Tao flinched as a stack of books hit the floor, his posture going rigid.
A bunch of other objects followed, like the keys, a stack of documents and the water bottle that had been on the table. With his shoulders lifted in a defensive manner, Tao waited. Waited until his lover was done thrashing the apartment. A silent whimper escape his lips when a plate burst into a thousand shards of porcelain. He would wait it out, that was the safest way. It would go away, and soon his loving boyfriend would be back.

By now he knew that Kris would never actively try to harm him -no matter how angry he got- as long as Tao didn't approach him. He'd throw stuff, pull at his own hair and sometimes even shout at him. But besides a few bruises he received as an accidental collateral damage, Tao was fine.
He loved Kris, he really did. And while he let himself be enveloped in a bone-crushing hug later on in bed, he felt that Kris loved him, too. Felt it in the way he heavily breathed into his hair, not saying a word as he held onto him as if he was the last anchor of his sanity. Kris wasn't good with words but Tao was sure nonetheless - they loved each other.

It was something only Tao knew about. No one would ever suspect Kris to throw a fit, to lose control like this. Neither his working colleagues nor friends. He wasn't too sure about his family members but then again they hadn't heard of them in over a year so they hardly counted. Kris was such a gentle person. The quiet, giant softie. Though he had become an even more quiet person ever since Tao had met him and fell for his kindhearted, slightly awkward charm.
They had dated, gotten together, moved into their own apartment. Kris surprised him with presents and Tao had sneaked himself a few kisses here and there. Everything had been going so smoothly, Tao thought as he sorted the discarded books back into the shelf.
Where did they go wrong? When they moved in together about a year ago?
He wasn't as terrified anymore when Kris would suddenly snap, but the fear would never truly go away. The wild, aggressive and unpredictable man wasn't anything like Kris and it scared him. Scared Tao, who got quiet and tiptoed on eggshells the following hours. And he knew that it scared Kris, too. Possibly more so than him.

Now one would think that Tao was silly for staying with someone who hurt him - it sounded like a story you've heard or read a thousand times before, with a spineless person getting pushed around and hurt by an abusive lover. But this wasn't a movie and Kris wasn't a bad guy. Tao would repeat it in his head over and over again while Kris smashed another lamp, reminding himself constantly. This man loved him, treasured him.
Sometimes he would even apologize, quiet sighs of sorry mumbled into his hair the next day. One day, Tao downright confronted him with the problem at hand, showing him a purple bruise on his hip he acquired when Kris had accidentally shoved him against the edge of their wooden table. Kris had apologized profusely. He'd dropped to his knees and kissed the bruise with closed eyes as if disgusted by himself and vowed to go into therapy. He'd kept true to his word and made an appointment at the same day. It was only one week since he'd first visited that nice lady he wouldn't yet talk about but Tao was happy. Surely he would get better and then he'd have his gentle boyfriend back.

