A year and a month has gone by, and everything is becoming better as what I have wished throughout the last few months.

I stepped into adulthood last December, and with optimism and determination to reach for my dream, I indulged myself in the things revolving graphic design starting from then, expanding my knowledge by practicing and polishing my skills from time to time.

On my last visit where I returned home and stayed for the whole month with my parents, I saw that my mother smiled genuinely since that time in the hospital, and she hugged me while weeping, because she missed me so much. She said that I had grown taller and even sharper than my previous visit.

Change is always noticed by those who don’t see you from day to day, and I decreased the amount of cigarettes that I breathed in a few days before my visit, because it would be hard for me to stop smoking all together once I reach my home.

For my one whole month stay, I left my cigarette packs in my rented room, as my mother's health was the most important thing in the house. Perhaps my father stopped smoking as well, as when I came to the door to open it for him, for he arrived home from submitting his script, I couldn't smell a hint of nicotine when he brushed past me and ruffled my hair like I was six. He went straight to my mother by her rocking chair, and they bathed themselves under the loving arms of the moonlight, as he pecked my mother on the cheek.

We were struck by the idea of death that we didn't see that hope will always be there, if we want to open our eyes and take its hand, stretching down to us. My father should have known better than to smoke, and he realised before it's all too late. Therefore, he stopped.

And I was still trying, I am still trying. I look forward to the time where I will be able to stop before addiction skulks behind my back and bites me with its poisonous venom.

Walking side by side with Junghan and Soonyoung to Soonyoung's dance class, we chat about our last summer break and how my mother is better than she was last year.

"I told you, Wonwoo! Optimism is the answer to all distress!" He pulls me, and puts me into a headlock. I try to get out from his armpit around my head, because people are staring and snorting, and my neck is starting to hurt.

"Let go, Soonyoung! You're hurting him," Junghan pulls Soonyoung's arm forcefully and I breathe a strained 'Thank you' to Junghan.

I walk past the devils in disguise trio, and both Jongin and Taemin give me a salutation, while Sehun only nods back like he usually does, since we would meet again in our graphic design class. I stayed in contact with them through summer break, as they were the ones who accompanied me to our midnight adventures, through various clubs from one place to the other, just because Jongin found it too bothersome to bump into the same people he had banged.

Jongin used the word 'banged' because that's probably the literal meaning of how his one night stands processed: in a bang. With exclamation marks, three of them. I don't want to explain and look further into that.

We decided to accompany Soonyoung to his morning dance class. And besides, he wants to show us some new choreography of his that he made during summer break. Thus, we arrive early there, way too early as there is another morning class that had started, and doesn’t seem to finish any time soon.

The practice room is wide. Beside the door, you can see three rectangular windows that are wide enough and not so high that anybody who passes by this room can peek in to take a look inside, and even watch these people who believe in their movements and the flow of their steps.

We shamelessly stand by the window and watch. I stand in the middle, as Junghan is on my left and Soonyoung is standing on my right, close to the door.

"What class is this, Soonyoung?"

"This is a jazz dance class. They only hold their classes during mornings and nights by the way. Their mentor is a perfectionist prick," Soonyoung shivers at the sight of a woman on her forties, her hair tied into a high ponytail sharply. I can see why Soonyoung fears this woman: as she watches from the side, each student stands one by one in the front to dance, perhaps a dance routine that she has taught, but no satisfaction shows in the lines of her ageing face.

Everyone seems shaky in their postures and movements. Only a few of them are stable as they pirouette, lift their legs to the air and swivel, dropping to the ground in an attempt to seem broken, as jazz seems like the type of dance that conveys raw emotions of a human being. But many of them fail, and I can almost feel the hurt when their thighs bump the floor with a loud thud. She remains unfazed and only shouts a loud, "Next, Kang Seulgi!"

A girl with feline eyes and lean body, clothed in black leggings and a black tank top, stands up, her hair collected into a bun, with her ears that poke out with loose strands, her steps sure. She appears calm, calmer than anyone in the room who staggered and gnawed on their lips.

"I'm expecting a lot from you, Seulgi," Her voice is filled with expectation. It's obvious with the way she stands and is no longer sitting, her arms crossed and when she gives the cue, I can see her anticipation for the girl that stands at the front.

I have never been so enthralled by someone ever, for my whole life. I wasn't enthralled by Soojung, with her pretty smiles and hurricane-like self. I wasn't enthralled by Irene's beauty, cherry lips and her body beneath the sheets. But right now, the girl named Seulgi surrenders to herself, letting her soul take over her body, her movements fluid like water and gentle and delicate as satin, silk, and everything that easily slips between your fingers.

