CH.1 ♕ 082007

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08042007 AT 10:47 PM  //  Jeon Sunyoung

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Days, weeks, months have passed since preparations began for the upcoming debut of Goddess—the ingenious thought was made as our official name as soon it was mentioned to Jooyoung. We've been super busy all this time, euphemistically speaking, working to the brink of our mental, physical, and emotional capacities. The five hours we spent in dance practice doubled to ten just as the four hours we spent in vocal practice doubled to eight and the two-day weekend decreased to one.

Kaeseul, the poor girl, had the worst of it all. Ever since Dynamic Duo's album came out in May, the PR department has been receiving hundreds of phone calls regarding the mysterious Woollim Entertainment trainee who got featured in one of the most respected duos in all of South Korea.

The company responded mildly, as if to flaunt in a subtle manner the talent our agency had, but soon chose to end the infinite amount of questioning by holding a photoshoot especially for Kaeseul and releasing the photos on the company site. Since then we've been flooded by requests of photoshoots for magazines and endorsement offers. There have been a few cases of her being invited into Star King and since sajangnim believes that starting our promotional period early would benefit, she's guested and sang. Somehow she managed weave her solo schedule into the group's schedule without severing from her roots and still remaining the soft Kaeseul we all knew or damaging her health, which I'm sure the three of us respected.

The rest of us may not have been quite as busy, but the process did take a toll on our lives. I had to quit my part-time job because the weekends were all I had left to just rest and have been willing for our debut to come faster for the income. Money doesn't exactly grows on trees—not even to those who need it the most. Yoonkyung, whose dad's home was a mere twenty-minute bus ride away, could barely even fathom the thought of walking to the bus stop from the dorm. Minji dropped out of school and began to be tutored like the rest of us, though her social skills aren't exactly being disturbed.

Needless to say its been difficult. But it's the moments like this that I want to bow down to my younger self for choosing this path.

I glanced up at the mirror, watching as skilled hands reapplied the ruby red hue on my lips—I had just finished shooting my individual scenes for the Madonna music video and had been touched-up for the upcoming dance sequence and changed into the fourth outfit. Once the makeup artist pried her hands off my face and nodded in content of her work, I chose to give myself a once-over. I actually looked good, beautiful, even. Running a careful hand through the ends of my curled hair, I tilt my head in different angles, testing if this beauty was an illusion.

It wasn't.

Yoonkyung crossed the room to stand over me, gingerly her eyelashes with a slight frown. She moved closer to the mirror and poked at them. "I feel like a with these fake lashes," she muttered. Whipping her head to stare at me, she pouted. "Do I look like a ?"

"Yes," was my immediate response, poker face in tact; she still isn't quite on my good side yet, wherever that may be, but I am aware that we need to act civilly, especially in front of any cameras.. She frowned deeply. "But we all look like s right now. This amount of gold and red and glitter could make the most innocent girl look like a ."

She considered this before shrugging and patting my shoulder. "I guess. But my sister's debut is tomorrow and I was wondering if you guys wanted to come with. We're all free tomorrow anyways."

I considered this for a second, weighing my options. I could either willingly go but be forced to socialize with the whole lot of them or I could refuse and go to sleep instead but be forced to go and socialize anyways. Sighing inwardly, I realized either way they would be able to find a method in getting me there. Might as well take the easier way out. "I suppose. Ask the other two." 

Her eyes widened, although only slightly, as if she was surprised by my decision. Couldn't blame her though because she was completely aware that I don't exactly love her. "Oh," she muttered, slight signs of a smile dancing on her lips. "Okay, thank you."

At that moment Minji's voice started up again over the stereos. They're probably shooting her parts again, considering how she accidentally tripped over the wiring for the lights during her first take. Even with that face she wasn't able to avoid the disappointed albeit understanding looks on the crew's faces as they called a ten-minute break for her to gather her nerves. They acknowledged our rookie titles and gave her a break, but I assume only for this time around.

In the mirror I spotted Kaeseul, looking as elegant as ever amongst the golden material of her dress despite the sweat running down the side of her face, holding a water bottle tightly in one hand and a towel in the other, eyes shut tight.  She let out a breath before opening her eyes, finding mine in an instant. She smiled a small smile, and I almost didn't see the fatigue in her eyes as I beckoned her to us. She followed suit.

