I (still) Think About You

 

 

‘’Na In-ah! Let’s go on this ride!’’

 

‘’Jongin are you crazy? I’m definitely not going into this!’’

 

It only took Jongin a few more ‘convincing’ arguments to get his girlfriend, Son Na In, to get in with him in the not even scary ride. It was one basic Ferris wheel that illuminated through the night with its rainbow lights.

 

It was the night of their one year anniversary. It was in the middle of October and the air had started to get quite chilly, though not enough to stop the two lovers from having their celebration at the city’s fair. It was right beside the Han River, and the lights of the city illuminated the pitch black water, drawing some beautiful patterns through the waves. The night was simply perfect, just like their relationship.

 

Jongin knew she was scared of heights, and it was one of the main reason he was bringing her up the wheel.

 

They were waiting in line and Jongin wrapped his arms around her petite frame, keeping her close and resting his head on the top of hers. Na In shivered at the cold wind, looking at the other attractions around the place, clearly avoiding to look at what they were waiting in line for. Jongin noticed and smiled, pecking her head.

 

‘’Don’t worry, jagiya, I’ll be there to protect you!’’ He whispered and she couldn’t help but smile, turning over to watch his handsome features. As it always did, her heart skipped a beat as their eyes locked and her smile widened. ‘’I’ll never be able to say no to you, will I?’’ She teased, and Jongin could only laugh, leaning down to capture her lips in a soft, innocent kiss.

 

‘’Of course not, jagiya. But you love me, so it’s all okay.’’

 

***

 

It was their turn to go in one of the cabins and Na In got inside first, taking in a shaky breath as Jongin followed and they closed the cage. She immediatly cuddled up to her boyfriend as he sat beside her, not much to his complain. She was the cutest when she was nervous, and Jongin would lie if he said seeing her like this wasn’t one of the reason he brought her to the wheel.

 

Na In immediatly yelped as the ferris wheel started moving and she closed her eyes. Jongin saw her and frowned, immediatly leaning down to caress her cheek gently. ‘’Hey, open your eyes, sweety, or you’re going to miss the view.’’ He said softly and shook her head quickly. Jongin frowned a bit, though soon found something and leaned closer until they were face to face.

 

Na In felt Jongin’s breath fanning on her nose and she opened her eyes a bit to watch him. ‘’Yeah, look at me for a bit.’’ He whispered and she did just that, again losing herself into Jongin’s dark brown eyes. The lights from the night made them sparkle gold and she smiled, her body visibly relaxing.

 

It was only when they got high enough to have a good view of the capital that the buildings caught her eyes and she couldn’t help but look, her fear being completly replaced by awe. ‘’Jongin! Look at the buildings! Look at the lights!’’ She beamed immediatly, completly forgetting they were up in the sky and she shifted to get a better view.

 

In front of her, the Han River stood, water reflecting the city in a whole other dimension, the lights dancing on its darkness. She looked up a bit to see the real capital standing in front of her, rising up to the sky.

 

She turned her head to look on her side of the cabin, looking down to have a view of the fair, the other attractions and their lights, the people walking around so small from her point of view...

 

Jongin smiled behind her, arms wrapping around her and he put his head on her shoulder. Na In took a hold of his hands and laughed. ‘’Jongin! I’m not scared anymore! Look at me, staring down at the people without even being scared of falling!’’ She told him before turning her head to stare at him. His eyes showed nothing more than pure happiness.

 

He didn’t say anything, only moving closer to close the distance between them. They kissed as the wheel continued moving, and it seemed that the view had lost all its importance, only eachother’s presence being the thing that mattered.

 

‘’Happy first anniversary, jagiya. I love you, and I’ll always do.’’

 

***

6 Years Later

 

‘’But mommy! I wanted the chocolate one! You know I don’t like blueberries…’’

 

‘’Of course, you like blueberries, sweety, you always eat them all at home. Plus blueberries are good for you, way better than chocolate. You probably don’t want to end up with a fat belly, do you?’’

 

Na In sighed and let the boy choose their table. They sat down and he looked at his blueberry muffin with a pout before looking up at his mom with wide eyes. Of course he didn’t want to end up with a fat belly! It didn’t take much more time before he gave up on his chocolate muffin and started eating, Na In watching him with caring eyes as she sipped on her coffee.

 

So many things changed since she finished school. Too many, even.

 

When she came back from her day dreaming, she focused her attention back on her boy and laughed a bit as she noticed the muffin all around his mouth. ‘’Hyung Innie, why are you making such a mess of yourself..’’ She thought out loud, a small smile making her lips curve as she wiped a napkin over her son’s mouth.

