Lee Jaejin still told her to go, even though he wasn’t sure how to breathe again once his source of oxygen left him suffocated.

___

Sometimes he wondered, how life could turn out if he became another him—the tidier version of him, the more normal version of him. Another Jaejin would come home without getting drunk, and felt satisfied instead with how much achievement he got today. Then he woke up the next morning with usual laziness instead of a throbbing headache.

Lee Jaejin groaned. Morning was already few hours ago and his whole body ached. It’s his usual day, still, he couldn’t get used to it until now.

He blinked his eyes—once, twice—before his normal sense kicked in and realized he wasn’t alone in his silent apartment. When he rose up and looked at his surrounding, he found her on the floor laying on her stomach, his doggy pillow under her head.

“,” He muttered. “Excuse me—“

“Oh, you’re awake?”

His head was spinning again seeing the face whose body sprawled on the floor, awkwardly grinning at him. Jaejin closed his eyes, trying to put the scattered puzzle of his wildness last night.

He found the image of him kissing a girl.

He got to see the face of the girl he’s kissing hard—familiar, but no too familiar.

And when he opened his eyes again, a pair of Hara’s crystal eyes was waiting for him.

“Goo Hara?” He cleared his throat, sounded unsure.

She threw her sweet smile almost immediately. “I’m sorry Jaejin-ah, but your comforter is so good that I feel reluctant to leave yet.”

Jaejin massaged his forehead. “Did we…?” Groggily he asked.

Hara rounded her eyes before bursting out laughing. It sounded chirpy and vibrant, like her laughter only could turn this dull apartment into something bright and lively.

“We what, Lee Jaejin?” She still laughed. “You are so gross!” She then added, smiling now. “Get up and let’s have breakfast. I’m hungry.”

As her figure was gone to the other room, Jaejin glanced at the clock on the nightstand. Some 11 am in between, and he suddenly felt the surge of thirstiness, hunger and wanting to clean up his body.

He groaned.

Lee Jaejin wondered, if he wasn’t always messed up and awful, would they be in this kind of situation too?

___

“How long has it been?”

Jaejin shuddered at the tone throwing at him, as in the most casual way he tried to avoid answering that question. He hummed as busying himself with the menu.

“Tell me.”

He sighed. He had known this coming, but the guilt inside was stronger than the fear.

“What, hyung?” He tried to grin—awkward, but at least he tried to brighten up the atmosphere here. Hongki seemed uninterested although his eyes followed every Jaejin’s movement (Lee Hongki was always like that and Jaejin didn’t really mind him, but his other hyung…)

He lifted up his face and his eyes easily bore onto Jonghun’s stern gaze.

“Look, it’s not like that.”

“Just f—ing tell me what that is then!”

Avoiding the leader’s mad stare, Jaejin turned his attention toward Hongki. The latter only gave him an empty gaze and Jaejin cursed mentally. He knew they weren’t close as how some group supposed to be, but at least he always thought the eldest would be on his side.

And Lee Hongki obviously didn’t pick his side.

“Jonghun hyung, what are you expecting from us?” Jaejin boldly asked and made Hongki finally put some emotion at his stare—disgust. Jonghun’s face reddened and both the leader and the younger guy hold their gaze, challenging each other.

Choi Jonghun broke it first, rising from his seat and left the scene with boiling anger.

“Lee Jaejin,” Hongki warned him.

Sighing, Jaejin covered his face in regret. “I know.”

“God! How stupid are you?! You know how long he’s been harboring such a feeling for her, don’t you?!” The eldest guy spat, couldn’t hold back anymore.

“I know,” Jaejin whimpered. It’s not like he didn’t feel anything—the guilt was eating him up and suffocating, he did want to end all of this weird thing; whatever you called it. But then he remembered her cheeky smile, her cheery voice, the selfish part of him begged not to let her go.

“God!” Hongki whispered to no one, as the one he tried to talk might already lost his mind. “This is so messed up.”

Lee Jaejin wondered, could he really escape from all those messed up things?

___

They sat across each other with a bowl of pasta in front of them respectively. For a moment only the clinking sound of the eating utensils filled the room in the still night. He had too much in his mind, he couldn’t even think of a better prolog to disentangle one by one.

She rested her fork first, although her bowl was still half-full.

“They hate me, don’t they?” Hara’s clear voice was like echoing from wall to wall in every room of Jaejin’s apartment, and it didn’t sound steady.

It haunted him to the core.

“No,” Jaejin replied curtly. No, they despise you so much.

“Jaejin-ah,”

“Goo Hara, stop.” He puts back his fork too, but face still wasn’t lifted up to see hers. “Well, Jonghun hyung might hate me, obviously. But no, no one hates you.”

“I’ll try to talk to him.”

Now he’s bringing his eyes to meet hers and looking at them sadly.

“Why, Hara-ah? Do you take this thing seriously?” He sarcastically smiled. “Because for me it’s not, so you don’t have to bother doing those frivolous things.”

Hara let out a heavy sigh. She straightened up her back, eyes became narrow and stared at him in pain. “Now you hate me too.”

You are easy to hate, hard to forget.

“Let’s talk about this later.” He dismissed the topic, back to his pasta.

“When?”

“Later.”

When I am ready to set you free.

___

The droplets of the rain stained the glass window of her apartment, and both Jaejin and Hara were mesmerized by its beauty, sitting on the couch near the window a little bit too close with each other, two mugs of hot chocolate warmed up their numb fingers.

