I have always seen spring as the season of life, breathing its scent to all that is frozen and cold, melting frosty flowers back into their colours; a shade of amber, sunshine, blue skies and a heartbreakingly shade of burnt red.

Whenever I go out of my rented room and turn to lock the door, I can feel the sun burning my back in a warm embrace. On sunny Sundays, I would take a stroll around the neighbourhood. Sometimes, I would get ahead of time that I don’t realise the gleam has grown more passionate and my skin would end up getting sunburnt. The kind of sunburnt where it would make my skin not seemingly so pallid.

When you see seasons as different parts of life, you expect things to be bright and hopeful at the start, perhaps through the whole season. I am one of those people and despite all of my wishes, things fall apart and reckless decisions would always result a bad ending, which I should have known long time ago.

A storm is coming, and I can almost feel it, despite the flowers waking up from their slumber, pushing snowflakes off their petals and everything around me turning into a shade of life, offering the warmth of spring.

Æ

In the middle of spring setting its foot on Earth, my world began to fall apart in ways I never imagine would happen.
 
The first attack was when my flash-disk driver, which contained an important project between Sehun and I, was lost, only to be found in the hand of a classmate named Baekhyun, who thought that he could get away with it as he smirked slyly whilst he did this presentation. Sehun was at first very upset at my carelessness, but he was quick to brush it away for he probably thought it would be a waste of time. Luckily, he was quick to halt Baekhyun while doing so, explaining the situation that it was the project between him and me, not Baekhyun and Chanyeol.
 
The professor lowered his glasses in judgement, and I was worried of the outcome of this. Sehun was quick to take out a flash-disk of his own and he motioned us to do the presentation after Baekhyun and Chanyeol, who were not so clever in cheating as they struggled to explain the concept and the meaning behind it. When it was our turn, we effortlessly explained thoroughly about our design, and after a few moments of doing a comparative analysis between the two of us, he made a decision to give a complete zero to both Baekhyun and Chanyeol, since Mr. Lee is the type to care about morals and he dislikes any form of cheating like this.
 
“You could have gotten an A plus with this brilliant design made by the two of you. But because of your negligence, Mr. Jeon, I have to deduct a few points and give you both an A minus, “ we sighed in relief and thanked Mr. Lee for his consideration, then we went back to our seats as he proceeded to call out students to the front.
 
“Thank you, Sehun. And I’m sorry that you can’t get an A plus because of me.”
 
“Don’t mention it. I’m not obsessed with grades, so chill. And those dudes, they weren’t in our class last year. I’ve heard that they already pulled this kind of stunt.”
 
“Well, they are not so clever in pulling this kind of cheating, though.”
 
“Yes, we’re lucky that the odds are in our favour.”
 
Despite of that, I still felt bad for Sehun. We were supposed to get a perfect score, yet my negligence failed our expectation. This time, Seulgi was there to comfort me. When we met in our math classes, Soonyoung with Seungwan and me with Seulgi sitting beside each other, I told her in whispers about that event.
 
“You should be more careful next time. There are many different kinds of bad people in this world. Some cover themselves in beautiful feathers, and some hide beside you, camouflaging themselves as a friend of yours. Please be more aware, Wonwoo. I don’t want you to get hurt,” Seulgi held my hand in hers, away from people’s judging eyes, and I hid a kiss near her lips which probably could be felt by her heart.
 
I got over it after a few days. I would avoid any form of eye contact with Baekhyun and Chanyeol, as I didn’t want to associate myself with thieves. Once you are a thief, you will always be one. They will steal precious things that you have without you knowing.

Æ

 
I barely survived the second attack, all because a certain someone revealed my dark secret to Seulgi. It happened in the beginning of March, a week after the first attack. Seulgi had securely settled her position as my world and Taemin was the one who told her. I was eating my lunch with Sehun on a picnic table outdoor when Taemin stomped his way to me, with a conceited smile stretched across his face and he slammed his hand on the wooden table.
 
“Hey, you in’ traitor! I just told your pretty little girlfriend how you’ve been ing random girls behind her back–“

Sehun shouted in anger and stood up, his hand ramming the table in disbelief. “Lee Taemin, you did not just do that–”

The next thing I knew, I heard Sehun shouting and mumbling in frustration, calling Jongin’s name, probably through his phone. I felt my eyes blackened as I landed strong punches to Taemin, who made attempts to struggle out from under me as I sat on top of him and ran my fists across his face repetitively.

I felt a crowd circling over me and they shouted, even cheered for me. They were just people who watched by the sidelines, who liked to gossip, talk and judge ruthlessly. They were probably the ones who also judged Seulgi, who had spoken our love like a broken song. At that moment, I felt like a slave for the society of foul souls, giving in into what they wanted to see: a conflict exploding by their eyes for their mere entertainment.

I saw everything in darkness and I think I didn't see blood and hues of purple, blue and red. I kept going until my fists hurt, until Sehun shrieked in panic calling Jongin’s name, until it took Jongin to pull me away from Taemin for the second time. Sehun and Jongin brought me away then, but not before telling Taemin that they were done in standing by the wrong side.

