(x)

Minho stares at the message and his breath hitches in his throat, his lips turning drier and drier with each second as it passes. Wanting to push it away, but his fingers hover over the screen, his grip loosening, the phone threatening to fall from his hands.

We need to talk.

The way she writes the message, her point clearly put across - leaving him no way to get out of it, no way to somehow ‘misread’ the message - scares him. It scares her too, but she sent it before she had time to even hesitate, linger any further.

You should be sleeping.

Minho replies. He too, his words concise and straight to the point. The moment she receives it, she sighs, looking at herself in the mirror and wondering why is it she always has to end up looking (not to mention feeling) like the bad person. Pulling back her long locks of black curls into a loose bun, she texts back. 

Midnight date. The usual place. Be there in ten. We both know it’s better I don’t waste any time.

“I’d hardly call it wasting time,” he whispers, but is already on his way, slinging a bag over his shoulder after putting on a blue jacket - it’s her favourite - and heading out. He glances over at the peacefully sleeping Jonghyun and wonders why his life can’t be as simple as his is.

I’ll be there.

He doesn’t feel like taking his car. Besides, it’s only a walking distance away. He steps out into the darkness of the night, the sharp, taunting breezes sending a chill down his spine. Minho looks up at the sky, the stars are twinkling, the moon hiding behind the clouds.

Minho takes in a deep breath. You know how your life flashes before you before you die? Yeah, Minho’s getting it now. Except his so-called life is replaced by memories of him and Jieun, from the very first date to the one they last went on - a little over two weeks ago.

The first meeting - she is singing quietly to herself, the beauty of her voice echoing down the hall while he listens, unable to concentrate on his book as he sits on the bench just outside the school. They way their eyes meet each other’s, the look of surprise on her face, the look of enchantment in his… Magical, no doubt.

The first kiss - they are under a tree, on the campus at a school event (a picnic for the whole student body). He carefully laces his hand with hers, loving the way they fit perfectly together. Jieun’s gaze flickers from his fingers, to his well-defined arm muscles, to his broad shoulders, his neck, jawline, up to his eyes, nose, then lips. Minho thinks it’s the perfect moment (to be honest he’s been waiting for the right one) and leans over to kiss her. There are sparks, and this is no less magical than the first meeting.

The first fight - “Get out. Get out of my sight. I never want to see you again.” “Calm down, please, Jieun.” “Leave!” “But-” “Get the hell out or I really am breaking up with you.” His eyes stare right into hers, a look of indignation, before turning. But not quite yet, there is a flash - just a flash, less than a nano second’s worth - of hurt, that Jieun catches. Only when the door slams close does she sink against it, slumping on the ground in a collective heap, her tears beginning to stream down her face. Little does she know that right behind her, Minho’s heart feels like its been ripped out of him, just as painfully as hers is.

Along with so many others. With a few words these will all be gone forever. Of course, he’ll still have them in his mind, but it won’t be the same. It will never be the same again. And yet, Minho pushes himself forward, the street lights shining brightly on the dimly lit café both of them know and love. 

*

Jieun is waiting for him inside, her knees close to her chest, her arms around them. She has her low heels kicked off, on the ground, and she is wearing a plain white off-the-shoulder, along with a grey inner and denim shorts. Her hair is in a messy bun, some of it falling front, but all it does is highlight her beauty, even in plain clothes.

It starts to rain once Minho arrives, the clap of thunder shocking him as he pushes the door open, rain pouring down in sheets. Jieun chews on her lower lip. Even heaven is against this, it seems. For a moment, she hesitates to proceed with what she’s going to do, but that thought disappears as quickly as it came, vanishing into thin air.

What’s done must be done - and it cannot be delayed. If she doesn’t do it, it’ll only cause them both more pain and suffering. 

“Jieun,” Minho greets politely, his head bowing ever so slightly, a vast difference compared to how he would usually greet her, his arms draping around her thin waist… but this time the circumstances are different, and he knows this. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I’m sorry. I have been extremely busy lately,” she replies, her voice light but heavy at the same time. Light in tone, heavy in meaning. “Sit,” she continues, “I got coffee.”