“Jaejin-ah, should I cook something?” Hara suddenly broke the silence between them, smiling when he turned his head and looked at her.

“We should cook something.” He nodded.

“No, no. I mean, I am gonna make us something to eat.” Her lips stretched out and she’s smiling even wider. She looked so beautiful and Jaejin got stunned—no wonder any guy could fall for her beauty (his hyung was one of them) and came to think how come he never feel it before? She was Goo Hara and that only meant lovely smile.

Hara placed her mug on the windowsill and started to get up, with smile still glued on her pretty face. Jaejin extended his arm and grabbed hers, making her startled and fall down on his lap.

“Don’t smile like that in front of other guys.” He whispered lowly as slowly closed the gap between their face, kissing her with such possession. He must be out of his mind—kissing his friend like that, his hyung’s crush so oh passionately.

He chuckled lightly as seeing her swollen lips now, bright pink and tempting, while his tongue tasted her remain on his own lips. It’s sweeter and warmer than their hot chocolate.

“So,” She tried to smile brightly despite a little dazed, eyes looked at him cheerfully. “What do you want?”

You. “Anything will do.” Jaejin threw his sweetest smile.

“I’ll try making chicken stew then, Gyuri unnie spared me her secret recipe last week.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“It’s set then!”

As Hara walking toward the kitchen, Jaejin watched her back retreating, feeling so warm. This felt so real, so right, though he didn’t know it’s the right choice for them. The smile kept attached on his lips as he watched his girl busy in the kitchen. Rain is still producing melodious noise outside and Jaejin was overwhelmed with his own thought; his girl.

Did they already come to the understanding about how to call this relationship? Jaejin didn’t know. He’s the one who refused to talk about it at the first place anyway.

His train of though was interrupted when Hara’s phone vibrated on the table nearby, indicating multiple notifications of her SNS. Jaejin didn’t seem too concerned about it until a glimpse of terrifying image was shown on the display.

“Your phone keeps blinking.” He informed her, slightly yelling.

“Oh? It’s okay, maybe it’s just new comment or something from fans.” Hara shouted back.

“No, this one is definitely not from your fans.”

Hara froze on her spot, unable to reply. The rain was falling harder but inside her apartment was only a deafening silence. He’s afraid to see her expression, but he needed to. The image someone sent to her (and kept being sent) was too much. It’s a clear hatred. And unacceptable whatever motive that one had to be satisfied seeing her hurt.

“Hara-ah?”

She got surprised when knowing he’s already beside her, examining her face cautiously. Hara quickly put on her cheery smile as if nothing happened and back to slicing the garlic.

“It’s okay. I had worse before.” She retorted nonchalantly.

“Of course it’s not. Those hate they throw at you are ridiculous.”

“So what? They will still hate me no matter what.”

“But you’re not—“

“No, I’m not!” Hara abruptly placed back the knife and yelled at him. “They just hate me, because it’s what has been decided since I was born in this industry! They know I’ve tried my best but what can they do?! It’s easier for them to hate me, and it will also be for me if I just accept that fact without worrying it, no?”

Jaejin felt her pain as tears rolled down on her cheeks without her knowing and he softly wiped them away. She just realized that she’s crying all along then sobbed even more. He pulled her into a hug.

“I don’t know, I don’t know. What should I do? Tell me, what should I do?” She whispered painfully.

“Ssh,” Jaejin shushed her and tightened his arms around her body. “I’m sorry. You’re strong. Goo Hara that I know will always be strong.”

Hara couldn’t stop her sobbing few minutes later and made Jaejin turn off the stove that already boiled the water. He led her to the couch and that evening they ordered jjambong from her favorite restaurant.

He chuckled as seeing her slurping the noodle deliciously, with eyes still swollen but mouth too greedy to eat everything. She’s just this kind of girl, how could someone resent her to the point wanted her disappearing from this world?

She just once dated Yong Junhyung, not bribed the government to be able to date him.

___

“What?” He suppressed his tone as low as possible, awake and shocked in this dark night when Minhwan called him. Jaejin felt his throat dry and he’s like spinning around in endless circle, hand gripping the phone too tightly. He then took a glance at the girl beside him—safe and soundly asleep, before quietly left the comforting blanket and tiptoed to the front door.

He’s still whispering as face becoming paler each step he took to be away from her.

Goo Hara didn’t sleep. Not even a blink. She’d been there, wide awake listening to the rushed and shocked tone Jaejin used in his phone, before slowly leaving her side. Once the front door was closed, she knew how far he would be, how impossible it was for them.

“Oppa, tell me.” She lost her tone—colorless like she didn’t feel anything, because she became numb, became too immune with anything didn’t go her way.

“Hara-ah,” Hongki’s voice was cautious and wary, and she could practically see the exhaustion in his face, although they just connected through the phone.

“No, tell me. I know there’s something wrong. I’m not stupid. I know you guys hate me for being with Jaejin-“

“No, I don’t hate you.”

“Spill.”

Hongki let out a heavy breath. He must be pinching the bridge of his nose out of the frustration, she could imagine it. She prepared her heart, for whatever shocking twist that would come and got her heart another wound.

Hara was trained to be alert—every time.

“Jonghun wants to quit the band.”

The sound of her heart ripping echoed in her dark room.

Looked like she wasn’t—this time.

P✯CEMAKERZ