I brush myself off and get up
As much as I suffered, you just watch
You mess with love,
you mess with friendship – just watch

6. This is War

Youngdal had never been a very subtle person for as long as Jinyoung had known him, so he was expecting him to act sooner rather than later. Every time he showed up at1000₩ or took Mark back to his apartment, he was on high alert, anticipating Youngdal materializing at any moment and causing whatever trouble he had in mind. The hard part was not knowing what Youngdal was even planning to begin with. Jinyoung had already told him he wasn't going to change his mind, so he had to assume Youngdal would try to change Mark's mind. Youngdal did have some dirt on him, most of it completely petty and childhood related, and Jinyoung really hoped he wasn't going to show up and tell Mark about the times he wet the bed when he was little or ate popcorn off the floor at movie theaters. Mark wouldn't dump him over it, of course, but he'd probably find the whole thing hysterical and laugh like a hyena over it.

Still, Jinyoung kept racking his brain. Was there something Youngdal had on him that could interfere with his relationship? They'd been together when they were young, and things had never gotten that ual between them. There had been kissing, of course, and touching, but nothing Mark wouldn't have already anticipated him doing. Youngdal could rub being Jinyoung's first love in Mark's face all he wanted, but Mark was always saying that right now mattered more. It wouldn't change anything, Jinyoung thought.

"You shouldn't worry about it so much, man," Jackson advised him on his break. "Unless you committed murder. If you committed murder, he might break up with you. Unless it was in self-defense. He'd be down with that."

"I'm not that worried," Jinyoung said. "And I've never committed murder. I just don't want to have to be on edge all the time about when and how he's going to show up. And I don't want a part of my past dropping in and playing with Mark's mind."

"He signed up to put up with your past," Jackson reminded him. "You just gotta trust that he knew what he was getting into."

In the end, Youngdal never showed up in the two weeks after his meeting with Jinyoung. Jinyoung started to relax again, which was made even easier by the fact that Mark made it as difficult as possible to dwell on it. Even though they had missed outing night with the pizza crew, Mark took him on outings of his own, hiking at the Grand Park, taking leisurely trips up the cable cars and just admiring the world around them, going to the New York cafe from their past "date" and ordering coffee and bagels. Mark was an interesting date compared to other people Jinyoung had gone out with. Sometimes he'd lapse into silence and just stare at Jinyoung, lips turned up cutely at the corners. Jinyoung would flush and yell at him for making him feel awkward, and Mark would just laugh and take his hand.

"I'm no fun, aren't I?" he'd say, but that wasn't true, not even for a moment. Jinyoung wasn't sure if "fun" was the word he was looking for, but every time they got together and every time he looked into Mark's eyes was filled with such happiness that he didn't really care exactly what they were doing or saying. The entertainment level didn't matter so much if his joy was always at its highest point.

The threat of Youngdal didn't shatter that joy. It was only the thought that had come back to him in his dreams, the question mark that always followed after the concept of forever, that kept him on edge. He knew Mark loved him, but had no confidence in his ability to be someone Mark loved indefinitely. He didn't even understand what it was that made people stop loving each other in the first place. Growing apart? How were you supposed to avoid that when many drifts were so slow you never noticed until it was too late? How could he stop himself from changing in little ways over time when change was inevitable, but change could turn you into someone another person wouldn't love as much as the old you?

And then Mark would hold him closely at night, smoothing out the creases on his forehead. "You're too serious, Jinyoungie," he'd murmur into his ear. "I'm right here." And with his skin on Jinyoung's, warm and gentle and his, Jinyoung would forget everything until the next dream where Mark's warmth would be taken away from him and he was no longer right there, but gone.

0

Three weeks after Jinyoung had run into Youngdal, it began. He didn't even realize it at first. He'd walked into 1000₩ as usual, all ready to boast about the A he'd gotten on his exam. It was when his eyes started darting around the place, looking for Mark, that they landed on a familiar figure.

It wasn't Youngdal.

It was Hojin. Boyfriend number two, the one he'd gone after following his break up with Youngdal so he wouldn't have to put up with being friends any more. Unlike Youngdal, Hojin had changed a bit over time. He'd always been a kind of granola guy, but now he'd gone on full on judging by his loafers, pitiful stab at facial hair, hemp jewelry, and the way he was glaring at his slice of pizza. He stood out quite a bit among all the other customers, who were happily downing colas and letting the pizza grease slip down their fingers.

Jinyoung whirled around and walked out of the parlor, peeking just slightly into the store window. Hojin was now mopping up his pizza slice with a napkin and making gag faces as it quickly became soaked. Mark walked by him to clean up table 2, and Hojin stopped him, pointing at his napkin as if Mark could do anything about it.

What was he doing there?

Mark walked away, and Hojin turned his attention to his cell phone, occasionally glancing at the front door. Mark was also glancing at it regularly. Jinyoung thought about tapping on the glass to let him know he was there, but he didn't know how to do it without also getting Hojin's attention.

