Jessica, Taeyeon

Everyone knew Jessica was depressed. All the members knew. The company knew. Our managers knew. I, most definitely, knew.

                We were a thing. We were not official, but we were something. She comes to me when she’s living one of those days. If I’m not around, she turns to alcohol. You name it, she’s drank it.

                As I get busier, and busier with time, she gets drunker and drunker. She’d say she needs them to sleep, to calm down, to be at peace, to feel something else, to forget.

                When I saw the situation worsen, I reached out for professional help. No one else knew about it. No one else knew how many shrinks, psychologists, and psychiatrists have Jessica made appointments with. They’d talk to her, and she’d tell them the truth. At first, she didn’t want to, but as I work my way into her, eventually, she opened up.

                Years passed, and Jessica hasn’t been drinking more than what she can handle. With all the therapy she went through, she realized, her problem is in her control, and she controlled all of them. Her emotions, her mind, her thoughts. Once again she was happy. Once again, she was the Jung Sooyeon from 15 years ago.

                Or so I thought.

We were talking about random things, just the two of us. The others were gone somewhere. But then her phone rang.

                “Yes.”

                She goes silent for a moment, then continues.

                “No no. I’m not interested. So please take me off the list.”

                “Yes. Thank you.”

                Jessica turns around and smiles at me. “The advertising company heh," she says shrugging.

                “Jessica, is something wrong?” I ask her as she seems bothered.

                “No. Nothing’s wrong.”

                She picks up her jacket on the couch, kisses me goodbye, saying, “I gotta go. I’m late for a meeting with Mr. President.”

                It was weird, you know. I just had the feeling.

                She wouldn’t lie to me, I thought to myself. Jessica wouldn’t lie to me.

                So I let my doubts go.

*RingRingRing

                “Yes, hello?”

                “This is she.”

                “Doctor Lee?”

                “Yes.”

                “No, she didn’t tell me.”

                “Just now?”

                “Yes thank you so much Doctor. I’ll talk to you later.”

She said she was fine. She claimed she was better. She acted like everything was in place.

                Apparently, everything wasn’t.

                And I didn’t like it. Not one bit of it.

                So I went to the company, I saw her with the president in a meeting. I don’t care. She’s more important than whatever they're discussing about. And I barged in.

“Jessica Jung.”

                Both of them shock, looking at me. “T-Tae?? W-What are you doing here?”

                “I need to talk to you.”

                “I’m in a meeting. Can’t we talk later? If it’s so important.”

                “I’m sorry, sajangnim. But I’ll need to borrow your star for a second,” I say, dragging her out of the room, and straight to the rooftop.

                “What?! Taeyeon! Let go! That was a very important – ”

                “Important?! More important than us?! ……than you?”

                I hear her sighing as I do the same.

                “I’m tired, Sica ya…So can you – ”

                She comes closer pulls me in for a hug and pulls back to look me in the eyes, whispering, “What is it?”

                Chuckling softly, I say, “You tell me.”

                “Huhhh I know. I’ve got a lot of explaining to do. Look –”

                “You lied to me, Sica ya….”

                “You looked at me right in eye and you lied to me, Jung Sooyeon…”

                “Taeng – ”

                “Why didn’t you tell me about your sudden appointment with Doctor Lee?”

                “I-I…I couldn’t, okay..?”

                “Come on…really now? After all these years?”

                “I did that to protect you. I did that because I don’t want you to worry about me anymore. I’m fine, Taeyeon.”

                “I don’t know if I can trust you. Not like this.”

                “It was nothing big. I mean, what did you want me to do?”     

                “I just want you to tell me the truth! Do you even know how worried I was?”

                “Yeah… I know,” she says not looking at me anymore. “I got lost for an hour, okay? My mind ed up for 60 minutes. A year ago, you walked out of me, of us, for 24 months. 24 months, Kim Taeyeon.”

                “That was different.”

                “Of course it was different. You still won’t tell any of us, what triggered you at the time. But I believed you……so just trust me this once. I’m not doing this to hurt you.”

                “Then why am I so angry?”

                “When I was in your shoes, I felt the same way.”

                “No, that’s not it. This is about you. Cause I’ve seen this before.”

                “What’s that supposed to mean?”

                “Nothing…I just – It’s better when we work this out together. Not alone.”

                “Yeah…..”

                “We’ll figure this out, like we always do.”

                “I know… But we’ll talk about this later, okay? At home.”

So I waited. I waited to have the talk, to work things over. But when she gets home, she goes straight to our room. And I hear drawers opening and shutting. Closets, cases.

                As I hear her footsteps coming towards my direction, I pretend to be oblivious.

                “Hey,” I say, not glancing at her. “How’s breakfast for dinner? I’m making “smorlette.”

                She doesn’t respond, so I continue. “It’s basically dessert. A combination of  s’mores and omelette.”

                Then I look her way. I see her smiling, with her hands on her back pocket and she is still wearing her coat. I adjust my focus, and see a suitcase near the door.

                “You going somewhere?”

                She looks down, not meeting my eyes.

                “I’m sorry.”

                And I look at her. Just look at her, stunned.

                “I love you so much, Taengoo yah.”

                “What are you doing? Sica..?”

                “I have to go,” she says backing away.

                I know it’s stupid, but I have to ask. “Why?”

                “I-I just need to clear my head and figure some things out so that I can – we can have our happily ever after.”

                “Jung Sooyeon…”

                I look into her eyes, and see that she has made her decision.

                “Sica ya, where is this coming from?”

                She says nothing, but slowly backs away as I step forward.

                “Is this because of Doctor Lee? The depression?”

                “Taey – ”

                “Why are you giving up on us?” I press on, “Why are you trying to ruin our relationship?”

                She backs away more, and tells me, with desperation in her voice, “I’m trying to save it.”

                “By leaving me..?” I say, my voice shaking.

                The distance is still there. I look at the floor, searching for words to persuade her. “Listen, if you have a problem. We have a problem. That’s how this works.”   

                “No, Taeyeon. Not this time.”

                “Whatever it is, Sica yah…we can figure it out. Like always.”

                “Taengoo yah, do you trust me?” she asks, in the verge of tears.

                With no doubt, I say, “Of course.”

                She comes closer, cups my face, killing me with her next words. “I need you to trust me on this one. I need to do this on my own.

                “And when it’s all done, I hope that there’s…I hope you have a little space in your heart, to take me back.”

                Shaking my head, I tell her, begging, “Before this, the president told me you wouldn’t be happy just being with us – that you need something more. I’m begging you Jung Sooyeon…please don’t tell me he knows you better than I d –”

                “I love you,” she says, abruptly. Kissing me a goodbye. “Always.”

And she was gone.

Here’s the thing: it’s been 3 years. And she’s still not here. She’s still not back.

                 And I find myself still waiting.

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