1/1

The February air is strict. Tao’s neatly combed strands get pulled on by the angry wind the moment he steps out of the house, and it remains a mess throughout the entire walk to school. Not only is the wind merciless, it is cold too –  an icy kind of dry, numbing all uncovered body parts. For winter weather, this is not unusual, especially since spring won’t bloom for another month, but it doesn’t stop Tao from getting irritated.

His uniform doesn’t contribute much to keeping his body warm, but Tao is too stubborn to admit that his mother was right about wearing his coat. She nags him every morning about his amount of clothing layers, and Tao, being the rebellious teenager he is, obviously fights against it with every fibre of his body. Now he regrets it, because the wind is slicing right through his jacket. He curses himself for being so intransigent this early in the morning.

When Tao arrives at the freezing main hall, his eyes directly fall on Jongdae. His friend is bundled up in a thickly wool-padded jacket, and although the outfit looks quite comical considering Jongdae is pretty tiny, Tao is envious. Jongdae looks as warm as Tao wants to be. When their eyes meet, Jongdae’s brow is already raised. 

“You’re gonna get hypothermia,” is the first thing that comes from Jongdae’s lips. Tao gives a nonchalant shrug, which causes a shake of the head on Jongdae’s part.

“Then I won’t have to go to school tomorrow,” Tao says, grinning.

“Yeah, but your mom will kill you.” Jongdae points out amusedly, sticking his hands in his pockets.

“Whatever.” Tao scoffs.

The walk to the biology classroom consists of Jongdae talking about some angel-like figure he talked with in the library yesterday. He tells Tao it must have been because he was wearing his lucky socks, you know, the one with the cacti. Tao agrees on that matter; those socks are the funkiest ones he’s seen so far. Jongdae keeps on rambling about the angel’s gentle everything until they walk into the classroom and Tao stops him.

“You’re gonna sit in class with a coat on?”

Jongdae looks at him blandly for a second or three before he frowns. “Tao… didn’t you check your mail? We’re having problems with the heaters. They aren’t working.”

Tao blinks a few times. “Are you for real?”

Jongdae chuckles, shaking his head. “I told you, you’re gonna get hypothermia.” A string of curses from Tao’s tongue have Jongdae slapping his friend’s back in sympathy. “Should’ve listened to your mother. You know they’re always right.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Tao waves him off, irritated. He shuffles to his desk with his body shaking from tip to toe, and a shiver courses through him when his bottom meets the cold wooden seat. Jongdae takes his respective place in the chair next to him. More students walk in wearing thick coats, all bundled up and warm. Tao feels bitter.

When teacher Kim makes his entrance, the talking slowly lowers to a hushed volume, but continues as he makes no move to start the lesson. After a short while, he seems to take notice of Tao, who is the only one not wrapped in a warm coat.

“Forgot your coat, Huang?” Teacher Kim teases, hands folded under his chin.

“Yeah,” Tao grumbles. He pushes his hands down in his jacket pockets angrily.

Getting the argument it’s too cold for biology as soon as he starts up the class, teacher Kim opposes with the retort you’re all here anyway, and starts taking attendance. Despite his earlier reasoning, the lesson is unenergetic, and after five minutes of trying to explain animal bones he gives up and lets the students work on their own.

Most of the class takes this as an okay to talk freely. Jongdae is one of those, too, and turns to Tao, who is still shivering like a newborn calf. “Why don’t you fix up a PE jacket,” he proposes.

“I’ll be fine.”

“I don’t know about that,” Jongdae says skeptically. “Besides, if you’re still gonna meet that guy I wouldn’t recommend being a burden to him.”

Tao’s cheeks take on a sweet shade of red. He’s crushing on that guy Jongdae mentioned. “It’s not like I’ll faint… the worst thing that could happen is getting a cold.”

“And sneezing all over him?” Jongdae raises a brow.

He receives a smack on the arm not a second later. “Shut up.”

“You’re gonna make a bad first impression,” Jongdae commentates before turning back to the front and flipping his phone out.

The crush doesn’t have a name—well, he’s certain the man has a name, Tao just doesn’t know it yet. That’s the problem. Tao only sees him around the park in the afternoons when he’s walking his dog. The man is handsome, that’s what he’s seen – always wearing a tightly pressed suit, too. There’s no doubt he is a businessman with the briefcase that always comes along, but he doesn’t look like much of a workaholic. Most of the time when he in the park, he’s having lunch by the duck pool, feeding them lettuce or taking a call.