Instead he crossed the street and pulled out his cell phone to text Mark. Can't come in right now. Let me know when Captain Crunch at table 3 goes away.

Mark texted back quickly. He's never going to finish that pizza, so he might be here forever. Why?

Please appreciate how embarrassing it is for me to admit this. But that's my ex boyfriend.

Two seconds later, Jinyoung's phone was ringing. "THAT?" Mark was saying in between his forever awkward sounding giggles. "THAT is your boyfriend?"

"No, the dying hyena on your premises is my boyfriend," Jinyoung said crossly. "Hojin is my ex."

"You're serious? You dated him? Jinyoung, he asked if we had government issued evidence that the veggies on the veggie pizza were organically grown."

Jinyoung cracked a smile. "Did he?"

"He also asked Jackson to stop playing EXO, since it was too mainstream. I'm questioning your taste right now, seriously."

"He wasn't that bad when I dated him."

"That's a relief. If I have to question your taste, I have to question myself, too, don't I?"

"I like you for better reasons than I've ever liked anyone, you know that," Jinyoung said softly.

"I do. So I hope you're not worried about this guy showing up. He's a riot."

"He's expecting me to be there, isn't he? He's still glancing towards the door?"

"Yeah."

"Youngdal sent him there. He wanted him to have some sort of scene with me, in front of you."

"Maybe. I really doubt he's here for the pizza and atmosphere. I'll have Jackson turn the EXO up and see how long he lasts."

Jinyoung sighed. "Mark. Maybe I should stay away from 1000₩ for awhile. If this guy doesn't work out for whatever Youngdal's plan is, there are others. Lots of others. I mean, Youngdal doesn't know about all of them, but I'm sure he knows plenty-"

"Jinyoung," Mark interrupted him. "Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't make it sound like something you have to be ashamed of. You dated these guys. You can meet them head on, I know you can. I'm not going to hate you or be grossed about it, right? I really think it's better than hiding from it." Jinyoung heard a sudden burst of "Love Me Right" turning on at full blast accompanied by Jackson singing "SHAWTY IMMA PARTY TIL THE SUN DOWN" with all his might. "We'll get rid of this guy for you, though," Mark yelled into his phone over Jackson. "He's insulting the integrity of 1000₩."

Jinyoung smiled as he watched it all unfolding across the street, Hojin storming out of the pizza parlor, hands over his ears. He held his breath for a moment, hesitating as Hojin glanced down the street, unsure of where to go. It would be so easy to just to let him and the others just fade into the past where they belonged, but maybe that really was hiding. If Youngdal wanted a fight, Jinyoung was going to fight with him.

He cupped his hands over his lips. "Seo Hojin!" he called out. "Long time no see."

0

It didn't go as badly as he thought it would.

Hojin had gone to study abroad in Boston after breaking up with Jinyoung, and had come out officially overseas. "I felt sorry over how things ended between us," he'd said, looking Jinyoung square in the eyes. "Youngdal may have asked me to come, but I really just wanted to see you, all right? I wanted to know you were doing well."

He showed a picture of his boyfriend back in the States, who was an Agriculture major. "There are so many exciting farming technologies being developed overseas," Hojin had continued excitedly. "I'm going to be moving there full time next semester. My parents don't know whether to be excited or disown me, but it's something."

Jinyoung was surprised with how peaceable it was. Hojin wanted to know all about Mark ("He's a good looking guy, but that attitude he gave me about the veggie pizzas...") and1000₩ ("Jinyoung, you have to stop eating there. You'll die"), and the two spent a good half-hour chatting outside. He hadn't thought it would be, but it was satisfying to put a good closing note on their relationship. Hojin may have dumped him because the thought of coming out had made him nervous, but Jinyoung had pretty much started the relationship using him to get over Youngdal, so they both had something to atone for. Jinyoung was proud of Hojin for being able to come out, and Hojin seemed proud of him for finally finding someone he really loved.

When Jinyoung went back inside, Jackson had turned down EXO and Mark was waiting for him. "So?" he asked, smiling gently.

"It went fine," Jinyoung said. He plunked down into the seat Hojin had vacated. “He just wanted to say goodbye. He's moving to America, it turns out.”

“Yeah?”

“That's not why Youngdal asked him to come, of course. But it was nice of Hojin to use it as an opportunity to make amends.”

“Maybe this Youngdal guy is trying to show you that if you can forgive these other guys, you should be able to forgive him.”

Jinyoung snorted. “The difference is Hojin had no ulterior motives. He's happy for you and me.”

“Wait, he's not worried about me not being organic enough for you?”

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “He thinks you have an attitude, but don't we all?” He paused. “You know, you're really something for putting up with this.”

“Hmmm?”

“I mean, all the ex-boyfriends. That you're even okay with me talking to them is, I don't know... just unusual.”

Mark stared at him, his lips turning down a little. “I wish you wouldn't call it 'putting up' with it.”

