Even if I run out of breath, I want to keep going
I know I can’t stop but I want to do it

Don’t lose strength and hold my hand
It’s the beginning now, take the world

3. Up to the Sky

Jinyoung walked away from the outing night with Mark's phone number. BamBam and Jackson's technically as well, but he couldn't admit to spending hours staring at their contact screens, debating whether to text them or not. Not that he needed to. The morning after outing night, he woke up to ten meme texts from BamBam, and by the afternoon, Jackson had sent him several picture texts of Mark at 1000₩, most of them rather suggestive shots of Mark's while he bent over to clean the table after a customer had left. They were captioned, charmingly, "Tuanbooty". Apparently, Mark himself was too busy working to actually pick up his cell phone himself.

Jinyoung could have initiated the texting, but he felt strangely awkward whenever he tried. Talking to Mark in person was one thing. In those cases, he could get caught up in the flow of things and spew out personal things he'd never intended on telling anyone, much less the busboy at his favorite pizza place, but with physical distance between them, it was much more difficult. The absence of Mark in the flesh made him rethink everything that had come so easily to him the night before leaning against Mark's shoulder-- his growing obsession with figuring him out, their randomly formed friendship, his out of field thought that maybe he was beginning to find more in it than that, his conclusion that maybe that wouldn't be such a terrible thing if he was.

Because sitting in the familiar comfort of home without pretty fireworks distracting and possibly frying his brain, Jinyoung realized it would be a pretty terrible thing. Falling for ually insecure gays was bad enough, but it had to be better than falling for straight guys. He was hardly a pro with guys who tried to convince themselves they were straight, so swaying someone who genuinely was to consider making an exception probably wouldn't go well.

Which is fine, he reminded himself. I thought it felt like falling in love. That doesn't mean that's what it is.

It did mean, apparently, constantly going back and opening Jackson's texts to look at "Tuanbooty," but he happened to know how to appreciate a good when he saw one, whether it had to do with love or not.

Mark wound up texting him two days later. At home?

Why, are you stalking me?

No. I'm in your neighborhood. Come let me in.

Jinyoung bolted out of bed. He was still wearing his pajamas-- today, a sky blue and completely dorky matching set patterned with cartoon tabbies-- and hadn't taken off his moisturizing face mask yet. He wasn't too surprised in a way, since crushes, especially potential crushes, never actually showed up when you were looking hot. Jinyoung's best hair days always seemed to happen on the days he never left the house, and surprise acne tended to show up on date nights more than any other time in his life. Still, he at least needed to look better than this before seeing Mark again.

Wait a sec, he texted back, quickly digging through his drawers for his most flattering jeans and shirt, then ran to the bathroom to get changed and scrub off his face mask. He had to do it as quickly as possible so Mark wouldn't guess that he kept him waiting to make himself pretty, so the result wasn't perfect. Still, it could have been worse. He at least had a good complexion going for him for once, and for someone like Mark who was used to seeing him drunk and mopey, it was in many ways an improvement on his normal look.

Finally, Jinyoung made it down to the first floor of the apartment and opened the door.  Mark was leaning against the railing leading up the stairs, toying with his phone. He lifted his eyes slowly, his lips quirking up into a half-smile. "If it isn't sleeping beauty."

"Wasn't sleeping," Jinyoung grumbled, smoothing his hair self-consciously. "Why are you here?"

"I told you. I just happened to be in the neighborhood. Or is that excuse not going to work on you?"

"The fact that you just called it an excuse makes it a little less convincing."

"True. I came here because I was bored. And if you happened to be bored at the same time, I thought we could do something. So. You bored?"

Jinyoung found himself smiling. "Terribly."

"Great. Come on." He bounded down the steps, gesturing for Jinyoung to follow.

"So where are we going?"

"Isn't walking until good food is found the standard practice?"

"The standard practice for what, exactly?"

Mark shrugged. "For going out and doing things?"

"In the general sense. But there's also things like shopping and going to the PC Bang. Or drinking."

"It's eleven in the morning."

"I didn't mean we should do it. Now."

"Or with you, at all. I like the shoes I'm wearing right now a lot, thank you very much."

Jinyoung glared. "Did you invite me out to make fun of me?"