Yoonkyung acknowledged her presence by wrapping a soft hand on her bicep and gently squeezing. "You were great. I think we'd have to start calling you One-shot Sseul with that performance," she commented jokingly.

Kaeseul brought her hand up to and laughed softly, her eyes shining. "I'd rather you not. It makes me sound like an assassin or something."

"All joking aside though, I saw your shots and teaser photos and you looked like you were glowing, I kid you not."  Yoonkyung sighed, pinching the junction between her eyebrows. "These are the times I wish I had bronze skin, seriously."

The younger stepped out of the five-inch heels and let out an airy breath of relief, a light rosy blush apparent on her cheeks. "Either way, you still have to endure these painful feet-murderers, so I really don't know what you're complaining about." She frowned, unscrewing the cap on her water bottle. "Where's maknae?"

I jerked my head to the side. "Filming. She'll be done soon." I wasn't exactly sure if that was true because she has the most parts, but I was reassured as I glanced back on the set. There she stood, charming smile, clear voice, and all, in front of the huge camera. As requested by Jeongyeop, we all had sung our parts live while filming each and every scene, and she was nailing everything judging from the relieved expressions of the crew.

"Alright, cut!" the director exclaimed as the talking resumed on set. "We'll take ten before we shoot the dance sequence, and then we're officially then we're done."

Minji stalked over to us in all her exhausted glory, dragging her feet as much as her heels permitted. "Someone order two large pizzas please."

As if he heard her, the director gave us a dirty look from across the room. "No eating until later."

Minji rolled her eyes at this and let out a whine, taking the water bottle I held out to her. "I need food. I can't eat celery anymore, it's killing me. Please, just sneak a box in, please," she pled softly, eyes begging.

Yoonkyung bit her lip. "Sorry, kid. This is a closed set. No one gets in or out without being noticed."

She collapsed on the makeup chair beside mine and let out an exasperated groan. For a few moments we all just stared at her, perfectly relating to her predicaments and yet trying to get over this ridiculous starvation before she lifted up her tote bag and dug for her baggie of celeries. "Anyone want?"

"I'll take one," Kaeseul said. She joined Minji, taking one in her hands before sighing herself and taking a bite gingerly. "But just think about it this way, guys," she began. "In two months' time we could be eating more regular meals instead of just celery and water and still be well known as the fit rookie idols, for what it's worth."

That's Kaeseul for you, always trying to find the good in things. "I suppose so."

But I wanted so badly to demand, 'What if we aren't well known, period? What if we don't even make it to the top 100 singles?' It's hard not to think so negatively and if I was to ask them, I would be dismissed as sounding completely ridiculous or as the fatigue getting to me. But it can't just be because of the twelve hours we've been on set or the three costume, hair, and makeup changes becuse it's a thought that has yet to leave my mind from four months ago.

Just, what if we aren't good  enough? What if we aren't up to par with the expectations Jooyoung sajangnim, Jeongyeop-sshi, or the other Woollim artists have for us? What if we become a black hole in our company? 

I shake these thoughts off.

I can't afford to be thinking this way when our debut is just around the corner.

"I've really been wondering," Minji mumbled, her eyes shut tight, "Will we be as good as them?"

Yoonkyung let out an airy breath. "Do we have any other choice but to try? Epik High, Nell, Ji Sun, Jooyoung sajangnim, Jeongyeop-sshi—they expect so much from us and the least we can do to pay them back is to just get the word out there about us and build our popularity and improve little by little. The company is at it's prime right now, and we can't let Goddess be the one to hold them back, can we?"

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08052007 AT 02:06 PM // Lee Minji

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"Maknaaee~"

Beside me, Sunyoung groaned and took hold of the remote, increasing the volume. I laughed before glancing up from the television screen towards Yoonkyung who was sitting up on my bunk, suspiciously fiddling with something in her hands.

Sunyoung haphazardly swatted at me, eyes glued to the television, and muttered under her breath, "Just ignore her and all will be well."

"She's so persistent though," I muttered back and got a snort in return. 