Her emotions are overflowing with determination, with longing, pain, and every feelings that words can't describe. She shows it all to the world, opening her heart and letting people see her: raw, beautiful, and broken, sophisticatedly broken as she swivels, her arms moving gracefully, falling to her thighs smoothly as her right leg manages to hold her back from falling in a loud thud, like what others have suffered.

In that moment, I feel the desire to believe. To believe in her, like how she puts faith in herself, to believe in the love that she felt for something that I don't know of. She jumps and twirls, and when it comes to the end, the mentor claps. Thrice.

"Good job, Seulgi. As always. But, your jumps – jump higher and bolder, then you'll be perfect–"

I was so enthralled by her that I don’t realise my jaw is hung open, and Junghan finds his way to close it. "Hey Won, don't stare too much. You'll be embarrassed when she catches you red-handed." Then I shake my head, putting my mind together and place my hand over my chest. There, appears a speck of hope inside of me that makes me want to learn how to love her. 

But it's all happening too fast, and I realise that I don't know anything at all about her. I am merely fascinated by her performance. I don't want to mistake a mere fascination for love. 

"You know what? She looks strikingly familiar–" Junghan muses, his right hand rubbing his chin thoughtfully, and Soonyoung completes his sentence.

"She looks like Wonwoo, Han–" I stare weirdly at the two of them, looking back at the girl, since the similarities between the both of us are not so striking that it should be something to point out. At least for me.

A light bulb seems to pop up above Junghan’s head. "Now I remember!" He snaps his fingers and turns to me. "Do you remember last year? Remember when we were late for our class? You almost bumped to someone, right? It was her!"

Eyebrows scrunched, I try to recall any event where I bumped into someone. It happened occasionally, as I often forgot my class' schedules, especially for Mr. Han's one, who once told me to go home for being late. Well, I deserved that, considering that I was late for 30 minutes at that time.

And then, I remembered thin lips: light coloured lips, with an earplug hanging low beneath her ear. I look to the front where she sits cross-legged, watching another classmate perform. My eyes go down to her lips and I blink in realisation. It was her: I met Seulgi last year.

"Who did you bump into? Seulgi? How can you remember that well?" Soonyoung wonders, pushing me a little bit to the back so that Junghan will be in his line of vision. I step a little bit to the back, so Soonyoung can join in and won't feel ignored. 

"I don't know. I just thought Wonwoo and her suit each other," Junghan gestures his head to Seulgi. "And it seems like you're already smitten by her," Junghan wiggles his eyebrows comically, and I wave him off. I was merely entranced by her, fascinated by her dance that seemed soulful. If I was smitten by her, it would probably because she danced so well. 

"You're looking too deep into this. I barely know her," I turn away from his prying eyes, and turns to the front as another student has come. My eyes fleet to her, and I catch her staring at me. Her eyes bore deeply into my soul, as if opening up secrets and judging me with those eyes that I have to admit, intimidate me with its ferociousness. I want to look away, but I don't want to lose. It's such a pointless contest, between two souls who barely know each other. 

Our gaze for each other seems to stay for such a long time, until Junghan taps me back into reality. I didn't realise that her eyes have left mine, as when I look at Junghan and spin to look at her, she's already talking with her friend. I thought that I was just imagining things, but Junghan's tease proves that it was real.

"Whoa, you barely know each other, yet you already make that kind of eye contact, Jeon Wonwoo?"

"Our eyes just met. It's nothing big." By this time, irritation creeps to the edge of my lips, but I hold myself back. I sigh. "It's too fast to jump into conclusions, Junghan."

"Nothing is ever too fast for love, you know."

Soonyoung scoffs, who is listening in silence all this time. "Don't speak as if you know anything about love. It's revolting," I notice the distressed tone in Soonyoung's voice that sounds aggravated, as he stares hardly across us, staring at anything but us. I peer into Soonyoung's eyes which hardens at the mention of love, and how he places his hand on the window and grip its sides in anger, as if doing so will soothe his anger.

"Soonyoung, you should stop getting sensitive over this topic–" Junghan pressures, and I'm glad that I am standing in the middle of them.

"I have told you to never speak anything about it in front of me, yet you still do–"

His voice is stern, and now Soonyoung glares at Junghan, keeping his resolution of finding Junghan's inconsiderate words to be his fault, not his who hates the idea of love being mentioned by his presence.

I look at Junghan, whose body is bent to gloom over Soonyoung's dilated pupils. Junghan isn't any better after all, getting himself riled up in this. Even though, this is his fault for mentioning such a sensitive topic.

They begin to argue over such a trivial topic and a quote Junghan conjured to affect me. I say the most irrelevant thing, just to stop them from punching each other. "Hey Soonyoung, do you know Seulgi?"

