don't wanna be lonely, just wanna be yours...

___

They didn’t meet for another day, and with his heavy heart, Jaejin realized it had been a week without seeing her face. Or her smile or hearing her crisp laughter and damn!—he didn’t even have a single picture of hers in his phone.

But of course he wasn’t supposed to meet her. Not even in his vague dream as the result of his insomniac night (and Jaejin didn’t know if it meant bad or good thing). He didn’t even corrupt his liver with alcohol anymore, but he got addicted to caffeine more than ever. He usually ordered himself a hot bitter coffee while eyes gloomily checking his phone.

She didn’t contact him, and neither did he.

Yeah, what did you expect from one midsummer’s sweetness that your body and mind weren’t even under your control?

“Call her and ask her to meet.” Nicole Jung’s voice reached his brain again after five minutes full of silence. “You two should talk about this nicely.”

Jaejin placed back the cup in his hand as throwing his glace at the quiet street outside. One dry leaf flew off its tree and fell right beside the café’s window.

“How is she?” He asked back instead, now looking at the girl who sat across him.

“Both of you are alike, actually.”

He cracked a small smile in the corner of his lips—finding her answer funny. “How?”

“She keeps all of it inside, like you.” Nicole let out a frustrated breath. “But there’s a difference,” She uttered cautiously, as if the words she wanted to spill was a confidential information no one should know.

Jaejin hummed in response.

“You still look good even in this state, while she’s nowhere near good. Sobbing every night and getting swollen eyes in the next morning. Yet mouth still sealed and said nothing to us.”

To tell honestly, there’s really no difference; he’s crying tearlessly every night and prominent eye bag in the next morning for staying up.

Yet Jaejin still sealed his mouth and took another sip of his black coffee.

Bitter, black, like what he’d been feeling lately.

___

Don’t you wanna meet me?

Sent 10.34 PM

I’m sorry.

Received 10.37 PM

Can’t say sorry to my face?

Sent 10.37 PM

Sorry.

Received 10.37 PM

I’m sorry, Hara. It’s all on me. We’re never on serious term anyway. We should forget and move on.

Received 10.37 PM

Liar.

Sent 10.38 PM

Right. So you should stay away from a liar like me.

Received 10.38 PM

3 Failed Calls

Jaejin

Call Again?

___

Goo Hara knew she didn’t look good, even after she almost covered her whole face with white facemask and wool-knitted hat, but that didn’t stop her to come to a certain place. The waitress brought out her order and placed in on the table, ten minutes ago, but Hara still hadn’t touched it. Her eyes were red and she kept lowering her head—spinning, spinning, too bright, I should just stay in my secured bedroom.

“Hara-ah?”

Upon hearing her name being called, she lifted her head rather clumsily and met Jonghun’s gaze right away.

“Are you okay?”

She nodded.

“What do you want to talk to me about?”

Hara shifted her gaze to her surrounding before placing back into her nails again that on top of her knees, watching in silent how her fingers nervously tangled one with another.

“Oppa,” was in a poor condition that she needed to lip synch when KARA performed on stage. She sounded sick—real sick, everyone would notice it easily, but kept going on. “Thank you for all your kindness and concern regarding me,”

Choi Jonghun lifted up his hands, signaling her to stop.

“What’s this? A proclamation about but you can only see me as oppa you’re so thankful for? Don’t dare you continue, Goo Hara.” His eyes glinted in sadness although his lips stretching out a mocking smile.

“I’m sorry, oppa.”

It seemed like a repetitive habit now, her nose started to get snotty and her eyes began misty and sting, before tears slowly run down on her pale cheeks. She should have been out of stock of tears, but no, they came fresh like water spring.

Jonghun watched the miserable girl in front of him without blinking. He never liked seeing her in this kind of state, yet she always came to him in this kind of state. He was cursed—to be forever oppa the girl he loved dearly she’s thankful for.

Hara wiped her eyes and talked again through the murmurs.

“I know that you’ve been hurt because of me, a lot. I truly apologize for that, I don’t know what I should I do anymore, I am-“ She broke into a messing sob once again.

“No, you shouldn’t be, it’s just-“ His words were swallowed back as Jonghun couldn’t utter the main question which bugging him since the first time he knew about them. Why must be Jaejin though? Why must be the one of s—the one who already knew his crush to her for a long time ago?

It’s no other explanation rather than he was cursed, definitely.

Jonghun got up from his seat, along with his broken heart leaving this dream girl behind who was sobbing and couldn’t stop, and he couldn’t really trust himself not to be a mean person and begging her if he stayed longer listening to her heartbreaking cry. He walked away without once turning back his head.

He didn’t know where to, but he needed to stay away from her.

