maybe life isn't for everyone

 

Joohyun did not understand what the school was trying to achieve by agreeing to open the school to a prestige school from the West, confusing students from both sides. None of them wanted to be a part of this, however the paperwork had been done and dealt with.

It did sound like a good idea; combining two schools together, totally ignoring the fact that one of them was a school for delinquents while the other for high achievers, it did sound appeasing to the ears.

There was not much exchanges between the students, other than a scowl or glare as they pass by in the hallways. The school board went on to make changes to the uniforms to the scoring system to suit both sides. Joohyun realize then she hated ties, and there was absolutely no way they would make her wear them. She continued wearing her former blouse to cover her arms up, agreeing to keep the vest on as long as she was on school premises.

She had been careful enough not to step on any toes, especially those in clean cut uniforms, tailored for them from head to toe. Despite her efforts, Baekhyun caused himself to be suspended for two weeks due to an argument which attracted attention, very, very, very bad attention. Due to the lack of witnesses, the school board judged based on their school reports which did not look pretty on Baekhyun's side.

The involved student from the other school had been Minhyuk, one of the ones that had been crossing paths with Joohyun and the rest of her clique. He left the office with a smirk upon his face as he shove past Joohyun, chuckling when the file in Joohyun's hand slipped. Joohyun had to bite her tongue to keep her from screaming at the incoming students.

 

what is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly

 

Yonghwa a.k.a. Mr. Rich Enough to Buy Your Soul or Mr. REBYS (pronounced as 'rubies' for Yixing's convenience) was constantly edging Joohyun further and further.

It started when he saw Joohyun chucking away her report card into one of those gigantic bins behind the school area. He had dug it out, insisting she take it back home for acknowledgement.

“Why don't you mind your own business?” She warned, gritting her teeth while slamming the report card upon his chest, making him stumble and fall. “It'll do you more harm than good to be seen around with me, Mr. Perfect.”

 

She was not sarcastic about that nickname.

 

He had everything she had ever wanted. What she saw as a fantasy was a reality to him. It must be easy living the life without having to worry about their financial state. 'Money can't buy you happiness?' That was a pile of utter bull people tell themselves at night to feel better about themselves.

The way Yonghwa carried himself through classes was a definite sign he was brought up well, not to mention how neatly pressed his uniforms were. Unlike the rest of his friends, he was much more open to talking to the SM students. It did not take long for everyone to take a liking towards him, including her own friends. However, there was something amiss with him.

“Joohyun!” He called out, feeling relief after Joohyun had stopped running away from him.

“What?”

“Why do you keep running away from me?”

“Because I despise people like you.”

Okay, that was a complete lie, but she had no other choice. It would be bad for him if they were to find out about him. She was fine with being alone. Being 'friends' with people you see in school for most of the week does not make her friends, that was what she kept telling herself, but she found herself breaking every rule she made for herself when she encountered people like Yixing, who placed others before themselves, getting into trouble while protecting their classmates. Foolish, but trustworthy.

 

Joohyun kicked her shoes off, putting her coat on the coat hanger, hurrying to the kitchen to put the kettle on. She could not afford kicking the heater any higher, thank god she invested in dozens of blankets before she left her home a couple of years ago. She swore she would never beg or let herself be given any form of assistance. She was perfectly capable of taking care of herself, thank you very much.

She flipped the stove off, carrying the kettle padding her way to the bathroom. She placed it on top of her makeshift shelf, shivering as she removed her clothes for a quick shower.

Food was something Joohyun had to forget about enjoying every single day, three meals a day. She was lucky enough to get one simple meal every three days. The old lady living next door was kind enough to offer her dinner every day but she refused each time, saying that she already had dinner. Everyone living in that apartment were struggling to get through each day themselves, how could Joohyun be selfish and worry only about herself.

The school did provide free lunch, but she would always find herself held back in class, having to write lines for her homeroom teacher.

She took her bag from where she left it earlier, spilling her books out on the floor beside her. “Where do I start?”

 

it hurts to even breathe

 

“Why do you dislike Yonghwa so much?”

Joohyun choked on the drink she was drinking, coughing while Yixing rubs her back. Taeyeon moved to clean her mess instantly, as if she had expected that response.

“I don't dislike him.” She replied, coughing slightly.

“Okay, good, then-"

“I despise him, I have nothing but hatred for him, he is the spawn of the devil, he-”

Miyoung had heard enough, shutting by stuffing a piece of the bread she had been sharing with Yixing. Joohyun was secretly thankful, hoping it would satisfy her rumbling stomach for another day.

“He's annoying.” She explained, taking her pencil out of her bag, poking Miyoung for a sharpener.

Yixing sharpened it for her before Miyoung could find her own bag. “I think he's nice.”

“Yeah, he is.” Zitao joined, scribbling his answers furiously in his notebook, flipping it loudly like his life depended on it, well, it did.

“Hey, where's Baekhyun?” Joohyun suddenly realize the brunet were nowhere to be found for two days in a row. It was not rare that he would skip a day of lessons, but he would usually let the others know if he was planning to disappear for more than a day. “Is he skipping again?”

“Mr. Wu printed his literature test paper out for the entire class, highlighting each mistake he had done. He made sure for the FNC students to know of his lack of knowledge in their second language,” Taeyeon paused, “Mr. Wu even discussed regarding Baekhyun's family background.”

“Isn't that going too far?” Joohyun screamed, standing up instantly, anger running through her veins just by thinking of how hurt Baekhyun must had been. Zitao reacted first, holding Joohyun hands carefully as Miyoung touched her shoulders lightly, putting some pressure behind her neck.

“Joohyun, calm down. We should use our voices instead of our fists to solve-”

“Let go of me.” Joohyun muttered between quick breaths. “I won't attack him, my wounds are still not healed yet.”

 

The thing was, every one would expect disclosing anything regarding a student's background would be considered them getting fired or be dealt with law officials. Unfortunately in their school, teachers were free to disclose any little detail regarding their students to whoever they may be talking to. It was not uncommon to hear that oh, this student no longer lives with his parents, oh, that student had been abused since young, everything was blatantly out in the open like it was nobody's business.