Tao is much too of an awkward teenager to establish contact. He’s a high-schooler, too, and though Tao views himself as mature, he’s sure his crush, who is unquestionably an adult, doesn’t want to have anything to do with someone his age. Honestly, it is just a crush, but his feelings are so overwhelmingly strong and real that Tao decided to –stupidly– act on them. It was more of an impulse, and the carefully wrapped chocolates in the side pocket of his bag are evidence for it. Tao is regretting it by now, mostly because Jongdae has been teasing him for it for the past 2 days.

Tao ignores the crunching of the gift package when he takes out his biology books, but not a second later his lips let a sigh escape. Giving chocolates to a man he doesn’t know would be weird, right?

The remainder of the day is beyond boring. Tao manages to borrow a PE jacket from someone his size after contacting the nurse, who scolds him for his bad self-care. Jongdae keeps laughing at him in the background whenever someone commentates on his scarce outfit. His walk home is as expected – icily cold, and when comes home his mother gives him a lecture before preparing soup and giving him cold medicine. 

---

Around four o’clock, Candy begins to get restless, moving between his bed, the front door, and Tao’s legs, continuously begging for attention. Tao, who is immensely focused on his bag of chocolates, is still debating whether to give them or not. His original plan was to go right after school, but seeing as he was too anxious and cold at the time, he decided to give them later, when walking Candy. The little Maltese is impatient, knowing right now is the usual time they go out for a walk.

Tao is paying no attention to her behavior, but he still hears the padding of her feet going back and forth. It doesn’t really get to him until she starts whimpering and jumping up against his leg. He immediately gets up and scolds her. She looks at him with her irresistible puppy eyes and he sighs, not being able to resist a look like that. Candy starts swooping her tiny tail excitedly as Tao walks towards the hallway to retrieve her leash.

His mom must have heard, because she pokes her head in, “You’re gonna walk her now?”

“Yeah,” Tao answers.

“You better wear a coat now. It hasn’t gotten any warmer.” She tells him with a stern look, folding her arms as she watches Tao put the leash on an overly excited Candy. “Don’t catch a cold just because you’re stubborn, Tao. My boy is smarter than that.”

Annoyed with her worrying, Tao heaves a deep sigh, a crease forming on his forehead. “Yes, mom.”

She doesn’t look convinced and mutters something under her breath before walking back into the living room. Tao gets up from where he’s crouched after petting Candy on her soft white head. His eyes fall to the small window in the door, to the rain outside, and his mind flashes to his crush standing by the duck pool with a pack of lettuce and a smile. A blush burns on his cheeks, and Tao thinks about getting that smile directed at him. His heart starts beating faster at the thought of it.

Another impulse takes control of him. He rushes up the stairs, throws the door open, and pauses before heading over to his desk. His heart tells him to take them along just in case, but his brain tells him he hasn’t got the courage. A moment of hesitance and pondering. Tao takes a deep breath but his heart wins. The chocolates are slipped into his pocket, packet crumpling when he zips the space up. He hurries back down and grabs the leash of a confused Candy, who then turns excited. Nearly leaving the door open on his way out, Tao is filled with determination.

His mother storms out angrily when he’s just passed the front gate, “Huang Zi Tao!” She yells in a frightening voice. “Get back here and wear your coat! I’m not taking care of you when you get sick!” Tao ignores his mother, speeding over the big road to avoid getting caught up to.

Short-legged Candy has a hard time keeping her place next to Tao’s long legs, but Tao has no intention of slowing down. The crunching of the wrapping paper reminds him why he’s aching to get to the park as fast as possible. His actions are improvident because there is no room in Tao’s mind to think about the consequences – only the sunshine smile is able to get through the thick wall of impulse.

Three blocks later and Tao is completely out of breath. The park is across the street, within reach, which causes Tao’s heart to beat even more quickly. Nervousness sets in, but Tao can’t help but smile as he imagines interacting with his crush, seeing him up close instead of eyeing him from the tree where Candy pees. The traffic lights turn green, and Tao nearly skips across, suddenly filled with so much positive energy he can’t control his actions. He has always been one to act on emotions rather than the logical.