Fuming, red ears and furrowed eyebrows, Soonyoung takes a few deep breaths to calm himself, then closes his eyes for a moment. "Yes, I know her," Soonyoung brushes aside falling strands of hair from his forehead, then rakes his hair to the back. "We're neighbours back in our home. And believe me, I was surprised to see that she picked this, seeing her parents," his eyes fleet to Junghan. He has somehow calmed down, although Junghan looks not the least bit apologetic of what he said earlier. "We're friends, Junghan, but don't touch that topic again."

I dislike this kind of tense situation, as I would recall my past friendship. I haven't seen these two guys fight, but Seungcheol told me about this once, and it didn't go so well, as it resulted in bruised lips and purple eyes.

Junghan only shrugs it away, hands in the pockets of his black jeans, his white shirt crumpled in the sleeves as he has rolled it to his elbow. "I just hope you can stop. You can't keep wallowing yourself in hatred," Junghan means everything that is good, even though his way is somehow to force you out of your comfort zone. I hope Junghan won't do that to me.

Soonyoung stares ahead of the dancing students, now all in groups and lines, facing the mirror. Soonyoung is unpredictable, really. If you mention something he is not fond of, he is quick to shut his ears and stop listening.

Sometimes, he would walk out when he is aggravated beyond words. It can be anything really: caused by marks, news from the television, especially things related to love. Soonyoung has a really low tolerance for some things, and he wants us to notice it by ourselves. I assume he feels bad for asking us to stop, just because he feels irritated by hearing it.

There were times when I got annoyed, whenever I felt like he was being selfish. Like that one time Seungcheol talked about college choices. Perhaps, he felt insecure of how his parents didn't support him on his choice, and Seungcheol had sounded so sure and enthusiastic for his college life. Soonyoung didn't listen and instead played on his phone.

It was a relief that Seungcheol was so absorbed in speaking to notice that Soonyoung wasn't paying any attention at all. However, Seungcheol has been the type to ignore those habits of Soonyoung, and never took any of it to his heart. Perhaps, it's also because it had happened to me also, that I felt so aggravated back then.

As time went by, I came to understand Soonyoung with this sensitive side of his that he doesn't even pretend to hide. Especially in the case of love. With the way Soonyoung reacted, it is palpable that Soonyoung is still traumatised with the fact his former girlfriend dated his older brother, who didn't know that she was dating them both, all at the same time.

It was in our third year in high school. When I first heard of it, I couldn't believe such a dramatic situation had actually happened to one friend of mine.

Because, it's a situation that I couldn't picture to really happen in real life, especially to Soonyoung. I will never be able to understand the motive for someone to hurt the one they are supposed to love, even when I personally don't understand love in its romantic form. It also feels wrong to judge his former girlfriend. Because, after seeing how deeply Soonyoung is affected by her, it truly shows how Soonyoung liked this girl, more than I can imagine. But I also couldn't stay neutral when my friend got his heart broken.

Æ

"Anyway, about Seulgi," pushing the topic away, Soonyoung finds himself explaining a bit further of his life with Seulgi before all of this. "She is cool and all, but she is the type that is not so upfront of her feelings, do you get what I mean? Like, she says one, but means the other. It's pretty hard figuring her out, and I wasn't close with her, so that's the least that I know. And her parents – everyone in her family are medical graduates. People were talking of how she received a scholarship for a medical school, yet it seemed to be another false rumour–"

"Hi Soonyoung, Are you waiting for your class?" Soonyoung freezes in his spot, as the girl that is the topic of our conversation stands behind him. His lips move soundlessly, forming words that I can make out as ‘Act natural.’ Then, he turns to the girl.

"Oh, hi Seulgi," Soonyoung coughs awkwardly, and I can't see his face as his back is the one that faces me. He sounds awkward, but that's probably what happens when you meet friends from the past that you are not so fond of. They continue to converse and I keep myself busy as I turn to look at the class, seemingly coming to a closure. Junghan pokes me in the side playfully, then I let out a yelp that sounds so girly despite my deep voice. I glower at Junghan, who only grins mischievously and her voice is coming closer somehow, by this time.

"Are they your friends, Soonyoung?" She comes face to face with me, and I realise that she just walked out from the room, barefooted and still in her dancing clothes. Beads of perspiration is collected at the edge of her temples and below her eyes, her posture straight and poised.

Seulgi has a touch of femininity yet at the same time boyishness, with the way she stands. I think it's the trick of her shoulders that are quite wide. It's weird how she seems to both have these things and it screams at me, asking to be noticed. Even with the way her clothes had enveloped her body all in the right places, I have to admit that her body is fine.

