May 15^th 2007

after “Want You Tour”

 

“Ha, they really got you, didn’t they?”

Jiyong throws a polite smile, then walks off. Or more like wobbles, since his legs still don’t function properly.

‘Yeah, that ing bastard.’

Basically all of his bandmates have been involved in this little “prank”, but some part of him has excluded three of them and focused on one alone.

Seunghyun.

Said person whose laugh he can still hear, even though he’s already out the door.

He’s fuming. Not only does he know, that he’ll be made fun over for the next couple months, but he now also knows, that his panic attack will be aired after their “Want You” concerts.
After every single one.

“Hey, Jiyong!”

‘Oh, no.’

He speeds up as he hears Seunghyun call out to him. Not only because he doesn’t want to see or even hear anything from him in the near future, but also because he’s a hundred percent sure, that he’d hit him square across the face if he’d dare to step into his view now.

That’s why he almost sprints along the hall and jumps into the already closing doors of the elevator.

He’s thankful that the doors don’t open anymore and only when it begins moving he turns around, coming face to face with a snarling Dongwook.

“Don’t”, he prevents him from saying anything, “Just don’t.”

Dongwook cracks up and actually has the balls to coo at him after, “I can sense a storm coming up. Trouble in paradise ensured”, he snickers as if to himself.

“Wh-what?”

“Ah, come on. You know how close Seunghyun and I are. He tells me everything.”

A ding resonates through the small wagon and then Dongwook is pushing past him, “I’d be more careful if I were you; he spills everything after the second glass of wine.”

‘Can this day turn out even worse?’

He storms through the lobby, continuously cursing Seunghyun in his head.

Four years of tight friendship and he still can’t fully trust him.

He boards the first car, surprised to find it empty. A luxury that he’d usually never dare to accept, but today he doesn’t care anymore.
He can deal with an angry Hyunsuk another day.

The driver takes off immediately, reminding him to put on his seatbelt and then he grows quiet after a deadly glare from Jiyong’s side.

He rests his head against the cool window and prays for the others to not return to their dorm tonight.
It’s useless, he gets that, but a part of him has been deeply hurt, pride scratched and bruised, and if he has to listen to another joke about his cowardice he’ll kill a .

 

 

 

He unlocks the door and hastily makes his way into the kitchen, gathering up some things that will keep him from leaving his room even a bit too soon.
A few bottles of water, an apple and some chocolate. He knows he shouldn’t but he shrugs it off; he’s probably getting scolded tomorrow anyway.

Before he holes himself up in his bed, he uses the bathroom one last time, then dives beneath his fluffy blanket.

And waits.

Until he grows tired of it, of anticipating their return and fearing for one of them to invade his space.

Sleep eventually visits him, and as he snaps out of his haze he realizes, that he’s been out for three hours straight.

He turns around and as light floods in from the gap beneath his door, he strains his ears.

The others are in the kitchen, all of them. He can almost picture it; Youngbae and Daesung cooking while Seunghyun and Seungri watch over them.
From time to time, they’ll start the everlasting bickering about why the youngest of them never helps with preparing meals but after some words it’ll make way for a different topic.

All Jiyong can make out is, “You should do it”, and then his phone is beeping, signalling a new message.

He opens it and is surprised to see Youngbae’s name light up, written underneath stands, “I’m sorry”.

Right. Because Jiyong believes that all of this was his best friends idea.

That’s why he replies promptly, “Don’t ing lie”.

The chitchat in the kitchen dies off and shortly after footsteps pad towards his room, coming to halt directly in front of his door.

The person outside knocks and Jiyong allows them to come in; hundred percent sure that Youngbae’s on the other side.
His breath hitches, anger flaring up once again as Seunghyun enters.

“Get out”, is all he bites out before turning away from him.

He doesn’t see the way his friends expression falls or the shadow, which crosses his face.

“We’re sorry”, Seunghyun puts a hand on his shoulder in a comforting motion, but Jiyong still growls at him.

“You knew.”

“Yeah…”, he shyly admits to that.

“And still did it. Let them go through with it”, Jiyong bites out through clenched teeth.