"Whaat?" I then called back to our eldest, though unnecesarily because she was literally three feet away, but it's the thought that counts. I guess.

Her eyes found mine, and I almost cowered back at the mischief in her eyes. Almost six months of living together but still not used to that look. Whenever it surfaced something embarrassing was bound to happen. You can't blame me for being intimidated.

"What?" I repeated, feeling proud when my voice didn't crack. She finally showed me the mysterious object in her hands and I almost cried. In her hand was my cellphone, opened up to what seemed like my messages. Oh, my god, what could she possibly want from there? Either way, I was ready to jump her any second, rising to my feet.

"Would you like to me to read your latest text message?" she inquired almost merrily, turning her attention to the device.

I tensed. Who knew what the message could have read with the people on my contacts list. I half ran, half walked and climbed up to my bunk and tried to snatch it out of her hands. "No, unni, I'm good," I replied, grunting partly at her refusal and partly at the way she shoved at my face. 

"O~okay, here it is," she sang, showing no sign of struggle at my (poor) attempts of retrieving my phone. "'From choding'," she read. "Oh, who is this?" Glancing at me, she pondered for a millisecond before shrugging her shoulder nonchalantly and answered herself, "I guess we'll find out! Anyways, 'Ya, you doin'—'"

Before she got the chance to finish, Kaeseul came in and swiped the device out of her hands while simultaeneuosly pushing us two apart. "You two are acting like children," she lectured. "Stop." She gave the both of us a disapproving glance. "Come on, we've gotta leave now or else we'd end up in the back. We still need to get them their flowers."

Slightly before dismissing us, she sighed and handed me back my phone; Yoonkyung made a sound of disapproval at this. I stuffed it in my bra before anything else could happen to it. "If you want to keep your secrets," Kaeseul whispered, though aware that Yoonkyung could hear her. "Keep that thing away from her."

Yoonkyung jumped down from my bunk and scoffed, thumping the both of us lightly on the head. "Puh-lease," she began. "I'm not like that."

I bumped my hips against hers. "Apparently you are, Miss I-have-a-seroius-case-of-too-much-curiosity." She scoffed again before putting an arm around Kaeseul and walking toward the door, though I saw her eyes dancing in humor.

As Kaeseul and Yoonkyung walked out of the apartment, Sunyoung stood up as I passed her. "You know, Joong-sshi will be upset that we're dragging him out for this." 

I grinned and linked our arms, not missing the way she didn't even bother to shove me away anymore as she usually did. "He doesn't show it, but he's totally in love with us." 

She clicked her tongue, reaching for her cell phone and keys resting on the couch and dragging me out the door. "How can you tell? He's like a bundle of unresolved conflict."

I considered this for a second because it was true. Out of all our managers, Joong-sshi probably has the most difficult job, though I wouldn't really admit it aloud, because I'm the youngest and therefore conceived as the most immature. This is really arguable because honestly Yoonkyung and I are just about even, but anyways. He's also the eldest and most respected because of his time with H.O.T. but also the one with most responsibility on his shoulders. "To be honest, you can just tell with him. Or I can. I don't know, whatever."

"As long as he doesn't sabotage us somewhere down the line then it's whatever."

It was an unlikely thought, so I let it slip from my mind.

But he really wouldn't do that, would he?

From: Choding

ya~~ u doin nything 2day????

To: Choding

yes. gonna buy a dictionary and throw it at your face. why?

From: Choding

hahahahahahaaaha ur so funny nd i h8 u. no srsly tho r u?

To: Choding

i think we've already established that. i'm actually going to inki to watch snsd's debut stage with the unnis. why, what do you want from my life?

From: Choding

i wanted 2 go 2 lotte. w/u. bUT w/e ill go w/the hyungs. have fun byee

We were all crammed in Joong-sshi's personal five-seater car and when we weren't talking amongst ourselves and causing a big racket that would make even Miyeon unni want to smash her head into a brick wall, we were complaining about the heat because the air conditioner was broken although all the windows were cranked all the way down. Summers here are so humid and hot and just makes every single one of us want to be in Alaska right now.

But even this heat isn't taking my mind off of what Sungyeol had said. 

