Honestly, I never knew that you were a quitter.

 

There was more to Minseok’s silence and maybe some knows, maybe some does not but Minseok is just a human. Who cares if he’s the oldest? Who cares if he has to be a role model to the younger members of their group? Who cares?

Because, because...

If I don’t become selfish, I would lose something precious once more.

 

Luhan is such a talented man and maybe, almost everyone knows and if they don’t, Minseok’s sure that he is still not enough. Minseok knows who Luhan actually is; the younger man’s not just his best friend, a group mate, a co-worker.

He was someone Minseok loved so much.

He is someone Minseok loves wholly.

But he left.

Luhan left.

And in Luhan’s hands, held tightly, was his heart.

                                                                                                And his poor, broken heart was beating Luhan’s name...

 

Minseok is sure that he felt the pain of the EXO fans when he saw Luhan being interviewed because he decided to be a Chinese actor. To be frank, Minseok knows that Luhan has the talent but, are you serious?

There was a heavy silence as the remaining EXO members watch more of Luhan’s interview, a Korean subtitle written below but Minseok can hear and understand what every Chinese word meant. What every laugh signified. What every look at the camera implied.

And it’s painful.

And it hurts.

Because Luhan left and didn’t come back. It was probably stupid of Minseok to believe that Luhan would come back but every day, every single day, Minseok waited.

The room was just a blur of colours as Minseok stared harder, listened more and every word broke his­–his what?

He couldn’t breathe, it’s as if something was applying pressure at his neck, not allowing the air to enter his system but Minseok didn’t feel it, after all, there’s no more room for a new found pain.

Someone, he doesn’t know who, but someone asked if he was alright and at the tip of his tongue, there was the familiar lie. The familiar phrase to soothe his group mates but he didn’t say it. He couldn’t even process what he said but when he did reply, there was the rush of movemens around him.

The television was turned off, someone was running, there were a lot of murmurings but he couldn’t think straight as one phrase from Luhan resonated itself endlessly within him.

“I’m very happy to be back in China,”

It was nothing but an innocent and honest comment but Minseok heard something more, Minseok felt something more.

Because for a moment, it was as if Luhan said–and Minseok knows it wasn’t–but it probably wasn’t meant to be heard, but Minseok heard him say, “I’m very happy to be all alone.”

As he drowned himself in a deep blur of pain, he probably didn’t notice the way he clenched his small fingers in a ball or how he muttered one name in a broken voice.

“Lu-ge, Luhan...”

And buried shallowly in his voice was the unsaid confession, the words EXO knew and the same words Luhan muffled.

 

EXO met one writer; she was a young girl in her mid-twenties and was assigned to give EXO the interview for their comeback. It was an agonizing torture to answer questions that were asked upon them for a lot of times but even if they were the famed EXO, her eyes were screaming boredom as if the experience was agonizing for her as well.

Then there came the question that shook the core of EXO, “why do you think you’re not as strong as you were before?”

There were some rude comments from the staffs, Sooman even asking her to leave but she didn’t and stayed firm at her place as she gazed upon them. No one from EXO even answered and they waited for the guards to act on what the industry wanted them to do. The group was afraid to speak as if they would surely spout the wrong word and when they were causing enough trouble, they watched her stand and look at them as if they disgust her.

“I was asking not because I don’t know the answer, on the contrary, I do,” she said and packed her things up as she prepared herself to leave. The room was silent as they watched her walk towards the exit door only to stop and whisper,

“It is not because you lost your top guns, it is because you act as if you lost your only top guns. EXO didn’t revolve around three Chinese men, EXO revolved around men who brought a soothing juvenile atmosphere with their reign. But you acted as if you’re not EXO without them, and maybe you are not but let me ask you, why do you hold yourselves back?”

This caused the guards to push her away but she slapped their hands as if they were toxic decaying her body and not once had she looked behind to check if she broke them but maybe she didn’t have to because as they say, there’s a lot of words behind the silence.

 

The news article was not released and it was surprising for EXO to feel the disappointment they felt, if anything, they should’ve known that it would never be written but they anticipated its release, nevertheless.

Minseok sat in his room, looking at his phone–at the messages that he reread for how many times and yet, not once had a smile graced his lips but tears stained his cheeks, washing down the thin make up he wore.

Luhan didn’t use emoticons as other people believed. To others he may have but he was serious whenever it was Minseok and him exchanging messages and Minseok knows that that’s the real Luhan.

Luhan was fond of writing random topics but delivers them in a serious sense. He once wrote about the sun as it was fitting for waking Minseok up and Minseok thought that Luhan was writing a song lyric that was meant for him. But it wasn’t. Oh no, it was not.

“난 당신이 내 완료 주목을 제공하는 경우에도 그러나 태양은 나에게 보았다.”

(But the sun gazed upon me even if I offered you my complete attention.)

Minseok loved Luhan so much and every single day, he loved Luhan even more.

“내가 갈망하는 사랑을 느끼고, 이러한 깊은 사랑을 개최했다.”

(It held such deep love, a love I yearn to feel.)

And yet whenever he does, he shatters and–oh.

Oh...

Minseok forced out a broken chuckle, oh...

It wasn’t his heart that was breaking, no. No, for his heart was no longer in his chest and submerged within his flowing blood, rather, it was ripped away by Luhan and the man might not even know.

No, it’s no longer his heart that breaks. It’s his soul.

And it broke more because a soul is not that small like a heart, it’s more than the size of a fist*, more than flesh. For a soul is the entirety of you.

That night, Minseok cried and wept for his lost love. It was the day his walls shattered as the pain came and overwhelmed him entirely. He cried and cried, his voice no longer singing but just a sound of a broken one. It was like dying, it was like seeing yourself die, it was like, like...

