3 months have passed after the kiss. My relationship with Luhan has started to feel something different. Unlike those days where we were hanging out together after school and spent our days with talking, nowadays I tend to keep quiet and self-conscious around him. After the kiss, there are a lot of change between us. We rarely talk. Furthermore, I was busy with the stage play and apparently, Miss Yoon decided that the kiss scene won't be included. I felt relieve. I have this kind of feeling where I don't want anyone to kiss me after Luhan had kissed me.

Everyday, I kept thinking about the kiss and Luhan. Was the kiss an accident? Or did he intend to kiss me? Because of that, he has been on my mind way too much that I couldn't stop thinking anything other than that. After that kiss, Luhan acted normal like nothing has happened while I want to ask about the kiss but I felt my mouth is so heavy to open and my voice couldn't come out. I was so awkward around him. I don't know how to pretend that the kiss never happened or forget about it. Because I was busy, I couldn't hang out with him after school and both of our family noticed the change between us. It was all started when Luhan arrived home earlier than what they had expected and his mother even called my mother to ask about us.

"Yerin-ah, are you going to confess to him?"

I heard several girls who were surrounding to one particular girl named Jung Yerin asked a question about her confessing to someone. I'm usually not interested in listening anything from that group of girls who are also my classmates but Yerin's next sentences makes my heart hurt and I feel like I want to cry at this moment.

"Yes! I'm going to confess to Luhan today. He will accept me for sure." Yerin said with a big smile, though I have to admit that her smile is so fake and force but her words hurt me so bad. Is Yerin going to confess to Luhan? I know that she has a huge crush on Luhan as well as hating me for being close to him. But honestly, is she going to confess today? Am I too late to tell him my exact feelings?

Suddenly, I heard a little squeal from them and one of them said Luhan's name which shifted my attention to the classroom's door and there he was. Walking in with all girls in my class eyeing him like a prey. That includes myself but my gaze to him is different from the rest. At least that's what I think about myself. He flashed his smile to all the girls who greeted him. I cringed at their reaction after Luhan replied back to their greeting. Deep inside my heart, I hate the way he greeted back at them. I hate the way the girls reacted after he greeted them back. I hate how the girls looked at him like that. I hate all the girls who had a huge crush on him. I hate all girls! I HATE EVERYONE!

"You came early today, Joohyun. I thought that you're not coming. I was worried if you get sick." I was drown in my thoughts that I didn't realize that Luhan was worrying about me. We always come to school together but because of my commitments to the stage play, I had to come early and I told Luhan about that. Luhan knows that the play had ended and we can come together again but I wanted to stay away from him. It's hard to look at him as my best friend after he kissed me.

I came back to reality when Luhan put his palm on my forehead. I was taken aback with his action and my heart is beating crazily fast and I lost my breath that Luhan is really close to me. Sure we had our distance closer than this but I've never had that feeling towards him. He was looking at me worriedly and heaved a relieved breath after that.

"I was waiting for you and even called you when you're not at the bus stand. Why don't you answer my call?" I took my cellphone and there are 20 misscalls and 10 messages and all of them are from Luhan.

"My phone is in the bag. I put in silent mode."

He lightly punched my arm with an annoyed look. "Idiot! Why would you silent your phone? I'm calling you like crazy and thought that you're dead or something." He walked back to his seat which is just next to me. Usually, I would get annoyed at him when he tried to joke on me like that but today, I feel disappointed with myself. I felt like I made him upset with my action. I feel guilty. My eyes briefly stop at Yerin and her friends and they were looking at me. It's a mad gaze. Every girls will throw that glare to me. I'm used to that but right now, I see those girls are my rivals. But was Yerin really serious that she is going to confess to him today? A lot of girls had confessed to Luhan before but he rejected them politely. I don't want to believe anything what Yerin said. I will fight with everyone for Luhan.

I packed all my things and put it inside the bag to go home. Luhan wasn't here now because he went to washroom and reminded me to wait for him so that we can go back together. Honestly, I'm not sure how to feel with that. I can't keep calm when he is close to me. How am I suppose to feel when it's only two of us? Are we going to hang out like before? I don't know what to talk to him now. Like I've said, I don't see him as my best friend now. I'm looking at him more than that. Someone that I want to be forever until I die.

