Author: I'm sorry that it took so long. And it's not even a long update, not even remarkebly good. Anyway thought I'd upload it.

I'll try to upload the next part sooner. Finally got some time to write & hopefully my writer's block won't act up.

Sorry again.

A sharp ringing tore him out of sleep. He turned the clock off and closed his eyes again, a sigh escaped his lips before he opened his brown eyes and got up. He felt tired to the bones, the sleep didn’t help at all, but he still got up, because it was his job.

Why, he asked himself. Why do I get up at such an hour, what is the reason for that? Is it because the company set the schedule like this? But why do I get up in general, what is the reason to get up in the morning, the purpose?

He shuffled to the kitchen and sat down, but instead of eating he just pecked at his food.

“Are you not hungry?” Jongin asked him quietly, disturbing the silence.

Sehun jolted out of his thoughts and looked at his bandmate, whom unexpectedly had asked him a question.

Am I, he asked himself, if he was being honest he didn’t know. Actually when he was being honest he didn’t know anything, if he was hungry or not, what he felt about this huge mess with the band and the entertainment, about the members who left, about their too stressful schedule and too little sleep. This whole mess was just too much.

“Hun try at least to eat something, ok?” He heard Jongin say quietly while he send him a small smile and his fingers through Sehuns hair. Sehun blinked a few times to process what the other had said, then he forced some bites of rice down his throat. Shortly before their manager picked them up and they had a stressful day as always.

Sehun went with the flow of the day, did as he was told and didn’t ask any questions, fulfilled the orders without resistance. But inside he felt hollow, empty and everything around him felt irrelevant.

When they came home the sun was gone long ago and the sky was black, except for the moon, who shone his shallow light down on earth. Sehun let his body fall on the mattress. He was worn out and incredibly tired. He rolled himself together in ball and covered his entire body with the blanket, as if creating a nest. As if shutting down the world around, having a barrier between him and the world outside.

He lay awoke there, incredibly tired and still not able to sleep. His mind was running wild, there was so much on his mind but he couldn’t get a grasp on. So he decided to get up and go to the roof to get some fresh air. Slowly he distangled himself out of the blanked and as quiet as possible he left the room and the dorm, then the others were already in deep slumber.

Outside the fresh air hit him unexpected in the face as he slowly climbed up the stairs to the roof. There the wind blew harsher and slightly colder.

This is what freedom has to feel like, he thought, extended his arms and enjoyed the feeling of the cold air on his face while the wind tousled his hair. He looks up at the sky, the pitch back sky were the stars should be seen, but the city lights are too bright, even in the night.

Looking at this entire blackness above him, Sehun feels small. Incredibly small.

►

The next morning was like the day prior. Nothing special or out of the ordinary.

He felt as tired as before and according to the faces around him, he was not the only one.

Soon their manager came and their day began. It all happened in a blur. There was nothing remarkably eventful, just like the day before appointment after appointment with little, to non-existing breaks where all the members tried to catch some sleep or food. Sehun felt an emptiness in him like a black hole. There were no feelings, no emotions, no thoughts, absolute nothing. It was as if he’d been a corpse, even so he was still alive.

Like he was the spectator in a cinema and the movie he watched is called ‘Life’. He didn’t fit in, there was no place for him here. Exo was training hard, giving their all and he was just standing by.

They were driving to a fansign and Sehun dreaded the event since he expected the emotional exhaustion from it. He would have to wear a mask and act all happy and smiling as if it was the brightest day on earth. And it was as he expected. Exo were all smiles, jokes and radiating happiness for their fans. It was incredibly exhausting and Sehun wanted to cry so badly, it was too much. Everything was too much. All those demands from the company and how they had to be, all those expectations from the fans and their managers and trainers and everyone else. Sehun felt small and alone and suffocating. A whirlwind of emotions, but in front of him was a girl who demanded his attention and he put a blinding smile on his face and signed her shirt and CD’s. His shaking hands unnoticed.

This night Sehun went on the roof again and let his emotions free. The tears were running down his cheeks and painful sops and whimpers left his mouth, which carried all the pain he had buried in his heart. All those unspoken emotions which he had to hide and couldn’t show the world, not even his family or Exo. He didn’t want to burden them since they had their own problems and stress. He didn’t want to add to that with his trivial emotional whirlwind.

And up on the roof, with the only witness being the hidden stars and the wind carrying away all his sorrow he felt free, accepted and comforted.