The therapy was said to last six weeks and he could tell that Kris was serious about it. He still wasn't sure what exactly they did, but he noticed that Kris' behavior changed; the way he talked to him was different. It was a little scary, thinking that this therapist might change his boyfriend into another person but Tao could do nothing but wait and see how it would turn out.
Two weeks into it, they were still fighting over trivial things.
"Come on, what's the harm in buying a new monitor?" Tao argued, his arms crossed as he huffed in exasperation, "that one is barely working anymore, it's flickering already! It's not like you gotta pay all of it, I work just as much as you do. We can split it."
Kris sighed, equally frustrated and firmly clasped his hands together from his position on the couch.
"I know you have a job but..."
"But what? I don't bring in enough money?" Tao snapped back with a raised eyebrow. It was true - his part time job at a supermarket was no match for Kris' full-time job at an office but still. He was willing to pay for his part. Sometimes Kris liked to forget that Tao was indeed an independent person and not a live-in boyfriend.
"That's not it. I just say we should wait until this one breaks down completely. The delivery is only going to take a day or two anyway."
"Why should we waste our time like that when we can buy a new one now and sell the old one as long as it's still worth something? It'd save money." Tao argued right back. It was only reasonable and unlike Kris he liked to think carefully on the way he spent money.
"It's stressful though and," Kris replied, suddenly stumbling over his own words and avoiding his gaze, "you shouldn't spend your hard-earned money on something like this. You... you know I'd pay for another one but it's the end of the month and - let's just wait for a few weeks?"
Tao groaned.
"Why can't you accept that I'm capable of watching after myself?"
Kris clenched his hands, neatly trimmed nails digging into his skin.
"What do you expect? I don't mind spending money for you, but after-"
"You'll never stop treating me like a child, will you?!"
At this, Kris ultimately jumped to his feet, shooting him an angry look.
"Well, maybe if you would stop behaving like one, that would make things much easier!"
"Ooh, sarcasm, I don't need you talking to me like that-"
It was easy, a little too easy to fall into the routine of fighting each other. Tao wasn't one to endure mistreatment for long and soon they were shouting at each other until the neighbors kept pounding against the walls. As if it had magically awoken his boyfriend from slumbering beneath the thick coat of anger, Kris stilled, his palms burning red from where he had slammed them on the table earlier.
Tao immediately followed suit, his posture slumping, the fight seeping out of him. It was over, he knew it was.
He wasn't prepared for Kris to step around the table in long strides and kiss him hard. They tumbled a few steps backwards until Tao's back hit the wall and a whimper was lost in the persistent kiss. His hands were already clawing into the fabric of his dress shirt, his body going pliant under the treatment. His confusion was swiped away and replaced by lust as he felt a huge hand almost desperately pulling him closer by the neck. It wasn't like Kris - he was usually the gentle type, careful in the way he held him, kissed him, made love to him. This was new and the way he was pinning him to the wall with his own body pressed the breath out of him and replaced it with an exhilarated fluttering.
With a dissatisfied groan, Kris drew back, his hand still tangled in Tao's black hair as he shot him an intense look speaking of frustration, confusion and vulnerability. His voice was barely above a whisper, breathed into his mouth.
"Tao, please. Kiss me like you mean it. Please. If you're angry at me, show me."
That evening, they loved each other in a completely different way with Tao rocking on top of him, holding both his hands down as he forced the taller one into submission. It wasn't in Tao's nature but Kris was asking for it, the plea written in his eyes and whispered in between strangled moans. He wanted to be pushed around, to be somehow punished for his behavior, in a sick way. It was hard to wrap his mind around it but seeing the raw emotions in his eyes, he found it impossible to deny him.

The third week had just recently passed when Kris brought home a bunch of job offers he'd collected while walking around the city.
"Look, there's even an opening at Michael Kors," he claimed, shifting the articles over to a skeptical Tao who sat across him, "You like that brand, don't you?"
"Don't be silly, they only take people who absolved a three-year long job training." Tao dismissed him with a sigh, throwing a longing look at the article.
"No harm in trying, right? Or here, they're looking for a part-timer at the cinema, too. Surely this won't collide with your supermarket schedule-"
"Cause I'll be working ridiculous night shifts. You wanna get rid of me at night?" Tao cut in with a pout. That would be a blow to their love life, and not a literal one.
"No babe, of course not-"
"Look." Tao interfered sternly, sliding the prospects aside.
"I will decide what job I want myself, you don't have to search job offers for me. You know I keep searching for suitable ones. Do you think I don't put in enough effort?"
Kris went quiet at that. Tao waited for him to explain himself, to apologize, but he only bit his lip with his eyes cast downwards. Without another word, he got up and left the room, leaving Tao with an unsettling feeling in his stomach.