Aside from the atrocious grammar and spelling, his message was pretty clear. I think. He was going to ask me out. I think.

Honestly though, why me? I'm a clown and he's an overexaggerrated clown. Everybody knows that a 'clown plus clown' combination just won't work out because one or the other or both won't take the relationship seriously. And we've been friends for over two years; that amount of friendship just cannot go down the drain if things between us eventually end up horribly wrong.

Plus. Since when were there things between us?

I felt an elbow to the rib and turned to glare at Yoonkyung. "What?" I softly demanded.

Despite the harshness, she calmly pointed at my forehead. "You're overthinking and glaring off into space again. What's wrong?"

It was then that I realized I've been glaring all this time and immediately relaxed my facial muscles. Should I tell her? Is it even worth voicing out? I mean, she is older and therefore should know more about feelings than me, right? Plus, she'd eventually find a way to get it out of me. Sighing, I replied by opening up my phone and showing her his messages. "Do they mean anything to  you?" I whispered.

She took it out of my hands, probably feeling a slight triumph at getting some slice of my personal life. "Aside from the fact that he needs a serious writing tutor?"

"Yes, aside from that."

At that moment, Joong-sshi spoke up. "I really don't understand why you're draggin me along when there's Goonjung who's like a decade younger than me."

In attempt to distract myself from my current predicament, I slipped off my seatbelt and reached forward to tap Joong-sshi's cheek. "Because you're the best and because you have a lot of experience with music programs, duh." I slid back to my seat in between Yoonkyung and Sunyoung before whispering, "And because Goonjung-sshi is too stressed about the smallest things."

From the passenger's seat, Kaeseul turned around and frowned. "He's getting better though," she mumbled. "He isn't as jumpy and stressed out over anything and everything anymore."

"Very true," Sunyoung added. "In fact, I don't see any more grey hairs growing out."

Kaeseul let out a snort so completely unlike her that we all ended up howling in laughter as she tried to say, "He left his phone on in front of me while he went to use the bathroom at a meeting with sajangnim and Jeongyeop-sshi once and he was telling his friend that he got his hair dyed at this salon his sister recommended."

Dabbing at the edges of her eyes with the hand not holding my cell phone, Yoonkyung shrieked. "That just seems so like him, wanting to cover up any imperfections. I bet he's worried we didn't notice his new do, though."

Sunyoung exhaled, and I saw the faintest of smiles on her face. "The sad part is that I think that, too."

I laughed and hooked my arms with both of the girls' on either side of me. "I'm so glad we're getting along so well."

"Have fun while it lasts, kid; this only happens once every blue moon," Sunyoung pointed out, and we all calmed down after those words left . I'm pretty sure we were thinking the same thing: weren't we supposed to be forming an impecable friendship no one could break like other idol groups and idol groups in the making were?

Unknowingly, my grip tightened and I soon found Sunyoung uncurling my fingers off her arm. She placed my hand on my lap and gave me a slight smile before shutting her eyes for some much needed rest.

Yoonkyung, on the other hand, placed my mobile on my lap. She leaned in to whisper something in my ear, but it was so faint that I didn't catch a thing. Pulling back, she smiled, and that familiar glint was back in her eyes. It made part of me unsure of my decision to tell her about my predicament, but the other half was glad that there was a sense of comfort in her gaze.

But before turning her head to glance out the window, she mouthed, "Later," and I nodded.

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08052007 AT 4:56 PM // Shin Kaeseul

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"I'm sorry, miss. No pass means no entry."

Yoonkyung gave the security guard blocking the doors leading backstage a look of disbelief, completely emotionally and physically exhausted. Amongst the loud noise of the crowd that had gathered by the entrance in hopes of slipping backstage, she took a deep breath, to steady herself, and Sunyoung inched closer behind me to whisper a 'here it comes,' before leaning up against the wall. I nodded in reply, because here it came indeed.

"Look," she began, "My friends and I have been waiting out here for almost an hour. My sister is one of the performers in the show and I believe that gives me the privelege to go backstage and congratulate her and her group, does it not?"

The guard's jaw tightened, and I'm sure his eyes narrowed behind the dark sunglasses. "Well, miss, it certainly does not. I apologize, but no entry without a pass means no entry." With that, he backed up to the door, twisting the knobs open, and shut it behind him with a loud thump. It silenced a lot of the lot of people with us as well as it did Yoonkyung.