Well, I guess it's just the way her body and features has a certain youthfulness that comes off as very girly and boyish all at once. I stop myself from judging too much into her appearance, and look up to her.

I know it's strange, but the way Seulgi's ears poke out from her brown locks make me want to pull on her ears, and see what kind of reaction will her face form. Her ears just seem so pointy to me. 

"This guy here is Wonwoo, a graphic design major and this long-haired guy here is Junghan, in the accounting major."

"Why are you referring me as the long-haired guy?"

"Because your hair is long and you are a guy. Isn't it obvious?" Soonyoung sounds snappy, and probably as a way to get up to Junghan's words back then. Seulgi looks at the both of them inquisitively, and shakes her head more to herself. Then, she looks at me and she smiles. Something tickles me in the back of my neck, and I hold myself back to chortle even the slightest bit.

"Have we met before? You look familiar. Correct me if I am wrong, I'm not good at remembering faces, you see," her fingers that are interlaced in front of her now wonder to the skin of her shoulders. Her right hand rubs on her shoulder blades that prods on her skin, forming a slight bump and she rubs that spot circularly. She sounds careful as she utters this, careful not to mistake me for someone else.

"I almost bumped you, last year. Your memories are good enough to remember such a small occurrence, so it's okay, really," my voice is calm as I assure her, and she nods and sighs in relief. Her hand no longer prods on her shoulder blades and falls to her side.

"And you, Junghan," her eyes fleet to him. "You were with him right? I couldn't have mistaken you for someone else, with that long hair of yours," I'm not supposed to feel like this, but I'm not fond with the way she refers to me as something that is commonly seen, a common face that you can find amongst the crowd, unlike Junghan with high cheekbones, lively eyes and luscious long black hair. 

"Yes, that was me! I had to excuse the rudeness of this friend of mine, who bolted away without uttering even a single word," Junghan nudges me in my ribs and I push him away.

"I was late, Han. And I was keeping you in check, so that you won't be left behind! You have always been a slow runner anyway–"

Seulgi shakes her head for the second time. I assume that she finds all three of us silly, as we indulge ourselves in little arguments that don't matter and she finds it amusing. "Anyways, I just want to remind you to keep your voices low. Mrs. Han sent me here to tell you that to you guys," she motions to the room and we turn to see Mrs. Han giving us stone cold gazes.

Soonyoung frowns, his eyebrows knitted together. "But we weren't even near loud–"

"But you know how Mrs. Han is like, right?" she asks, as if asking for an understanding from him. I immediately understand that she wants us to leave, but Soonyoung is clueless and Seulgi shakes her head for another time, this time seemingly in disappointment as she doesn't smile at all. "She doesn't like to be watched–"

"But the music is loud enough to cover our voi–"

She lets out an exasperated sigh at Soonyoung's persistence. I begin to feel guilty as she finds it hard to find her answer. "Just-just keep your silence for now okay? I hope you can be more considerate of this." Then when she is about to walk away, her shoulders going into a slump, I manage to make her turn and brighten her.

"Seulgi, your dance is worth two thumbs up, by the way," her thin lips stretch out into a wide smile, then decrease into a small one as if she feels wary of her surroundings, and her back is straightened once again. I can't see what made her seem so down all of the sudden, but I'm glad that she is able to return to her normal state, as she walks back to the practice room, poised and graceful.

"Did I just hear that right? Jeon Wonwoo hitting on Kang Seulgi, is this real? You liking girls?" To be honest, I haven't told any of them about this little nigh club visits that I joined with the devilish trio, but it's entertaining to see them tease me for it. It feels like a mix of shyness and tingles inside your stomach. Tingles that feel similar like the ones I have felt when she smiles at me.

Seulgi sits in her previous spot and our eyes meet. She didn't mention how we both had stared at each other so ferociously, and she only looks at me with a nod and a small smile, the edges of her lips pushing lines to her seemingly puffy cheeks, forming deep dents of adorableness near . 

"She needed it, Han. She deserved it at the same time. Soonyoung was literally cornering her, even when that Mrs. Han had her claws around her neck – and I'm not exaggerating at all, seeing you nod your way through my words," Soonyoung's eyes widen in realisation, but he agrees. Silence envelops him as he thoughtfully thinks about his latter actions.

Soonyoung is a good guy, but sometimes he is just unaware of the things that he should catch on. Sometimes, he is just so stark of his feelings and words that people often get offended by it, including myself.

The bell rings, finally after a few moments of standing until our legs feel exhausted. We pretend to be busy with anything that could prevent us from meeting Mrs. Han's eyes that were scanning us as she strides pass us. There is something about the way she carries herself that brings fear to us, and this image of a perfectionist and cruel teacher is formed so well that by hearing her name only, people would cower in fear.