"I think of it as a side benefit." Mark brushed his bangs from his eyes. "So you still haven't gone off and found love, have you? Staying committed to giving up on love for the time being?"

"Or something like that. And you?"

"What about me?"

"Get any more hand holding action from the girls at the pizza parlor?"

"Actually, they were bothering Jackson today. It seemed like he was bribing them for something he had on his phone."

Jinyoung had to quickly clap his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing. Looks like he was doing me a favor by giving me Tuanbooty for free...

"What?"

"Oh, nothing."

The good food they ended up finding first was a New York style cafe and deli which still had their breakfast menu up. They both ordered coffee, and Mark ordered a bagel while Jinyoung picked out the English Muffin breakfast set. Now that Jinyoung thought about it, he hadn't had breakfast this frequently since leaving home. He usually poured himself a bowl of cereal and not much else since he wasn't that much of a cook. He'd dated someone his first year at university who'd been a decent hand in the kitchen, but he'd never been at his place in the morning. That hadn't been a particularly physical relationship; the guy in question had been very awkward and timid with his affection, and Jinyoung had pretty much been his first, 'experimental' boyfriend.

"So," Mark said, wiping his lips with a napkin. "Personal question time."

"Do you have to?"

"There was something I was curious about."

"That seems to be a thing with you."

"What was so special about that Youngdal friend of yours? Other than that he was your first love?"

Jinyoung frowned. "That's not reason enough?"

"It is. I mean, what was so great about him that he was your first love in the first place? It's a pretty big thing to give your heart away for the first time."

"Unless you're young and stupid."

"That doesn't make it less important. You're still throwing yourself into something you've never done or felt before."

"I guess." Jinyoung thought back. "Youngdal was just an ordinary person, pretty much. We were both kids, so it's not like either of us had very substantial personalities yet."

"Somehow, you seem to me like a person who would always have a substantial personality."

"Well. I was a lot more obnoxious back then. I wouldn't say substantial. Anyways, when you're that age, the most important thing is to have someone who helps you grow into whoever you're becoming and doesn't reject you for it. And he was that person. At least for awhile. He was the first person I came out to, my first kiss...  I think it just makes sense to fall in love with the person who understands you the most."

"But he didn't."

"I think what he didn't understand was himself, really."

"Probably. So it was because of that that you've held onto him for so long?"

"No." Jinyoung stared down at the remains of breakfast on his plate. "Or maybe partially. I loved him the most because that was the only relationship I went into with a pure mindset. After him, I didn't really trust anyone fully. I guess if the person who understood me the best couldn't even be serious about me, I didn't know how to expect anyone else to."

"And what if you found someone who understood you even better than that guy did?"

"It would be a little scary, wouldn't it? Because if I also wound up hurt by that person, I don't think I would have any trust at all."

"True." Mark took a sip of his coffee. "It kind of that something so important depends on how other people treat you. I guess all you can do is try to surround yourself with good people."

"Which I'm at."

"I don't know. The guys at the pizza place aren't so  bad, and you surrounded yourself with them whenever you were depressed. Maybe not intentionally, but that's what happened."

"Huh." Jinyoung hadn't thought of it that way. "I guess you guys treated me decently. Except for the shift manager."

"Jaebum's like that. If he really hated you, he'd have thrown you out. He probably felt safer with you around. We knew you weren't stumbling around being hit by a car that way."

"Ha." Jinyoung glared at Mark half-heartedly. "So what do you do when you're not cleaning tables, anyways? Besides bothering me?"

"Didn't I say I was in school?"

"For business. Yeah, you mentioned. I meant for fun."

"Other than the standard internet-movies-games trio? I hike."

"Really?" Jinyoung thought this fit him well, something active but something you didn't necessarily have to do with someone else. "How are the hiking spots here? I wouldn't know. I'm more of a reading at home person myself."

"They're pretty good. I do it more when I'm not in school, honestly. When I'm busy, I just pop over to the Grand Park and do a small circuit. It clears the mind." He grinned. "Plus I can sneak some flying in."

Jinyoung blinked, unsure if he'd heard him right. "Flying?"

"Yeah."

"So... I'm imagining either a glider, a private jet, or you just being hooked on the cable car rides at the Grand Park."