About a metre or three into the park, Tao unleashes Candy, who happily hops over to the first tree in sight. The path under Tao’s feet is circulated, following it will lead one back to their starting point. After Candy finishes her business, Tao calls her name and they move forward, closing in on the duck pond. It is located behind the big rhododendron bush, and the beating of his heart really starts getting out of control when he’s close to passing it.

Holding Candy in the corner of his eye, Tao moves past the shrubbery.

The bench is empty. The ducks are not flocking together for some lettuce and the water lies still. A harsh wind picks up, shearing through Tao’s clothes, making him shiver violently. Disappointment settles in, turning his previously happy thoughts into a downwards spiral of discouragement. Tao swallows and tries to be positive, because maybe traffic is bad or maybe he’s buying lettuce for the ducks, and so he settles for sitting nearby.

Candy comes running over to him and tilts her small head to the side, to which Tao crouches down pats her head. “We’re going to wait for a little while, baby Candy.” He tells her despite knowing she won’t be able to understand. “Not for too long, of course. Just for a little while.”

Tao clenches Candy’s leash tight as the wind sends another sharp gust. Fifteen minutes. He’ll wait fifteen minutes, then he’s going home.

In those fifteen minutes, a lot of things happen. Candy runs off to the duck pond to play around with another dog and to clench her thirst afterwards. The grey sky begins to cry, thick drops coloring the earth dark. Tao moves under a tree, but the weather isn’t merciful today – he gets soaked to the bone. Candy returns swiftly, her paws brown from the mud and fur sopping against her tiny body. When she starts whining Tao shuts her up with a biscuit, repeating the process a total of four times over the remaining minutes. More things happen, like the ducks moving to shelter and people retreating from the park in a haste to escape the rain, but one thing doesn’t happen. The bench is now not only empty, but wet too.

Tao sighs, but he does not make a single move towards home.

---

Defeat keeps Tao in his bed the next morning. His mother comes storming in minutes after eight, beyond furious. She rips the blankets off his body in a fit of rage, thick voice booming through the room as she begins scolding him. Tao shields his eyes from the light, but his mother reaches for his arm and makes him face her anger.

“You better have a really good reason to still be in bed!”

He doesn’t. Neither does he for his pathetic act at the park yesterday. He manages to get his arm released, but her rough hands are still fresh on his flesh, and it puts him in a position where he feels the need to stand up for himself. “Just leave me alone!” He yells out hoarsely.

His mother, though slightly surprised, is quick to make ends of his rebellious outbreak. “I won’t until you tell me why you aren’t in uniform right now.” She crosses her arms in expectancy.

Tao’s face doesn’t say it, but his insides are raging with emotions. It’s mostly negative – the anger and disappointment are powerful after yesterday’s events.

This kind of love is new. Tao doesn’t like how it’s messing with his feelings and actions. Its heavy influence scares him, because it’s the kind of force he doesn’t know how to stop despite it being within himself. All these dumb things he’s done since he’s developed this crush are only understandable from his heart, where it doesn’t matter he doesn’t know a thing about the man. It throbs. How could his mother understand his reasons if he barely can?

Tears prick at his eyes as frustration takes over.

“I feel ill,” he tells her without sparing a glance.

After a silence comes a sigh, and a palm presses at his forehead. “You do feel warm,” she says softly. Another sigh falls from her lips. “You shouldn’t have stayed out so late yesterday, Zi Tao. It was raining, nearly after dark and–- what were you thinking? You weren’t wearing your coat either – do you want to get sick or something?”

Tao seals his lips with a set of teeth digging into the lower lip.

His mother rubs between her eyes in distress, setting one hand on her hip. “You can stay home for today,” she tells him with a pointing finger, “but I want to know what’s going on later. I know you’re going through your teenager years and I’m probably the worst person in the world right now, but I’m still your mom and I deserve to know what’s wrong with my son.”

Tao notices his mother waiting for his reply, and a yes stumbles out before he grabs his sheets and turns around in bed. He listens to her feet padding out of the room and down the stairs, hears the faint sound of the phone being clicked off the holder, and her muffled voice talking into the receiver. She knows he isn’t sick but Tao is happy she plays along.