“In the beginning we wanted to prank Ri, but then Hyunsuk changed the schedule and…”, he withdraws his hand and rubs his neck awkwardly, “I’m terribly sorry, but the others…still thought that it’s a hilarious idea.”

The leader doesn’t answer to that and Seunghyun knows that he’s forgiven; at least somehow.

They stay silent for a long time, maybe too long.

‘Usually Jiyong would have said something until now.’

Seunghyun grows restless and pokes him to gain his attention once more, “I already told you that I regret scaring you. Why won’t you talk to me?”

“You told Dongwook.”

Jiyong’s lips tremble as he chokes out those three words; he heavily swallows around the knot in his throat and does his best not to cry.

The statement hits Seunghyun straight in the gut, leaving him breathless and speechless.

He gasps for air; trying to stave off his answer, because he realizes that whatever he’ll retort will still dig his own grave.

That’s why he decides against it and stays quiet.

“I trusted you.”

Jiyong can’t hold back anymore.
Seunghyun’s head snaps up as he hears little sniffs coming from his friend.

“, I’m terribly sorry. I’m such an idiot.”

“You’re the worst, the most awful, horrible friend one could ever ask for.”

 

 

With every word bitten out the older boy shrinks, his otherwise strong position faltering.

It feels like a huge weight is pressing down on him, iron bars piercing through his heart.

What Jiyong had told him, although in a hushed whisper in a too dark room, should have been a secret between them.

But Seunghyun couldn’t keep it inside. For weeks it swirled through his head, in big fat letters, blinking bright red in darkness.

When Dongwook invited him over for drinks, a little part of him knew that this night would end in a disaster. They drained one too many bottles and while Dongwook somehow wrestled him into bed, Seunghyun grabbed his neck, drew him in and whispered into his ear, “Jiyong is gay.”

The next morning, right after he opened his eyes, he remembered the older singers shocked expression, his gaping mouth and wide eyes. He staggered out the door and right into Dongwook, who caught him by the shoulders and immediately reassured him, “Don’t worry, I know it was a mistake from your side. I will keep it as a secret.”

 

 

Right now, Seunghyun is speechless and doesn’t know what could be worse than this.

“Did you…did you tell him about the night two weeks ago too?”

‘Well, that would be it.’

The rapper rapidly shakes his head, “No, God, no! I swear I didn’t tell that.”

“Then…”

“Yeah, I only told him that you’re not into women.”

Jiyong curls into him further then mumbles, “I regret forcing myself onto you that night. I never wanted to-…”

“What do you mean you regret it? Was I not good?”

The fact that the younger has brought up a theme he tried to evade all this time shocked him; but hearing that he actually rues their intimate interaction brings out the innocent, insecure teenage boy in him.

Ultimately, Jiyong turns around and glances up at his band mate, who stares right back with a pouting expression.

“Have you gone insane? We’ve had ! What does it matter if it’s been nice or not?”

“Because you wanted it and in the end I didn’t even…”, he breaks off, what the hell is he even talking about right now? Still, he finishes in a hushed whisper, “Scratch your itch properly.”

Jiyong sees how his brows furrow, how his lip disappears between his teeth; Seunghyun’s wearing his feelings on his sleeve right now and he seems more than helpless and maybe even a bit crestfallen.

“Are you for real? I mean, this is what you worry about? And not the fact that I’ve had your up my ?”

“Hey, after all you attacked me and-…”

“Oh, stop it!”

“…- almost cried because you were so hard and kept-…”

“Shut up!”

“…- pleading, ‘Hyung! Please me, I’m so !’.”

“Seunghyun!”

Jiyong sits up abruptly and gives the older one a push that sends him flying onto the floor.

Seunghyun pops up not a moment later and glares at him, “Okay, we’re going to talk about this right now.”

“Oh, hell no.”

He’s about to creep into his fluffy cocoon again as the rapper catches hold of his shoulders and holds him in place.

“Come on, five minutes. All I want is five minutes of honesty without either of us getting mad.”

“Alright, go ahead.”

 

 

 

They sit down facing each other, fumbling around with their fingers until Seunghyun takes the floor.