Moreover when he dialed his dongsaeng’s number (although he had strong dislike of that creature at the moment) and monotonously shared where he got her cry and Jonghun could feel the panic in Jaejin’s nervous voice and how the latter was in rush to get her as soon as possible.

Choi Jonghun would bury that toxic feeling forever—starting now.

___

She was so fragile and he always hated the fact his heart would waver easily toward fragile woman. Jaejin reached the café and wordlessly, pulling her into a tight hug and never intended to let go.

Hara was squirming under his arms, but then she sniffed familiar scent she longed so much, her arms began stretching and hugged him back, never intended to let go.

“Jonghun oppa,” She whispered between her muffled sob. “He gets hurt again because of me,” And hiccup.

Jaejin made a space between them to see her face, gently wiped her tears from her cheeks then cupped her face to kiss her forehead.

“He will be okay.” He grunted, needed to restrain himself from imagining things would get difficult between him and his hyung from now on. “He will be.”

He kept hugging her, trying to protect her from the damage he made himself, to prove that this moment he’s right beside her—real in flesh and bone, hoping his inaudible sorry could reach into her heart.

They were staying like that for quiet long time while people came and went, taking a glance at them before passing by with some incoherent murmur. But Jaejin didn’t care how people stared at them anxiously, he only cared how the vulnerable girl in his embrace could stop her tears, how he himself could help mending her heart.

Night became deeper, Jaejin took Hara’s hand and they stood by each other—too close—walking silently toward his apartment. Her eyes are bright red, telling him not to let go and he made a quick promise wouldn’t do that.

He stared at her—eyes twinkling with tears, puffy nose and cheeks grew paler at the same time redder—then kissed her. Starting from her forehead, nose, chin, before his lips finally found hers. They were dry (she didn’t even once touched her drink) and Jaejin could feel her frustration eating up her soul.

It’s a reality; he didn’t want to let her go (those past days were difficult days for him to breathe), but circumstances didn’t always go as he wanted.

___

“Ups,”

“Seriously, Seunghyun-ah, what are you doing with my phone again?!”

“Sorry hyung.” The maknae showed Jaejin his infamous awkward grin while handing the older guy the phone that for few minutes ago was in his possession. He then whispers lowly. “I just borrowed your phone because Hongki hyung told me to send his photo we took last time, and then when it rang I accidentally swiped to the wrong direction.”

Jaejin snatched his phone quickly, still glaring at the maknae rather mercilessly.

“It’s Hara nuna.” Seunghyun adds, still in the same low whisper he previous used.

“I know!” Jaejin snapped, didn’t appreciate the teasing grin Seunghyun threw at him. When the maknae creased his forehead in confusion, Jaejin whispered back. “Because every time you talk about Hara, you always whisper, brat!”

Caught in act, Song Seunghyun scratched his nape and grinned awkwardly. “It’s hard not to whisper, because you know…” His gaze darted somewhere and Jaejin followed him.

Jaejin wasn’t surprised though, when found where the maknae’s eyes directed to. Their leader was alone in the corner of the room—even his dark aura felt like guarded him from outer world. Jaejin locked gaze again with Seunghyun and sighed.

“I know.” He sorrowfully whispered. “Though you don’t need to.”

“Hyung,” The tone Seunghyun used to call him made Jaejin’s stomach flipped in knot, he knew whatever it was that’s gonna out of Seunghyun’s mouth wouldn’t be pleasant. “Can we really grow apart because of a girl?”

It’s surely unpleasant; the bitter truth.

___

They were usually the happiest child in their group—the mood boaster of their respective group people said, but lately smile wasn’t on their face. Minhwan was always prefer the blunt-idiotic Jaejin who used to be the victim of Hongki’s bully, and to watch how awkward it was even for Hongki himself to kid around Jaejin was uncomfortable. Kang Jiyoung felt it too, she loved her Hara unnie—so much—but the latter seemed always too occupied with something in her head that it’s rare for Jiyoung saw Hara’s usual cheerful smile.

“What’s on your mind?” One day Hara asked when they got a chance to be together only, sitting on his balcony with twinkling stars painted the dark sky.

“Nothing.” Jaejin replied without looking back at her.

“Must be nice have nothing to think about in your mind.”

He eventually turned his head upon her odd statement and this time, Hara looked up at the sky instead of him.

“And… you have a lot in your mind?” Jaejin asked cautiously, his voice turned softer.

He let her have her own time. Jaejin waited patiently as Hara sighed and lowered her head. She only lifted up her head when his hands gently took hers and kept them in his warm grab.

Hara’s melancholic eyes found his. She stared at him with so much meaning yet Jaejin couldn’t decipher even one of them. Her soft breath landed on his lips when she opened to let out a shaky whisper.