By that time, I realised that I wouldn’t be able to face Seulgi with a clean conscience because I had been keeping secrets that she deserved to know. I felt my insides burning because I knew that everything wouldn’t be the same between the two of us.
 
“Is your hand okay — God, your hand is messed up right there,” Sehun’s eyes widened and I looked down at my throbbing fists, purple and blue in the knuckles.
 
“It doesn’t matter, Sehun. I’m okay,” I blindly rejected his concern as I breathed heavily, the anger and frustration still muddled in my heart.
 
“He might be fooling around. You know that he's all boast and talk only," Jongin's eyebrows furrowed in uncertainty and he looked away as if swimming in his own thoughts, weighing the chances of Taemin doing the actual thing. I wouldn't question Jongin's thoughts, since he had always been the closest to Taemin. If he were to be biased, I would brush it away casually.

I closed my eyes, realising once again that I had made a rash decision of not thinking clearly, but Taemin looked so truthful and he seemed to enjoy every ounce of words that glided out through his tongue. I saw the thrill in his eyes towards the expression my face contorted to. "Then why are you not with him, Jongin?"

Jongin didn't answer. "Anyways, if it turns out that he really told your girl, we will help you explain it to her. He added lies to the truth,” He assured as we sat beneath the huge tree we used to hang out together before everything fell down.
 
When the anger died down, devastation followed. “I don’t know, Jongin. It’s still the truth that those one night stands happened,” I sighed heavily, my hands folding and unfolding itself. It was afternoon and everything felt scorching hot all of the sudden. I flapped my t-shirt to prevent any form of sweat to be produced from my skin. I looked at anywhere but them, my hair in the shade of midnight and smooth against my fingers as I skimmed through it, pushing strands of hair from my face.

I pondered for a while as Jongin gazed at me, waiting for an answer. His tanned skin gleamed, in the shade of gold below the sun rays, filtered by the leaves in fresh green colours. Sehun hid close to the trunks, beneath the cool shadows of the trees. He was looking at the passing students a few feet away from us, briskly shuffling in calm and fast steps to their classes, books clipped to their arms or rested close to their chests, keeping it close from falling to their hurried pace. There weren't many of them as we could speak to each other not in shrieks, yet also not in whispers. There was enough calmness that settled between the three of us to think straight and be serious. I sat beside Sehun close to the trunk, facing the world as Jongin was in front of us, his hair rowdy and his eyes dark, somehow warm.
 
“I think she wouldn’t be able to forgive me,” I finally gave up to hold the truth in. I know it's pathetic, but I thought Seulgi wouldn't see me as the same person anymore. The Wonwoo who supported her, who lifted her spirits, who seemed sincere and honest, who said her silver strands suited her the most, who promised her happiness over all things. I had offered Seulgi so many things and she gave me so much in return for all the promises I haven't fulfilled. 
 
“But it only happened during your first year. And a few months after, once you got to know her, you never went out with us again.”
 
Sehun just said the truth and I still felt regretful for the reckless things that I had done.
 
“I can’t face her like this. I don’t know what to say,” I ran my hand through my hair in frustration, leaving it in a mess. Jongin found it in him to laugh carefreely and patted my head to ease the sombre atmosphere between us.

“It’s going to be okay, Wonwoo. Don’t be so frustrated. Just be truthful about everything when the time comes,” Jongin tried to cheer me up with a smile, even though it didn’t help me at all. My mind was clouded in worry and fear and no one but myself could pull myself out of this darkness.
 
“Damn, I’m leaving my childhood best friend. I’m such a bad friend,” now it’s Jongin’s turn to wallow in frustration. He found himself falling as well.
 
“It’s time to leave, Jongin. He’s changing into someone very different from the Taemin we used to know. It’s tiring to watch him change,” Sehun sighed, his face dejected at the loss of a friend. I noticed a deep frown had etched to his forehead, even though Sehun was oblivious to it.

I dared myself to ask the reason Taemin did all of these things. “What’s wrong with him? What is his intention to do all of these things?”
 
“I assume that he’s jealous of your luck in girls, or that because you are abandoning all of these chances you have to get the girls, while he barely has any. I know that it sounds shallow, but he’s been pretty serious in involving himself in these things revolving around one night stands for long. It’s almost like an obsession, to have these girls on his knees and to break the hearts of girls. You have the chance, but you no longer use it.”
 
“Well, that’s a one messed up theory,” Sehun gushed out and his face contorted into one in disbelief. “It’s just a game to relieve our stress!”
 
“Well, he ended up taking it way too seriously. And it seems like he’s not coming out any sooner. I took everything in me to remind him what he did to you was wrong, Wonwoo, and how he was driving himself to the cliff. He only got worse and I just had to leave,” Jongin’s tanned skin gleamed below the sun and I remembered how whenever we walked together, the four of us, people would whisper at how ‘he’s hot but too bad that his skin looks sunburnt,’ and it was such a ridiculous thing to hear and unnecessary to comment also. I didn’t question the permanent scowl that always rested on his face whenever we would pass by a random group of people. Taemin, who usually stood by his side, would nudge his ribs and tell him to never mind them because they just didn't have anything good to mind in their lives. These are the moments when I was first introduced to the both of them, before the seemingly harmless adventures began.
 