"The cable cars are awesome, but there's another kind of flying you can do. I'll show you sometime."

"Huh," Jinyoung said again. Planning on getting together with me again, always a positive.

"Isn't that why you were asking me?"

"Excuse me?"

"About what I do for fun? Weren't you asking me so you could see if it was something you wanted to do together?"

Jinyoung coughed. "I'm not underhanded like that."

"Oh, I think you are very underhanded, but without even realizing it."

Jinyoung was about to protest, but their server stopped by the table with their bill. He wondered for a moment if Mark would offer to pay for all of it, and quickly took out his wallet to take the possibility off the table. It wasn't a date, not really, so it would be better to split. If he left it ambiguous, he was pretty sure Mark would only again.

"Hey," Mark said, lightly placing his hand on Jinyoung's arm. "I have to run some errands today, but if you want to come to 1000₩ after classes one day this week, I can take you out after. You know, to show you what I mean by flying." He paused for a moment. "Friday would be best. We might be out late, so a school night might not work."

That's almost a whole week away, Jinyoung thought glumly. Still, the prospect of spending a night out with Mark was too interesting to pass up. "Sure, why not?" he responded, trying to sound casual, which was pretty hard because Mark's hand on his arm was causing goosebumps he could hopefully pass off on the restaurant's air conditioning.

"Great," Mark said, grinning. "It's a date"

Teasing again, Jinyoung thought. But even that made him smile right along with Mark. Maybe it wasn't so bad. Even if he was fooling around, he was still willing to spend time with him.  You're supposed to get to know the next person. Right? He couldn't be sure that Mark becoming "the next person" was what this was working up to, but getting to know him was exciting enough on its own. He liked the person he was finding, whether that was going to wind up biting him in the later or not.

0

Time crawled leading up to Friday. Once again, once Mark was out of his sight, he couldn't work up to showing up at the pizza place more than once per week when they already had a set "date" on Friday. Still, he spent almost all of his time wondering what the pizza crew was doing when he wasn't there. What song was Jackson blasting? Were there any girls there flirting with Mark? Jackson would send him pictures from time to time-- Jinyoung's favorite was one of Mark eating pizza on his break, cheese dangling just slightly from his lips-- but he wanted to be there in person, soaking up the atmosphere. Pulling Mark's attention away from his female fans. Even being yelled at by Jaebum. It was the first time the magnetic pull of 1000₩ had nothing to do with heartbreak and drowning himself in pizza, but the shift manager, cashier, junior chef, delivery boy, and most especially the bus boy.

He'd started seeing BamBam more often at school, though, and when they weren't with anyone else, they'd eat lunch together. BamBam was a big talker, and an excellent source of information. From him, he'd learned several more important details about Mark such as his eating habits (when not eating at work, he loved hamburgers and grilled meat), past relationship statuses (single ever since BamBam had met him), taste in music (hip-hop), and bad habits (not paying attention when he wasn't interested in something). Of course, there was a lot of unrelated chatter that came along with all that, but BamBam was growing on Jinyoung pretty quickly. He was a little self-fixated, but since he knew about Jinyoung's embarrassing history at 1000₩, Jinyoung at least felt more comfortable being open with him than with his other friends.

"You should visit after school with me more often," BamBam suggested. "I mean, it's busy, but not so busy that Mark wouldn't be able to hang out with us."

"It's fine," Jinyoung said, waving his hand. "I do have to spend some time on homework."

"Oh. Well. If you change your mind. I usually hang out with Yugyeom or Jackson until late, but Mark goes home as soon as his shift ends. If you were there, I think he'd stay."

Jinyoung lifted an eyebrow. "We don't actually know each other that well."

"Yeah, but isn't that exciting, kind of?"

Jinyoung nodded. It had always been his weakness in relationships, something that tended to wind up skipped over in the rush of how quickly they each began and ended. There were beautiful parts of getting to know someone, as he was learning with Mark. But at the same time, the more you knew someone, or thought you did, the worse it hurt when that person was gone. That was what he learned with Youngdal. There was no guarantee the people you wanted in your life would actually stay there.