Four weeks into his therapy, Kris finally snapped. He had been jumpy and flighty in one moment, pensive and quiet in the next and Tao kept wondering whether the therapy was truly good for him. On the plus side, he barely overreacted and hadn't thrown a single object ever since. Until one evening they engaged in another trivial argument. Tao barely remembered the igniting spark, but the heated discussion over basic principles came to an abrupt end when Kris suddenly slammed his fist against the refrigerator, making Tao flinch back.
"Enough!" he belted, one hand already building a fist in his own hair and his eyes firmly shut as if the discussion was giving him a headache. Tao was ready to draw back, assuming he'd go into another fit but to his surprise, Kris eyes were wet as he regarded him with a hurt look, betraying the angry trembling still running through him.
"Why are we like this? Every day I keep asking myself this one question, why are we like this? What went wrong?" he asked, sounding almost broken and Tao hesitated, unsure of how to handle the situation. He took a step towards him, his voice soft and careful.
"I'm sorry-"
"NO, you're not!" Kris snapped back violently and Tao stilled in his tracks.
"You're not sorry, you just want it to work out! All the time I attend this ing therapy sessions because I want it to work out, too! I want us to work out, you know? I'm trying!"
Now that he'd started, there was no stopping and more and more words burst out of him. Words Tao hadn't known were on his mind. Not the way he said them now.
"I'm trying really hard! And every time my therapist keeps telling me to keep track of what I do, to find my triggers and you know what? YOU are the trigger!" he yelled accusingly, still clutching his head with one hand.
Tao didn't say a word though the question 'me?' was clearly written in his confused and slightly angry eyes. Kris just went on and on.
"It's you! You keep pushing me around in every little thing you say, you play games with me, you put me down and make me feel worthless!"
"What?" Tao replied sharply, the anger returning, "What the are you talking about?! When did I ever do any of this?!"
That's it, Kris was officially going crazy. The therapist had manipulated him against Tao.
"All the time, Tao, all the time!" Kris heatedly replied.
"You keep be your low paycheck and expect me to buy you thousand things but if I do so you keep stepping all over me, complaining about me restricting your independence! What was all that about this stupid monitor a few weeks ago? It was barely two months old and yet you insisted on a new one, and you just knew I would pay for all of it, you knew it. And that's what's ing driving me crazy - you know this stuff and do it on purpose, you're playing your sick games with me, you keep manipulating me!"
"M-manipulating?! Which screws exactly came loose during your therapy sessions?!" Tao retaliated sharply, "I'm not manipulating you, do you even hear yourself talking?"
"I do and it was about time I realized - everything you say -every little thing Tao- is downright calculated to make me do, say or feel whatever you want." Kris continued, not yelling anymore but openly incredulous as if the realization was only now truly settling in.
"You praise me for my work but only want me to tell you that you could easily do it as well which in turn downgrades my achievement. You use my inability to say no against me and keep pushing me, only to retaliate and make me feel guilty if I fight back. You twist my words and make it sound like I accuse you, you make yourself look pitiful but at the same time proud, telling me that I'm less worthy than you. You rely on me but are unwilling to accept or appreciate it. You imply that I'm weaker than you, unable to do the things you do with the same ease or grace. That I'm less handsome or less talented or less funny. You're nothing but demanding and selfish and I don't even want to insult you because it's the ing truth."
Kris went on as if he had truly spent a lot of thoughts into this and Tao was close to crying. It was all lies, what was he even saying?
"I didn't see it until everything has become this huge, ugly mess but I see it now. YOU'RE the trigger, Tao."
"I have no idea what you're talking about! Maybe I can be a little difficult once in a while but didn't you love me anyway? I also put up with you, don't I?" Tao inquired, his eyes already suspiciously wet. Kris only groaned.
"See? You're doing it again, right now. Instead of confronting and solving the problem you brush it off, making me feel guilty for misbehaving in the past and questioning my love-"
"I don't do any of this! It's just me, why do you suddenly hate me?! I never did anything wrong!" Tao finally yelled, his composure completely lost.
Kris stepped forward, reaching for his upper arm and searching his eyes.
"Tao, I love you." he stated firmly. It made Tao pause and try to choke his sniffles.
"I really, really do. I'm madly in love with you. I want to trust you. But sometimes I feel like you're just using me. Please. Let's work it out together."
He brutally ripped his arm out of Kris' grasp and took a step away.
"What's wrong with you? Why are you doubting me like that? I've never used you, the therapist made you think that-"
"She didn't. It was me bringing it up." Kris cut him off, looking strangely sad.
"Tao. I make a lot of mistakes and I'm working on them. Why don't you accompany me the next time, we can work it out together-"
"There's nothing wrong with me!" Tao yelled angrily, turning around to storm out of the kitchen. Barely five minutes later he left the apartment with a small bag slung over his shoulder.
Kris stayed behind, crouched down on the kitchen floor and holding his pulsing head, fighting the urge to throw anything or hurt himself. Instead, he kept talking, kept expressing his inner thoughts to keep himself grounded.
"Why are we like this? Why are we so bad for each other? We're poisoning us. Why? Why..."
He ended up crying, just like Tao did in the hotel room that evening.