“Well... is that not what it is?”

“I said I loved you, didn't I? Why do you think the 'you' in 'I love you' doesn't include the parts you're not proud of? They're you, Jinyoungie. I'm not 'putting up' with anything. If there was a part of you I didn't like or want, why would I say I loved you?”

“I... I don't know.” His stomach felt odd at Mark's words. He said everything so straightforwardly, as if it was all so obvious and Jinyoung was blind for not knowing, but it was still his first time hearing anyone saying things like that about him. He was more used to hearing that he wasn't who people thought he was, that the bad parts of him ruined the impression he tried to give people of himself. He'd thought he'd have to trim those parts of himself to make someone love him.

Mark reached across the table and grabbed his hands. “Jinyoung.”

“I love you,” Jinyoung whispered, his throat feeling tight. “Whether you're putting up with it or not, I love you for it. And thank you for making me talk to Hojin. And whatever happens with the others, when and if they come, thank you.”

Mark nodded, but was still looking at him expectantly. Jinyoung had no idea what he was waiting for, and didn't know what further to say. Mark sighed, and squeezed his hands slightly. “But...?” he prompted.

“What do you mean, 'but'?”

“I hear a dangling 'but' in there somewhere. I love you, thank you, but...?”

Jinyoung shook his head. “There isn't one.”

“If you're still waking up in the middle of the night crying, there's a 'but' in there somewhere.”

“Why are you doing this? I love you. 100%” He paused. He felt it himself, then, the dangling 'but'. But will you love me forever, every single part of me, good or bad, that's there now or will come later? Will I always love you?

“You do,” Mark said. “You love me 100%. But every time I'm with you, you ask me not to go anywhere. Where exactly am I going?”

“I don't know,” Jinyoung said a second time.

“I think that might be the problem,” Mark said back. “You not knowing. I get it. I didn't know either. That day I talked to you here for the first time when you were actually sober for it, I didn't know what was going to happen. You know, I'd been building up to it happening since god knows how long, but for all of that, you could have just shut me down completely. Actually, so many things could have gone wrong. BamBam could have pushed me into your beer pitcher and it could have spilled all over your lap and you could have been so pissed that you'd never show your face here again. And before that, you could have really fallen in love with one of those guys you dated, and I would have been blocked from my chance to tell you how I felt before I got the nerve for it. I could have had to move back to America for some reason. You could have moved to another city for university and stopped coming here. But none of those things happened. This happened. And I don't know what's going to come after this either, but what if these good things just keep on happening and happening? Why would I go anywhere without finding that out?”

When he finished, he had that look on his face, the annoyed one he got whenever Jinyoung made him talk too much. It struck Jinyoung that maybe this wasn't something he was supposed to love so much, ticking the person he loved off by making him speak so much when he didn't like talking in the first place, but he loved it, that Mark did it anyways because he felt like it was something that needed to be said.

“Can I ask you something, then?” Jinyoung said. “It has to do with dangling 'but'.”

“Go ahead.”

“Why don't people who are in love stay in love?”

Mark lifted an eyebrow. “What kind of people are we talking about here? Plenty of people who are in love stay in love.”

“Don't ask for specifications. Just answer with whatever you think the answer is.”

“All right. They probably don't stay in love for as many reasons as people fall in love in the first place. I think you're more concerned about why people fall in love at all, knowing that it could end?”

Jinyoung considered. “Maybe.”

“It's probably for the same reason I talked to you, even though I knew it could end badly.”

“Which was...?”

“If it didn't end badly and there was a chance you could love me like I loved you, just how worth it would everything be?” His lips finally quirked up again. “And you know what, it would be worth it even if you break up with me now or in one year or five years or twenty years. I'm not going to regret talking to you that day. Ever.”

Jinyoung's eyes widened. Mark's answer was the exact same reason why he'd dated so incessantly in the first place. If I can find just one person who won't disappoint me the way everyone else did, just how worth it would it be? But at the same time, Mark had the missing piece Jinyoung never did. The not regretting part. Jinyoung had always seen the inevitable end coming and hated himself for putting himself in the position to meet it, hating also the person responsible for bringing that end about. But what if he hadn't hated himself, all those times? What if he had just enjoyed the ride rather than worrying so much about the end, putting his faith in his heart at the moment rather than dreading the broken heart and the bitter recovery?

“The woman in the movie,” Jinyoung whispered. “I always knew she wasn't crying because she was miserable. I was the miserable one. Was that the problem all along?”

“Hmm?” Mark asked. “What movie?”

Jinyoung shook his head. “It doesn't matter. Just, thank you.”

“Thanks for what, now?”

“Thank you for telling me what you're thinking. You always do it so much clearer than I do.” He cleared his throat. “You said you fell in love with me because I kept on believing in love, even when I kept on losing it. But really, up until now, I never believed in love being forever.”