Still, he was practically bouncing off the walls when Friday rolled around. After class let out, he hurried home to change for the occasion, though he didn't really have a clue what they would be doing. Mark hadn't denied the glider and private jet options, but if "flying" was something he did during his hiking trips, it would be more practical to dress casually. He dug up a nice pair of jeans and a sweater since it would get chillier at night, then went to the bathroom to take care of his hair. For date night standards, he was looking pretty decent.

After he was primped to satisfaction, he made the short walk to 1000₩. Jackson was singing along to a girl group song blasting through the speakers. "SHOUT OUT TO THE SKY, SO YOU CAN FLY HIGHER-"

"IF YOU TRY TO HIT THOSE NOTES ONE MORE TIME!" Jaebum roared from the back.

"SO YOU CAN FLY HIGH HIGH HIGH HIGH HIGH," Jackson went on, undeterred and voice cracking. "SO YOU CAN FLY FAR FAR FAR FAR-"

"JACKSON WANG!"

Mark waved at Jinyoung with his dish rag from Table 4. Jinyoung sat down at the table next to him. "Having a fun day?"

"Jaebum got pizza sauce all over Jackson's favorite snapback, and now Jackson's deliberately missing every note out of revenge."

"I bet the customers are loving this."

"Hence, the almost empty store. We've already had our peak hours at least, and he cooled it down a bit then. But, it's making me even more excited to get out of here."

"Yeah?" Jinyoung felt strangely smug at hearing the 'even more'. "How much longer do you have to work?"

"Let's see. I got out of class at 2, and it's 7 now. So just another hour."

"Do I have to eat another piece of pizza one bite per ten minutes again?"

"No, but if you want pizza, I'd be happy to get you some. On the house. Just don't binge."

"No beer?"

"I don't want you flying under the influence."

"Right. You're not being vague at all."

"And yet you're still going along with me."

"Guilty as charged."

Mark disappeared behind the counter for a moment and emerged with two pieces of pizza, making sure to kick the Apink butchering Jackson on the as he passed.

"Here you go. Since there aren't tables to clean, I should mop a bit. Try not to let Jackson kill your brain cells."

Jackson immediately stopped belting. "I heard that, Mark. Shut up." Glancing behind him, he slipped out from behind the counter and plopped down next to Jinyoung. "So, I hear you have a date tonight?"

"Depends on how you define 'date'."

"Going out and doing things resulting in a hot make out session and preferably at the end?"

"Then probably not."

"Lame."

"Is it that obvious I'm gay?" Jinyoung asked in a low voice.

"You know, man. Spidey senses. I can tell." He reached over and ruffled Jinyoung's hair. "Besides, we've had these nice little chats about our love lives before when you were drunk. I probably know more than you want me to."

"How thrilling." Jinyoung lowered his voice again. "But really, you shouldn't joke about it when Mark's here. I mean, Mark's not-"

"Don't worry about Mark. Mark's a big boy, he can handle it." He lowered his hand and started Jinyoung's cheek. "I see the appeal though, you're cute."

"Don't even think about it. I'd like to keep my eardrums in tact for the rest of my life, thank you."

"I wasn't thinking about it. Just stating facts, man, just stating facts. I have a liberal heart for appreciating cuteness. You should see Mark sometimes, the way he looks when he's sleeping... killer, absolutely killer."

"Jackson, if you don't stop every single thing you're doing at this moment, I will kill you," Mark said from the corner of the room. Jackson dropped his hands away from Jinyoung's face, lept away from the table, and resumed his usual singing, though he winked at Jinyoung before sauntering away. Jinyoung was beginning to think Mark had a habit of befriending huge flirts, if Jackson and BamBam were any indication.

The restaurant remained pretty dead for the final hour before Mark's shift ended, so after Mark had finished his pointless mopping of the always sticky floor, he joined Jinyoung at Table 4. They couldn't really talk over the ruckus Jackson-- and Youngjae, who was now harmonizing with him at the top of his lungs from the kitchen now that he'd figured out there were no customers to scare off-- were making, so they exchanged texts back and forth.

J: So, are you going to tell me what flying is?

M: And ruin the surprise?? ^_^

J: Am I going to risk my health and safety by trusting you?