“We will help you fix this, Wonwoo. We will,” Sehun assured, looking sincerely at me, but I didn’t listen. Spring had fully arrived, but nothing bloomed in my heart. Only pain and more pain. I felt that I was at fault for coming into the lives of the three of them, because if I wasn’t there, Taemin wouldn’t feel inferior by his lack of skills in getting the girls, Jongin wouldn’t lose his best friend that he grew up with, and Sehun wouldn’t get confused by everything that was happening between the four of us.
 
This was the darkest spring that I ever experienced and my mind flew to my parents, if they had any idea that life was currently attempting to strike me down to my knees, if my mother was already healed, because a week ago, my father called that my mother relapsed again. I was tired of the world and I felt like slipping into a dream where I would wake up to a world that wasn’t as painful as this one.

There was a slightest hope, flickering inside of my heart, that perhaps all of this was just Taemin pranking me and all these times he actually never hated Seulgi. Perhaps, he was in fact a close friend of hers, one so close that he could call out on her like that and perhaps, he never really told Seulgi anything about my secrets.
 
My eyes wander across passing students a few feet from the tree we rested ourselves under, and I caught feline eyes and silver strands in the crowd.

I waited exactly for three seconds, for her eyes to smile or blaze in anger. I saw neither both in her eyes. 

Her brown orbs were blood-shot and crystal tears brimmed in the rim of her eye sockets. I stared so hard to look at Seulgi vividly. Seulgi was sharp, but there were certain moments when she looked soft, her features smudged in the blurry lines of her face and that's why I always go closer to see her clearly. Some days, she felt like a dream, unreal and unreachable when I got too far from her. It felt strange, and there is nothing wrong with my eyes. Well, perhaps a little as there would be times that I need to use specs when the words are too small or too far to be seen.

The softness that Seulgi had was like the kind you see when you just wake up from sleep, as you would rub your eyes to shake the blurriness away. I saw her in that state during certain times.

I wasn't happy at all that I had to see her frail state in front of the whole world. She wouldn't want to be seen like this and it was true as her eyes flickered and hardened, all because of my own mistake. Her hair was tied into a low side tail which rested by her shoulder and she wore more make up than she was supposed to (because that day was supposed to be the day where I would take her out to watch ‘Sherman and Mr. Peabody’). She was so thrilled to watch the movie and it was visible that Seulgi prepared a lot for this, as she wore a pastel blue spring dress which reached her knee when most of the times, she’d wear pants over anything. It was in the middle of March 2014, and I was already twenty-one years old.
 
If everything was fine, I wouldn’t hesitate to run in thankfulness, for knowing that I didn't lose her. I'd kiss her in front of the world who judged us and I'd excuse myself for crossing the line for once. Through our slipping lips crashing into each other, she would let out a hiss of complaint—of how I have crossed the line with my hands on her hips—and her eyes would be full of worry, as if we're committing sin in front of the society. I’d not hesitate to whisper that their scrunched eyebrows send thrill through my veins and they are supposed to be the one who hide from us, who are young and bold together.

Seulgi would stop me, of course, pulling herself away and take my hand. Then run, she would make me run for her and with her, it's the truth I can never brush away because that's how I felt for her sometimes. Probably to continue our unfinished kiss somewhere where she wouldn't mind my hands on her hips and nothing lower or upper than that. Or probably not. She often left me hanging in these kinds of things. She didn't like everything that was out of proportion.

She's probably realised the nature of boys, lustful over the idea of a girl's touch, especially to our relationship, that she would give everything in the right amount. Her consideration toned my thoughts down at times, or riled up my deepest desires on certain moments.

But everything felt odd and wasn't fine. She shook her head in disappointment at me, as if saying, "I can't believe you're not what I am thinking all these times.”

"You lied to me.”

"You are the same as others.”

"You let me down, Wonwoo.”

The possibilities welled up more and more as Seulgi walked away from me. I watched her turn her back against me and my breathing went heavy. I felt on edge and a hand was placed on my shoulders.

"What's wrong, Wonwoo?" it was Sehun and he probably stared into an empty space for too long to notice her.

"Seulgi knows. He– Taemin told her.” It felt as if all the life had been out of me as I spoke with no hint of life, my voice empty and I could feel a huge abyss forming inside of me. An abyss so wide I can lose myself in it.
 
Silence loomed over us. Jongin only sighed, as if he knew his assurances wouldn't work, and Sehun kept his hand on my shoulder, patting it in the hopes that it could cheer me up in the slightest bit.

Like vapour trails, I felt like being let out in the open sky, floating aimlessly without any purpose, only soon to disappear into the void.

Æ

 
It's been five days since that horrid event and I still haven't managed to tell Seulgi about the truth. I can't face her and I am aware that I'm running from the main problem. I also feel pathetic at myself, for being so reliant on Seulgi, for having one person to affect my whole being to the point I feel like being destroyed. I should be stronger on my own and day by day, with Seulgi not by my side, I try to pick myself up. I bury myself in my sketches, venting out all that is of my imaginations and sorrow into my sketchbook, trying to have a grip on reality, despite myself faltering into the background whenever my eyes meet Seulgi's. 