Mark sighed. “It's not that surprising, Jinyoung. You're used to people leaving you. Even if it was mostly their idiocy and not yours, there's no way that wouldn't leave an impression on you.”

“But I'm so happy right now. I don't want to spend all of our time together wondering when you'll leave. I'm already starting to, and it's killing me.”

“Then what are you going to do?”

“Just live, I guess. Be happy with you for as long as we have.” Jinyoung shifted in his seat. "But more than that. I'm going to trust you."

Mark stared at him wordlessly.

"There was only one other relationship I went into because I trusted the person. One. And how it ended messed up everything after it. You know that. And because you know that... because you watched it, because you're even still here after watching it, I know you won't let it happen again. Whether your love will last forever or not, I know you won't throw my trust back in my face. I know it."

Mark nodded, his expression turning solemn. “Then, thank you for telling me what you're thinking. There's just one more thing.”

“Yeah?”

“The first time we really talked, you said that love has a price. And that you don't just pay it once, but keep paying it over and over again.”

“Right...”

“That's why people in love don't stay in love. They reach a point where one or both isn't willing to pay their part anymore.” He squeezed Jinyoung's hands one last time. “You can place the stakes wherever you want, Jinyoungie, and these exes of yours can raise me with everything they have. There isn't a price too high for me. I've already bet it all.”

0

The next day, Youngdal summoned boyfriend number five, Minsoo. Minsoo wound up being a little bit like Youngdal himself, angling for any possibility of getting back together now that he was a little less ually insecure than he'd used to be, but Jinyoung was sure to shut him down as quickly as possible. It didn't take much convincing after Minsoo caught sight of Youngjae in the back and suddenly turned the tables by pumping Jinyoung for information on the “smiling angel” pizza chef.

After Minsoo was Donghoon, who'd worked through his ual confusion to come to the realization he was bi, and was currently dating a woman, though he gave a 'who knows' shrug as to what the future would bring. He didn't have much to say to Jinyoung and didn't bother trying to start anything with Mark, explaining he'd only decided to go to 1000₩ when Youngdal had asked because he wanted cheap pizza. He left after five slices with a very civil farewell.

Jinyoung was a bit surprised at how Youngdal's plan was barely working. Of course, Mark had been determined not to be bothered from it from the beginning , but Jinyoung hadn't expected his exes to all be this amicable. He was expecting at least one of them to be vindictive about something or another he'd done-- moving on too fast after they'd dumped him, or for throwing something at them during said dumping, which had been known to happen. But other than one occasion where ex number ten Jinwoong attempted to pinch his and proposition him for a no-strings booty call and Mark “accidentally” spilled slop water from his clean up bin on him, it felt like nothing was really happening. He'd talk to one ex or another, find out what they were doing, talk to them about school or work or whatever, and then say goodbye. No one seemed to want to do much more than that.

“Maybe you're not the kind of person anyone would want bitter revenge on,” Mark said one night, running his hands through Jinyoung's hair.

“Tell that to Youngdal.”

“I wouldn't call what he's doing revenge, exactly. I mean, that's probably what it feels like, but he's trying to get back together with you by doing this.”

“He always did things the idiotic way.”

“I bet that was secretly one of the things you liked about him.”

Jinyoung wrinkled his nose. “What would make you say that?”

“Actually, that might just be me hoping you like the idiotic parts of me.”

“I like everything about you.” He kissed Mark's cheek. “And maybe I probably did like that about him back then, back when it wasn't screwing with someone I cared about.”

“He isn't really screwing with me. Not if I refuse to be screwed with.”

“I know.” Jinyoung propped himself up on his elbows and studied Mark's face. “Do you think you would be all right meeting Youngdal?”

“I thought that was the inevitable end to his little scheme, right? I've been planning on it for a while, now.”

“But how do you think you would feel? Would you want to haul him out and punch him in the face? Would the two of you talk it out like rational adults and shake hands over it?”

“No idea. I only know this guy from your words, after all. I don't think I could even say until I see him close up.” He rapped his knuckle against Jinyoung's chin. “But in the end, it's you who he has to settle things with, not me, right? To him, I'm just another boyfriend of yours, no different from anyone who came before. He's not going to care if I say it's not like that. He'll only believe it if it's coming from you.”

“I already told him.” Jinyoung paused. “But I guess I know best that telling someone and showing them are two completely different things. ”

“Very true.”

“Now, enough about Youngdal. You're the one here right now, and that matters more than anything.” He rested his head on Mark's shoulder. Their bodies were so different from each other, Jinyoung's well proportioned but somehow soft, and Mark's scrappy but somehow strong, but they managed to fit together so well in their own way. Jinyoung didn't even understand it, how two different people could find each other against all odds and fill each other's lives with beauty that had been missing before, but even just resting in his familiar room, surrounding by the items bought by himself or given to him by his parents, the world seemed to exist in a different light with Mark's arm around his body.There isn't a price too high for me. I've already bet it all. It had taken him some time to fully process those words, but he felt like he understood them now. He was gambling with his life, his happiness, and his future, the highest stakes imaginable, and Mark was going all in with everything he had to give. If he didn't at least call Mark's bet, what was he even doing, greedily taking in the warmth and light Mark brought with him?