M: You wouldn't trust me in the first place if you really thought I would kill you

J: Maybe I have a death wish

M: That would explain the amount of pizza you eat. If I hadn't stopped you, you may have achieved your goal of bloating so much you'd need a crane to get you out of your house

J: You can't hire cranes for that

M: It's happened before ^_^

J: You're joking

M: Nope, not joking. Look it up.

J: ...you're not joking

And so until 8 final rolled around. Jinyoung as almost disappointed to have to stop, he was having so much fun, but that disappointment went away as soon as he was in Mark's car, and they could actually talk.

"So how was your week?" Mark asked.

"Pretty uneventful. I had a few exams, which I passed. Nothing much else."

"Still no romance?"

"You know, it would be pretty hard to start a romance when I had plans with another guy lined up. That's a no-no."

"On top of jerks, you have a thing for super jealous types?"

"It doesn't take a super jealous type to be bothered by that. I know I wouldn't want a boyfriend to make plans with someone they were in an ambiguous relationship with under my nose."

"Oh, so this is an ambiguous relationship?"

"Yeah, I can't tell if your my friend or my therapist or my favorite bus boy."

"I hope I can still be the last one without it canceling other options out."

"Seeing as I don't know any other bus boys, I'd say you're good."

Mark was silent for a little bit as he drove them away from the heart of the city and down a more isolated road. "It's up to you, you know."

"What is?"

"What you want this ambiguity to turn into."

"Isn't that kind of unfair? What if I say I want you to be my-- and this is completely hypothetical by the way--my friend or something, and you just want to be my best buddy. Would we become friends just because I wanted to?"

"Nope. But I'd know where you stand. And since I know where I stand, there wouldn't be any more ambiguity, right?"

"You could tell me where you stand first."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because I want you to follow advice I gave you earlier, and I don't know if you'd be able to I did that."

"Which advice?"

"You know, maybe ambiguity isn't so bad."

"Coward."

Mark glared at him. "Said the pot to the kettle."

"Huh?"

"It's a saying. 'The pot calling the kettle black'. Look it up."

Before Jinyoung had the chance to, they'd pulled into a small gravel lot surrounded by woods and Mark had killed the engine.

"Let me guess," Jinyoung said, pointing to the woods. "You're taking me in there."

"Yup."

"And I'm just going to have to trust you not to whip a chainsaw on me when we're out there, huh."

"Well... we are miles from where anyone can hear you." He hyena laughed. "I hope you'll trust me, though."

"With a laugh like that,  how could I not?"

They hopped out of the car, and Mark guided him into the woods by way of a gravel path leading from the lot. "It's not actually that far through here," he said.

"Your glider?"

"No, my private jet."

Jinyoung couldn't help snickering. He had absolutely no idea what he was getting himself into, but that itself was pretty exciting. There was something kind of childish about it, venturing into the woods at night like he'd done on sleepovers for tests of courage, but the fact that it was with Mark made it also feel strangely adult. He knew it wasn't going to, mainly because Mark wouldn't let him skip the getting-to-know-and-genuinely-falling-in-love-with-someone step, but the night technically could end with a make out session and . That gave it a much different edge from a simple test of courage.

Mark led him to a small clearing leading up to a small man-made lake. Jinyoung blinked in surprise. "Is this some kind of park, or something?"

"It's a hiking site, but I wouldn't guess a lot of people would be around since it's late. There is a camping area, but it's still miles from here."

"Right. Miles away from where anyone can hear me being chain sawed."

"Dramatic, are we? Come here." He grabbed Jinyoung's hand and pulled him to the edge of the lake. There was a massive tree with a group of thick branches protruding out of the lake, and tied to one was a rope swing. It wasn't a rectangular, plank like set up, but a circular seat with the single cord of rope going through the center and tied thickly at the bottom.

"Oh my god," Jinyoung said. "You know, I had a really great time swimming with you awhile ago, but if this ends with us splashing in the water, I won't forgive you. It'll be cold."

"It's still pretty warm out, but no, we're not going swimming. I couldn't do that to your nice outfit." He released Jinyoung's hand and jumped onto the rope swing, quickly pushing off with his legs. Before Jinyoung could do anything, he was flying out over the water, releasing a big whoop. With the next few pumps of his legs, he went out farther and farther, spiraling over the water before coming back. "Push me?" he laughed, glancing back at Jinyoung.