Despite that, some teachers were nice enough to disregard everything regarding one's background and taught as per norm. However, some were considered monsters. It happened each day, a student would get d on, or even , but none of it would be brought up to the school board.

Baekhyun had been one of the victims. Taeyeon found him huddled up against the piano when she went back to the studio to get her things. God know what would happen if she did not get to him in time before the others did. He did not leave his room for weeks after that incident.

A part of him died that day and never returned.

 

have you ever seen a pig fly

 

"Well, I'm not going." Joohyun contemplates on which way to kill herself so she would be able to give a proper excuse to not go to the stupid camp. "I don't care if there's alcohol."

Baekhyun wipes the chocolate at the side of his lips, turning the flyer around. "I heard the place is haunted; the seniors had been talking about it for weeks after their camp."

"But why do we have to go to the same place as they did?" Miyoung asks, chucking it under her desk as she slides down in her seat.

"Is it true?" Joohyun leans forward in interest. "It's haunted?"

Baekhyun nods, circling one of the rooms arrangements. "We would be rooming with the FNC students. One SM student, one FNC student per room."

Joohyun slumps onto the desk. "Bury me in rose petals."

"Why rose petals?"

"Because then I can finally touch them without being pricked by their thorns."

"Okay?" Baekhyun answers, folding his own copy of the flyers and putting it in a random page of his literature book.

He had missed a few days of school which was not so bad. He could still catch up in his lessons, not including Mandarin classes. However, Zitao could help him in that area. Baekhyun pushes his chair out, getting up to throw his empty pudding cup away when he is stopped, he would scoff if he could; Minhyuk blocks him, standing like a proud soldier.

"Move." Baekhyun says but the only thing Minhyuk does is smirk.

"Why did our poor boy skip classes for three days?" He leans into Baekhyun's personal space.

" off." Baekhyun moves to the right side but Minhyuk is quick, and persistent.

"Beg me."

Before Baekhyun could say anything else, Zitao pushes him out of the way, shoving Minhyuk into the door.

"He told you to off, didn't he?" He punches the wall beside them, as if to show what would happen to Minhyuk if he were to continue. Minhyuk stutters an apology, scuttling off to his seat.

Taeyeon laughs, turning to her own desk as she takes her books out for the lesson.

“ing cowards.” Joohyun accidentally looks in Yonghwa’s direction, meeting his eyes for a few seconds before Yonghwa breaks eye contact first.

 

Yonghwa has never approved of Minhyuk’s way of 'asserting his dominance' over the other students, it just something that happens even in their former school. It keeps Minhyuk happy, and out of trouble. Minhyuk has no experience in any form of fights, he has the money to settle anything. Yonghwa thinks it is disgusting then he remembers he is a part of this lifestyle.

Each day he is chauffeured to and fro school in a black sedan accompanied with his father. They would occasionally converse regarding Yonghwa’s grades, regarding how he would be able to take over the family’s company once he turns twenty one. Yonghwa wonders why he has to study hard when he would only need to show up at the office for an hour, call up some random girl to his personal office, sign a few documents and play golf with the other superiors for the entire day.

Yonghwa hates golf.

 

He tries his hardest to pay attention to the lesson because mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell and he does not even know how it looks like, but he keeps shifting his focus to the girl at the corner of the classroom, pulling her hair into a low ponytail and quickly grabs her pen as she writes down whatever the teacher is explaining about. Despite Joohyun’s tough exterior, Yonghwa knows there is more to her than what she shows in front of others.

“Yonghwa, the answer.” Jungshin hisses, knocking Yonghwa out of his daydream.

He clears his throat, looking up to see everyone waiting for him to answer. “Mitochondria produces the energy currency of the cell.”

The class bursts into laughter much to Yonghwa’s confusion. He turns to Minhyuk for answers but the latter is fast asleep, resting on his arms.

Jungshin pulls him closer. “Biology ended thirty minutes ago, it’s Calculus now.”

Oh.

Ms. Jung seems amused, which is fortunate for him; Yonghwa thank the lord for not making him spend an hour to his parents regarding why he was so interested in mitochondria instead of paying attention to his other lessons.

“Okay, close your books. I want to tell you guys about the upcoming camp.” She turns around to wipe the board clean while Yonghwa slams his face into his books.

“What were you thinking about?” Jungshin asks, poking Yonghwa’s scalp with a pen.

Yonghwa mutters, “Nothing important,” as he turns his head to take another glance to the corner of the class to find Joohyun staring back at him, he averts his gaze to the front of the class.

“Everyone would have partners. You would have to go everywhere with your partners, hand in hand and you must always speak in a nice manner to each other. Best part, you guys will be roommates for the five days.” She reveals  a transparent boxes filled with colored folded papers, with their names, Yonghwa assumes. “Okay, who wants to go first?”

Taeyeon volunteers, seeing the distraught faces of the class makes her feel bad for Ms. Jung. She sticks her hand into the box, choosing one of the folded paper meant for the SM students. She beams as she reads the name. “Kwon Mina!” Well, Taeyeon has been lucky all her life.

Kwangjin volunteers next, turning his paper over so everyone could read it too. “Hwang Miyoung.” Miyoung chokes on her drink, making a mess everywhere. Kwangjin is the quieter FNC students, always choosing to be on his own. He is also rumored to be extremely difficult to get along with. He walks over to her seat, placing the paper on her desk before going back to his own.

Baekhyun is up next, biting his lip as he reads the name on the paper he had chosen. The soft smile he had on disappears the minute he stuttered out the name, “Kang Minhyuk”.

“I’m loving this camp already.” Minhyuk announces, stretching his arms above his head as Baekhyun returns to his seat solemn. Taeyeon rubs his shoulder, attempting to make him feel better.

“Seo Joohyun.”

Joohyun raises her head, dropping her pen when she sees Yonghwa holding the slip of paper with her name. The entire class begins murmuring to one each other, just like what Joohyun was worried about from the start. She never wanted attention on her, she hates the way the girls are looking at her with such disgust because they were hoping they would be Yonghwa’s partner. She told him to stay away from her, but no, ‘fate’ wants Joohyun to suffer for the rest of her life.