I flinched in surprise when someone slammed my table with a huge sound which brought attention to everyone. They were all looking directly at me and Yerin, who just slammed my table in anger. I'm so used to this. Facing Luhan's fangirls is numb for me but that was before. I wasn't in love with Luhan and he is my best friend so I don't have to worry anything but not now. I feel scared of Yerin and how much I wish Luhan whould come and save me from her.

"Why are you always sticking around with Luhan? Are you using him? Are you pretending to be his best friend so that you will flirt him and eventually become his girlfriend?" Yerin threw a lot of questions to me, feeling unsatisfied with my friendship with Luhan. Usually, I will reply back when those girls asked that to me but this time, I couldn't. Why? Because her questions affected me a lot. I'm always sticking around Luhan. Though I don't understand her meaning of using him, I can say that I'm using him whenever I need help but it's not that bad, right? Her last question affected me the most. Am I pretending to be his friend? No, because I've known Luhan since we were young and we were neighbours! Am I flirting him? Of course, not! But becoming his girlfriend? That's the reason why I'm doubting my friendship with Luhan now. I have fallen in love with him. If Luhan was meant to be my boyfriend, Yerin's statement might be true to everyone but I swear that I'm not pretending and I had never flirted him.

"Do you perhaps use a black magic on him so that he will only look at you?" I heard gasps from everyone around here. I can't believe this! Yerin accused me for putting a black magic spell on Luhan. I want to cry now. "See? You're not answering me. That means what I've been saying is true." Yerin said with a victory smirk. My tongue tied. I couldn't say a word. Now that I've remembered, Luhan is only looking at me. Only me, not other girls. But that doesn't mean I used a spell on him.

Suddenly, Luhan came and dashed to my seat. He takes my bag and his bag on the desk and glared at Yerin before he grabs my wrist and dragged me out of the classroom. I was staggering with my steps as Luhan dragged me really fast and I was trying to understand everything because it happens so fast.

We are sitting on the bench at the fountain pavilion. I was just sitting there while Luhan reads his book without saying anything to me. I don't understand why he ignored me. Ever since the day that I was casted for stage play, he didn't speak to me anything. Does he perhaps still remember the kiss? Could it be that Luhan wants me to forget about the kiss and we remain as friends? But I didn't want that to happen. I don't think I can just pretend that the kiss was never happened and I don't think I can be friends with him after that. I just can't. That kiss; my first kiss, means a lot to me. I can't just throw away that memory.

Suddenly, my mind starts to remember about all those insults from his fangirls who hate me to death because of our friendship. Now when I think about it again, it hurts my heart a lot. I feel like I want to cry after remembering those insults and swearing words from them. My breath becomes uneven. My tears threatened to fall from my eyes. I've become restless just from thinking about that. I cover my ears with my hands and shut my eyes tightly before I let out a loud scream to erase all the bad thoughts in my head.

"Joohyun? Joohyun, are you okay?" Luhan shook my shoulder after he heard my screaming. I forgot that he is sitting beside me. He looked at me in concern while I turn to him without noticing that a drop of tear came out from my eyes and fall through my cheek. I was taken aback when Luhan wiped my tear with his thumb. Other than when I was young, I had never cried in front of Luhan. Whenever I feel sad, Luhan is always there for me and cheer me up. "Joohyun, are you feeling sad because of what Yerin had said to you? Just ignore her. She doesn't know you at all more than I do. You're my childhood friend. I know everything about you." He calmed me down. I feel like a knife has been pierced in to my heart repeatedly. It seems like he is only looking at me as his childhood friend. "Tell me what's bothering you. Spill it out! I'm here to listen all of your concern. Whether it's about me or anyone else." Luhan gave me a chance ro talk about everything inside my heart. My heart is beating so fast when he mentioned that I can talk about him. What if I talked about my real feelings about him? What if he didn't feel the same?

I want to think about other topics to talk but I don't have one while Luhan keeps pushing me to open my mouth, to let out everything inside me. How am I supposed to talk about that? How should I start? "You know, Luhan, we are friends ever since we are young and we are always together." Luhan let out a chuckle because he gets what I mean. We're always together like twins from different family. "We're talking, playing, hanging out, and bickering with each other." This time I let out a small chuckle at the mention of bickering. We love to bicker with each other and usually it's just a petty thing that we're usually bickering to but we ended it very fast and made up afterward. "I'm so glad to have you as my friend. I really don't want our friendship to be broken apart. Luhan, I- I think-" I feel like I'm having a hard time to tell him that I like him more than friend.