What I did was affecting my relationship with both Junghan and Soonyoung. Well, that's what I assumed. Soonyoung cursed at me before hearing my explanation, and Junghan was never rash, so he listened.

"It sounded like bull when I heard it from Seungwan, because I believe in you. You're not like that," Junghan nodded cordially, as we hung out in a diner we frequently went to, Soonyoung's apologetic eyes boring into my face. The shade of his cyan blue hair was fading and it reminded me of Seulgi's. It was on the day where it all happened.

"So, in conclusion, those one night stands happened before Seulgi?" Junghan asked, folding his hands on the table. Junghan's black locks rested on his shoulders, perfectly trimmed locks per month, keeping its length permanent constantly.

 I sighed, and nodded. "Yes, all of it happened before Seulgi."

"I don't really care about one night stands, as long you don't go too far with it. It's your life, so all the decisions depend on you. I have no say in what kind of life you're living. But damn, to think you have no experience with girls," Junghan smiled in a sly yet teasing way and I shook it away and brushed it off because I didn't want to see another sin as a great thing to commit.

I shook my head in denial. "One night stands are different from relationships, Junghan. One asks for commitment and the other asks none. It doesn't mean anything – those one night stands. It never has," The diner was dimly lit, that time. There were some problems with the electricity as the lights flickered. Soonyoung was listening in silence. He hadn't spoken anything for a while, even though his opinion mattered, as he was Seulgi's friend and mine.

"I'm sorry, Wonwoo. For cursing you out like that. It's just that Seungwan was so emotional in telling me, how you slept with these girls behind Seulgi's back. She hates you to bits, currently," Soonyoung scratched his neck, smiling meekly and guiltily.

I waved my hand away. "It's okay, Soonyoung. I appreciate the fact that the both of you still believe in me.”

"Wait, so this guy who told you on Seulgi — he's the upperclassman you punched last time, right?" Junghan commented as he scooped a spoon of vanilla ice-cream to his mouth. I almost forgot that we had ordered our drinks and desserts and I looked down at the untouched sponge cake.

"Apparently, yes," I picked up the small spoon by the side and took a spoon of it into my mouth, letting the softness and sweetness of the cake melt into my mouth. "Sponge cakes are the best, seriously," trying to distract myself for whatever pain that threatened to form inside of me, I focused on the lump of cake which slowly disappeared into my throat.

"Why would he mess up with your life? Wasn't he a close friend of yours also?"

"There's something strange going on in his head, and I don't know what that is," I shrugged the burden of having to understand Taemin. He crossed the line, and I didn't want to correct his ways. Not when he looked at me in menace whenever we saw each other. Everything that happened between us seemed so out of place. I couldn't see any logical reason for him to loathe me, not when he used to care a lot about me as a friend.

It seemed as if when I earned Seulgi, I lost Taemin in the process and I couldn't grasp the reason behind it. I never imagined the need to sacrifice to be with Seulgi. Taemin kept me in the dark, and I crawled to look for the switch.

"You should tell her the truth. I have never seen someone so angry for a friend in life — like Seungwan. Seulgi is very dear to her and imagine the pain Seulgi feels right now for not knowing the truth," Soonyoung's eyes flashed in alarm, and it dawned on me that people actually believed in me that I can fix this.

They were always there, Junghan and Soonyoung, and my mind felt clear as they understood and believed in me. Even after all these times, after knowing the truth.

But in the end, I ended up procrastinating myself to tell the truth. I found myself backing away whenever I was faced with Seulgi: turning on my steps, busying myself with my books, pretending to talk with my friends. It was cruel of me when I was the one at fault and I kept telling myself that I would make it up to her the next time, I would tell her the next time we meet.

Æ

When you manage to avoid things you refuse to face for countless of times, there will be a time when you let your guard down and somehow coincidences will sneak in to drop you into the situation itself.

Saturday, six in the evening. The sky is in the shade of purple haze and I take a breath of fresh air with less carbon dioxide staining the air as fewer cars go on buzzing through the streets. Everything goes in a slow pace and every sound seems to hum sleep into my system: fading laughter of high school girls in their skirts barely reaching their knees, skirts flapping and swaying against the wind to the sound of small food stands closing in as old ladies in their forties with sweat and deep lines across their faces beg life to differ, to tunes coming from a music store playing a soft RnB song. The thing that seems so strikingly familiar is the song itself.

Ah, it's that song Seulgi played for me when she snuck in the chance to slip an earbud to my ears. I think the singer's name is Dean and Seulgi has the whole album in her phone and I think she also bought one. She has always loved to keep the things she love near her, from her favourite green pastel sweater, to her white hairbands, to her ears without piercings, and perhaps myself. 

Perhaps, she decided to stop when we no longer stand beside each other in an arm length.

Walking to the grocery store, hands in the pocket of my jacket as my favourite black snapback cupped my head, my body suddenly crashes into someone. My head was casted down and I somehow didn't notice a pair of white Adidas which walked into mine. 

She falls and I'm the only one left standing, waiting as she collects herself and limps when she stands.