“Do you believe in us?”

Did he believe her? Yes. Jaejin’s throat felt so dry. Out of thousand questions that tangled her mind, she needed to voice out that particular one.

Everything was at stake, everything was important for him. His bandmates, his hyung, her. He realized how unfriendly it was between him and his brothers, how uncomfortable for the five of them to chat and joke like they used to. They were his precious dream. And it had quite a bond that formed long before he knew her. Goo Hara and her petite frame, fragile heart and sunshine smile; she could possibly be his eternal spring.

Lee Jaejin couldn’t choose either of them—couldn’t decide which one he needed to choose as his most priority.

“Well, I do.” Her cracked voice and bitter smile brought him back from his deep thought (yet still there’s no answer he could offer).

Her question kept repeating in the back of his mind like a broken record—sad, so sad, she’s clinging so hard into her own belief.

Do you believe in us?

Jaejin’s throat felt so dry.

___

As he expected, when they broke up (or when Jaejin talked to her they had their separate ways) she refused it to be the truth at first. She cried; red eyes, runny nose, sunken cheeks. He cried too; in silent, heart bleeding and no one to heal.

He promised he would cherish their bittersweet memories—some made him smile alone like an idiot, some made him clutch his chest tightly like the pain was going to subdue that way. Some made him forget his current state and either Minhwan or Seunghyun needed to tell him ‘it’s still 3 in the morning hyung, we’ll practice tomorrow’ or to correct him ‘you got the key wrong, hyung, I’m sorry, but can you focus more today?’

It’s like he’s trapped forever in winter; everything was frozen and white, he couldn’t think.

___

Sometimes he wondered, how life could turn out if he became another him—the tidier version of him, the more normal version of him. Another Jaejin would come home without getting drunk, and felt satisfied instead with how much achievement he got today. Then he woke up the next morning with usual laziness instead of a throbbing headache.

Lee Jaejin groaned. Morning was already few hours ago and his whole body ached. It’s his usual day, still, he couldn’t get used to it until now.

He blinked his eyes—once, twice—before his normal sense kicked in and realized he wasn’t alone in his silent apartment. When he rose up and looked at his surrounding, he found nameless face fall asleep beside him.

“,” He muttered. “Excuse me—“

“Oh, you’re awake? God, you’re a heavy sleeper.”

His head was spinning again seeing the face he didn’t recognize wink seductively at him—as if reminded him about the night before. He’s too drunk, he couldn’t believe anyone.

“Can you—“

“Go? Fine. I just  want to greet you this morning. You seemed so lost last night, made me want to protect you.” She winked again. His head was dizzy. “Oh, is it because of that?!” Her tone was high and low and his head kept spinning, as Jaejin tried to see what this stranger mean by pointing out her finger at something.

It’s a piece of black and white paper—a wedding invitation.

Suddenly he remembered every detail, including what date today. His phone rang—once, twice—and he began picking up and didn’t care anymore about the other person in his bedroom.

“Yes?” He croaked. He needed a glass of water.

“Where the hell are you?! What time is it now?!”

He frowned at his phone, hated whoever he was who dared to ruin his morning (it’s morning, right?) with such deafening yell. He narrowed his eyes to read the caller on the bright display—Son Dongwoon.

F— you, Dongwoon-ah!

“Home?”

“Get your lazy here quickly! It’s our moment, we need to up to the stage for photograph time sooner, Lee Jaejin! The whole 91-liners already here except one lazy creature that is you, Lee Jae-“

“Okay. Stop getting on my nerve, you prick! You hurt my eardrum.” Jaejin grumbled. At least Dongwoon was silent now and Jaejin was so thankful of that. “I’ll get ready and be there asap.”

There’s a pregnant pause and it made him more nervous than Dongwoon yelling at him.

“Dong-“

“Sorry, you alright, man?”

Jaejin let the line was silent for a moment, as he took a good glimpse of beautifully carved words on the invitation—Goo Hara & Yong Junhyung.

“’I’m sorry, Jaejin-ah.” Jonghun confessed to him last night. “Turns out it’s neither of us that could be with her.” He remembered he could still smile at his hyung last night—the fake one.

Jaejin placed the black and white paper on his nightstand, hands shaking, and answered his friend’s concern.

“Yeah, I am.”

It’s a blatant lie that both of them knew, yet neither one of them minded it. Dongwoon still didn’t say the obvious and Jaejin appreciated it.

He let out a heavy sigh, he promised himself not to cry today.

Lee Jaejin wondered, if he wasn’t always messed up and awful, would they be in this kind of situation too?

P✯CEMAKERZ