“Okay, first, the prank.”

“Let’s drop that, it’s already forgotten.”

Seunghyun throws him a wary look and Jiyong sighs, “Okay, I admit that I’m going to torture Seungri until the end of the month.”

“That’s my leader”, he pats his cheek and scoots a bit closer afterward, “And now…”

“Yeah…”, Jiyong crosses his legs and plays with the ends of his pants, “Why did you tell him?”

Seunghyun exhales elongated before beginning, “I swear I didn’t plan to spill it. But after you’ve revealed your preference to me, it kept appearing over and over again every day in my head until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I’m awfully sorry, and I regret doing it.”

“And it’s been only Dongwook?”

“Yes. And if it eases the situation, he mocks me ever since then about it.”

“He mocks you?”

“More like teases and pesters. By all means, whenever I tell him that I’m meeting up with you after work to grab something to eat, he says that it’s only a trick from our side anyway and that I’ll be grabbing your for dinner.”

“Oh my god, he thinks that we’re dating, doesn’t he?”

Seunghyun cracks up at the way Jiyong’s eyes almost bulge out.

He drops onto his side and props his head up onto one arm, “The funny thing is, even though he believes that we’re in a relationship where I top, he constantly reminds me that you’re the bossy, controlling one in this.”

‘He makes it sound as if we are actually together.’

“Hold up, we are not-…”

“Are you sure?”

Seunghyun sits up and beckons him closer; a smile appears on his lips as Jiyong instantly follows.

The younger freezes on all fours as he realizes what is going on.

“See, you always listen when I call. Also, I like spending time with you and you obviously do too, otherwise you wouldn’t ask me first whenever you want to do something.”

“That’s stupid, do you even hear yourself? I never start dating somebody, for whom I don’t have feelings.”

“But I do”, Seunghyun cups his jaw and guides him closer, “Feelings can develop after some time.”

“But I’m not like that, hyung. I can’t just go out with somebody…”

“Really? Okay, let’s put the fact aside that all of your past relationships ended in a complete disaster, even though you’ve been oh-so-in-love. I did some thinking and-“

“Oh my, did you hurt yourself?”

Seunghyun hits him square in the face with a pillow and chuckles before going on, “...we have been kind of dating since weeks. Just think about, we’ve been shopping together, snuck out late in the night only to wander around in silence and smoke cigarette after cigarette. Whenever you have an idea in your head, you always search for my opinion before all others. We eat, sleep, watch TV, play games together.”

“We know everything about each other…”, Jiyong smiles to himself, thinking about all their nice moments before shaking his head, “I know nothing about dating a man.”

“But you sure know how to one.”

“That’s it!”

The younger one launches himself on top of Seunghyun and shakes him by the collar of his shirt, while growling, “You’ve gone too far, Choi.”

“Really? Want me to take it one step further?”

Without waiting for a response, Seunghyun raises his foot and gives Jiyong’s a deft push with his knee, resulting in them ending up nose to nose.

“Hey, honey.”

He makes a cute expression and before the leader can punch him, soft lips are on his and a tongue is teasing his lower lip.

“You like it when I kiss you, don’t you? Little leader”, he cradles Jiyong’s face in his palms, “You always become pliant in my arms whenever I do.”

“Maybe I can handle dating you.”

“You won’t regret it!”

Seunghyun rolls them around until he’s on top and smooches him one more time before getting up.

“Where are you going?”

Jiyong pouts after him and scoots to the edge of the bed.

“Today’s been the first concert and I major . So I’ve been forced to nine days of training.”

“Wow, that’s tough…”

“It’s alright. I need to build a few more muscles anyway before having with you again.”

“Says who?”

Jiyong faintly remembers Seunghyun’s body. True, he was neither defined nor did he have many muscles, but he was nicely toned and strong.

“I do. See you later for dinner.”

“Don’t overdo it.”

“Yes, sir!”

He salutes him and before the pillow hits him, he’s out the door.

‘A man…no, not even a man. Half a man, that’s what I’m dating’, the younger rolls onto his stomach and lets out a loud screech, ‘I’m seriously dating Seunghyun!’