The moment the phone is back in the holder, Tao violently twists in the sheets and pulls them over his head. He knows why he stayed out for far too long yesterday. His stupid crush kept him waiting in that rain, even though he and Candy were soaking wet and the chocolates were far from edible after sharing the heat with Tao’s hand in his pocket. Tao lets an arm fall over his eyes. If his crush would have been there, he wouldn’t have been courageous enough to hand them over anyway. He knew that – and yet he stood in the rain for nearly two hours, expecting something that would never happen. 

Tao sniffles. It’s hard living under the control of emotions.

---

“So how did it go with that guy?” Jongdae asks Tao when he’s back from his two-day absence.

Tao, who is busy unloading his chemistry books, pauses. “Oh, uh,” he stammers before returning to his previous actions. “He didn’t show up.”

“And you got so heartbroken you didn’t go to school for two days?”

“As if,” Tao replies, scoffing.

Heartbroken would be the wrong wording. There was no confession, thus no heart to break. It was self-inflicted disappointment – expecting everything from nothing.

The remainder of the day is grim, an unkind gray in the winter sky along with air so humid and cold today doesn’t feel worth living. Drops of water do not glisten on a sunless day – the beauty of rain has disappeared with the appearance of dark clouds. The depressing sky is shut away with a curtain when Tao comes home, but its presence is known again when Tao takes Candy out.

A day like this is a regular occurrence in these months, and normally it wouldn’t have bothered Tao as much, but with the concealed confusion that resides in Tao’s chest it really brings him down. It doesn’t help that his feet bring him to stand by the place he stood the last time he was in this park – where he can see the bench and the duck pond. It’s not raining this time, but the spot is empty, like Tao’s insides, and he is quick to take Candy back home.

The sadness is strange, new, and powerful too, and Tao doesn’t know what he could possibly do to end this sorrow clouding his heart. Nothing is clear, but he can still recognize the strongest feelings guiding him. He doesn’t know why he is so sad about something that would only have a miniscule chance of happening, he doesn’t know why he keeps expecting the stranger to appear every time he walks Candy to the park, he doesn’t know why he keeps lashing out to his mother when all she’s done is try to understand him. One thing is for sure, however, and that is those dark clouds need to waft off before he does something regretful.

It’s bafflingly hard to let go of his habit of making up reasons as to why the man doesn’t show up. Maybe he’s on a business trip, maybe he’s ill, maybe he and Tao just have bad luck meeting again, maybe he works overtime now, maybe— not once does Tao’s mind go: maybe there’s no excuse and waiting for him is just false hope. Far, far away in his mind it is there, a likely truth that he might have to accept, but for now, he walks to the spot by the tree and back, his way home being nothing but another disappointment.

The weather is starting to clean up – making way for spring breezes. It is the second day of March, but the sky is clear and the sun is out, a lively day despite the low temperature. Tao’s mood is lifting from its slump as Candy’s little paws hop happily through the vibrant green grass, tail wagging when walking over to another dog, who is as excited to see her as she is. Tao admits it’s hard to give this day to negative emotions, so he lets out a relieving sigh, holds his head high, and doesn’t fight the smile pulling at his lips.

For the first time since February 14^th, Tao doesn’t make his way to the pond the moment he gets to the park. He lets Candy play with the other dogs and relishes in the soft wind – a gentle caress across his cheeks and through his hair, a tender bristle for the leaves and a fresh blanket of air for the dogs scuttling across the park. If it wasn’t for the cool temperature, one would say it is a spring day.

Just as his eye catches a bed of narcissuses, a pained yip comes from the direction of a group of playing dogs. Tao turns to scene at instant, seeing Candy nipping at a young Chow Chow who has its tail between its legs. It’s trying to get away from Candy’s jaw, fear present in every move of its body. Candy is a rough player, her dominance is scaring the poor thing, so Tao wastes no time grabbing her leash and dashing over to her.

“Bad girl!” He scolds in a deep voice when he’s got her by her neck. After a few more snarls, she calms down, her ears and eyes focusing on something other than the poor Chow Chow. Tao reaches into his pocket to retrieve a treat for the upset Chow Chow, but when he looks up it has already scurried away, off to play with a nicer dog. His eye falls on Candy, who’s looking up at the treat between his fingers in want, and he sighs. “No, Candy, you were mean to that dog. No treat for you.”