Students begin to fill in the hallway, as the practice room is starting to get empty. Seulgi passes over us, clad in a grey sweater and her hair still up in a bun. "Your class is next right? I didn't turn off the air conditioner since you're already here." Seulgi is the last one to leave, leather black backpack hanging on her back. "See you around, guys."

Seulgi bids her goodbye, but before she takes another step, she thanks me for the praise she received. 

"Thank you, Wonwoo. For the praise before," she tucks falling strands behind her ears with a smile, then walks away. When she fades from our sight, the silence that has covered us tight in a trance, bursts out like a gum ball of madness, as Junghan now puts me into a headlock, and Soonyoung slaps my arm, both teasing me for Seulgi who smiled at me. I shriek in annoyance and then laughs, finding myself in such a ridiculous situation.

It's all too fast, but I think Seulgi has a nice smile. She gives of a sweet and natural scent and if there is any chance for us to be closer, I want to ask her what perfume she is using, just for the sake of knowing the source of her scent.

Seulgi burnt brilliantly more than any girls that I have seen, but the way she just approached me is amusing. It contradicts her persona, which she has stacked carefully into a tower of elegance and beauty. She seems so humble, as someone who is highly praised by a teacher who is not so considerate at all in giving critics and complaints. Also, a person, based on my conclusion of Soonyoung's story, who is brave enough to be herself and step out into the world with her dream.

I am currently inventing ideas and assumptions of Seulgi, trying to figure her out, and at the same time, weighing the possibilities. I try to stop myself from getting overly idealistic inklings of Seulgi's nature, because Seulgi is also a human: one who offer flaws instead of perfection.

I also find it fascinating, how life has its own way of connecting the ends of people's strings. There must be a reason why Seulgi just walked into my life now, not one year ago when everything was coming down. And I'm just hoping for this to be a good sign, of something pleasant entering my life, and more good things to happen after this.

Æ

Days pass by leisurely. Time seems to slow down as homework and tests increase day by day, expectation from the teachers and parents back home attempt to break my spirit, but I won't be fazed by something that can't harm or touch me. Aside from graphic design classes, I still have to attend the compulsory classes, like math as an example. Math has never been my lifetime nemesis, but it's not something that I enjoy learning.

The subject has always been complicated and I always ask the capable ones in the class to teach me. There will be times when I get too irritated to ask for the second time though, because some of them just explained it briefly, without making sure I could grasp whatever equation they explained. Some just pretend to not hear and excuse themselves because they have better things to do.

I thank the lords to have Junghan as my friend, as he is more than what the capable ones are, who is willing to explain the details and easy ways to get the answers without wasting so much time. But it bothers me how Junghan doesn't have the same schedule as mine, therefore I had always struggled to catch up in the class, when the topics get too hard. However, everything becomes better when I met Seulgi for the second time.

Seulgi was there and she was there to teach me all the things Junghan couldn't do, as he wasn't with me.

In the August of 2013, I met Seulgi for the second time. She came alone, with her black leathered backpack and clad in a green pastel sweater over white pants and white sneakers. She let her hair fall down into straight tresses on her shoulders, black with shades of fading silver on the tips. I was drawing in my sketchbook that moment, just for the sake of passing time, when I felt someone sit beside me. I was sitting in the middle of the class, my head bowed down and I was too immersed in my drawing to notice that it was Seulgi.

When I felt bored by my seemingly bland and repetitive sketches, I turned to look to the door, to see if Soonyoung had come in (I have the same schedule as Soonyoung, however, he literally gave up on Math and therefore only attend the classes so that he won't be ticked as absent) when I saw that Seulgi was sitting beside me.

She was staring into an empty space, for she didn't budge as I continued to gaze at her. I leaned back against my chair and scrutinised her. Her eyes were feline-like and soft, holding no intensity as it whirled in a pool of endless enthralment, of whatever she was thinking and imagining about. Her hair shadowed her skin, but the little tip of her left ear was still peeking out by bit, asking for a pull. Seulgi's ears were pointy and it reminded me of the elves.

As if something poked her on the side, she jolted in surprise, then her head frantically span from here and there, and our gazes were locked for the second time. I assumed that she was daydreaming, then she realised this was not the right place to have one.

Seulgi didn't glare at me viciously, but smiled in realisation. "Wonwoo? Have you been sitting beside me all this time?"

"Well yeah, but you seem to not notice," I shrugged it away, and then her eyes fluttered in embarrassment.  I found Seulgi strange and interesting right then. I had assumed that she would be composed and graceful in the case of carrying herself, but she didn't seem like it at all.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings," her eyes were meek, as she smiled ruefully to me. "Have you always had this class?"