“I’m ed.”

maybe not forever

 

“Just to be clear,” Joohyun sighs to the empty room, “I still hate Mr. REBYS.”

She starts unpacking her things, choosing the bed on the left side because it is nearer to the toilet and there is no way she is walking past his bed in her pajamas. Her plan during this camp is to get as far as she could from him. She will jump in a pile of mud if she had to. Her requests of changing her partner was all in vain. There had to be an agreement on both sides and Mr. REBYS is obviously out to turn her life upside down.

Two knocks on the door and Joohyun quickly leans against the door. "Password?" She demands, locking the door instantly.

"What password? Joohyun, open the door now."

"Never."

She ignores the series of knocks and her name being screamed from beyond the door when she receives a text.

 

from: yixing

open the door for him. my head hurts T_T

 

"Fine." Joohyun yells, unlocking the door and running back to her side of the room as Yonghwa pushes the door open, glaring at her while he drags his bags behind him.

"Was that really necessary?" He throws his duffel bag on his bed.

"There really is a password."

Yonghwa sits at the corner of his bed, ping his bag. "Okay, what's the password?"

"I'm not telling you."

Yonghwa could almost scream in frustration. First it was the dissected frogs in his locker, then it was her meddling with his computer, rendering him helpless during the test. Now, this.

"At least give me a hint."

Joohyun stops for a moment. "Nope." She replies, carrying her cup noodles and stacking them as high she could. Then she places it on the counter, cursing when it all comes falling down on her. She pays no attention to Yonghwa's grinning at her. He would not be grinning when she stabs him in his-

"Those are not good for you."

Joohyun scoffs, huddling three of them in her hands. "Not all of us can afford fancy meals three or four times per day without ever having to worry about losing the roof above their head."

"We'll be fed by them."

"I won't." She mumbles under her breath. She is not lying, she assumes Mr. Jung, her homeroom teacher, would bring her somewhere away from the others and make her run laps or something. It is not something he had not done before.

 

She was not his target at first, he first picked on Zitao, the Chinese exchange student. He made him run laps around the entire school, up and down the stairs until his face turned blue. Yixing saw him passed out on the bed when he went to the nurse's room for some bandages. When he asked the nurse why, she brushed him away, telling him that it was not any of his business.

They found out the truth a few days later, by the head nurse. She was treating Joohyun when the latter figured she should try her luck into finding out more regarding the boy. She managed to convinced Mr. Jung to stop picking on Zitao or she would bring the matter to the board. At least he did kept his promises.

 

The room is finally silent. Silence is golden. Joohyun likes silence, silence means everything is going well. Silence is-

"Give me your phone."

Apparently Mr. REBYS does not have the capability to stay silent for more than thirty seconds.

"Why would I?"

"Just give me it."

He holds out his hand, he is serious? Joohyun raises her eyebrows. Joohyun flips her phone open, holding it up before shutting it and stuffing in her bag.

What she did not expect is Yonghwa coming to her side of the room, grabbing her phone and holding it up so Joohyun could not reach it, using her phone to call his.

"Now we have each other's numbers." Yonghwa waves his phone in Joohyun's face. Joohyun grabs her phone back and putting her best angry face for him before moving on to save his number, it is for emergencies, yes, she tells herself.

 

from: MR. REBYS

let's be great partners

 

to: MR. REBYS

in your dreams

 

Joohyun stays by the sidelines, scribbling words onto the ground with a rock while Baekhyun lies down in her lap, using her as shade from the sun. He fidgets around, trying to find a comfortable spot.

Miyoung joins them, putting some distance between her and Kwangjin who is busy writing down god knows what in his notebook. Miyoung always see him with it, a simple black notebook with blank pages.

Taeyeon rests against tree trunk, fast asleep after watching the first match.

"You guys will split into groups of ten, together with your partners."

"Why can't we play against our partners?" Baekhyun mutters, picking up a tiny rock, throwing it in Minhyuk's direction, hitting his back which makes him turn around as Baekhyun instantly faces the other way, pretending to be fast asleep.

"Everyone in favor of playing against your partner say I."

“I.” Joohyun raises her hand.

Baekhyun carefully opens one of his eyes to check if Minhyuk is looking before raising his hand. "I."

"Uh, I don't think so."  Yonghwa moves closer to them. "We're playing."

"Yeah, no thanks. You can go and play with the , oops, I meant Minhyuk." She gives Minhyuk a sarcastic look, rolling her eyes as he stares at her.

"Okay then, since you don't want to play, I'll sit here with you. But," he lifts Baekhyun up, pushing him away before resting his head on her lap, smiling up at her, "there, all better."

Miyoung laughs, this is the first time they have ever seen Joohyun flustered, not knowing what to do. "Relax. Just enjoy the game."

" this game. you." Joohyun pushes Yonghwa off of her lap, landing his head on the concrete ground. He manages to get up only to see her running away.

 

“So how does hiding in a broken tree trunk makes you invisible?” Yonghwa knocks Joohyun’s head slightly, giving her a hand as he pulls her out. She had been stuck there for ten minutes, only Yonghwa had brought his phone along, so she could only ask him for help. He would never let her live this moment down. He laughs as Joohyun turns around immediately, mumbling something under her breath.

“What was that?” He teases, pulling a leaf out of her hair.

“Thank you for helping me.” She says a little louder, bending down to pick a small flower and tries to walk away, accepting the silence as permission to walk away.

“Where do you think you’re going? The rest are-”

She yanks her hand back. “You can go ahead with them. I’m returning to the room.”

“Alright, let’s go.”

“Okay, wait what?” Yonghwa silences her, dragging her along with him, opting to use the elevator since the teachers are not around. She is still wary around him, sticking her back to the opposite side of where he is standing, ready to run as soon as the door opens. But before she could, he holds her hand in a tight grip.

“Why do you keep running away from me? I’m not a bad person.”

She laughs, still trying to yank her hand back. “Well killers don't actually warn their victims beforehand, you know.” They wait for the elevator to reach their floor, silence between the both of them as they retreat to their room.