When Mark fell asleep, Jinyoung gently slipped out of bed and went to the kitchen, leaning against the counter and going through his contact list on his phone. He was slightly annoyed with himself for even keeping Youngdal in his phone to begin with, but he'd considered it an issue of practicality since Youngdal still lived in the same neighborhood as his parents and was a contact point for family emergencies. In any case, it was a bit of a relief at the moment that he could never bring himself to delete it, now that he needed to use it just one more time.

Youngdal answered almost immediately. “You're up late. Need some company?”

“I don't think the man in my bed would appreciate that, actually,” Jinyoung quipped.

“Still together, huh?”

“If you thought a handful of ex-boyfriends would scare him off, you thought wrong. It's a bit cowardly, don't you think? You should at least do the hard work yourself.”

“I didn't think he'd last long enough to warrant me showing up myself. Jealousy would usually get the best of someone.”

“Clearly.”

“So he's not the jealous type, then? Knowing how many people you've been with before him doesn't make his blood boil?”

“Does it make yours?”

“I'm not going to lie, it's not something I like to think of.”

“So why do you want to be with me? The number of people I've dated isn't going to go away. If it makes your blood boil now, it's never going to stop boiling. Mark is different from that. He knows accepting me means accepting everything that has happened up to now.”

“You think that if it helps you sleep. But I don't know any man who wouldn't have second thoughts about seeing someone who's first love is still in the picture.”

“I wasn't the one who put you there. If you're insisting on being in the picture, actually be in it. Come to 1000₩ tomorrow and find out for yourself if he'll have any second thoughts. And if he doesn't, if you're wrong, feel free to step outside of the picture for good this time. I'd like to commit myself fully to this relationship. And you... you deserve to find someone whose blood won't boil over me or any other person you've dated.” Jinyoung took a deep breath. “That's as much of a concession as you'll get out of me. Good night.”

Before Youngdal could respond, he dropped the call and shut off his phone, releasing his pent up breath. So many things had begun with Youngdal, and there was never going to be a way to erase his mark on Jinyoung's life. But Jinyoung was ready to put a close on it after so long, to move forward from him rather than purge him completely from his life. Youngdal was someone he had needed before, but Mark was who he needed for everything that had come after. If the two different parts of his life, his past and his future, had to collide, than so be it. He was only planning on going forward no matter how hard the past tailed at his back.

0

“You coward, you who messed with my love-e-e,” Jackson yelled into a bottle of hot sauce, his microphone for his MBLAQ anthem of the day. “IT'S WAR!”

“Jackson is really getting into this,” Jaebum said dryly. “Very nice of him.”

“Come on, aren't you kind of interested in this guy, too?” Youngjae asked, bouncing on his heels. “The famous ex? I'm dying to see what he looks like.”

“If he doesn't order pizza properly, I'm still kicking him out.”

“Mark seems pretty calm.”

Jinyoung glanced across the pizza parlor to where Mark was refilling the napkin dispenser at table 1. Jinyoung had given him advanced warning about his invitation to Youngdal, but Mark seemed fairly indifferent to the prospect of seeing ex-boyfriend number one face to face. “What I said to you the other day isn't going to change,” was all he'd said, and Jinyoung had felt a pleasant rush at that. Just hearing it was nice on its own, but being able to instinctively believe it because Mark was the one saying it to him was even better.

Jinyoung crossed the room to table 1. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey.” Mark smoothed Jinyoung's hair away from his face. “All right?”

“Of course I'm all right. I just want this over with. There are things I'd much rather be doing right now.”

“Like...?”

“Well, there are all kind of dates I've never been on in my life, right?” Jinyoung smiled at him. “It wasn't just the Han River and everything we've been doing since then. I've never been to the top of a Ferris Wheel with anybody, or cooked them dinner-”

“Aren't you a terrible cook?”

“I'd make you eat it anyways. I've never hung up a lock at the tower at Namsan with anybody. I've never gone to a pension. Or LA. I've never set foot outside of the country.” He took Mark's hand. “Now that I'm thinking of it, there's so many things I want to do that I haven't gotten the chance to do yet.”

“And this guy standing in the way is stopping us?”

Jinyoung shook his head. “Maybe everything he stood for was before. But not any more. I've been a person with too many loose ends up until now, and I just want to be free before I go on. You know what the Japanese say about the Red String of Fate.” He squeezed Mark's hand. “I only want to be tied by you.”

Mark finally grinned. “You know, you've made a lot of progress. I didn't actually think I'd be able to teach you anything about love because I didn't know myself, but look at you.”

“I think you knew much more than you thought you did.”