It doesn't take three seconds to realise that it's Seulgi. She must have gotten hurt again from too much practice and I sigh at the thought.

"I'm sorry, I was–" when our eyes meet, the apologetic smile that inhabits her lips leave and she– Seulgi hides herself from me, as she wraps an arm across her chest, seeming as if she rubs the sudden cold that rests inside her when she sees me.

I know that she's waiting and this is the time.

"I need to talk–"

"You're avoiding me."

We're looking into each other as we stand in arm length. Seulgi insists on finishing her sentence when our words collide.

"I was, but not today. I need to talk to you," I'm ready to talk to her. Time is running out, and this is probably my last chance to have Seulgi believe in me.

Cold mists colour the gap between us, as she breathes out heavily, as if she's holding in her breath all this time. Her fingers skirt along the tresses of her dyed locks, showing me a glimpse of her red ears, then falls again in more organised locks as her hands rest before her. 

"I don't want us to end, Seulgi."

"That's why I'm here."

Æ

I decided to take her to my rented room, since there is no place suitable enough to have a conversation which is so private between the two of us. I refuse to have people witnessing whatever things between us that's broken and falling apart, as we struggle to piece it back and put everything back into its place. They won't understand and it's the best choice for Seulgi and me.

She places herself to sit on the sofa before my bed and I sit on the bed, sliding off my jacket and cap to the table, where a laptop placed in the middle with sketchbooks, drawing utensils, jar full of candies and a frame with a picture of my family lined behind it neatly.

"Do you want the air conditioner to be ?"

"No need for that. It's lukewarm, I prefer it this way," She shrugs her oversized cardigan from her shoulders, then places it in her lap. 

She's waiting, and I'm collecting everything that I want to say to her, all the truth without embellishment of lies and façades. 

"Everything that happened: everything was true. I– there was a time when I slept around with girls I barely knew. But, it doesn't mean anything. It never has," my palm is folding and unfolding by itself unconsciously, sweats forming as my palms clash into each other. I look into her eyes, stripping all my feelings bare to her. There's a crestfallen look that appears on her face when I said this. I push myself to go on.

"But what I want to emphasise here, is that I stopped when I met you. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to say this. I was afraid that you didn't want to see me anymore. I saw how you cried that day and it hurt, Seulgi. It was painful to know my reckless decisions gave you a bad impact.” As I go on, my hands begin to move on its own, gesturing and no longer folding and unfolding by itself. She gnaws on her lips, as she nods her head understandingly, ushering me on to continue.

She's still here. "I would never go behind you like that, Seulgi. I hope you believe in me for this case,” I say everything that I want to say and I'm not brave enough to sit beside her, still.

"You should have told me sooner, Wonwoo. Why does it take you so long to tell me? I was so confused beyond my wits. Taemin told me all these bad and horrible things, then Jongin and Sehun told me that they're all lies. I didn't know which one to trust and you avoided me. It was a very suffocating feeling to feel," she gulp lumps in as she says this, her eyebrows furrowed as if she's thinking hard and her eyes blinking in worry, confusion and frustration all at once as she grips on her sweater, her voice raspy and full of pain.

I run my palms through my hair. "I'm sorry, Seulgi. It's my fault, there is no reason for me to excuse myself. I messed up real bad, back then.”

"I wanted to believe in what Jongin and Sehun told me. I really did, Wonwoo. But you revealed so little parts about who you are for me to know. You left out all the details I want to know and I'm left wondering and assuming things about you. I want things to be sure and certain, so I wait instead."

"I don't want to remember the things Taemin told me. It was horrible and humiliating. He degraded you so much in front of the whole class. I didn't know if I should protect you, or myself. In the end, I protected myself," her chest rises and falls heavily, as if carrying the world's affairs on her back. 

"I never care about what people think about me–”

"But I do, okay? I care about you, Wonwoo. It was unnecessary of him to tell it in front of so many people. I wanted to get angry at him for doing so, but my head was conflicted with the possibilities of what he said to be true. The thought made me sad and angry. So, I'm sorry. For not believing in you, that is," she looks down. Her eyes cast down to her lap, fingers fiddling with her sweater. I should be the one to feel guilty, but Seulgi somehow finds it in her to feel that way.

I find myself getting up to sit by her side, pulling her into me, tenderly pulling her head to my shoulder as she moves along. "You shouldn't feel sorry for anything, Seulgi. It's not your fault."

Seulgi shifts closer awkwardly to me, wrapping her arms around my neck, her tresses softly caressing my neck. Her heavy breaths feel like a summer breeze touching my ear, her chest rising and falling slowly against mine. I can almost hold her heart in my hand as we are so close to each other. So close that I can almost hear her heartbeats over the silence that is so loud, almost deafening to my ears.

‘Thump, thump, thump,’ it goes in a constant beat, similar to those down tempo songs. It takes its time to beat away into the walls of her heart.

Placing my hand on the back of her neck, I can feel the smooth surface of her skin. Her slender neck rests on my shoulder, and it feels as if she wraps all of her existence around mine that is fading away as life had attempted to strike me down. In that moment, I feel alive and a little bit filled up with hope. My fingers fleet through her hair, gradients of black fading into grey and Seulgi feels fragile above my skin.