“Why,” Yonghwa starts, as Joohyun jumps onto her own bed, “why do you think of me as a bad person?”

Joohyun shrugs, “I never look at a person and say ‘hey, maybe he is nice, maybe i should try and get to know him better’ because everyone, everyone, will meet their own form of the devil and they will do anything to achieve it even if it means betraying your own flesh and blood, however, they will realise that the devil is actually a form of themselves, the most despicable side of themselves. They will cry, plead for mercy when they die. They would say they learnt their lessons, but isn’t that what God wanted them to do when they were still alive? To change themselves before they met him? Isn’t it already too late after dying? Are they really sorry? Will they really change? They’re just humans, all humans err, how can someone be as foolish to live his life on the safe side? Well, I’m that someone. Goodnight, Yonghwa.”

“I don’t think you’re correct. What if the person is suffering from disorders? You can’t charge someone with a mental illness with first degree murder because he has trouble differentiating what’s right and what’s wrong. His sense of reality is our sense of fantasy. They see things in a different light and they have people telling them they’re wrong but no one can see what they see, nobody wants to take the time to see the world from their eyes.”

Joohyun sits up, sighing loudly, she is obviously not going to get any sleep. “So you’re saying that God created these disorders for them to have a sad backstory?”

“I don’t believe in a God or Gods, I don’t care about anything related to religions because if this is what he has to offer, I’m not impressed. There is nothing but destruction everywhere due to his followers. Sure, you can’t blame the entire community for something one person did because it’s unfair, but who’s to say that God himself is not doing it? And, disorders are something we can all help to cure, it’s curable, it isn’t an easy journey, but it’s possible. At least, that’s what I tell myself every night.” He whispers the last part to himself.

“'Help' is something only the rich can afford, unfortunately. I’m not even sorry for saying this, but you guys can afford a cure for something that runs in your veins, while people like me are just waiting for death to come or we’ll do it ourselves. And I’ve seen hell, it’s not a pretty sight, but nor is being alive on this planet with despicable humans.”

“Like you said, the devil comes from one’s real self, should we get to know each others a little better?”

Joohyun lets out a laugh. “Whatever, I’m going to sleep. Wake me up when they come searching for us.”

 

i used to be so kind

 

Forgiveness was something Joohyun was taught when she was younger, before her mother started drinking, before her father started gambling his fortune away, before his brother was convicted of life imprisonment for the death of a police officer.

Life is short, but long enough for you to create a memoir or something like that if you become a useful part of society. If you do not, hey, at least you learnt that drinking water is good for your health and a grave necessity in life.

Her mother would always say that God has a plan for each and everyone of us, a divine plan, she would say. Really, a divine plan? Joohyun scoffed, she stopped showing interest long ago. She wanted to scream, to get it off her chest but her mother rubbed her back, apologising over and over again for her husband's mistakes.

It was no secret. Everyone in the house, except her two younger siblings, Joohyun begged his father for hours so he would not lay a finger on them. Random strangers paying her a visit to her room every night, they were allowed to do whatever they wanted to; she was mostly hit, used as a punching bag. Some nights were harder than than the others. His father would be a few thousand dollars richer and he slipped a few twenty notes under her pillow after she collapsed from the exhaustion.

The school nurse noticed the marks when the girl fainted in between classes; it was not uncommon in a neighborhood like theirs. Belt marks upon the back, cane marks that broke skin, broken noses, the list could go on forever. They could do nothing other than bandaging their wounds.

Her mother begged for her forgiveness everyday, whenever she saw new bruises. Joohyun ran out reasons to stay after his father broke his promise because his new client wanted 'fresh meat', leaving her siblings brain-dead.

She broke the rusted lock with the help of some graphite and a screwdriver and pocketed as many notes she could, slinging her backpack behind her and began running down south. She expected an apology, a text waiting in her inbox for her to read but there was nothing.

Nought.

Zero.

 

sadness is not poetic

 

On a hind sight, Yonghwa thinks he is being creepy watching his roommate sleep, but this is nothing similar to the picture.

 

He knew her even before the schools joined forces, not by her name, just by her appearance; pictures of abused girls, teenage girls in his father's laptop, she was the first one to popped up when he clicked the folder. He could not believe it when he first saw her, in person, in an abandoned alley, petting a feline creature by the dumpster. He told his driver to stop, saying that he wanted to get a waffle by the store next to it. His bodyguard, Sunwoong, opened the door for him, and it scared the cat away, the girl glaring at them for making too much noise.

Yonghwa kept his head bowed, whispering an order to Sunwoong before he entered the store himself. He got three double chocolate waffles and a peanut butter large cookie for his mother. Sunwoong entered the store a few minutes after Yonghwa finished ordering.  

"Her name is, Seo Joohyun, young master."

"That's a nice name." He grinned, not missing the smirk ghosting on Sunwoong's face. "Stop that. Don't tell my father about this." He passed one of the waffles to him, telling him to eat up. Yonghwa passed the last waffle to their driver.

The entire sedan smelt like a bakery and they should probably make a fragrance out of it.

He never mentioned about his father's night activities to his mother, he could not even look into her eyes and tell her that her husband was spending on girls as young as Yonghwa was. His father thought he was smart, thinking he would not get caught he was clumsy.

Yonghwa got hold of his hard drive, smashing it to pieces right in front of his father. "Continue doing that to innocent girls and this will be your fate."

"You're threatening your father? What kind of a son-"

Yonghwa scoffed, swinging the golf club left to right. "Are you even listening to yourself? Is this how fathers behave? That's ing bull."

Yonghwa likes golf a little better now.

 

He tries to be gently as possible, patting Joohyun's shoulders to get her to wake up. All he gets is a tiny whine and she flops to the other side. As much as he would like her to rest, he is hungry. He skipped breakfast this morning because he slept late last night and was almost late.

"Joohyun, get up." He realises this would not work so he has to take risks. "I'm sorry." He whispers, doing a ninety degree bow and taking a deep breath.

