Today is Christmas, people are going in and going out of the bar. Chatting, laughing, kissing, hugging. Everyone is happy, expect me and some other guy who is sitting alone in the corner. My ears hurts from sounds around me, but it seems that I can’t move. Y’know that weird feeling, like everything is moving fast forward and you just not there? Not in that moment, not with them. It seems that If I move and go there everything would stop and…. And I don’t know… Disappear? Fade away?

The guy drinks some transpiring liquid in one shot. I follow his example. The fluid cause my throat burn, the pain is just for second then come the pleasure. Is this third bottle? Or fourth? 

Somebody pours me some more. My body is at its limit, but I’m masochist so I drink up and enjoy the pain. From my eye corner I see red roses, I slightly turn my head to see it clearly.

Beautiful. Red as blood, and like her hair. Instant pain crosses my heart stopping me from breathing.  It hurts so much that I start hitting, with my arm, that place where my heart  is.

The guy looks at me, his eyes scans me up and down… up and down.. He makes some weird noise and mutters something, then drinks his liquid and laughs. Does he know that I’m watching every move he makes? Or is it that he’s laughing at my misery?

I drink my alcohol again. The pain is still here. Why can’t I remove it? 

I take my phone from pocket and start dialing the name of person I want to call. My hand stops when I see her number and the photo of her pops out in my phone.

 I’m afraid. Afraid to call her. And this weakness sickens me, I’m ashamed of myself.

 I stare at her photo and drink again.

I push the green button and slowly lift the phone. Two beeps and I hear her voice.

“Hello” her voice sounds worried. Is everything okay? Are you hurt? That’s what I want to ask, but I stay silent. And repeat her words again and again, they are like my own melody, her voice is like a song.  I stay silent trying to keep her voice in me, trying to record it somehow.

“Hello” her voice is now panicking. Does she know it’s me? I ask myself. My mouth starts to open so I can say something, but my voice is stuck somewhere in some hole all I make is sound of pain. “Is that you?” Who is ‘you’? Is it me? Is it someone else? Is it him? My mind makes questions.

I drink again.

“Yes” my deep voice sounds in my ears, and in other line I hear silence.

“Are you drunk?” she is mad. And I can’t stop myself. I laugh. First time in a what? Week ?  Month? But even to my own ears that laugh feels broken.

There is silence again, my mind starts to analyze her words. Am I drunk? I ask myself.

 Sadly I don’t know the answer, how should I know? I know that I drank a lot. But am I drunk?

“Look, I know it’s painful, but you have to move on okay?” My mind is blank.

“ him.” I say. First time saying what I want to say. “I know you’re still thinking about me so why can’t you give me a chance?” I hear her laughing, her pathetic laugh rings through my ears. It isn’t my melody anymore it’s his.

“Are you serous now?” her rhetorical questions stabs my heart. “I thought I cleared up everything for you.”

Another stab.

“It’s him. It always was”

Another stab and I feel like chocking.

“I love him” those simple three words that tears my heart in peace’s.

“Why?” I say, chocking on my own words.

 I feel tears building up and I feel pathetic.

The guy stares again, he is checking me. Am I alive or dying from agony.

His eyes are teary.

I see agony in them.

 I don’t like him.

 I want to scream at him ‘look away’, but I know he wouldn’t even if he can.

She says something. I missed.

Missed what she said.

Funny, it’s a first time. 

But she is saying something again, but it’s like music without words, you can imagine them but you can’t hear them.

Have my mind lost filter of it?

“You deserve more than him” I say to her.

She stops.

 I know what’s coming but still I turn volume up so I can heart it more clearly.

“So you mean yourself huh?” her arrogant voice, that voice that I didn’t like.Again my filter tuned off all I hear is screaming, curses and the voice I hate.

 I feel like I’m going insane, staring at that guy eyes I feel like mad man. 

“Is he there?” my voice echoes in my brains. And her first no calms my heart.

“Why does it have to be so painful?” I mutter to myself. But I guess she heard it, because she starts saying something so not important that it breaks me more.

 I push red button on my phone, and lay it on the table.

I look at that guy;  his tears are now streaming his face.

And he smiles to me.

I raise my hand to wave it, he follows my lead.

 I stare and stare, and he stares and stares, isn’t that what mirrors supposed to do?