A person behind me, a shorter girl with ebony hair, tapped my shoulder. "Who are you and your group here for?" she asked. I looked back at the fuming Yoonkyung, the indifferent Sunyoung, and the animated Minji. "Girls Generation. You?"

Her eyes widened. "Really? If you don't mind me asking, is your friend's sister Im Yoona unni?"

My eyes narrowed. How did this stranger find out about Yoona's relationship to Yoonkyung? "Yes, actually," I answered cautiously, "this one over here is her older sister."

"That's so cool!" she squealed, earning dirty looks from the other strangers gathered here and, if I looked back, from Sunyoung as well. The girl didn't seem to notice, as she continued on her exaggerated movements and swooped in to shake my hand. "Well then any friends of the unnis are friends of mine." Saluting, she continued, "Park Sunyoung at your service."

Minji peered in from behind me, her hands gripping at my bicep. "So you know them as well?" The girl, the other Sunyoung, looked offended, a hand flying to her heart.

"Know them?" she asked in disbelief, staring down our maknae in a kind of slight disgust that made me want to shoo Minji further behind me. "I trained with them myself!"

Minji pursed her lips, fully stepping out beside me, hands on hips. "Well you really didn't have to be so rude about it, ya know?"

"Then you, girl, should've thought your words out more thoroughly," the other Sunyoung replied. Turning away, she crossed her arms and harrumphed, glaring at Minji through the corner of her eyes. "It should be quite obvious that I trained with them, shouldn't it be? How else would I know all nine of them?"

Our Sunyoung let out an exasperrated sigh and pushed herself off the wall she was leaning against. "Can't get a momentof silence anywhere," she muttered under her breath as she passed me on her way to stand between the other Sunyoung and Minji. "You two," she all but ordered, "apologize to each other for being rude."

The other Sunyoung scowled. "No way!" she exclaimed. "She started it!"

Before Minji could muster a reply, the door burst open, revealing a made-up Yoona still in her frilly white skirt and white hoodie. Her concentrated expression immediately transformed to one that cried relief and excitement and just plain contentment. She all but tackeld Yoonkyung in a bear hug, laughing in delight, before waving at the rest of us. "Unni, Sunyoung, Kaeseul, Minji..." she muttered, the smile never fading from her face. "You all made it!"

"Oh, my god, Yoonkyung, get over it. And you're our eldest?"

Snickering to herself, Minji added, "Yeah! Build a bridge and get over it!"

With a sickeningly sweet smile, Yoonkyung pinched the maknae's cheek, and I think those are tears gathering at Minji's eyes. "It's so cute how you think you're funny, little one. But I swear, he was the rudest thing though! He so deserved it!" Yoonkyung glared at both Sunyoung and Minji, and pretty rightfully so. On our way to Girls Generation's dressing room, we passed the security guard who refused to grant us entry backstage and no one missed the way Yoonkyung glared at him in that 'I told you so' way. He had enough dignity to at least bow his head slightly before looking away. 

Sunyoun rolled her eyes and smirked. "Whatever you say."

Turning her attention back to the other girls, Yoonkyung exclaimed, "No, but seriously that kick is so badass!"

Taeyeon, the eldest, laughed. No, she guffawed, head thrown back, slapping her knee and all at Yoonkyung's comment. After spending so much time standing, we were all finally sitting, gathered in a large circle on the floor of Girls Generation's dressing room because that was the only place we could all fit. 

"But seriously though," Taeyeon continued, wiping the corner of her eyes, a huge smile still on her lips, "I feel like I made so many mistakes."

"Me, too," Joohyun gasped, fiddling with the ends of her hair. She was the quietest of all so far, besides Sunyoung and me of course. But it seemed to be fair because this is the first time we're all officially gathering together. For so long, our schedules conflicted with each other, but I'm so glad it's at this moment that we're finally meeting in particular because this is such a milestone for them, like it will be for us.

Now if only us girls who've never met before could socialize like those who have.