 

It was dark, it had always been this way, it helped her pretend this was all a dream - she would wake up to her siblings jumping on her and the smell of cupcakes filling the air. Her father would be sitting at the dining table, reading his morning paper. Joohyun would tie her brown locks in a messy braid before running down the stairs to be on time for breakfast because her siblings would glob everything down. Her mother would slap their hands from picking at their food. Ah, she wished this would never end.

She wished for death each night.

She would wake up early each morning, probably at five and take a quick shower. She spent her allowance on a decent aid kit since she could not depend on her father to get it for her. Joohyun usually restitch every one her mum had done the night before. She dabbed some sort of an ointment over them before patting it down as thin as possible so it would not be obvious when she puts on her uniform.

Her siblings would have woken up by seven, courtesy of her mother just after she had a quick drink. Joohyun would send them to school on the way to hers. It took around twenty minutes by foot to her own school. She stayed by herself mostly in school, eating her tuna sandwich at the foot of the stairs while others choose to stay in class or head down to the cafeteria.

She hated other human beings, it was disgusting how they flaunt themselves to the opposite or whatever makes them happy. Usually she do not have a problem with her classmates, but trying to comprehend the reason why was there a blow-up doll during history class just did not cut out for her. Not when every other couple was having like they were bunnies or something. Even more, she hated herself.

She knew none of their names, it was too dark to even see her own hand in front of her face, so all she had to do was grit her teeth and endure it all. It kept her siblings safe, even if it left her scars no amount of washing could get rid off. They were on her skin, branded like her body was some sort of a shrine, a trophy her father would show around.

Joohyun screamed whenever her mother would approach her, crying while she wiped the sweat, the blood, the tears off of her daughter. She despised her own mother, why would she let her husband so such a thing to get booze money instead of feeding them more than a piece of bread for dinner? They were worse than vultures in her eyes.

Every night it would be the same routine, she would sit in the center of bed waiting for murmurings from beyond her door. Gritting her teeth, clenching her fists and hold her knees closer to her body. On some occasions, she had to be drugged because she would not stop trashing around or she was attacking the clients and her father could not have that - that was bad for business. However, some clients liked that, it gave them more of a challenge for them.

She sat there until she hear them entering her room. The sound of their belt being unbuckled and the usual "you're so beautiful" compliments and she bared her frail body for them, lying down and praying for it all to end soon.

Joohyun felt sick, almost like she was drowning and everyone else were staring at her weirdly or ignored her and some were screaming for her to grab a hold of herself instead of actually helping her, was that how the actual world was, was-

Oh, no. He is in the room, she could almost hear him pouncing upon her without much of a warning. He is grinning, holding her chin so tightly she could not even open , she stays there until she feels a sudden pressure against , it is cold, a blade? God, it is a blade! A sob escapes and he is laughing, it must have excited him, next thing she knows he is screaming her name, shaking her uncontrollably, please stop this! Someone please help her!

"Joohyun! Joohyun, get up." Yonghwa expects some resistance because she is Joohyun, the female alpha as some of their classmates snicker when she walks past them.

"I'm sorry! I won't do it again! Father, please stop them!" Joohyun pleads, tears falling down her cheeks and she starts pushing herself nearer to the wall, trying to get as far as she could, her breathing is beyond uncontrollable, her chest heaves with much effort and he could only imagine how painful must it be.

"Father, please don't leave me with them! I don't want to stay in here with them. They're hurting me, why are they taking my clothes off? Father!"

Yonghwa jerks back, noting how she is avoiding his eyes, darting her eyes around the bed, kicking frantically when he makes a sudden move.

"Joohyun, listen to me, darling, nobody is here to hurt you."

"You're a liar!" She screams, shutting her ears and repeating it in a softer voice.

"No, I'll protect you, I won't let the bad guys hurt you or even get near you. I promise you."

She shakes her head quickly, locking herself up in the tiny corner of her bed, fresh tears spilling out.

He reaches for his neck, removing the silver chain he wears under his shirt. It is a simple chain, with his initials on the back side of the dogtag. He considers it his most prized possession even though it did not cost much.

"Hold this, this is my lucky charm and I want you to have it." He speaks in a softer voice, not wanting to frighten her any further. Her breathing slows down when she recognises him, he is someone she knows, not one of those cruel men her father sent. Joohyun opens her palm for him to drop the chain into her hands.

"Would you like to talk about it? I won't make you if you're uncomfortable."

She hesitates for a few seconds. "My father," her voice cracks, tears threatening to fall anytime, "can you hold me?"

Yonghwa's jaw falls open before quickly masking it with a smile, nodding as he approaches her slowly in case he triggers another attack.

Joohyun falls asleep within ten minutes of him lolling her to sleep, putting the necklace around her neck and clicks it shut. He makes sure she has a warm cup of tea to drink if she wakes up again. He grabs a sticky pad and wrote a note for her if she needs him and he could rush over whenever.

 

my mind is not my own

 

"Don't tell anyone about what happened last night." Joohyun switches plates with Yonghwa, giving him the one with more meat to get her point across.

Yonghwa snickers and it pisses Joohyun off, as usual. She picks up the spoon, pushing the rice around, keeping an eye out for Mr. Jung in case he comes and drags her out in front of everyone and make them watch her run laps.

"He's not here."

Joohyun hiccups. "Who isn't here?"

"Mr. Jung." Yonghwa says with a hint of joy in his voice but he tries to keep his cool, he does not want his image to be ruined yet, not when he is doing so well in looking good in front of her.

"Did you...?" She trails off, not knowing how to approach the subject without sounding like a prick.

He nods, scooping a few pieces of chicken, putting on Joohyun's plate. "Thank you." She mutters, unsure of whether she was thanking him for getting rid of Mr. Jung or giving her her much needed intake of protein.

Soon enough, the rest comes and joins them, blabbering about how the hike yesterday was so much fun.

"Where did you go yesterday?" Taeyeon questions the second she sees Joohyun, grabbing her face in her hands. "Were you hurt? Who did it? Tell me everything, don't be afraid."