Tao spent most of his time lounging around in the hotel room, fighting his conflicting feelings. His part-time job unfortunately only kept him busy for about ten hours a week, giving him lots of time to think.
Kris had turned against him, just like that. Fine, he thought. He could live without him, he was an independent person. He shouldn't just take the way he was treating him. He'd search for a cheaper apartment, get his things and just move on.
Those were Tao's actual thoughts so why was he stalling so much time?
One week prior Tao would have been certain that he could just return at any time, pout a little and Kris would let it go. But now that he sat in his room for days, remembering the way his lover had looked at him, he wasn't too sure anymore.
And as much as the realization hurt, Tao wanted to go back. He wanted Kris to hold him, kiss him and love him again. But Kris had this really twisted view on things and would he ever be able to love him the way he had before?

The days passed and Kris had been through his fifth week of therapy when the bell rung and he found Tao at the doorstep. He had red eyes, his body language much less confident than before and it probably mirrored Kris', who almost shied away at the sight, only to regain his composure and swallowing dryly as he opened the door for him. Tao didn't just stride inside with his head held high, making himself at home as he usually did. Instead he stayed with his back at the closed door, his eyes flitting around, unable to keep eye contact with Kris.
"Hey." he mumbled quietly and Kris bit his lip, anxious of what to expect.
"Hey." he quietly gave back.
Tao hesitated. For a long, awkward moment neither said a word, feeling foreign in their own home.
"I didn't know you felt that bad." he suddenly muttered into the room, still unwilling to look him in the eye as he shuffled his feet.
"You... you should have told me and- no. That's... not what you want me to say, right?"
His voice sounded insecure and almost empty. Kris twitched as if fighting the urge to hug him but it seemed like he really wouldn't let him go that easily.
"I... if it makes you happy, I'll go to the therapy with you."
Kris' expression dropped slightly, to his surprise.
"But... you won't do it because you think you did something wrong."
It wasn't a question as much as it was a statement and Tao finally looked up, genuine confusion written over his features.
"I don't know. No, I... to be honest I don't. But I really wanna be with you. Really, it's the most important thing to me. I'll be less difficult, I'll go into therapy, whatever you want, I'll try it. I'll do it all. So... please. Take me back?" he trailed off, feeling more vulnerable than ever.
Kris appeared to be conflicted but finally gave in and drew Tao into a deep hug. It was warm and he felt the tension slowly leave him. It was all very complicated but with his nose buried in the other's warm shoulder Tao felt like this was exactly what he needed and he'd made the right choice.
“I didn't even let you go, silly.” Kris murmured into his hair and Tao smiled a tiny, shy smile.

The sixth week of therapy passed and Tao didn't throw a fit when he looked at the preposterous piece of paper accusing him of suffering from antisocial personality disorder. He didn't protest, didn't shout and just held on to Kris' hand very tightly.
Because he didn't want to lose him. That was the most important thing now.

...this is not exactly easy to comprehend, I realize that.
Did I manage to fool you at least a little?
Yes, Kris was suffering from anger management issues but Tao wasn't innocent at all.
(Hence the title - there are always two in a relationship, and it's rarely only one person's fault if stuff goes wrong)
The thing about antisocial personality disorder is that people truly don't realize their mistakes, making it incredibly hard to deal with it.
It prevents people from feeling empathy and makes them manipulative and distrusting. It's basically what many people would brush off as being a jerk.

As I usually do, there will probably be a sequel in the future, featuring Kris' point of view which will clear up a lot of stuff. Buuut I'm really busy at the moment so I can't promise when I'll be able to get to that.

Any remarks, comments, criticism? Feel free to let me know~

Love,
Sugar-and-Salt