"What is it, Joohyun? Just say it. I will listen to every detail that comes out from your mouth." Luhan waited for me to speak and he put his hand on my head and caressed it gently. I feel really nervous when he did that to me.

I gulped while rubbing my palms, hesitating myself whether I should tell him what's on my mind and my heart. I need to tell him before it's too late. "Honestly Luhan, I- I want us to be together forever."

He smiled at me. Does that mean that he understood the meaning behind it? "I want us to be best friend forever too. We will be best friend forever until we die." Sigh! 'Best friend'. For once, I hate the words of best friend. I don't want him to be my best friend only but I want him to be a part of my life permanantly. I want him to be a part of his family and vice versa. Am I asking too much that I want him to be my boyfriend? "Hey, what happened? Isn't it great to be friends forever?" Without I realized that I actually shook my head to him without turning to him. It wasn't supposed to be the answer to his question. Okay, I admit. It is my answer. I can't help it. After that, I can see it from the corner of my eyes that Luhan's smile is fading away. I know that he was surprised with my answer but I don't want him to be my best friend only. "J-Joohyun?"

Sigh! I think I'm hurting him but that's not what I want. I turn to him and saw the confused face on him. I gather all my courage to confess to him about my feeling that I kept inside for three months after the kiss. "Luhan, honestly I didn't feel like this when we were together. I was happy to be with you and we were having fun without feeling 'that'. I didn't think of you that way at all." Luhan didn't react to everything what I said. He just stared at me blankly while waiting for the next sentence. Honestly, I don't know if I can do this or not. I don't want to lose him but I don't want us to be in friendship state. Am I being greedy? "You've been in my mind after you kissed me. I don't know what's the reason behind that kiss but I can't get over it. You're in my head way too much that I started to see you in different way. You're different than Luhan that I used to know." Instead the Luhan who always annoyed me, I'm looking at him as the gentleman person, like a girl who is having a crush on him. It's hard to believe back then I was questioning what are those girls seeing in Luhan that makes them go crazy but now, I understand. He is charming. Those eyes are so attractive. It melts me when I made an eye-contact with him.

"What do you mean that I'm different? I never change anything. I'm still the Luhan that you know." He denied of what I told him that he is different now. That's not what I meant. He never changed anything. It's just me. I'm not seeing him as a friend anymore. I have to repeat this so many times.

I shake my head quickly to avoid the misunderstanding. "No! I don't mean that. I was just-, I'm-," I sighed. When I'm going to confess to him? This is harder than reciting the lines from the stage play. I take a deep breath before I said, "I like you, Luhan! I've fallen in love with you after you kissed me. I love you so much that I want you to be more than my best friend. I really like you. Please accept me! I can't go back to be friends if you don't accept me." I finally let out everything inside my heart to him. I may sounded so selfish and greedy but I can't picture myself without Luhan. He is my everything.

It seems like Luhan is so surprised with my confession. I know that I'm pushing him to accept me. It's my fault. I gave him no choice; either accept my love or we won't be friends anymore. Seeing him dumbfounded with my confession makes my heart aches. I can't read his mind that can tell me his reaction to my confession but judging from his face now, he doesn't feel the same way. However, I don't want to believe that. I want to believe that he will say 'yes' to me.

He let out an awkward fake cough while clearing his throat to ease himself but then, no words come out from both of us. He must have known about my feelings that he doesn't want to answer it right now. Maybe he will say that he needs time to think but I can't and don't want to wait any longer. For some reason unexplained, this is more important than anything else. Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like this silly thing is a matter of life and death to me? Seo Joohyun, wake up! If he rejects you, someone else will accept you but I didn't want anyone else. I only want Luhan. Only him. Whatever happens, he needs to be mine.

The silence drags on. What going on? Why are you doing this? If it's a no, just say 'no'. That's fine. It is hopeless. Though I know that it's going to hurt me so bad. Luhan, why aren't you saying anything? Why are you avoiding my eyes that currently staring at you? Please don't tell me that you're going to say 'no'.