He shakes his head, clearly disapproving of drinking coffee in the middle of the night, but slides in across her anyway, careful not to lay a finger on her. Minho begins to wonder whether even before this they were this distant. Somehow the atmosphere seems normal - and Minho has a feeling this isn’t exactly good. 

Jieun exhales loudly and sips her ice coffee, avoiding eye contact with him for a while. Minho just watches her, occasionally drinking his, but if he does, it’s in big gulps (just the way she remembered - or rather, will remember).

“So…”

He looks up, finally meeting her eyes. “So.”

“I’ve thought about this a lot… And I don’t want to beat around the bush about this. Minho, I’m breaking up with you.”

Jieun drops the bomb too quickly, and he nearly chokes on his drink, stopping himself just before he does. Went down the wrong throat, his eyes say, gesturing for her to continue, to explain and all, while he tries to cough discreetly into a napkin and dabbing at the side of his mouth while he’s at it.

And Jieun, if the situation isn’t this serious, would have giggled when she sees foam on the bottom of his lower lip. She feels like it’s going to be the last time she ever does this for him, leaning over and using her own napkin to wipe the area which he didn’t dab. It crosses her mind that maybe he did it on purpose, just to remind her of usbefore she actually breaks up with him.

But it’s over, and this gesture is simply that of a close friend’s.

“I just… We’re in college, Minho, I need to focus on my studies more. I need to give all my heart to music, since I’m training to become a professional singer. I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t have time for our relationship anymore.”

Minho feels tears pricking at the corner of his eyes. So it really is happening - she’s actually breaking up with him. He looks at her, vision blurred, but she looks perfectly fine with breaking up. She looks like there’s not a care in the world.

Is that what I am, then? Just a burden to you, your music, your studies? Our relationship? What is it worth, Jieun? Nothing? All this time, nothing?

“Okay.”

“Huh?”

“I said, okay. Sure. Yeah. If this is what’s best for us - I mean you, if this is what’s best for you… Then let’s break up.” He tries his best to seem unaffected, but both of them know, what’s more, his voice cracks at all the wrong places.

He gets up to leave, and unexpectedly, in a movement that even shocks herself, grabs his hand, her tiny fingers around his wrist. 

“I’m sorry,” she mumbles quietly, but he makes no sound, carefully slipping out of her grip and walking out of the café.

Jieun drops into her seat, taking deep breaths, repeating to herself like a mantra do not cry, do not cry, do not cry. You will not cry, idiot. Tries to convince herself but it doesn’t work.

The world shrinks, there is only her and Minho walking in the distance, in the dark. She’s never felt so alone in her entire life.

*

Weeks pass and she tries her best at attempting to juggle all her commitments. Occasionally she feels like throwing herself against the wall out of all the stress, and when this happens, she finds herself looking through her phone and clicking on Minho’s name, re-reading their past conversations.

Since the break-up, neither of them have said a word to each other, even when they pass each other on the campus. Post-break-up stage is no fun, she concludes, wishing this would all be over and she could return to turning to Minho for comfort. 

But she knows this can never happen, so she never lingers long while reading. Most of the time, this is due to her commitment demands - someone’s always looking for her, getting her to do this and that. And Minho has always been beside her, there for her. 

Now that he’s gone, nothing but music and studies make her feel occupied. Many nights she would be up in her bed, trying to sleep but unable to, just because she’s thinking about Minho.

She wonders if he misses her as much as she misses him. 

(Probably not.)

*

His life is nothing without her. He immerses himself in music, playing the one song that reminds him of her, everything that they’ve shared, wishing, hoping, praying that somehow she’ll come back to him, after she’s settled, but there’s not much prospect in that, since she’s going to be a professional singer soon. She’s so young - there is a world of opportunities. Who is he to stop her?

He wonders if she misses him as much as he misses her.