I guess, this is what it means for people who are strong on their own. Once they find something precious and dear to them, they will hold it carefully so it won't fall and shatter.

When I hold Seulgi in my arms, her body trembles at something which I don't know the reason behind it. I only ruffle her hair to tell her silently that I am here. She buries her face close to the crook of my neck, feeling tears and eyelashes flap to my bones. It happens for so long, as if she empties herself of the tears she held in all this time. Because of whatever reasons she's probably too ashamed to tell or admit.

I missed her, on those days we ignored each other and through whispers and mumbles to herself, a muffled 'I miss you’ escapes from her lips, and I let her believe that I don't listen. 

Pointy ears stop themselves from prodding on my neck as she lets go. With her hair covering her face, she wipes her tears, hiding her face from me again. 

"Your room is neat, by the way," her hands are no longer on her face and she tries to smile at me, red nose and crystal eyes. 

She wants to be fine and not have me worrying her all the time, so I let her be. "Well, of course. I have no one to take care of this room. It's not big, so it's not so hard to clean this place.”

She nods and draws her feet to her chest, leaning back to the soft couch.

"I'm sorry for asking this, Wonwoo. Did it hurt?"

"What did?"

"Um, you know. , that is," in mild curiosity, Seulgi's eyes flash in a light of inquisitiveness, though her eyes are still swollen from crying. Her tone is a little bit meek and casual.

"I thought you're uncomfortable with these kind of topics? What's with this, all of the sudden?"

"Just curious, that's all. Since you've done it. It's obvious that I haven't done those kind of stuffs," she casually shrugs the topic of her being a away and I chortle at her attempt.

"Well, why don't you try it with me now? There's–”

"Oh dear God, Wonwoo. I'm leaving," I end up laughing at her blank and dazed face and quickly hold her wrist back from walking to the door.

"Okay, okay– I was just kidding! Geez, I missed teasing you okay? I promised not to touch you in 'any inappropriate spots' remember? I learned my lesson when my hands slipp–"

She steps in front of me, her hands on her hips as if she's ready to scold me, her eyes gloom over my head, twitching in annoyance. "Your hands did not slip, okay? You were already tugging my shirt out of my jeans, seriously. As if I didn't know what you were trying to do," she shakes her head in a dissatisfied look and I can see her being absent minded again, as if she is recalling that moment when I got caught up in the heat of the moment and I was literally hovering over her, losing control of my hands.

Something was definitely wrong me with me that time. We were sitting in the far corner of this coffee shop near our college, away from prying eyes. It started with a light kiss, and when it went deeper, my hands began to roam and Seulgi frowned and pushed me away.

I wrap my arms around her waist, quick to snap her out as her eyes flash in surprise, as if she's pushed by the wind close to me. I grin in amusement at her furrowed eyebrows. "You're too playful for my taste sometimes, Wonwoo."

"Why do you keep doing that? You often looked so lost in your thoughts."

"Are you avoiding this topic–?”

I shake my head, tightening my arms around her waist when she's about to step out. It feels so right to have Seulgi between the gaps of my arms and I really want to ask this for a long time. "I have always wanted to ask you this, Seulgi. I lost track of how many times I caught you staring off into an empty space."

Her prettily shaped fingers begin to trace parts of my face as she breathes out her reply. "To be honest, those times are the moments where I let my mind rest. Rest from thinking about... anything, really. Just to rest, that's all. Or to think deeply about some things. Most of the time, I get lost in it too much that I end up clueless. It's a habit I can't lose, you see. My father constantly got angry over this," her fingers trail from my eyebrows, then below my eyes, my cheekbones, to my jaw. She's letting her fingers roam in all the sharp parts of my face.

"I'm glad that you're aware of this," I sigh in relief that everything is all right inside of her mind. She only smiles, as if silently finding my worries for her affectionate.

Looking up to her as she peers to my eyes, she brushes strands of hair from my face. "The first time must have hurt, didn't it?" Seulgi finds herself bringing up the topic again.

"It feels wrong to talk about this with you.”

"Why? We're adults now. We're no longer sixteen year olds who shy away from the top– wait, I actually sounded like a sixteen year old. Well, I'm just curious. It's okay, if you don't want to talk about it."

"It feels wrong because we're together, and it sounds off, to talk about my experience with other girls to you."

"I guess you're right. It came across my mind and I suddenly regretted myself from saying it."

When I get too tired of looking up at her, I lay my head to her stomach. Seulgi seems so small and lithe in my arms, her waist like a fairy and her stomach flat. She's running her fingers, prettily shaped fingers, along my hair and calmness seeps into my bones by her doing so.

"Why did you start doing it, Wonwoo?"

"It's a long story.  A very lengthy and sad one," I pull her close as I said this, making my voice muffled to her t-shirt. 

"So what? It's only seven in the evening. I want to listen and understand you more," she places her hands below my jaw, turning it upwards to look at her. Her hair is covering half of her face and I can only see a smile forming on her lips, her eyes forming twin crescent moons, mirroring each other's motion. "Let's see what kind of story you will tell me."