Tao takes Candy away from the playing dogs to a more secluded area along the path. Now that he doesn’t have to watch over Candy any more, Tao whips out his phone to answer that text Jongdae sent him earlier. It’s barely readable with the sun shining straight on the device, and even turning the screen to its brightest doesn’t do much. Slowly, the text becomes more readable, and it doesn’t take long for Tao to realize the sun has gone hiding. When he looks up, a dark cloud has put itself in front of the sun. A big group of darker clouds follows and behind them is a depressingly gray sky.

Tao hopes it won’t rain and goes back to texting while walking Candy through the park. The wind that was but a breeze before starts tugging on the trees and on Tao, messing up his hair and his clothes. Becoming sharper and sharper, now drops of rain come along with the gusting, splashing on his skin. At first, the rain is light, even under the control of a strong wind, but then the drops become fuller and heavier, splattering down audibly. In fear of losing his phone to water damage, Tao rushes to the nearest tree to finish the text.

People rush by, and Candy yaps at each and every one of them, but Tao doesn’t make the time to tell her not to as he wants to get this text out as soon as he can manage. Just as he finishes and wants to put his phone away, safe into his pocket, Jongdae sends a reply. Groaning, Tao starts composing a response, but Candy becomes restless again, growling low in while pulling on the leash.

“Candy, stop that!”

Candy ignores his orders, continuing her focused barking. Tao guesses it would be easier to teach Candy a lesson if he had both hands on the leash, so he moves to tuck his phone away. While doing so, however, Candy chooses to pull the leash with extra strength – and Tao, who stands unstable as he tries to slip his phone in his uniform slacks’ pocket, gets pulled along, losing his full balance causing him to tumble into the muddy earth.

The first thing he lays his eyes on when he looks up is Candy’s tail wagging. It appears her object of interest has come forth, and once Tao takes a split second to see, it’s like breath is beaten out of his lungs.

A hand, followed by a wrist adorned with an expensive watch and cufflinks, an arm clad in the sleeve of a business suit.

“Are you alright?” The man’s voice is breathy when the words pass past his pink lips, and the sound of rain couldn’t be less inaudible.

---

His name is Joonmyun. That’s what he says after offering up to take Tao to a café to warm up, his treat. The café is nearly empty, save for two individuals tapping away on their laptops. Tao has his hands clasped together as he waits for Joonmyun to get their drinks. His eyes are stuck on Joonmyun’s backside. Just earlier, he took his jacket off and left it to dry on the heater, and the slim fit of his dress shirt is something new.

Tao drags his fingers through his wet hair before looking away, flustered. It’s unreal. Not only has he seen his crush again, he’s found out his name, been helped by him and talked to him! It really couldn’t be crazier, but it’s not even the end of their interactions. He’s about to share a drink with him and they’ll probably talk some more, too. Tao lays his cheek on his palm, peeking at Joonmyun again.

Joonmyun arrives with two tea glasses, both steaming from the heat. After sitting down, he pushes the mint tea to Tao, who accepts it with a shy murmur. Joonmyun adds but a pinch of sugar to his tea, so little it will probably not make a difference, but he seems delighted after doing so, and Tao immediately imagines making tea for him and knowing the correct amount of sugar. Apparently noticing Tao’s eyes on him, Joonmyun looks up smiling.

“Feeling warmer?”

“Yes, thank you.” Tao nearly whispers. “You really didn’t have to do this…”

“It’s fine.” Joonmyun tells him with a dismissing wave of the hand. “I felt like it was somewhat my fault and to leave you in the soaking rain after falling like that would be wrong.”

Tao blushes, flustered over Joonmyun’s moral decision and admittance. “I-I suppose.”

A silence falls over them – and it is an awkward one as the background is nearly quiet. While Joonmyun sips his tea, Tao looks down at his lap, hating himself for not being able to hold a small conversation. Not a single topic jumps to mind and although he truly wants to know what kind of job Joonmyun has or how old he is, Tao thinks it would be inappropriate to ask.

“Is your dog always like that?” Joonmyun asks out of the blue.

“N-not always,” Tao answers. Another silence threatens to appear, but this time Tao actually knows how to prevent it. “She was being mean to another dog earlier so I leashed her, which I rarely do inside the park, and… I don’t know… she just starts barking to people who run by. It’s one of her unexplainable habits, I suppose.” He finishes his words with a chuckle, and it appears to draw one from Joonmyun’s throat too.

