Authors note: Sorry for the grammer and mistakes in writing

Be warned, there are some swearwords and yeah it's pretty bad.. I tried I guess

Thx for all who subscribed! I'd love to know what all who read it think of it and if you'd rather have a happy end or not.

EXO is falling apart. Slowly but steadily. And it’s taking a toll on us, on all of us.

It had begun even before Kris left. There were often arguments with the management. Kris had endless meetings with the entertainment which had no effect at all. It had been just wasted time. All the effort to change things for the better were futile. It had been and still is depressing.

After Kris left we were devastated. It was as if someone ripped a part of your heart out. We, EXO, was broken. There had been, still is, a missing piece and an open wound which the management didn’t care about. They made us shut up and keep going. They clearly showed us that we’re here to bring them some money. We, the members of EXO, were not important, not our health condition, not our feelings. The only thing that mattered was if we earned enough money for them.

After the departure of Luhan and Tao. We felt hollow, empty like puppets without souls, without feelings. No matter what happened they made us perform with a smile on our lips, when the only thing we wanted to do had been crying.

How broken we were was visible. But everyone of EXO dealt with it in different way, and showed his brokenness in another way.

Xiumin lost weight, lots of weight. Suho hit the gym and exhausted his body to an extend that was insane. Chanyeol begun sneaking out at night and getting wasted on a regular basis. Each of us had his own self-destructive way of dealing with the whole , life threw at us.

I myself was not an exception.

►

The alarm of my phone rang and woke me up. I quickly turned it off, got out of bed and walked to the bath room.

Some minutes later I was in the kitchen and stuffed my face with food. I wasn’t hungry but still ate. I didn’t even taste the food properly, it could have been rice or miso soup or whatever. I didn’t care. I didn’t eat out of hunger, or because it satisfied me, I ate because it was time to eat. I forced the food down my throat as fast as possible so I was able to leave this deafening silence at the table. One part of the members were half asleep the other was dead silent. There was this unspeakable tension, it was horrible, as if we hated each other’s guts. I just wanted to leave.

Soon after that we were in the car and drove to the practise room, well most of us, some had another schedule because they caught a role in a drama or were invited for an interview.

In the car was the same silence as before. A deadly silence that no one was willing to break out of fear what the aftermath. But even if we were willing to talk, what could we possibly converse about. There was nothing to tell each other, to speak about, at least nothing important, nothing we dared to voice out loud. It was a silent agreement between all of us that we didn’t talk about the departure of the others, about the crumbling fall of EXO. And therefore we kept silent. Only necessities were shared.

This was the truth, the reality behind the cover.

For the fans we acted still the same. Smiled and laughed, were dorky and funny, shy and embarrassed. We were puppets controlled by the management, the entertainment, which gave us detailed information, more like scripts, how we had to behave and what we had to say, which feelings we should show and so on.

And every day was the same. Every ing day.

It didn’t matter what happened, how exhausted and stressed we were. WE didn’t matter. They didn’t treat us as humans with feelings and a soul, for them, the management, we were robots, dolls, who would act how they pleased.

We spent a long time in the practise room to perfect our dance, to be perfectly on time and synchronous. But to me it was all blurred, I couldn’t remember how often we danced the same dance again and again, repeated move after move. I acted while my brain was empty, like my soul was empty and hollow.

With the life threw at me I learned that if I don’t talk about it, it seems a little less real, a little less threatening and less important, like it wasn’t worth mentioning. Therefore I kept the things to myself. I didn’t even think about it, I erased it from my mind. If I didn’t think about it then there wouldn’t come the feelings, the doubt with it. It wouldn’t exist as long as I didn’t involve it in my life. Or though I thought.

►

It was morning again, I woke up feeling empty and hollow. Why did I even get up, what is the reason to it, to practise to..

I shut my thoughts of and left my bed, like every morning since who knows how long. I put on some clothes and stuffed my face with food I didn’t like, just because I had to. We drove in absolute silence to the entertainment, there someone yelled at us because we weren’t good enough, wouldn’t bring them enough money, should get our crap together and so one. I didn’t feel anything while this man talked us down. It wasn’t anything knew, these kind of situations happened all the time and in the meanwhile I was perfectly aware that I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t work hard enough but I couldn’t bring up the energy to better myself.

And again I tried to make my brain shut up. Not yet, I told myself and tried to even my breath.

Afterwards we had dance practise again. I tried to focus on the moves and exhausting myself out as much as possible, though I couldn’t think about anything else.

After countless repetitions of the dance we were finally allowed to leave at eleven pm. If we hurried up we were at midnight at home and got five hours of sleep. We could definitely count ourselves lucky, then I couldn’t even remember the last time I got more than four hours of sleep. We were all happy about this fact and during the drive back there was a slightly lighter mood in the car even though no one spoke. We were too exhausted to do though.

When we finally arrived at the dorm we rushed to our respective rooms and let us fall in the soft comfort that were our beds. We already showered and for once it was allowed to forget about brushing the teeth, sleep was more important.