"Yes, but I never saw you. Your schedules are switched this year, huh?"

She agreed with a nod. "Seems so. Night classes are so boring to be honest – well, I like math, but time goes slower in the night and I end up wishing to go home. So I’m quite thankful to have an afternoon class like this," Seulgi was very expressive as she said this, her eyes brightly looking at me.

"You like math? Well, that's a first."

"Glad to be the first," she grinned somehow proudly, but I didn't see any of it as something that ticked me off; Seulgi showing her uniqueness in liking math unlike the others. I just felt that she was very confident and sure in the things that she loved, and that was just the way she expressed it: with no hesitance.

The bell rang, and we continued to chat amongst ourselves, being open yet at the same time reserved, because we were friends who barely know each other, and I thought it would be for the better to keep our personal information be revealed bit by bit, not all at once.

After all, in the case of friendship, the process has always been the breath-taking part, not the result. The result is something to be immediately expected of the process, but in the process of friending and bonding our connection with those we call friends, we will feel anxious, excited for wanting to get closer as soon as possible.

Yet, the same time we don't want to seem too needy. You will also feel hurt and cynical if you find things which don't match your ideals. However, you will try, and I try, and I hope she also tries, to see the parts that we will come to find precious between each other. It's also similar to love, I suppose.

Along the lesson, I realised that Seulgi was one of the capable ones. Unlike the others who shunned me away and explained to me in the most complicated ways, Seulgi was willing to stop her work and break down everything into a simplified version of her own.

I found it very easy to grasp the topic by listening to her. I kept asking her questions, and by this time, I wouldn't mind to have myself ignored. I was being selfish and desperate to get myself out of this blackness of confusion in math, but Seulgi still replied to my questions. Patiently and kindly, Seulgi guided me to solve each problems.

"It's okay, Wonwoo. You can ask me anything that you want," she whispered with a reassuring smile, then turned her head to the front to pay attention to Mrs. Byun. I liked the way Seulgi was being cautious, yet at the same time she doesn't let it affect her to give any less amount of kindness to me.

There was undeniable warmth that flourished within me, then spread through my body. It felt very soothing and relaxing. I felt comforted by the warmth that she gave to me, in a very small form of it. But for me, it was not something small, and perhaps for Seulgi, it was not something small either, to help a fellow classmate.

By the end of the lesson, I collected all my bravery and manliness to ask for Seulgi's number (with the excuse of wanting to ask things related to math), and I succeeded in doing so without stuttering or avoiding her eyes, because that was a first time for me to ask a girl's number. Well, a girl, Seulgi, whose smiles caused tickles in the back of my neck, and now in the edges of my lips.

She gleefully gave out her number, and then we walked our own separate ways, bidding our goodbyes for each other with a smile, Seulgi with a smile that reached her eyes, which made me turn away. I wanted to hide the shades of rouge that skulked to my ears as it heated up.

Soonyoung didn't come, and I thought that it was going to be a bad day without someone worthy to talk to. But I was glad to have Seulgi beside me, who effortlessly conversed with me, with no hint of pretence.

It happened all too fast in a second meeting, but I think Seulgi is kind and very patient, taking great care in things she owns and she doesn't hesitate to help if you have the bravery to ask her, even though once she loses her focus, her mind completely flies to another place. Seulgi often loses herself in her track of thought and I want to point that out for her, just so she won’t lose herself. Well, at the time when we will be close enough to tell each other secrets.

I don't know if this is the start of love, but I'm glad about whatever these feelings are. Because it's the first time in a long time, for me to be so happy over such a small thing that someone did, and I'm eager to see what sides Seulgi will show me in our next meetings.

Æ

It has been three months and I have been seeing Seulgi ever since then. Sometimes in the jazz dance practice room, when I would insist on coming with Soonyoung (by this time, I no longer try to hide my growing feelings on Seulgi, but I subtly slipped it under the rug of Soonyoung's eyes, because he didn't like the idea of love, remember?) where she would burn brilliantly, and move in grace and beauty. I caught disappointment in her eyes whenever Mrs. Han uttered words about her flaws, and I feared for her that from time to time it would break her. But Seulgi is very determined and I would catch her practicing at times when the school is close to being empty.

I found myself inching to Seulgi whenever I had the time, hanging out together in this coffee shop down the street as we walked side by side. Seulgi's head only reached a little bit below my shoulder, and I took note of that point. I liked to imagine us walking side by side, as I am taller than her and she seems smaller and frailer than the strong and determined she is supposed to be. We would talk about ourselves, between claps of laughter and fingers pointing at each other at how different and similar we are at the same time.