“What’s her name, if I may ask?”

“C-Candy,” Tao answers, slightly embarrassed.

“How cute,” Joonmyun commentates before bending down under the table to pet Candy on her head. Candy’s tail sweeps from side to side out of excitement when Joonmyun gives her attention, and it appears she cannot resist lapping her tongue over his hand. “Oh? Are you that happy to see me, little Candy?”

“You can give her a cookie, i-if you want.” Tao suggests, retrieving a small kibble from his blazer pocket.

Joonmyun takes it from Tao’s hand, and their skin touches for less than a millisecond, but Tao’s entire body heats up, goosebumps rise and he already knows the touch of Joonmyun’s fingers will feel as fresh tonight as it does now. Once again, Tao is defenceless against his emotions. He takes his hand under the table and glides his fingers over the spot Joonmyun touched, cheeks reddened.

After giving Candy the kibble, Joonmyun notices her attention is completely devoted to the cookie, so he wants to get back to conversing with Tao, only Tao is focused on his lap, shying away. Joonmyun clears his throat, waiting for Tao to look at him before he goes on.

“So…” he starts. “Are you still in high school?”

“Y-yes, I’m in my second year.”

“So you’re sixteen?”

“Seventeen in two months...” Tao mumbles.

“Wow, you make me feel old!” Joonmyun laughs softly at that and Tao does too, but his chuckle is uncomfortable.

The one subject he wanted to avoid; his age. If it wasn’t obvious by his school uniform, Joonmyun now knows Tao is in high school. That’s the problem. A high schooler is a kid in the eyes of a working adult, a kid that doesn’t understand anything about adult problems and adult feelings – or the adult world for that matter. Tao doubts that Joonmyun would take him seriously if he was to confess.

A restrained smile holds Tao’s lips tight for the rest of the conversation. The filter of love has worn out and the bitterness has set in. Of course Joonmyun will never look at him the way he desires, he knows that – the bitterness comes from being unable to let go. He fears that won’t be as easy.

---

It turns out not thinking about the negative is a lot easier as Joonmyun’s smile is still fresh in his mind. His chest feels light. When skipping through the front door, his mother asks what’s gotten him so happy, but gets no response apart from a smile. Tao takes Candy into his arms and carries her upstairs, plopping on the bed with a squeal.

Joonmyun had insisted Tao stays until the weather cleared up, enhanced him with that sunshine smile, causing Tao to drop right back into his seat. He had also offered Tao another drink and a slice of cake, not taking no for an answer. Until the sky stopped releasing tears, Joonmyun gave his full attention to Tao and Candy – no distractions from his phone, his laptop remaining in its case, respecting the responsibility he took upon himself.

Truly uplifting after such a depressing train of thought. This feeling of being cared for sent Tao’s insides fluttering, caused his cheeks to burn, and made him feel a new sort of happiness –  but most of all: left him wanting more. More of Joonmyun’s gentle expression, more of his empathetic intentions, more of his caring… more of his everything.

It’s bad. Tao wants to see him again.

“Tao,” Jongdae calls during Biology. Tao looks up from the schoolwork he pretends to do, raising his eyebrows in question. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Tao shrugs. “What’s up?”

“You know Valentine’s was like a month ago, right?” After Tao nods, Jongdae his lips and continues. “I sort of… got a present from this senior Luhan.”

“Really now?” Jongdae bobs his head sheepishly, a slight blush teasing his cheeks. “And you didn’t tell me?”

“That doesn’t matter,” Jongdae says, waving his hand. Tao gives him a look, but it is ignored as Jongdae continues his talk. “I was thinking… maybe I should give him something back? Like a bear or flowers or something.”

“Well… I don’t know… are you dating yet?”

“We’ve been on two dates,” Jongdae answers proudly.

Tao scratches the back of his head, “It seems weird to just suddenly give him a gift… I mean if you’re only dating it might be awkward.”

“But it’s for White Day! That’s not weird.”

“White Day?”

“Don’t you remember? It’s this Monday, March 14^th! Aren’t you going to give that old man chocolates?”

“He’s not that old…” Tao slowly falls silent as Jongdae keeps on babbling.