“I only really knew how I felt about you. The rest just kind of fell into place as we went along. And that's probably how it's going to be from now on, right?”

“I'm looking forward to it.”

Behind him, the door opened. It had been doing that often since it was peak hours, but Jinyoung could tell that this time was different.  Jinyoung glanced over his shoulder. He wasn't surprised to see Youngdal standing there, arms folded across his chest and face pinched into a tight frown. Mark placed a hand on Jinyoung's forearm and pushed him back, stepping forward to place some distance between Youngdal and him. 

“Now that I'm finally in here, I recognize this place,” Youngdal said without any further introduction, looking at Jinyoung and ignoring Mark. “We had my birthday party here when I was, what, ten or so? I wouldn't have imagined you'd hook up with an employee, but then again, I doubt anyone here was an employee when I was ten.”

“Nice to see you, too, Youngdal,” Jinyoung said stiffly. He glanced at the corner of his eyes at Mark, who was stony faced. But he usually was stony faced in general unless he was talking to Jinyoung. Youngdal would have to perform a small miracle to get a smile out of him the way he was going.

“So this is your Mark?” Youngdal asked, jutting his chin out at Mark. “I'd ask if he was your type, but you never actually really had a type, huh? You were always pretty indiscriminate.”

“I hope you realize that you're also insulting yourself by saying that,” Jinyoung muttered.

“I'm standing right here,” Mark said. “If you have anything to say to me, feel free to say it to my face.”

“And in front of the whole store, it looks like.” Youngdal's eyes darted to the front counter. Jackson had turned down MBLAQ, and he, Jaebum, Youngjae, and even BamBam, who had been in the back filching banana peppers from Youngjae were congregated at the front, staring at the three of them.

“Just get on with it,” Jinyoung said, waving his hand. “Say what you want and leave.”

“You'll have to order a slice first,” Jaebum called from the front counter. “No loitering.”

“Give me a pepperoni slice, then,” Youngdal said, rolling his eyes. Youngjae grabbed one from the counter display and handed it off. Youngdal was no Hojin and had a vast appreciation for grease, so quickly took a big bite of it, eyes widening in enjoyment. “It's even better than when we were kids. No wonder you spent so much time here, Jinyoungie.”

“That's not the reason he spent so much time here,” Mark said flatly.

“Oh, you think he was here for you? All the way back when he was sixteen?” Youngdal set his paper plate down. “I'll tell you something about Jinyoungie. Lots of things, actually. We've known each other since we were four. I used to do everything with him. Baths, play dates, climbing trees, sleepovers, tests of courage. I've been kissing him even before we had out first real kiss. Even before everything happened, just seeing him would send my stomach over the edge of some kind of cliff. We didn't actually get together before we were teens, but I liked him for ages. And he liked me for even longer than I liked him. Since you were eight, right Jinyoungie? There was a time where we got caught out at the park in a storm, and I put both of our coats over his head so he wouldn't get wet, even though I got soaked. That was when he started noticing how he felt. I started feeling it... that must have been when I was ten? Not long before that birthday party here. He used to kiss my cheeks over every little thing, and I just loved how soft his lips were. I didn't realize what that really meant until later, but that's when I started feeling it to start with.

“We were just kids when we were together, and maybe kids don't really fall in love properly, but I loved Jinyoungie, I really did. He can become quiet an aggressive kisser, can't he? And the way his eyelashes flutter when he's falling asleep is precious. He's kind spirited, but so harsh when he's teasing. I can't think of anything I didn't like about Jinyoungie. And you may not believe this because of how he is now, but he loved everything about me. It was like God put us together on the planet as soulmates. And, yeah, I may have wrecked it because I was young and an idiot. But soulmates don't change because of the mistakes of one or the other. And that's the thing about Jinyoungie. He hasn't loved anyone since me. He throws himself in relationships looking for love, but he already found it once, so how can he find it again? Love hasn't left him. Everyone else is a distraction, but he and I were real, he and I were love. He may think the two of you are different, and you probably think that, too, but what do you know about him? He's latching onto you because you promise you won't leave him, but what kind of hollow promise is that? You can't promise him that any more than I could. Holding you to a promise you can't even keep isn't love. There's no other soulmate you can have but me.”

Jinyoung glanced at Mark, his hands shaking. It was a hard thing to listen to, because Jinyoung had once thought those things himself. He'd done his share of worrying about soulmates, or whether it had really been other people or rather his lack of capacity to love other people which had landed him on the receiving end of so many failed relationships. He'd believed in that once, and maybe it had been true, but it had stopped being true the moment he fell in love with Mark. Jinyoung knew that. But would Mark continue believing in it if Youngdal kept shooting holes in it?

Jinyoung glanced at him. Mark looked like a sea of calm, other than the cold look on his face. He was simply starting at Youngdal, blinking unemotionally during the entirety of his speech. If Youngdal was expecting some kind of physical fight, he clearly wasn't going to get one.