"What, are you five?" Jinyoung asked. Still, he gave Mark a big shove on the back, giving him an even longer cirucit over the water before he returned for another push. In the dark, it was harder to see the rope suspending Mark over that lake, and it really did look like he was flying, the slight breeze whipping through his hair and his laughter echoing out over the water. 

The next time he swung back to land, he dug his feet into the ground, coming to a stop. "Your turn."

"I have a feeling this is going to end with me falling in."

"No, it won't. Because you said you trust me, and I'm not going to let you fall. Plus, you know, hold onto the rope tightly and grip with your legs. That helps, too."

Jinyoung still settled a bit anxiously onto the swing, getting used to the awkward and slightly wobbly feeling of it before Mark put two steady hands on his back. That calmed him, somehow. If Mark said he wasn't going to fall, he wasn't going to fall. And maybe it wouldn't be the end of the world if he did. Mark was right: it wasn't that cold. There were worse things in life than getting a little wet.

"Okay, ready,' Jinyoung said.

The first push was gentle, and he went just slightly over the water's edge. Mark pushed him like that a few more times before finally putting some force in it and sending him sailing. Jinyoung's heart raced for a moment-- it was a pretty thrilling sensation, like cresting the hill on a roller coaster-- but as he got more comfortable with it, he looked down into the lake beneath him. It was a pretty sight, with the moon reflecting on the water and rippling just slightly. He loved how it rushed past him, how he had to really pay attention to each detail before it escaped him. The whole lake looked so much vaster from this viewpoint, as if it could extend on endlessly in every direction. It was no wonder people were so obsessed with the idea of wanting to fly.

"Having fun?" Mark yelled out to him.

"Loving it!" Jinyoung laughed as the swing spiraled a bit, sending him course-- and his head-- spinning. It felt like ages since he had done something like this. Probably because it had been. He'd spent way too much time behind closed doors, hiding his love and everything else in the process. He wondered if he'd forgotten to live a little for the sake of preserving himself. He hadn't been aware of missing it, but after swimming with Mark and now this, it felt like something was creeping in and filling the hole in his heart he'd tried to fill with people who had only made it bigger.

It took awhile for the adrenaline to calm down and for him to realize Mark was chanting something in time with his pushes. It was in English, so Jinyoung didn't understand what any of it meant, though he recognized it rhymed.

Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack

All dressed in black, black, black

With silver buttons, buttons, buttons,

All down her back, back, back

She asked her mother, mother, mother

For 50 cents, cents, cents

To see the elephant, elephant, elephant

Jump the fence, fence, fence

"What are you saying?" Jinyoung yelled.

"My mother used to sing this to me when she pushed me on the swing when I was little," Mark said, slowing down his pushing. "I just thought of it."

"What does it mean?"

"It's just a kiddie thing. It doesn't mean anything."

"Everything means something."

"It means that you're going to fly so high, high, high, you'll reach the sky, sky, sky, and won't come back, back, back, until the the 4th of July-ly-ly!" He gave Jinyoung a massive push, and Jinyoung shrieked with half fear and  half excitement as he went spiraling again. His head was going crazy, and he wasn't even sure why anymore.

When he landed back near the ground again, he put his foot down and stumbled off the swing, practically knocking Mark over in the process. "Is it July yet?" he asked in a drunk sounding voice.

"Hey, you understood some English!"

"I know the months, at least. God." He stumbled again, and Mark swung him around, laughing. "This is what you do in your spare time?"

"It's fun. You're smiling."

 "I may also puke on your shoes."

"Don't say that."

"Why?"

"Because I'll have to let you go and push you away if you say that."

"No you won't."

"I like these shoes."

"But you like me more."

"Could be." He slowed down his spinning a little. "Can you walk?"

"Just barely. So that's flying?"

"It's a cheap thrill. Plus, whether you come here day or night, the view is beautiful. And not a lot of people seem to know about this place."

"So you brought me to your private sanctuary."

"Well, I've been invading your privacy a lot. I thought I owed you something."

"No," Jinyoung said, suddenly serious. "You don't owe me anything really, you've already done enough as it is. Don't push yourself."

"I'm not." Mark leaned slightly into his shoulder. "As I recall, we were pushing each other."