 

***

 

Jongin walked on the busy sidewalk of the streets of Seoul, coat up to his neck to hide himself from the cold wind. They were only in september yet it felt like winter had already started to hit them with its coldness. It was barely 8am, so everyone kept rushing around and he had difficulty making his way throught everyone without ending up bumping his shoulder on someone.

 

So many things changed since he finished school. Too many, even.

 

His journey ended once he stepped in front of a coffee place he usually stopped at before work and he went in, sighing as the noises from the city faded once the door closed behind him. He finally could breath in fully again, fixing his hair before going to the cashier and order the usual.

 

He stood in front of the guy, checking the muffins displayed before ordering his coffee. ‘’Oh, and add me one of these blueberry muffins, too.’’ He said, paying quickly before leaning back on the counter and watching the other customers.

 

‘’HyungInnie, why are you making such a mess of yourself..’’

 

Jongin instinctively turned his head at the familiar voice, though he only saw the back of a woman busy cleaning her boy’s face. His eyes lingered on her back, how her long dark hair rested on her upper back and shoulders. He continued staring and as if the woman felt his eyes on her, she turned her face and their eyes met.

 

For the both of them, time stopped for a moment. Neither of them moved nor looked away. They simply stared, old memories coming back to the surface. Old memories they both had tried so hard to forget. Old memories that involved just as much love as there was pain.

 

‘’Um.. Mister? Your order…’’ The young cashier poked Jongin’s shoulder, making him almost jump and he broke the eye contact, both of them roughly getting back to reality. He was quick to grab his little bag and coffee mug before turning around again.

 

She was still staring at him.

 

Jongin needed all of his courage not to walk out of the store, instead heading right to her and in front of her table, the boy watching him and blinking in confusion. Na In looked up at him before quickly looking down. ‘’It’s been a while..’’ was the only thing that she could say and with that he sat down, watching her and hoping to get a glimpse of her eyes again.

 

Oh, how he had missed those eyes.

 

‘’Mommy… Who’s that mister..?’’ The smaller boy asked, looking over at Jongin, who simply stared back and smiled a bit. ‘’I’m Kim Jongin, I’m uh… an old friend of your mom.’’ He mumbled, looking at Na In again who was still staring down at her hands. She smiled a bit when he said the word ‘friend’ and she looked up, trying to hide any emotion that was showing in her eyes.

 

Jongin stopped the urge to reach for her hand, staring up at her and his smile faded a bit. ‘’You haven’t changed much... ‘’ He whispered, but he immediately realized how wrong he was. The way she looked at him… of course it had changed. Her appearance had changed, too. She was more feminine, more woman. Her facial features were tinner, and he started wondering if there wasn’t something that happened during these 6 years…

 

Well of course something happened. He mumbled at himself, staring at the boy finishing his blueberry muffin. The boy seemed to be 3 or 4 years old. He looked exactly like his mom.

 

Na In frowned a bit, looking down and simply humming. The tension was getting thicker as the silence stayed, none of them knowing what to say.

 

Too many things changed since they finished school. Way too many.

 

Na In cleared and stood, Jongin doing immediatly the same after and they stared for another second before she hurried and helped the smaller boy stand too, removing the bits of muffin from his shirt before taking her mug. ‘’I should leave if I don’t want Hyung In to be late. I… guess I’ll see you another time?’’ She said, taking the boy’s hand in hers and sipping on her coffee. Jongin put his hands in his pocket, staring up at her and his dried lips before speaking. ‘’Would you… mind if I accompagny you? I’d like to talk to you. You know… to catch up with what’s been going during these… years.’’

 

Na In clearly expected this, though she still hadn’t find the good words to speak. Jongin belonged to her past, and somehow she wanted it to stay this way. She parted her lips to speak, ready to say that they could do this another time maybe but only one word escaped her lips instead.

 

‘’Sure.’’

 

***

 

Hyung In received his peck on the cheek before hurrying to meet his friends passed the school’s gate. He waved shyly at Jongin, a small smile curving his lips before he turned and ran. The bell would ring soon, signaling it was time for them to go to class.

 

When the small boy was out of view, Na In sighed and turned around. She started walking home and Jongin simply followed behind her, both at loss of words. It stayed like this for a while, the atmosphere between them becoming thicker as the time passed before Jongin finally broke the silence.

 

‘’Your son.. He’s really beautiful. He looks like you.’’ He said, his lips again before looking down at her smaller figure again. She simply hummed in answer, looking in front of her. He knew she was purposely avoiding to look at him again, and it hurt him more than it should have.