“You think I don't know Jinyoungie?” Mark asked, lifting an eyebrow. “You think because you were friends since you were four, I can't possibly know anything? I can't possibly know anyone I've seen almost every month from when he was sixteen until now?”

“What can you possibly know from watching someone eating pizza?”

“None of us here were just watching him eating pizza. The day I met him was the day you two broke up, did you know that? Did you know that he came right in, crying his eyes out, ordered ten slices of pizza and ate them all within fifteen minutes as if that would muffle his tears? Did you know that he stayed in here until closing, practically dry heaving since he was crying so hard? Did you know he came here after every single break up after that, crying and gorging and drinking until he became sick, and it was rarely ever for any heart break other than the one you gave him? Did you know there was one time that was so bad that I sat down right at his table and told him I was worried he was going to kill himself if he went on like this? Jinyoung was so drunk that I don't think he heard me, but he buried his head in my lap and cried, begging me not to go anywhere, not to throw his love away like it was something worthless. He called me by your name, that day. That day and all the others, up until I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore.” He folded his arms across his chest. “I know Jinyoungie. I know better than anyone how in love he was with you, and just how destructive that love was. You didn't just break up with him. You shattered his faith in himself and almost shattered his belief in love right along with it. I saw all of those things you never got to see because you threw him away, and you say I don't know Park Jinyoung?”

Youngdal's eyes slowly traveled to Jinyoung. Jinyoung wondered if their eyes were mirrors of each other at that moment, Youngdal reeling from the shock of finding out just how Jinyoung had spent his time at 1000₩, and Jinyoung from the shock of knowing how much Mark had seen without telling him for all this time. Mark had always claimed he hadn't known the real reason why Jinyoung was going to 1000₩ until several visits later, and even that Jinyoung had slipped from his mind after the first visit when he was sixteen, but now Jinyoung had to wonder if Mark only said that to hide just how aware he had been of everything Jinyoung had gone through.

“So if you know he loves me-” Youngdal began in a small voice.

“He doesn't,” Mark said. “That was the very last thing you destroyed. Never his belief in love, but his love for you. Because I knew even before I talked to Jinyoungie, if he still loved you as much as he did when he could have cried himself to death over you, he would never tell me he loved me. He would wait for me to say it and go out if I asked him, just like he did with everyone else. It would be just me forcing my love on him and him taking it without trusting me to really mean it indefinitely. But I knew if I never said I loved him first, and if he didn't love me, it would never go anywhere because he wouldn't want to betray his love for you. So if I wanted to know how he really felt, I had to leave the decision entirely up to him.” Mark turned his gaze to Jinyoung, staring straight into his eyes. “I know a lot about Jinyoung, things he probably never wanted me to know. And I know he's never said 'I love you' to anyone before they said it to him after you. He didn't want to trust himself to give it genuinely when he thought it would be less than he'd imagined it, like it had been with you.”

It felt like a thousand little things were clicking into place. There was so much had Mark had done and said differently when they'd started talking to each other, and Jinyoung had written almost all of it off as teasing or his personality quirks, but every little piece of it had been purposeful. Even though he'd had no idea whether Jinyoung would love him or not, Mark had done everything he could to make sure he wasn't forcing Jinyoung into anything, and that Jinyoung was choosing what he wanted for himself every step of the way.

“That's why you never said anything,” Jinyoung said, dazedly. “Not about you liking me before, not about why you were really helping me, not about your uality or about what your jokes about it meant. Because I'd never come directly to someone on my own without them coming to me first unless I really meant it.” He shook his head in bewilderment. “I... you didn't even outright say you liked me even after I told you I liked you! You made me say it! All you even said was that it was a 'safe assumption' until-”

“-until you said the words Being with someone I love wouldn't make me an easy man, would it?”

“You... you... all of that...for me....”

“Jinyoung.”

This time it was Youngdal's voice interrupting him. Jinyoung turned his head. He'd half forgotten he was there in the whirlwind of what Mark had just said to him, and seeing him still standing there threw him back into reality all over again.

“I didn't know,” Youngdal said, his voice heavy.

“About?”

“You being that upset... that it lasted that long. I seriously thought that you didn't care because of how quickly you started dating someone else. I thought you might still have been in love with me, but never... but never that you hated yourself because of it.”

“Because I didn't want you to know,” Jinyoung said. “And yes. You were right. It was only you for me up until the fireworks festival at the Han River. Mark pissed me off with how much he made me rethink everything, but it worked. I don't know about soulmates or destiny or being able to love multiple people in a lifetime or what, but I know I found love again. And I know whatever promises he's made me aren't hollow. I'm sorry if you really do still love me, but that's the way it is.”

“You really said you loved him first?”

“I did.”

“You never said it first with me, you know. You loved me for two years longer than I loved you, and you still wouldn't say it first.”

Jinyoung tilted his head. “Didn't I?”