But I also noticed how she didn't answer some of my questions, turning it away to another topic. I caught her lying at times, as she would divert her eyes away and run her fingers along the green and blue veins that are visible on her arms. She is hiding things from me and I try to understand, but I can’t help but feel disappointed. At least she never let me down, to the point I no longer want to see her face. She is not perfect after all, and I have embraced the fact that humans are not perfect beings. That kind of thinking has given me a lot of advantage to accept things as they are. To accept Seulgi as she is.

Seulgi's favourite colour is electric blue, and she said that it's because she once saw the electric blue skies, and it was the most beautiful thing that she had ever seen in her life, other than her mother's favourite embroidery pieces they have in her home. She saw it at the age of ten, and ever since then, she hasn't seen it for the second time. She said it's because the sky has become too polluted, that the stars either died from the pollution, or buried under it.

"Why did you name it electric blue skies? Do you even know what the colour of electric blue looks like?"

"To be honest, it's similar to the colour of midnight blue. You may see me as strange, but that time, there were so many stars up there and I imagined them to be connected with a line in an electric speed. I could almost hear the zip zaps of the lines– Oh my, what am I saying?" she chortled, waving it away with her hand. "Never mind. I can't explain it, it's just difficult to be broken into words — these memories of mine. But if you ever see a starry night, and you try hard enough to see it, I think you'll be able to see. That electric blue sky, that is." That time, we travelled somewhere not so far from college, somewhere in the open space Seulgi had said to be beautiful, and it was indeed a picturesque place. She took me to these high grounds where we could see everything from above. The grounds were dusty with sands and rocks, and we spent our time in each other's company.

"You can show me the way, Seulgi. I hope I will see one when you are by my side," I turned to look at her, sincerely hoping so and she nodded reassuringly, but without certainty.

"I hope so. I also wish to see one with you," she seemed certain when she said this, yet at the same time not clinging onto that hope. Perhaps, Seulgi didn't see me as a constant thing in her life, therefore she didn't promise; she only wished. This might be something that Soonyoung had pointed out about her, saying one yet meaning the other. She rarely does this though, so it all fell to Soonyoung's false judgement of Seulgi, despite being not so close to her.

At that moment, I showed Seulgi my smoking habit for the first time, as I took out a pack of cigarettes from my jeans pocket, asking Seulgi would she mind me smoking near her. She was startled at first, but then she gestured me to go ahead, and I proceeded to light it up, then taking a long drag of nicotine into my lungs. I saw Seulgi hold her breath as I did this and I smiled mischievously at her. She didn't say anything as she immersed herself in a song she played for us through her phone.

She had a variety of song choices as hip-hop, pop, classic rock, alternative, jazz, and many more music genre were played in a shuffle. Seulgi hummed to the songs as I dragged my breath to inhale every nicotine that there was, as I directed my cig stick away from Seulgi.

Seulgi's hum was mellifluous, and I let myself drown in her voice that sounded like a lullaby. I was thankful that the wind was blowing east that day, as I sat on the right and Seulgi on the left.

Æ

Since then, we occasionally would meet up there when we won't be busy with studying or hanging out with our friends. Either Seulgi or I would suggest the idea.

Today is the fifth time that we are meeting in this place. The night is approaching, and we have no more classes to attend. Seulgi is on my right now, and even though the wind is blowing west, killing and shunning the rusty coloured clouds away from us, Seulgi's eyes are dark for the first time and the songs that are playing shuffled are soft and soulful, yet sombre at the same time.

She doesn't look at me when I light my cigarette and by this time, she is probably tired of me, bored out of me who chooses smoking in silence rather than talking to her. I don't have any interesting topics in hand at the moment and Seulgi's attempts to make one failed, as I am too busy paying attention to the smoke that slithers out of my lips.

"Wonwoo," Seulgi's hair is black with fading silver tresses in between, as she had repainted it for the third time two months ago. The wind is blowing her hair away, and she doesn't struggle to put it back into place this time, as she looks at me intently, the wind gently caressing her face and her hair considerately. Her feline eyes are tender, and I can see hints of black shadows beneath her eyes. She must not be resting well, seeing it like that.

I stop smoking, and put it away for the moment.

"You are destroying yourself," Seulgi utters, and I see her hand itching to take the cig stick and step on it. "You are slowly destroying yourself. I have known you for a while, and I know you can do better than this."

I gaze at anywhere but Seulgi: to her hand that is clenched in a fist, to her phone that shows the song ‘Youth’ by ‘Daughter’ being played, a gentle strum of guitar attempting to calm the hurricane inside of me that is slowly expanding, as I become aware of the truth. It is not salvation that I will find in this supposed to be escape: it will only bring destruction upon myself, like what had inflicted on my mother. I was too blind, too clouded with worries that I didn't realise all of this until Seulgi pointed it all out to me, stripping me to my emotions and deep secrets that I have slipped under the rug.

