey guys," he said softly, looking at both of us before focusing his eyes on mine. "It's been a long time." He smiled.

I was indeed surprised. I didn't even know what to say or do. I had a long pause before I finally said, "Yeah. Long time." In my mind, I was asking him where he'd been. Said in my mind that I missed him. I wanted to cry, but I managed to hold them back as I held Airin's hand back, rather nervously than uncomfortably.

But right then and there, those words felt too scared and hes