 

‘’Your husband must be-’’

 

Jongin stopped mid-sentence, noticing how tensed Na In became once he spoke. She stopped in her track and he did the same, and when she finally turned her head to look up at him, he knew his words had been a mistake.

 

‘’Look, Jongin. I don’t think this whole meeting up thing was a good idea. I have my life, now, and so have you. We grew apart and I think that’s how it is meant to be. Please go home, or go to work, or go wherever you need to go. And I’ll do just the same.’’

 

These words went straight to Jongin’s heart, somehow making their way throught it and they hurt more than he thought they would. His eyes searched in Na In’s, hoping to find in them something that showed she was lying, that she didn’t really want them go their own ways again like they did 6 years ago…

 

Na In broke their eye contact, and without even saying anything she stepped in front of her again, ready to leave.

 

‘’Na In-ah! Wait!’’

 

Jongin hurried back to her, grabbing onto her arm lightly and she turned adruptly, staring at him and waiting for him to speak. Jongin opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. His eyes begged her to stay with him a little more, though, to give him another chance to speak up with her and catch up the time they had lost.

 

Na In saw it all in his eyes. She could still read him like she used too. She felt something break inside her and she gave up, sighing and looking away. ‘’I haven’t eaten anything yet, and I need another coffee.’’

 

It was the only thing Jongin needed to hear.

 

***

 

The two of them found themselves in another cafe near Hyung In’s school, and after ordering two other coffees and a small breakfast, they sat down in one of the place’s corner. Na In sipped on her coffee for a while, not yet knowing what to say. Jongin didn’t speak up either, only staring at her eyes. He used to be able to read through them, to be able to guess her emotions and thoughts, but there was something in her eyes at that moment that prevented him from doing so.

 

‘’So… Tell me about you. How have you been?’’ Na In finally spoke, putting her mug down on the table and resting her chin in her palm, eyes locked with Jongin’s. The other just stared back for a few seconds, trying to filter everything that had happened in the past few years, and honestly he couldn’t find anything interesting to tell.

 

His life had been quite dull since he left college. He got a dull job a few months after he received his diploma, moved in a dull apartment filled with dull things. The neighbourhood was just as dull, too. He had stayed single the whole time, every girls he met not quite up to his standards.

 

Every girl he met, they weren’t her.

 

So Jongin told her exactly that, how he had found this job in a quite well-flourishing company, how he found an apartment when everything had settled into place, how this had been his life for the past few years since he hadn’t found anyone who could make his heart flutter just yet.

 

The latter information made everything become quite tense again, both of them falling quiet again. Na In took her time bringing the mug to her lips again, taking a few sips before putting it down again, closing her eyes before she spoke.

 

‘’I found a job in a school nearby, where I’ve been working since then. I… That’s where I met my husband. He.. used to work there, too. It all went by so quickly and after two years we got married. I got pregnant with Hyung In a little while after, everything was going great, really. We bought a small apartment near the school we were both working at. Then… ‘’

 

Na In stopped talking, sighing again and rubbing her forehead. She cursed at herself for opening so much. In the first place she hadn’t thought she would even tell a glimpse of her past to Jongin, but the looks he had given her, his presence near her, the way he listened to her, it all made her want to tell him everything that had happened since he was gone.

 

Jongin continued staring, not saying anything at all. He figured something had happened, not only because she seemed to have difficulty starting to speak again, but also because of how tensed she looked a while before when he had mentioned her husband.

 

‘’Cancer took him away from me last year. Since then I’ve been living with Hyung In on my own.’’

 

‘’I.. I-I’m sorry I-’’

 

Jongin was cut short by Na In shaking her head and standing up abruptly, fixing her hair and looking away. ‘’No, it’s fine, really. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t open up to you like this. You should have let me go earlier.’’ She mumbled, opening her eyes again and Jongin could tell they were wet with tears.

 

He stood quickly after her, and he was about to propose her to walk her back home but he was interrupted again. A faint ‘goodbye, Jongin’ made its way to his ears and with that she disappeared, and this time he didn’t even have the time to think about stopping her.

 

And she was gone, again, as quickly as she did back then.

 

***

 

Na In watched with a smile on her face as her son laughed and ran around the playground with some of his friends, the children’s yelling and screaming around almost entirely covering the sounds of the city. It had been a week or so since her encounter with Jongin and she was glad he didn’t insist any more. She hadn’t seen him since then, and she intended not to anymore.

 

When the thought crossed her mind she tensed a bit and frowned. Her mind knew pretty well that seeing Jongin again was a no-no, but her heart was starting to remember how good it felt to have the other’s arms around her. It made it harder for her not to be bothered by the fact that she’d need not to see h