At that moment, I feel frustrated because all of this time, none of my friends have ever pointed this out, or never brave enough to remind me this. Perhaps, they have tried but I didn't listen and I end up blaming myself. The panic strikes me numb and I suddenly have the urge to break down, to break for the first time.

But I don't want Seulgi to see me in such a frail state, when I saw Seulgi who was built from all the fire her classmates had set her in, jealous over her achievements and arrogant of their skills that are not better than hers. Seulgi, who stands tall and unmoving from her resolute determination to become better and better, even when people attempt to trip her into failure. The more frequent I saw her classes, the more I can fathom and grasp the fact that Seulgi only has one to two friends in her class who would clap genuinely for her when she is called out to perform, as the rest would be whispering things with their eyes viciously scanning through Seulgi.

I had seen people who are lost in the fire, and I can't help but to refer Soojung, as she lost herself in the fire of her parents' dream, in the flames of her love for Mingyu. Seulgi might have been lost once, but she built herself with it, becoming stronger than ever. She never mentioned any of her classmates' attitude, for she probably saw it as a normal thing, another reason for her to be better than all of them. I mentioned to her once, and her answer made me admire her more than anything.

"I don't have much time here, so I better excel all that there is for me to improve. Their words don't matter to me. They might not realise it, but the more they try to break me, the more they are actually bringing themselves down. Putting others down is not the way to build your self-esteem."

I like that Seulgi is someone whom you can have meaningful talks to, not meaningless talks that would only fade away in my memories. Her words had motivated me to become better in my own, to not mind those that judge me unforgivingly.

Seulgi now takes the cigarette stick from me, and steps it with her feet. I don't feel angry at all, as someone actually has the courage to stop me from destroying myself. "I care about you, Wonwoo. More than what you think I do. And I want to stop sitting back and watch you inhale those packs of cigarettes."

Seulgi cares about me, about my health and I suddenly want to tell her everything all at once. About my past, about everything that has turned me into this kind of person. But I'm still not ready for her response, so I say something that has been eating my heart out, something that I have been lying myself to.

"Seulgi, my mother is sick–"

"Is–"

"My mother is dying, Seul. I know it, I have looked up her disease, and even though my father said that she is better now, I still can't bring myself to believe him–" my voice trembles as I said this, and I rake my hair back, press my hands deep to my face, breathing heavily in sorrow. I close my eyes, wanting to forget, yet I have to make peace with these feelings of mine. The demand is too hard to be completed, and I lose to my own self.

I listen to the sound of Seulgi shifting closer to me, and she places her hand on my back, stretching her fingers wide across the surface of my brown t-shirt, her lukewarm heat infused to my backbone.

I keep counting on her steady breaths, to the guitar strumming sad tunes, to the faint voices in the distant city as the night approaches us. Seulgi must have thought that I'm currently weeping childish tears, even though I am not. I'm keeping my pain in, so it won't gush out. I let Seulgi's hand draw circles on the centre of my back.

"I just want you to know, that whatever happens, whatever things that might happen, I'm here for you," I put my hands away to look at her when she begins to speak, and Seulgi's gaze at me is strong and sure. Then her hand reaches out to hold my hand. Her pale fingers latch onto my palm, holding it securely beneath her fingers. 

"I'll make sure to remember Seulgi, I will," I breath a silent thank you, and at that moment, I finally know what love is.

Love is when you finally meet someone that is able to bring the best out of you, the one person who is brave enough to point out your flaws, and even though you will be hurt, they only mean the best of their words.  For me, love is that moment where someone still accepts you in your frailest moment, who comforts you instead of backing out from the awkwardness of facing a grieving soul. 

At that moment, I finally know what my feelings are to Seulgi. Seulgi, who is made all of the fire people had set her in, who burns brilliantly more than anyone. Seulgi, whose fire is warm, and at times hurt me unintentionally with her little embers.

"And life is beautiful because it ends. I don't want to destroy your hope, but please, remember this, always. Don't ever lose yourself," Seulgi envelops me with her warm arms, and I lean to her shoulders. For once, somebody holds me with no intention to have pleasure, like all the girls who claimed that I made them feel alive and asked for more. And I let myself drown, in the safe haven of her arms. 

With the assurance of someone who is willing to stay by my side, I try to make peace with my worried heart for the future and my parents, for my friends, for the devilish trio, for the girls that I have touched. And also for Mingyu and Soojung, whose mistakes sound not so severe in my mind now, compared to the past.