"Let her breathe." Zitao scolds her, forcing her to take her seat while Miyoung passes Joohyun her carton of apple juice.

"Uhm?" Yonghwa points to the two boys refusing to look at each other. "Why are they handcuffed together?"

"Ask him." Baekhyun and Minhyuk says simultaneously. Glaring at each other as they starts tugging each other to their seats.  

It is beyond hilarious watching them try to use their non-dominant hand to attempt to scoop grains of rice into the spoon only to have it drop back into their plate.

"If you didn't open your big ing mouth, we wouldn't be in this situation." Minhyuk throws his spoon down, and the hall suddenly goes quiet.

"Well, it's not my fault you're a stupid rich couldn't even smuggle cigarettes properly into the room, and causing trouble for both of us just because Mr. Kang would suffer because he can't get his nicotine fix." Baekhyun shouts back, shocking everyone and himself. He awkwardly clears his throat, ruffling his hair - his habit whenever he realises he messed up like getting caught in a lie or actually talk back to his bully and most probably going to earn a black eye when they return to their dorm.

"Touche." Minhyuk says, using his fork to poke through his rice, picking up the clump of rice. Oh god, it tastes horrible, Minhyuk thinks but shrugs and continue stuffing his mouth with pieces of limp vegetables.

"So..." Miyoung coughs, turning towards Joohyun, "what did you guys do yesterday? We couldn't find you guys anywhere."

"I had a slight fever so Joohyun took care of me."

"Yeah, I did." She keeps on drinking water to avoid conversing with her friends, she does not want them to start worrying about her when they have their own issues to begin with.

"What are we doing today?" Yonghwa pokes Minhyuk with his spoon a few times to just mess with him.

"Kayaking." He replies, snatching the spoon from Yonghwa. Joohyun passes him hers, inducing laughter from the rest.

"How did you guys change your clothes?" Kwangjin's voice is soft, like cotton candy.

"Don't even." They warned simultaneously again, making the entire group giggle.

 

They did not get to even get near the waters due to a sudden typhoon warning. Eventually they were all sent back to their homes with promises of having another camp by the end of the year. Joohyun was secretly disappointed when the teachers announced it, looking over to Yonghwa who looked equally disappointed. On the other hand, Minhyuk and Baekhyun were yelling cheers, running towards Mr. Wu who was the one who handcuffed the two together.

Everything will go back to being normal, right? Joohyun thinks, stuffing her cup noodles back into her bag. She did not expect to carry it all back home, so she barely left space for them, no matter how she tried to flatten her bag of dirty laundry, it just would not shut properly. She could throw them away, their expiry dates are impeding anyways, but it would be a total waste. She piles them up, huddling them in her arms. Maybe she should have opened the door before her hands gotten full. The door pushes her back, the cup noodles flying everywhere, one even hit her in the face, earning a few curses escaping her lips.

"I'm so sorry!" She hears, wiping her lower lip with the sleeve of the sweater she is wearing. She waves it off, no one got hurt and that is much more important.

"What were you doing with the cup noodles?" Yonghwa bends down, picking them as he walks over to his bed.

"Garbage." She is back to her one-word self, she does not need to get along with him anymore, she could go back to i ignoring him and his friends.

"Oh, can I have them then?"

So, rich boys do eat ramen when they have fine cuisines waiting for them at home, served directly to their dining table, accompanied by the red wine.

Joohyun shrugs her shoulders, zipping her bag, proceeding out of the room, paying no attention to him calling her name. She pulls out her phone, Yixing had been spamming their group chat. A mixture of Mandarin and Korean, followed by Miyoung asked for translations in caps because no one is actually making any sense and it is confusing. Taeyeon joins in, copy pasting whatever Yixing is saying, emojis flooding in, courtesy of Baekhyun. She chuckles at their antics, not noticing she is walking in the direction of a senior. She drops her phone, grunting when pain shoots up her back.

"Are you okay?" The other picks up her phone, helping her up. She grabs it, glaring when she realises it is a FNC student, Lee Hongki, a few grades higher than them.

His smile is bright, almost blinding to one's eyes and Joohyun hates it. She does not say anything, retreating her steps, opting to take the other way down because there is nothing good about getting unwanted attention. She is already struggling with her FNC classmates, she does not need any more, especially from seniors.

 

"Yonghwa oppa, why don't you spend time with us? Instead of hanging out with that sore loser?" He retreats his hand, readjusting his bag, walking towards the other side.

The other girl, who is equally annoying blocks his way, he was raised by proper parents who taught him manners and should never disrespect everyone because you would never know whose day you would make but this is bull, he does not even know these girls, never seen them before in school either.

"I'm not interested, so move along."

The two girls squeal, locking their arms with Yonghwa's. He shakes them off but they would come back instantly like leeches.

"Yonghwa!" They remove their arms instantly, taking a few steps back, their faces hardening at Joohyun's entrance. "Your mother is  looking for you."

One of the girls makes nauseating sounds. "What happened, Soojung? Some bastard knocked you up?" Joohyun retorts. "Be careful of contracting HIV or AIDS. Google it up."

"What the did you say?" Soojung approaches Joohyun, using her height as an advantage against the other.

"Relax yourself or you're going to mess your ing botox jab."

Soojung pushes Joohyun against the wall. "Oh, we're being touchy now?" Joohyun laughs, not feeling threatened at all, this is child's play to her. Soojung drops her eyes to Joohyun's neck, fishing the chain from under her shirt. Before Joohyun could stop her, she flips the dog tag, Soojung's eyes dilating when she reads the name of the owner.

"You don't deserve this." Those were Soojung's last words seconds before Joohyun shoves her across the hallway, putting her in her place like the low life she is.

“No one ing touches me.” Joohyun grips the Soojung’s collar, turning her so she would face her older face. “Take your sister and never trouble Yonghwa ever again. I don't know what else I would do if I were to lose control.” She smirks when Sooyeon nods, hastily pulling her sister out of their way.

“Thank you.” He says, when they entered the elevator.