'Ding Ding Ding'

The clock from a building nearby rings out into the evening sky. It's five o'clock now and we're still sitting on the bench, waiting for the bus while me, waiting for Luhan's answer to my confession. Luhan, why aren't you answering me? Did you perhaps not feeling the same way as me? What should I do now? What have I done? I should've known that Luhan only sees me as his childhood friend, not more than that. My confession must've made him uncomfortable. I don't think this will work. How am I going to look at him for the next days?

I saw the bus is coming towards our stop and Luhan hasn't given any answer yet. I think this is hopeless. I know that we won't becoming a lover. Now that I've thought about it, it's my fault. I was only thinking about my feelings without caring how Luhan feels about me. I made him lost and dilemma. I really shouldn't have done that in the first place. I really shouldn't think about that kiss at all.

"I'm sorry." I said to him while down towards the ground and with that, Luhan turns to me in bewilder. "It is too sudden, isn't it? I'm making you having a hard time, right? It's my selfish thought when I said that you have to accept me or we won't be friends anymore. I'm such a fool. I've been only thinking of myself without caring about how you exactly feel. Let's pretend that this confession isn't happening and we're still best friend." I literally choked up when my mouth came out with the words of 'pretend that it isn't happening'. I look up to face while giving a sad smile but my eyes were already brimmed in tears. I quickly look away so that Luhan can't see those pathetic tears. I gulp and tell him that the bus is coming and I straight away stand up from the bench and walk outside the bus stop without waiting for him. I don't want him to see my tears that will fall soon.

"Joohyun, wait!" Luhan called me and my feet stop as soon as I heard his voice. My heart is beating so fast. Is he going to say something? Even though I stopped moving but I didn't turn to him. My body is like a stone because I didn't know what should I do now. I can't turn to him because I'm on verge of crying and I should've just leave him instead standing still like this but I want to hear his voice. I want to hear whether the reason he called me is because of his reply to my confession. I am so anxious with this. The atmosphere is really awkward and silent.

Before I know, Luhan is standing right in front of me. I didn't realize that he was walking towards me because I was too absorbed with my thoughts that played in my mind. He lifts my chin up to face him and I feel embarrassed that I was looking at him with those eyes. Luhan shouldn't see my teary eyes. Then, he leans closer to my face before he plants his lips on mine. My tears that I held it for so long are finally falling from my eyes. The kiss that Luhan gives me is different from the last time. It is soft and gentle. He removes the kiss from my lips before he hugs me tightly. It is so tight that I could feel that his heart pounding on me.

He let go of the hug and looks at me with a wide smile and wipes away my tears on my cheeks. He looks so happy. Does that mean he accepted me? Am I dreaming? "Thank you for confessing your love to me. I have been wanting to do that a long time ago but I didn't have any courage to do that. I've always thought that you were only looking at me as your best friend and I'm afraid that you're not ready to be in relationship." I'm speechless with what he said. All these years, he secretly likes me? I feel guilty of myself for not knowing that. He likes me for years while I'm starting to like him recently.

"I'm sorry." I said in low voice. I have to apologize to him for liking him now when he has a crush on me when we were young. "I didn't know about that. I was just started liking you after you kissed me." After he kissed me, my whole world is suddenly changed. Right now, I'm not looking at Luhan as my best friend but as a boyfriend.

He looks at me without leaving his smile after the kiss. "I'm glad that I did the right thing. I was just jealous when I found out about the school play that you participated with Chanyeol and hearing from you that there will be a kiss scene, it hurts me so bad. I know that you never had your first kiss and to be honest, I'm saving it until we get married but I don't want anyone to steal your lips from me so I had to. But then, it was cancelled. I was glad but at the same time, I was frustrated with my action because I broke my own promise." I don't know how many times I lost my words with everything he said. I was so stupid for talking about the kiss that triggered Luhan to do it but if it wasn't his kiss, I wouldn't see Luhan in different light.

"You don't have to blame yourself, Luhan. If it wasn't that kiss, I would never know that I have a feeling for you." I take both of his hands and hold it while looking at him with full of love. "Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for being patient for me." It must be hard for him to wait for me that long. I can't imagine myself what if Luhan grew tired of waiting for me and looked for someone else? After all the 'drama' ended, we decided to get in to the bus but once we turned, the bus didn't wait for us and just go while leaving both of us here.

We laugh at this. The driver must be tired of waiting for us or he is purposely leaving us so that we can enjoy ourselves together alone.

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