I let her go and lean back, patting on the seat beside me. "You might want to sit down while listening to me," she nods, scurrying to her spot and sits with left leg bent to the couch and the right stepping on the floor. She's wearing flower patterned socks with the background colour in pastel green and even though she said that her favourite is electric blue, I think she's fonder with the colour of mint green.

I breathe in, breathe out, and then begin.

Æ

Everything begins with me telling her that I wanted to relive the moments I had with them, Soojung and Mingyu. From that point, I pull a straight deep line towards the past. Of how I met Mingyu first, of how the three of us ended up together, the dynamic trio. Even though I was hesitant to tell her about my first crush on Soojung, I still end up doing so. She keeps on listening intently, and when the topic of Soojung comes up, she nods understandingly, refusing to disturb my story.

I catch myself stopping from now and then, as I am currently digging too deep into the past that I had buried away to forget.  Then, I go on to tell her the time when everything fell down, when everything that was beautiful between us fell apart. I'm telling Seulgi how Soojung told me of her feelings and she holds my hand, rubbing her thumb over my knuckles as if she is imagining herself to be in my position, as if she could almost feel the pain and frustration that I felt.

When it's the time for me to reveal the graduation part, I halt myself between my own words. Tears are welling up on my eyes as all the feelings, memories and the little things I loved about them wash over me, like little knives thrown to my being.

Gripping on my blue jeans, I take notice that the fading blue fabric feels rough against my fingertips.

It all comes back in a rush: Soojung with her buoyant laughter and violent antics, exuding flawlessness when she was anything but a goofball and a very emotional one, to Mingyu and his boyish smiles which melted the girls' loyalty to their boyfriends, his determination and positivity for a better day, and the way he looked at the sky when he spoke about Soojung.

If only the odds were in our favour, for me to be stronger and not as sensitive as I was back then, for Mingyu to be loyal and truthful about his feelings to Soojung, for Soojung to be considerate of my being and loved herself more, perhaps we would still be together.

We would still meet up in summer or winter holidays, knocking up each other's doors in turns. We would still find ourselves crossing each other's paths, perhaps, and we would tell each other of our college lives.

"I'm sorry, Seulgi. I– let me take my time in explaining this,"

"No, of course not. It's your story, and I'm the listener. Don't let me bother you, please."

I turn my gaze away from anything that will let Seulgi see the tears in my eyes. Nothing is worth looking in this dreary room, and my gaze ends up to my fingers. Fingers which travelled to places I never imagined to visit, bumpy edges and fading colours of purple in the knuckles.

"Wait, what happened to your knuckles?" Her voice is raised and she's quick to take both of my hands in hers before I have any chance to cover it. "What did you do? Did you get into fights? What's this, Wonwoo?" her fingers trace upon the fading shades of bruises and I look away.

I can feel my jaw tense up against her remark, then shaking off the tears from my eyes. I brush her hands off. "It's nothing. You don't need to know these kinds of sides about me. I don't want you to see them," running my fingers through my hair is my only attempt to avoid her concerned gaze.

"Okay, I'm gonna start again."

Seulgi seems hesitant, and nods instead.

We travel back to the past again, to the graduation ceremony. 

It was in the middle of summer, red leaves beneath our shoes and the sun was scorching hot, on the peak of its glory. I am telling Seulgi specifically of this scene in detail, from my parents clapping from their seats, my mother in a pink velvet dress which fell to her knees, because it was summer and long dresses are never a match to hot seasons. Then, to my father in his light blue shirt, sleeves rolled up to his arms, and a pair of white slacks. He was forty-five years old back then, older than my mother by two years. His hair was dark with shades of grey colouring his hair, signing the old age that was getting into him, and he had always been tall yet fit. There was still a sense of fitness in him, even though he was reduced to being lean, no longer toned muscles visible through the ripple of his shirt. My mother's hair was in curls, probably done in the salon, and she was beautiful like she's always been: the kind that gets better with age, even though with the sickness eating her away, she lost all the colours that was made up by the power of make-up.

Even though it was held in the school hall, the evident heat seeped into the room nonetheless, worried parents in their toes, watching their children's names and scores to be given. I was decent, and my mother didn't worry too much about me.

Looking at Seulgi, I keep my attention to her intently to not let the past swallow me. I realised that this time would come soon, and still I'm not composed enough to let this out in the open.

When all the students were called, we went back to our parents. I met Junghan, Seungcheol and Soonyoung and lots of others along the walk around the hallway, bowing to their parents and wishing each other good luck in our next step towards life.

Then, I bumped into Mingyu and Soojung. I didn't see her parents who were mostly clad in business suits and slick hair, but only Mingyu's parents behind them.

His face brightened up after he exchanged greetings with my parents, and somehow he excused the three of us to talk. My parents and his only nodded brightly, shooing us away. Both of our fathers exploded into hugs, and this signature fist bump which sent my mother's face a beet shade of red.

"Mingyu, he– he wanted us to meet again, ten years from that time. I guess he knew what happened between Soojung and me that–”

"–That he wanted to keep your friendship intact, nonetheless?"

"–That he wanted us to have a beautiful goodbye. To separate peacefully, without any hard feelings," I correct Seulgi's assumption with mine, staring ahead at something behind her. Not something, just anything to not look into her eyes that are filled with sadness.