It was the feeling of losing someone and knowing you will never have them back.

And it hurts.

And that night, Minseok cried until the pain cradled him to sleep but not enough to stop the murmur he let out.

“Lu...”

 

Minseok sat by an almost run down cafe, the excitement coursing through every narrow vein within himself. He was smiling, almost too big and no one can complain because Luhan asked me to meet up with him before his interview in Korea.

This was arranged three days and two nights ago, EXO knew of this of course but they didn’t come because they were all too busy but Minseok was too excited to overlook the lingering smiles from the others and the worried glances Yixing sent to him.

He specifically chose this place because it was managed by a family friend, an old lady to be more exact. The place was hidden from the crowd and located almost at the heart of the forest; it was the perfect place for two idols.

Minseok was early for two minutes and he was so excited when the arranged time came but Luhan didn’t come.

Minseok waited for two more minutes because he’s sure, Luhan’s tired from the travel and two minutes isn’t that much of tardiness. And he waited; two minutes becoming four, four becoming nine, and nine becoming thirty seven. But he waited because he’s not here for his best friend, no.

He’s here for his ex-group mate, ex-co-worker, and his love.

So he waited but the afternoon became evening and halmeoni* was tired even though Minseok was her only costumer. The shop was about to close and even if Minseok wanted to wait, he was not allowed.

By eight in the evening, Minseok waited outside the cafe. A hot pack in his hands, a scarf covering his neck and half of his face, winter boots, and a bubble jacket but even then, Minseok never left.

He waited and waited and waited. And then he stopped waiting as a realization sinks.

Luhan never came.

His feet moved on their own accord but a hand shot out from the dark, halting his retreat. He glanced up and saw that face and the tears just would not stop. He turned around and hugged the man, burying his head at the crook of his unshielded neck, crying and hugging the man as if afraid to let go. And Minseok actually is.

“Oh my god Minseok, you grew thin!” his voice was deeper, huskier but all the more familiar.

Luhan, Luhan came and that’s more than enough to wash all the pain away.

He chuckled, “wow Lu, the first time we meet and that’s what you say.”

Luhan pried Minseok’s shaking hands away and smiled at the man, “of course! It’s my own version of hello again!”

Minseok laughed, an actual laugh, “I know.”

Luhan blinked and smiled fondly, “You knew...”

There was a moment of silence as they sat at halmeoni’s cafe’s steps. Minseok passing a hot beverage e bought a while ago to Luhan, “here. It was hot before but...”

Luhan gazed apologetically, “I’m sorry. It was busy and I had to drop Hyeoyui off to her apartment.”

“Hyeoyui?” Minseok asked, not familiar with the feminine name.

Luhan beamed and looked at Minseok with the warmest smile, “Yup! Hyeoyui’s my girlfriend!”

The world shattered along with Minseok.

“She’s Korean and younger than me by a year. She’s just like you, Minseok-ah. She likes coffee, a dancer and she’s a great fan of EXO, she’s–“

“A fan of EXO, you say?”

Luhan offered a confused glance over him; Minseok stared back and he asked, “Which EXO?”

Luhan’s confusion turned into a tense stare, “both.”

Minseok rolled his eyes and looked at the darkness in front of them, “Are you sure?”

Luhan’s slow intake of air meant that Minseok stepped over the border line but he couldn’t say sorry, Luhan hurt him too.

Luhan’s voice came in an impatient tone, “I’m not doing this conversation.”

“Then go home.”

“How could you say that to me? How could you even ask that, you know that that’s a taboo for me!”

“Then tell me why did you leave?”

“I...no,”

“Why? Why won’t you even tell me? I was your best friend or is it different now? Is it because you have a new life and I’m still living the same? Is it because now you’re the rich and famous Luhan? Just Luhan? Is that it?!”

“I left because I was tired!”

Then there was the stoned silence and it felt as if the world stopped. The winds blew a whisper, the cicadas seized their song, and the rustling of leaves even became silent.

Minseok’s question was too soft to hear but Luhan heard it even then.

“Tired of what?”

Luhan answered with the strength of a man, “tired of being adored.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

Luhan glared at Minseok fiercely, “I want to be loved!”

“And you think Hyeoyui loves you? Or are you so desperate for love that you turn your eyes away as someone so pretty walks in and adore you and you translate it as love? Which is it?”

Luhan growled out his response, “At least she learns how to love me.”

“You think no one did?”

“No one saw me for who I am, no one loved me when I was an EXO member. No one appreciated me because they’re all so drawn to–“

“I did!”

Luhan paused as he stared at Minseok, his best friend shedding tears as he asked, “...what?”

Minseok chuckled and harshly wiped his tears away, trembling as the exposed skin comes in contact with the cool air, “I loved you for who you are, for what you can be and for what you are. I loved my best friend and not the guy who puts on a farce to make his fans so happy, not the prince that the industry created. Oh god no, I didn’t fall in love with that pathetic man, I fell in love with the man standing in front of me right now.”

“Mins–“

“But maybe, maybe the man standing in front of me right now isn’t who I thought he would be,” and with a final smile, just a small twitch of smile, Minseok turned around and walked away.

Away from Luhan’s reach, away from their meeting place, and away from Luhan himself.

And there was the first drop of Luhan’s tears because...

Because...

“All this time...” Luhan muttered as he slumped down, chuckling a broken laugh, “all this time he loved me too.”

 

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________

 

fist* - in science, the real heart is said to have the size of our fist.

halmeoni* - grandma

 

Hi! So I dunno if you guys have it but some of my words are underlined in blue whatever lines and they're showing some sorts of advirtisement. i really have no idea on how to remove that so can you please ignore them? Thank you and good morning. it's freakin' 1:05 in the morning!!

byiee!!