White Day. A month after Valentine’s Day, the day to return gifts as acceptance for the confession on Valentine’s. This is his chance. Maybe Valentine’s Day just wasn’t meant to be.

Then, Tao starts to think again. Should he really hold on to the crush who has been terrorizing his feelings for way too long? Does he really want to face another disappointment if Joonmyun fails to turn up again? Tao’s mind protests against doing so. Putting that much effort in something that is bound to repeat seems to be pointless.

Yet, Tao’s heart disagrees. Not that it’s surprising, his mind and heart haven’t been on one line for a long time now. However, this time Tao considers following the most logical path, which he hasn’t done since Joonmyun started controlling his thoughts. It is for a split second only, though, that he thinks maybe following his line of thoughts might be the better option. That split second may be the first step to moving on, but the heart still wins, which is why he is now in the grocery store, looking for a different cocoa butter than he used last time.

This time he will not let the chocolates melt, he will not let the plastic crumble, and he will definitely not wait for far too long.

---

Tao is convinced luck is on his side.

Everything about today feels like a real spring day. The crocuses are blooming bright, birds chirping to one another, the sun is out, and the clouds are white and small. Candy slept in the sun before they went out, lying spread out in her bed before Tao grabbed the leash causing her to jump from her comfortable spot, ecstatic to be able to play in the sun.

The chocolates turned out really well, contributing to Tao’s already cheerful mood. Not only do they look more edible and appear to gleam, they taste a lot better too, not too hard on the teeth and absolutely blissful on the tongue. Obviously, Tao had tested one or two –maybe three– and he is 100% sure Joonmyun will like them.

The walk to the park is exciting in a good way. His heart is beating faster the closer he gets, mind set on nothing but reaching his destination.

Thankfully, Candy doesn’t start yapping at other dogs or any annoying things in general, so no time is wasted before Tao can get to the designated area.

The bench is unoccupied, which truly isn’t surprising. Normally, Tao would walk Candy around 4 o’clock, but it’s half past three for a change. Tao had been so eager he left for the park nearly immediately after coming home from school. By now it’s a quarter to four. Tao has decided he will wait for no longer than half an hour, and seeing as Joonmyun isn’t here yet, he’s going to make good use of that time and throw some sticks for his happy Candy.

A few metres away, a child and her father are feeding the ducks, all of the birds flocked around their feet to get a bite of the lettuce crop the child holds in her hand. The rest of the pond is empty, which Tao uses to his advantage. Candy absolutely loves playing in water, and luckily the pond is pretty shallow, so Tao flings a stick without worry.

Candy isn’t good at fetch. She runs after the stick and retrieves it, but she fails to bring it back. Thus, Tao spends some time running after, which he knows she likes. She’s a bit of a naughty dog, but Tao loves her little mannerisms anyway.

After exhausting Candy with intensive playtime, Tao slumps down on the bench and pats the space next to him. Candy jumps up with the last of her energy, lays her head on Tao’s thigh and closes her eyes, dozing off. In all honesty, Tao feels tired too. Running after a tiny dog is a lot more tiring than it looks. When Tao checks his phone, it’s a few minutes past four, and when looking around Joonmyun isn’t anywhere in sight either. A small sense of worry starts to itch, but Tao closes his eyes to enjoy the sun, saving the doubts for later.

At ten past four, Tao is staring at the digital numbers displaying the time. His lips are pulled into a fine line as the ten blinks into an eleven and his text to Jongdae remains unanswered. Waiting is pure agony. He thinks he should just spend the remaining time playing with Candy some more now that he’s calmed down from their earlier antics, but she is sleeping soundly and waking her up for his own benefit would be cruel.

Fifteen past. He should leash Candy and leave.

No movements are made, again. Five more minutes? No. He needs to go. He’s not going to sit here again for God knows how long, waiting for someone who is not going to show up. He could tell himself he’s sitting here to enjoy the weather or to let his dog rest, but everything inside of him knows that will be a lie, and his mind protests against the idea. Is he finally gaining some sanity?

Despite his rational thoughts, Tao stays exactly where he is, mind and heart fighting like a married couple.