(Probably not.)

*

A blink of an eye and half a year flies by, just like that. Nothing changes between them. But that doesn’t mean they haven’t stopped thinking about each other. Jieun is about to debut soon, and Minho’s going to perform at the end of the year showcase. Jieun isn’t - she isn’t allowed to, to prevent straining her voice before the debut. 

Recently, after hearing rumors spreading all around the campus about Jieun becoming a professional solo singer, she’s spiked in popularity, more and more ‘friends’ start to surround her, trying to get closer to her so that they can be ‘talent-spotted’ too.

But as Minho predicts, Jieun stays the same. She knows these aren’t real friends, and stays away from the popularity zone as far as possible, stubbornly hanging out with her only few friends, that now do not include Minho. Her friends wonder about Minho, but don’t mention him for fear of angering - or upsetting - Jieun.

One of those days, Minho decides to break the ice between them again. He waits until she’s alone, then, as she walks home, appears beside her. 

“Oh… Hi Minho.”

“Hey,” he smiles a little, walking with his hands hanging awkwardly at his sides. Usually, he’d slip them into hers without hesitation, but it’s entirely inappropriate now. “I… Um… How are you?”

Jieun looks up from the ground, glancing at him furtively, then staring straight ahead again. “I’m fine. Tired.”

You should be tired. Look at those eye bags. You never got them when I was around. Have you been taking care of yourself? Have you been taking three full, proper meals a day? You’ve grown thinner - look at your face! It’s a v-shape now. Do they work you like this to the bone?

“You don’t look too good. Are you sick?”

“Maybe,” she croaks, then clearing and mentally cursing herself for not drinking enough water.

Minho laughs softly. “You don’t sound too good either. Better take care of yourself.”

“Thanks, Minho, a soon-to-debut singer hearing that. Thanks a whole lot, Minho-ah,” she rolls her eyes, muttering sarcastically, and then he laughs some more, and for a moment, he feels alive again. Maybe talking to her isn’t such a bad thing after all. 

Until the conversation lapses into silence. Utter silence, the only sound being their footsteps on the pavement. Minho knows they’re both beating around the bush. Making small talk like this isn’t getting them anywhere, and he sighs, loud enough for her to look up at him again. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers like she did before.

It feels like forever, a whole eternity until Minho speaks again, dropping his gaze onto her, their eyes meeting. He holds her gaze as his lips move, his voice cracking once more.

“Don’t be.” 

Nothing has changed - but this is the sad reality that he has to accept. (Reality hurts.)

*

Amidst the hundreds of students who show up at the showcase - it’s a huge event,everybody comes - Minho only looks for one person. His heart has only belonged to one person, and one person only. Ever since that talk with her, he realizes that as much as he tries, nothing will change. He just hopes that she’s here today. 

Their love is not meant to be. Focus on her studies she said. Give all her heart to music she said. Wouldn’t have time for a relationship she said. As Minho walks up to the piano, the bright spotlight shining on him, he makes a decision.

He takes one last look at the audience and he realizes that she is not there. He doesn’t feel her presence. But that decision does not change, his feelings do not waver.

Minho lays his fingers on the piano, the thundering applause coming to a stop. This song would be for her. After all, what is music, but an expression of your love?

*

Jieun stands on the stage, and glances at the clock. It is seven-thirty. Minho would be playing by now. She knows what song he is playing. Kiss the Rain, she thinks, without a doubt. Her fingers are around the microphone, she is looking at the audience with a confident gaze. 

Somehow, she wishes Minho is here, with every part of her being. And yet he knows this isn’t possible. Besides, this is a private performance only for those invited. Kind of like a rehearsal for her actual debut stage. 

She takes one last look at the audience, and submits to this fate. Their love is not meant to be. Her lips part, the air is cold and seemingly lonely without his presence. She makes a split-second decision, the only thing that seems right at the moment. 

This song would be for him. Because I love you, the words echo in her mind, and nothing can change this.