“You said I don't want anyone I love to go away. I'm the one who overreacted and insisted you were talking about a specific person, because I wanted to confess to you. It took you weeks to say 'I love you' outright, because it was always but will you love me forever? with you.” Youngdal shook his head. “But this time you really are serious. Well. I can't say that's what I wanted to hear, but I'll look pretty stupid if I don't bow out now.”

“You already did look stupid,” Jackson yelled from the front counter. “Mark, clean up at table 6!”

Jinyoung blinked. He'd forgotten that there were even other customers in the room, much less the rest of the employees, but sure enough, table 6 was a mess of coke bottles and paper plates. Mark placed a hand on his waist for a moment, checking his face to make sure he was okay, then slowly withdrew, leaving Jinyoung to wrap things up with Youngdal.

“I think," Jinyoung began, taking a breath, "that I'm ready to accept your apology now."

"Figures you would do that now of all times." Youngdal gave him a careful look. "Why, though? I clearly caused you some kind of trauma. If you didn't want to... I guess after hearing all of that, I wouldn't even blame you anymore."

"It would be pretty petty to continue to go on about it now that I've finally gotten past it. And I can be petty, but..." He shook his head. "I did love you."

"Yeah, and I really wasn't worth that, was I?"

"For awhile, you were. Can you tell me something? When you broke it off, did you worry about me at all? Or were you really only worried about getting caught and what that would mean for you?"

"I'd be lying to make myself look good if I said most of my motivation wasn't self-preservation. But I thought maybe you'd feel like that, too. That loving someone that much wasn't a safe enough emotion to trust in."

 "I'd say you made me believe that for awhile. But when I didn't trust anyone, I didn't get anything back either. That's a little too much safety, if you ask me. Maybe love is just supposed to be high risk." He glanced at Mark across the room. "I may have given him a little bit of trauma, too, making him watch things like that for so long. He's always going to be worried about me. He's looked after me with such kindness, and I wonder if I'm always going to force him to be kind around me so he doesn't hurt me."

"Maybe he's just like that."

Jinyoung snorted. "He's got a real attitude, though."

"If you've seen it already, I don't think you have anything to worry about."

"I guess not."

"You're lucky." Youngdal looked at him heavily, seeming to realize a shift in the air between them. "You have something else to say."

“I think it's time for us to say goodbye,” Jinyoung said softly, turning one last time to meet Youngdal's eyes.

“Just like that?”

“Just like that. I think... I think we really should have said this properly a long time ago. But then again, maybe none of this would have happened if we did that. I don't know. But really, I'd like to say goodbye this time rather than whatever we did last time. So. Goodbye, Lee Youngdal.”

“Take care of yourself, Park Jinyoung.” Youngdal extended his hand and Jinyoung gave it a brief squeeze before dropping it again. Around them, everything was going back to normal. Mark was cleaning up table 6, Jackson was turning the radio back on, Jaebum was retreating back to the kitchen, and the famous group of teenage girls was coming through the front door. Even Youngdal seemed to realize that whatever chance for the moment he'd wanted had already passed and it was time to go.

Jinyoung sank into the stool by table one and buried his face in his hands. He felt exhausted, but not unhappy. How could he be unhappy knowing how well he had been loved from behind the scenes for so long? He couldn't imagine a more beautiful gift, and that he had given it partially to himself in being willing to tell Mark he loved him gave him a peace he couldn't even begin to describe.

“Hey, Jinyoung?” Youngjae's voice came from beside him. “Do you, um, want pizza after that?”

“Ten slices,” Jinyoung murmured.

“Ten slices?!?! You haven't done that in ages, not since- Wait, are you crying?”

Jinyoung looked up, nodding. There was no point in denying it.

“Oh...okay.” Youngjae whirled around and hurried back to the kitchen. “JAEBUM! JAEBUM, JINYOUNG IS CRYING!” he yelled, as if Jinyoung couldn't hear him perfectly, somehow.

“That's not my issue to deal with,” Jaebum called back. “But it sure does bring back memories.”

“Should I turn up the music louder?” Jackson wondered.

“Mark hyung, do something!” BamBam suggested.

Yugyeom popped in through the front door. “Youngjae, I need a stack of ten large cheese pizzas, STAT.”

“TOUGH, I'M MAKING PIZZAS FOR JINYOUNG. HE'S CRYING.”

Jinyoung felt like the whole room was staring at him, which was pretty much what he was used to from the old days. No one in this place was normal. Himself included.

“You know, I'm going to feel like we've come full circle if you do this,” Mark said, sitting down across from him.

“It's not a broken heart I'm crying from.”

“I know.” Mark leaned forward and rested his cheek against the top of Jinyoung's hair. “I'm sorry you had to go through that.”

“Don't be. Don't be. I'm glad I went through everything. And it's not a full circle.” He closed his eyes and extended his hands to Mark. “You're going to take me places I've never gone before from now on.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I've never loved or been loved like this before. Show me what comes after.”

A/N: Okay, next time is for real last chapter T^T