I felt a light shove from my right at that moment, and I looked up to ask what was the matter but instead I met with an outstretched hand a contagious smile. "Hyoyeon. Kim Hyoyeon. You?"

"Shin Kaeseul, sadly not related to Shindong," I muttered, smiling back and mentally patting myself on the back for saying something almost funny because she cackled in return. 

She then leaned back so that her weight was supported by the palms of her hands. "So how's the debut process been for you?"

I thought about this for a moment. How was it going? "Well," I began cautiously, "it's been great, I suppose. I'm not injured, we're not fighting too excessively, so it's been great. The only apparent problem is the dorm, but I honestly have no problem with it. The smaller the dorm, the more time we get to spend with each other, is how I see it. That way fighting will be as rare as a blue diamond."

"I get you," she replied, nodding her head. "Not that we've actually fought a lot because of member rotations and stuff. It's been great, don't get me wrong, but it really would have been nice to actually know who the members were from the beginning to the end so that we wouldn't have to make false judgements and get closer earlier in the process."

"I understand," I said, "I actually wanted to ask something."

"Shoot."

"Well, we've got teaser pictures and I've advertisements coming out by this month and then a predebut single next month. Is it difficult to be in that spotlight when we haven't been truly introduced yet?"

Hyoyeon considered this for a moment before making a face. "Actually, I shouldn't really be the one to ask. If you want a thorough answer, ask Yoona or someone more popular and with more training time. But I think it is. I mean, you really aren't putting much of yourself out there, and the rest that you are eventually going to put out will temporarily be filled by  either discrimination or praise form the public. You can't really direct their opinions to be positive, so that's what makes it difficult."

She looked as if there was so much more she wanted to say, and I looked up at the clock, which read 5:04 PM, and then back at the circle of girls, and then back at Hyoyeon. Well, we have time.

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08062007 AT 12:34 AM // Im Yoonkyung

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"So what's this with Sungyeol?"

Minji looked up at me, not exactly looking uncomfortable and not exactly looking like the free spirit she usually would be.

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

She grasped the railings tightly and glanced up at the starless sky, no doubt thinking that if stars were actually visible, this very spot would be perfect to view them. Aside from the grungy look and feel and the funky smell, the roof wasn't actually a bad place at all. "Honestly, I don't know. I've never felt like he showed any other feelings for me besides platonic ones, but now I'm not so sure. Like, it feels like he was trying to ask me out," she strained out, making wild gestures with her hands. "Do you get me?" 

I nodded my head. "Perfectly." I leaned up against the railings as well befor econtinuing, "But is there something wrong with him possibly liking you?"

"The thing is that we're such good friends and I've seen him as a sister would her brother and I don't think we should be doing anything to strain what we have because I really like it the way it is now." She sighed. "Plus there's the thing about him being way too immature and me being way too immature. Like, sometimes I look at him and it isn't too bad, but then I look long enough and actually pay attention and realize how much of a clown he is, and I don't think I'm into that. And then there's the fact that I'm way too young and that, oh yeah, we're debuting in two months! Career and family over anything else, I say."

"You're so silly," I retorted, slightly letting out a laugh, "No matter what, love will prevail."

It managed to get a laugh out of her. "Where'd you get that one from this time?"

I frowned at her, albeit sarcastically, and bumped our hips together. "But has the thought that maybe you're reading way too much into this ever cross your mind? That maybe he actually just wanted to go as friends, nothing above, nothing less?"

This got her silent, glaring at the buildings on the skyline. "I haven't actually." She glanced up at me, looking 100% worried. "What if I am blowing this out of proportion? What does that isgnify?"

"I don't know, to be honest," I admitted., plopping my chin on my knuckles. "Maybe a little part of you might like him, maybe a little part of you wants something more than friendship as a way of rebelling just one more time before we really have to buckle down and follow all these rules?"

My answer didn't seem to please her, as her frown deepened. We were silent for the next few minutes that followed before we returned to bed. She let out another sigh and linked our arms together, dragging me towards the staircase.

"Maybe you're right, but I don't actually want to do much abou it because I'm starting to think he might just have been asking me for the lack of a better person to go with. I can't afford to be thinking like this, so carelessly and without demanding an explanation first, when we're so close to debuting. None of us can."

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