Pouring out my feelings to Seulgi, I feel lighter and fine. Fear has always been nudging me in the ribs whenever I longed to tell someone of my sorrows, for a solution to this pain, to find the ability to forgive. I hope this is not a mistake: that opening up myself to Seulgi is not a mistake. It doesn't matter to me if strangers are to judge me, but it matters most when people whom I care about is being judgemental about me.

As the words flow out, the emotions inside me build up like a house of cards, stacking itself in staggers and wobbliness.

"I still can't forgive them, Seulgi–” my voice cracks, the wind dashes in and the cards fall down.

My palms cover over my face and a pair of arms envelop me in darkness. I can hear the sound of her breath and the rain falling outside of this room. For the first time, I weep in someone's embrace. Seulgi's, to be exact. Hands clammy, my head hurts from all the tears which brutally push itself out of my eye sockets. Seulgi hides me between tresses of her hair, her fingers on the back of my neck, dandelion fingers light over my skin.

"I don't like this. I don't want you to see me like this.”

"Nobody wants to be seen at their breaking point, Wonwoo. Nobody," she whispers softly into my ears, her voice sweet and calm like a lullaby. "But it's okay. You're with me and you don't have to deal with this alone."

"Wonwoo, I think you actually have forgiven them. Long time ago, but you just didn't realise it," the shaking stop and I tap my fingers to my eyes, brushing away tears and pain. I escape from the comfort of Seulgi's arms and turn myself away from her for the moment, calming myself down as I have my back bent and head bowed.

"By listening to you, I can sense the fact that you loved them, so much, that is. You must have, to be deeply affected by them to this point," her fingers spread across my back still. "If you didn't, you wouldn't have even thought about forgiving them. You wouldn't have even wanted to remember them. But I see that you want to keep your promise somehow, to this friend of yours to never forget them. To be forgotten is a very painful feeling. Especially by your own best friend."

"But this is my opinion. You know them the best, after all," as Seulgi's words soothe me, I lean back to the couch, her hand returns to her lap. An arm propped to the head of the sofa, I can feel her gaze at my face.

"Maybe you should try to believe in your friends' words. To believe that they really want to meet you, ten years later, where the three of you perhaps will be mature enough to face each other with genuine feelings. In real life, out there, things will be tough. You won't meet the same kind of friends you met in high school. People have priorities and I think most adults forget friendships as time goes by," she is speaking in a way like she has seen people change around her, deep thoughts she keeps away from the world.

As the clock strikes to nine in the evening, the room gets colder and Seulgi slips into her sweater, eyes drowsy as she begins to rub her ears.

"Aren't you hungry or anything?"

"No, I already ate my dinner back in my apartment. I was just taking a stroll around here you know.” She covers as she lets out a yawn. "You know what? I'm going home.”

"Wait, let me take you," when she's already slipped her feet into her shoes, I open the door to see that the rain is pouring harder than what we heard from the inside. "We're not getting drenched out there in the open," I close the door, and stands in front of it, rigid and unmoving, unwilling to let her go in the rain. 
"Then–”

"Just sleep here–"

"I can't believe this is happening.”

"I'm not going to do anything weird, okay? I promised you. You can have the bed, and I'll sleep in the sofa," I brush her away, as I walk into my closet, taking out a spare blanket.

"You are making me feel guilty now, look at that couch. It's so small, you can't sleep there."

"It's just for a night. And you're right, I can't hold myself back sometimes. Especially when I'm asleep: who knows what I might do to you," she laughs and pushes me away, then takes the blanket in her hand. I sneak a kiss to her forehead and she only smiles then skips to the bed and I proceed to take my own blanket and lay on the couch, another leg of mine left dangling awkwardly when I slip inside it.

"Goodnight, Wonwoo. Sweet dreams," she chimes softly as she snuggles inside of the bed, engulfing herself under the blanket.

I chuckle lightly as soon as I see that she's already dozing off into dreams, the rustling sound of the sheets coming to a stop and I end up whispering goodnight to silence. "Goodnight. Have a good sleep.”

Turning my face to the ceilings, I wait for any sign of drowsiness to call me to sleep as I dive into Seulgi's words and I realise that it's true. It's an undeniable fact that Mingyu and Soojung will forever be the precious parts of my life that I want to keep. The ones who give bright iridescent colour to my high school life, despite anything. Despite everything that happened.

And somehow, the tight grip of sorrow and pain that has always tied me down slowly lets go, as if realising that I am indeed forgiving them. Finally, after all these times. Through confusion and frustration that keeps me alive and drowning at the same time, I still end up here somehow.

I think about Mingyu and Soojung, if they will show up there, years later. I think about Junghan and Soonyoung, of how they believed in me. I think about my parents and I silently pray for everything to be better, for things to go smoothly and for Seulgi to stay. I hope she will stay, long enough to see that I will meet them in the future. I wish for Taemin to regain his old self and all the good qualities that made me admire him, to open his eyes that he is hurting a lot of people. And for Jongin and Sehun, despite anything, to not leave Taemin's side despite everything that happened between us.