A cloud moves over the sun, removing the warm sunrays and Tao is suddenly enlightened. With a sigh, he gently wakes Candy and leashes her, smiling when she blinks sleepily before jumping off the bench. While getting up, the plastic wrapping on the chocolate crackles in his jacket pocket, a bitter reminder, and Tao pauses for a second – thinking about his wasted effort. Another sigh is heaved, but this time he really leaves the bench behind, not looking back.

Zipping his pocket open, Tao takes the chocolates out, gazing at their perfect state. There’s disappointment in his heart again, hollowing out his insides to a state of numbness.

Then, suddenly, as if the heavens called upon it, his name is shouted. When he turns around, he swears his heart is stopping – because there is Joonmyun, tight in his business suit, waving at him while he sprints forward. Realizing the situation, Tao shoves the chocolates back into his pocket.

He greets little Candy first. “Hello baby girl! Did you have a good walk with your owner? Aww, are you that happy to see me?” Tao watches, breathlessly, as Joonmyun is crouched down by his dog, her wet fur and accepting her persistent . His hands are shaking the moment Joonmyun stands straight on his legs again, facing Tao as far as his height allows him to. “Hi, Tao! How are you?”

“I-I’m fine, thank you.” Tao answers, blushing.

“Good weather today, huh?”

“Y-yeah.”

An inevitable silence falls over them. Tao’s hand is still in his pocket, wrapped around the chocolates, as if he’s going to pull them out any second. Joonmyun isn’t looking at him anymore, he’s facing the sun, eyes closed as he basks in the warm sunrays. Tao’s eyes are glued to his fair skin, his dark, long lashes, the nape of his neck disappearing into his suit. His expression is gentle, never has Tao seen a hard edge in sight. His heart rate is picking up and he clutches the chocolates in his palm tighter.

“Joonmyun…” He whispers. Joonmyun turns back to him at the sound of his name, eyebrows raised in interest. Tao takes the chocolates out with slight hesitation before presenting them to Joonmyun. “Th-these are for you,” he says as Joonmyun takes them.

“For me?” Joonmyun questions.

Tao nods. “Yes. F-for White Day.”

Joonmyun’s eyebrows turn into a frown. Not necessarily in a negative way, not like he’s not accepting of the gift, but in confusion, as if he doesn’t understand what the meaning of this is.

Just as Tao sees Joonmyun opening his mouth to talk, or maybe ask, he speaks. “I really have to go now,” he says nervously, afraid Joonmyun will see through his lie. It’s half true, though, because Tao doesn’t really need to hear the reply, neither does he want to explain, he really just wants to leave and just live in the happiness of knowing he got his feelings off his chest. “B-bye.”

He nearly sprints off. One last glimpse of Joonmyun, who is still standing there, flabbergasted, and Tao is gone, duck pond and bench out of sight, his heart still beating fast. His body is satisfied; mind and heart at peace. Tao can finally break out in a smile.

It wasn’t about getting a yes or no. It wasn’t about dating Joonmyun or being miserable over a rejection. Tao realizes it wasn’t about the consequences or Joonmyun’s side of the story. It was about the conflict inside of him, the power of his heart over the power of his mind, how the feelings dominated and kept him in their will, how the solution was satisfying them instead of keeping them locked up, and how sometimes following the mind is right and sometimes following the heart is right.

Nobody is home when he steps through the front door, but Tao still wants to be alone, so he escapes to the privacy of his room, kicking his shoes off before jumping on his bed, limbs spread over the mattress. The blush is still prominent over his cheeks, smile still as wide, but this time he lets himself sigh in satisfaction, relief visible in every inch of his body.

He stares at his ceiling for a long time, until Candy comes padding into the room. She jumps on the bed and Tao lets her, taking her soft body into his arms and pulling her close.

“Lovely day, huh Candy?” No reply comes. Candy is fast asleep.

---

A/N: wow what a ride!!! hope you all enjoyed it!!
i was set on finishing this at the beginning of this week but two people resigned unexpectantly at work so i had to take over all their shifts!! but its ok i got a lot of money now.
Big thank you to my darling A for the awesome prompt, and to my darling saharah for being the best beta i could possibly ask for!!! love u both!!!
also a sorry to A for writing your perfect prompt with one of your notps :C hope you were able to read through it i love u!!!

Please leave comments they mean a lot to me!!!!<3

i hope made a good addition to the sutao collection and certainly i hope you guys will remember this fic!!!

love yall thank you for reading and please comment bye<3!!!!