“Your mother is at the front desk.” She relays, escaping at the speed of light when the doors open.

are you proud of how much you damaged me

Everything is back to normal, Joohyun thinks, flickering the lighter before she places her palm over it, close enough to get warmth from it but not too close to get a burn; burn scars are the hardest to get rid off. She continues playing with it until she gets into the school, keeping it in her skirt pocket in case a teacher sees her playing with it and confiscates it.

She found it in her bag on the same day the camp had ended. It was a pretty lighter, gold engravings on its black exterior. She could not comprehend it though, she does not speak Latin or even read it, but she decided to keep it anyways.

 

“Did you hear? Hongki lost his lucky lighter.” Joohyun’s ears perk up, her hand subconsciously reaching to her pocket, it could not be the same light, could it? “He said he would reward anyone with anything they wanted.”

“Is that why half of the student body is busy searching through the school?”

Boohoo for poor rich boy, she rolls her eyes, making a short detour to her locker, getting her gym clothes for later on so she would not have to make two trips for nothing. She stuffs her personal file in her bag, cursing when she hits the locker door by accident, great, another bruise.

Joohyun enters the classroom, heading straight to her usual seat, already exhausted at the thought of studying. Miyoung is smiling at her phone, while Taeyeon is fast asleep, using her books as a pillow. She hears Baekhyun laughing at something Zitao is saying, she is glad everything has gotten back to normal. She looks around the classroom, the camp seemed to have a positive effect, she no longer finds herself judging them by their previous school's identity.

She turns towards the back of the classroom where the guys are dribbling a basketball among themselves. Where did they get the energy from? It is hardly seven a.m. and they are bursting with energy. She finds herself looking at Yonghwa, replying his beaming smile with a smaller one. She reaches for the necklace around the neck, breaking eye contact first, fiddling it between her fingers.

“What's that?” Mina peers into Joohyun’s fingers as she instantly puts it back into her shirt.

“Nothing.” She replies which is as good as a ‘ off’.

She never got around returning it to him, every time she would hand it out to him, he refused to take it back so she just kept it, or that is what she tells herself whenever she grasp it in her hand when she is having a hard time alone at home; it keeps her calm for some reason.

The door slams open and instead of their homeroom teacher, it was a couple of seniors whom Joohyun finds a bit familiar then she remembers her encounter with Hongki on the last day of the camp. True enough, he slips through them, causing some of the girls to squeal in excitement. He clears his throat, eyeing the entire class before stopping at Joohyun’s confused gaze.

Great.

He saunters to her desk and she is ready to fight him if needed. She does not really get along with her seniors, especially male students.

“Who the are you?” She spits out, crossing her arms defensively in front of her. A few gasps coming from the former FNC students, followed by murmurings.

“You don’t know who he is?” One of the guys scoffs as if he has heard the most ridiculous thing ever.

“Should I?”

Another scoff. She is enjoying this, how Hongki’s face is turning into a slight fury, faking a laugh to mask it. “You’re lucky you’re a girl.” He mocks, causing Joohyun to kick her desk towards them, as if she would back down from rich brats who uses money to get everything they want instead of working for it.

“Really? I could beat your glittered asses anytime, just name when and where.” She smirks, “Oh, and be careful not to break any of your manicured tips.”

Hongki scoffs, leaving for his henchmen to do the dirty work, Joohyun sees the ways his hands tremble as he pushes them in his pockets. He is so easy to see through, nothing more but a malingerer.

Yonghwa stands up, pushing his chair back before he approaches them. “That’s enough.” He whispers in her ears, causing her to jump a little from the unexpected close contact.

“Who are you to tell me that? You’re not my mother.”

The same guy steps forward, trying to push her over the edge. “Do you even have one?” And he does.

Without any warning, she charges for the one nearest her, pulling him up to his feet despite being a few inches taller than her, almost tearing his collar. The first punch hits his jaw, causing him to stumble into his friend.

“!” Miyoung screams, trying to grab hold of her friend, but she is far too strong for her. Taeyeon shoves the other guys away, making her way towards the fight. Yixing jumps forward, protecting her from receiving any blows from Hongki’s clique.

“Joohyun! Listen to me! Let go of him.” Baekhyun shouts over the cries of pain, prying her iron grips on his shirt.

Yonghwa could not take it anymore, he pushes the others away despite their initial resistance. “Joohyun.” He stands firm, placing his arms on her shoulders. “Let go of him.”

Her breathing is loud and heavy, tears continuously falling down her cheeks as she stares the student in her grip who is obviously fearing for his life.

“I can take him! Come on, fight me! You wanted this, am I right?” She shouts in his face, causing him to yelp. “Weren’t you talking just now? What? Cat’s got your tongue? ing answer me!”

Yonghwa takes another step closer to her, holding her in a tight embrace, repeating her name sternly, pulling her arms back, Yonghwa continues whispering into her ears, no one else could hear them, but the way Joohyun is loosening her grip in her senior’s collar is clear to everyone; this has never happened before.

“Ho- how di- did you?” Miyoung is the first to ask, around the same time Joohyun is trembling, turning to Yonghwa for comfort.

“ off,” Baekhyun demands, “unless you want to break your face.” Sure, the camp helped them to bond but this exact situation explains how different were their childhood had been. The FNC students still in fear while the SM students move to clear the mess, and chasing the seniors with brooms, telling them to stay out of their way or else.

Baekhyun digs into Joohyun’s bag for her first-aid kit, scrambling through it without finding anything. “Here.” Baekhyun had to take a double take at Minhyuk’s offer.

“Thank you.”

“Can I take a look at her knuckles?” Yonghwa sits Joohyun down in her seat, brushing her hair off her face, holding her face in his hands, checking for any injuries. Minhyuk holds her right fist, turning it over, letting a relieved sigh.

“She didn’t break any of her bones, just a slight tearing of her skin.”

“She’s used to that. All of us are.” Baekhyun answers, disheartedly.

Yonghwa ties her hair in a low ponytail, reaching for facial wipes to wipe away her dried up tears. The class is much more calmer now, the tables have been arranged back to normal. Zitao packs her bag for her, putting it aside.

“I'll send her home.” Taeyeon offers, “She's going to be suspended again anyways.”