God. Jinyoung wasn't a man of infinite willpower, and he was pretty sure that if Mark didn't move in the next minute, he was going to kiss him, wildly, madly. Which would be a mistake since there was way too much ambiguity between them still, but he wanted to desperately. He wanted Mark to kiss him back, to take him home and throw him onto the bed. He didn't know him all the way yet, and he knew he had to know him more than this to move forward, but he was sure he wanted to, that he wanted to know everything.

But the real question was, in the end, would love wind up being worth it, even if he did? Would Mark not hurt him? Would he not hurt Mark? He still didn't know.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, argued the devil lurking on Jinyoung's left shoulder), Mark pulled away and cleared his throat. "Should we head back?"

"You'll drop me off?"

"No. I'll leave you here and come back later... with a chainsaw."

Jinyoung burst out laughing. "I called it!"

"Come on, you."

The bickered and laughed all the way back to Mark's car, and all the way through the drive to Jinyoung's place, too. Mark didn't hop out to see him off when they made it to his apartment, which made Jinyoung slightly relieved, because the atmosphere somehow necessitated a goodbye kiss, but he couldn't just go for one with things as they stood. Instead, Mark grabbed his arm before he made it all the way out the door.

"Hey," he said. "I'll call you tomorrow."

"So you're giving me an advanced warning?" Jinyoung asked.

"Because I know you'll be waiting anxious to hear from me if I don't."

"You're crazy."

"No, Jinyoungie," Mark said, winking. "I'm right."

0

After that night, Jinyoung no longer became nervous at the thought of texting or contacting Mark. As promised, Mark called him the day after, and they talked for three hours straight, and had pretty much been texting, calling each other, and hanging out at 1000₩ non stop ever since. Jinyoung was pretty sure he'd never been so glued to his phone in his life. It was almost disgusting, how addicted to Mark he was. Mark would send him snap chats at work, and Jinyoung would sneak in mostly pointless texts about absolutely nothing important between his classes, and during lunch break they'd call each other just to ask about what they'd done that day so far, and then as soon as class let out, Jinyoung was down at the pizza place, sipping coke instead of beer while Mark bounded around from table to table, stopping at his between every clean up. Jinyoung was becoming an honorary part of the pizza crew just like BamBam, and was befriending all of them alongside Mark. Even Jaebum had stopped yelling at him so much, and was willingly inviting him to their various outing nights to arcades and local concerts venues and once (at Youngjae's request) the petting zoo.

Night was no better. Mark would call as he was going to bed, and he'd put the phone on speaker and set it by his pillow, murmuring sleepy nonsense until one or the other dozed off and the one still awake would hang up so they didn't murder their phone bills. It was more like being in a relationship than any relationship he'd ever been in, other than the part where they were still not actually dating. Mark had left it up to him to deal with the ambiguity, and even though Jinyoung was 100% sure he was falling in lust enough to sometimes make him want to explode that he and Mark hadn't kissed/frenched/d/ed yet and in love enough to where he wanted to burn the memory of any guy he'd ever dated before and scream to the world "Yes, this is finally the one guy worth me falling in love with," he was still hesitating. Partly because Mark had never said he was gay or bi or up to remotely considering being with a guy, but also because there was one thing he didn't know yet about Mark, and that was if Mark loved him enough to choose him over the rest of the world.

He wanted to think that maybe it was possible he would, but he'd tried to think that with a lot of people at this point, starting with Youngdal, who had disappointed that trust massively. And until he was sure, completely, 100% sure, he couldn't be with Mark, or anyone. He'd promised Mark that he wouldn't say yes blindly anymore, and that was one promise he was intending to keep.

But still, he was looking closely for the evidence that Mark loved him in that way in every message he sent, every word exchanged between them. If it was there, he was sure he would find it. If Mark really loved him, Mark would make sure there was no doubt that he would love Jinyoung through everything, no matter what anyone else said or who might find out. It was strange to realize it after all this time, but a part of Jinyoung still very much believed in the love he had scorned as less than he'd imagined it. Maybe that was how love was supposed to feel when you handed it away to the wrong people. Maybe when you handed it to the right person, it really was the everything you ever dreamed it would be.