“Again?” Minhyuk repeats.

“I told you, we're used to it. We aren't like you guys, this is a common thing in our school.”

 

For them, they do not fear any authority figure since young or even had any sense of responsibility. They lived for the day, not a single worry under the sun.

Instead of learning multiple languages, they learnt not to say anything unless they wanted a fight in their hands. Instead of learning mathematics, they counted every single hit in their mind to distract themselves from the excruciating pain. Instead of learning that everyone is different in their own ways, they learnt to blend in or they would get shot for appearing different - they see it as a threat.

They could list a million and one things they would wish upon their enemies, but it would not be anything from their upbringing. It is cruel, yet they managed to survive their childhood, but they would pick death over anything if they could. 

Police cars drove past like it was a daily routine, rounding up teenage runaways, forgotten toys in the trash bins, trying to restore peace into the neighborhood instead of letting they dwindle down even further, burying themselves from the chaos.

She, however, found her own way out - terribly scarred, but still alive.

 

Yonghwa dials for Sunwoong, telling him to come by the school in twenty minutes, and hangs up before he could question any further. He walks up to the private stall, knocking three times to let them know it is him, Taeyeon unlocks the door, peeking her head out, letting him know they are almost done.

Minhyuk pulls his collar, and drags him outside of the toilet. “I don’t want you to be labelled as a ert.” He explains, petting down his messed up hair.

He hums, checking his watch for the time before crossing his arms in impatience.

“Hey,” Minhyuk calls out, “are you in love with her?”

Instead of rambling, he is silent, shaking his head in confusion. “Relax, you’ll figure it out. You always do.” He gives him an assuring smile, and changes the topic.

Once they emerge, he takes Joohyun in his hands, she is practically drowning in his jersey. She does not look at him but he hears a soft thank you, and he takes her bag.

“Please take care of her!” Taeyeon waves them goodbye, Miyoung reminds Joohyun to answer the group chat once she is home or she would come over herself.

 

Sunwoong holds the door out for her and she feels awful, telling him it was okay, she could do it herself, but he refused, it is his job to do so. She reluctantly nods, getting in the backseat and Yonghwa joins her on the other side. He pulls her seatbelt on for her, letting her adjust it herself before instructing Sunwoong to take them to her place, repeating her address for him, going through it twice just in case.

 

He does not know where he could go, standing by her door after closing it. Joohyun told him to make himself at home, but where? The one-room apartment leaves nothing to the imagination. A worn-out mattress on its wooden flooring, with a pile of blankets surrounding it.

It is freezing, he realises after Joohyun emerges with hot tea. He steps into the kitchen, the cabinets look like they are on the verge of falling off.

“Sorry, it's unpleasant for someone like you to stay here. You can leave soon, I'll be okay.” She speaks up after seeing how uncomfortable he looks.

He shakes his head, covering it with a smile. “It's just… different.”

“Yeah, we're very different people, with very contrasting backgrounds. Please do me a favor and never talk to me ever again.” She wraps her fingers around her cup.

“What? But why?”

She sighs. “You know why, it's not good for you to mix around with us - we're bad company. With the rumors going around, your parents are bound to find out and it will cause your families to have a bad reputation.”

Yonghwa knows she might be right, but he does not care. Maybe Minhyuk is right, he is in love with her all this time and he was blinded by the chaos surrounding them and he could not to wonder if she felt the same about him.

Joohyun is a paradox, it is confusing to say the least and he finds himself wanting to understand her better, to unravel her bit by bit. He wants to experience true love, not a contract deal like his parents.

She takes his silence as agreement, putting her cup aside, motioning to the door, but he catches her off-guard. Pulling her in a kiss, wrapping his hands around her waist, and she kisses back.

“I love you.” He says after they separate for air, and Joohyun feels butterflies in her stomach instead of churning pain and wonders if this is love?

say yes

“Are you telling her?” Minhyuk asks, separating the pickles from his burger. Baekhyun suggested they have burgers for lunch and who is Minhyuk to reject that idea?

Yonghwa takes a huge bite from his, ignoring the question. Joohyun returns to their table with her tray, grinning when she shows him the toy she had bought. She passes it to him, telling him it is his. Yonghwa laughs. thanking her for it.

It has been months since they first kissed, and there has been significant difference in the way Joohyun behaves now. She is much more comfortable with them, sometimes talking about how she misses her family and such. In return, Yonghwa takes her to carnivals, one-day trips to make up for lost years.

And how his best friend has changed, it is amazing how in less than a year he stops causing trouble for others. including himself. Just in case Yonghwa could not stop him, he could count on Baekhyun to do it instead.

Yonghwa laughs at something Joohyun said, wiping the sauce on her lips. He figures he should not ruin their happiness, what she does not know would not kill her.

 

He had told his parents regarding her, his mother is happy for him, said Joohyun is actually willing to endure his lame jokes and they laughed. His father did not say anything when Yonghwa showed a picture of them together.

His mother was already planning their wedding, better early than never. Yonghwa remarks that she mixed the phrases and she shushed him. When she left to get more water, he looked over to his father with piercing eyes.

“She doesn't recognises you, and it would be better if you guys wouldn't, am I right? You wouldn't have to explain it to mother.”

He took a sip of his wine, waiting for a reply.

His father got up suddenly, “As long as your mother doesn't find out, I won't say anything.”

“Good.”

 

“No, I'm not telling her.” He whispers to himself, “For her happiness, and mine.”

Joohyun stops walking, “Did you say something?”

He smiles, pulling her closer. “Just how beautiful you look.”

Joohyun cringes, mocking him by repeating it. He playfully bites her cheek, making her giggle and god, how he wants to hear that all his life.

 

“I love you, really.” She says, hours later when he is sound asleep. It is not their first time sleeping together, warm under the same blanket. However, it is the first time she initiated it.

The night silence answers her, clutching him tightly, wondering if he would leave her like everyone did. No, he would not, she trusts him with her remaining years alive.

“I love you."

 

a/n: did you make it out alive okay thank god i'm thinkig about making a sequel but i ran out of ideas so it might take me a while to write that