It’s always the little things that trigger it. Little remembrances from our past. This time it was because I passed the pizza parlor we used to frequent back when we were trainees. This was the place where we first ate outside together, just us two. I remember the grin you had when I told you I was treating you out because you learnt the steps the fastest that day. We both knew that it was an excuse though, a flimsy one that allowed me to finally show you that I’ve come to accept you fully as a member of our team now and as a way of saying sorry for the months I’ve ignored you. That was also the time we first traded stories about our past, exchanged teases and started getting more and more comfortable towards each other. That was the start of our friendship. That was the start of everything now that I think about it. So could you blame me if the first thing I thought of was you when I passed that place?

I tell my driver to stop the car and I hurriedly get out. On my way in, I get my phone out from my pocket, and text you: “I’m going to your house right this minute”. My heart speeds up in anticipation as I blankly stare at my phone, waiting for your reply. Part of me hopes you’ll say no, so I can stick with my life as it is right now. But the larger part of me wants to say yes because it misses you and wants to hold you close.

My phone beeps and I feel both elated and nauseated when I read your single reply: “Okay”.

I hurriedly go back to my car, hoping that nobody recognized me. Apparently nobody did as I heard no screaming nor seen any flashes of light. Oh well, if somebody did, it would be in the papers tomorrow and I would know anyway. The YG staff would be able to handle it as it wasn’t scandalous to buy pizza.  If they knew where I was going though, now that would be a scandal.

As the car pulls away, I try to calm down the surge of happiness and excitement at the thought of seeing you again. Of course I see you when we’re working together, but with everyone’s eyes watching our every movement, ensuring that we’re never left alone, it still feels like you’re not really there. And these stolen moments of ours, though they leave me distraught at its end, are moments that I will never trade for anything else. They get me through my dreary life now, the life after us.

I remember the days after our break up when I felt like I should just give up on the world. I remember thinking that my pride was the only thing I had left, and how I wish I could turn back time and redo everything. But my pride has always protected me from the world. I don’t know if I can really let go of it. It has always been my security blanket, and I’d felt lost and without it. But you’ve always been prideful too. And that’s why we ended up being the worst for each other.

I will always admit I did the first mistake though. A drunken night out with people whom I thought I could trust resulted in me bringing someone home. The fact that I honestly thought it was you was, of course, not enough to let me off the hook. I broke your trust and I was willing to work hard to regain it. But then you went out of your way to cheat on me too to make things even. And though it logically made sense, emotionally it did me in and broke me too. From then on, the fights started getting more and more nasty, and little arguments spiralled into full-blown hurtfests. I always tried my best to hurt you in any way possible, and you were also effective in making your words wound me deeply. I guess that was the downside of knowing each other so well.

We fought and we fought and we thought we hid it well. It wasn’t until the day our friends sat us down and told us we needed to break up that it dawned to me that everyone knew our troubles and it wasn’t just us who were affected by the breakdown in our relationship. The more we fought, the more reason we wanted to win the next fight, the harder we argued, the more we hurt each other and apparently everyone around us. And it would have been a never-ending yet worsening cycle. They were right, we had to break up. As a leader I know I needed to do the right thing. As somebody who loved you despite it all, I wanted to crumble and fall.

My reverie stops when my driver tells me we’ve reached your place. I stare at him, wanting to ask if I was doing the right thing. It would have been useless anyway. I knew this was the wrong thing to do. I always do it though. When being without you gets too much.

I walk to the place I once called home. Everything’s familiar yet it feels different because everything’s been tinged with a touch of gray, covering the vibrant colors it once used to have.

I knock on your door, praying and hoping that you’ll answer it. I can hear you shuffling as you get nearer and nearer. I school my features into a grin, ensuring you won’t see through my act.

You open the door, all sweaty and panting and I figured out the pieces almost immediately. You must have cleaned up your place for me. You used to always leave your things lying around your room until I nagged you into cleaning it. I’m touched that you would make an effort for me, but I can’t show you. It would be a weakness. Yet you’re entire being is already my weakness anyway, but I don’t want to give you more advantages over me. So I just grin and bring up the pizza to your eye-level and say: “Hey Ri. I bought us some pizza”.

I wanted to see if you’ve caught up with the fact that the pizza came from that special place, so I hurriedly go into your kitchen and prepare everything. My familiarity with your place, and the fact that you haven’t changed the placement of the utensils, made it an easy job for me. It was so easy that I felt like I could even pretend that I still lived here and we were still together. Pretend being the key word.

I set the pizza box in the position where its name would be the clearest, and I eagerly await for your reaction. However, you’re still by the door, seemingly lost in your own thoughts. I try to keep my disappointment at bay as I beckon you to come to me. You do, and I keep an eye on your line of sight, hoping that you’ll see and understand the pizza’s connection to our past, but your eyes never seem to land on it. Instead you’re looking at everywhere and everything than where I am.

As you reach me, I smile at you and offer you a pizza. “Eat up”, I say, to dispel the silence. I still hope that you’ll make the connection as you chew it, but you’re almost mechanically just eating it. Disappointment now floods through me, and I look for the nearest distraction before tears could form in my eyes. I stare at you, because well, you’ve always been my greatest distraction.

I see the sauce smearing on your lips and the only thing I can think of is how much I wanted that sauce to be my lips. Your lips have always drawn my eyes to it whenever I saw you, and now was no exception. I  gather that sauce that almost sinfully covers up your lips’ natural redness and put it on my own, an episode of wish fulfilment. I continue staring at you hoping you could see the wants and longings I always try so hard to repress. And I can see that you do.

I do not know which of us reached for the other first, all I know is that when your lips touched mine, I felt at peace with the world. I don’t know how we reached your room from the kitchen, all I know was that it was the first time in a long while that I felt like I was home. I don’t know how we got rid of our clothes, or how we decided that I was the one on top, all I knew was that every moment we were physically connected, nothing else in the world mattered but you and I. Every touch, every moan, every expression you made, I imprinted on my mind. And when you finally reached your peak, it was the trigger for me to reach mine.

Weak and almost helpless, I collapse on top of you, breathing in your scent. I revel in the silence, still in disbelief that I’m here beside you.  And then I realize that I might be crushing you. My frame might be small, but my weight is still significant, and so I roll off of you. But the urge to cuddle with you, as we usually did before, becomes so great that I act on it. And so I bring you closer to me, ensuring that every part of me touched every part of you. Subconsciously fulfilling my desire for you and I to become one.

I must have still felt high from the lovemaking we just did and my defenses must have still been down because I surprised us both as I blurted out: “Do you still love me?”

My heart thundered in anticipation, waiting for your reply, but it shattered into pieces when you shook your head. “He doesn’t love me” was the only thought ading my mind. I could feel my throat block up as tears threatened to form in my eyes. I blinked wildly trying to stop them from falling. I was so caught up in my dilemma, I almost didn’t hear you when you said: “Loving you would be detrimental to both of us. We’ll go back to our old ways and fight and cheat on each other again. I don’t want that cycle. I just want us to be friends”.

All I can do is laugh. Logically, you were right of course. Our prides would never allow us to back down from our fights. We had too much history, too much bad blood and hatred between us to really put our defenses down and be vulnerable around each other. We’d just go right back to the cycle we wanted to avoid in the first place. It all sounds very rational, and yet my chest feels as though it’s being pierced through by numerous hot rods with each word you said. I ruffle your hair in an attempt to calm myself down. Touching you has always made me calmer.

My breath hitches up again though when you say: “What about you, do you still love me?”. I wanted to answer yes with all my heart, but a memory of you shaking your head no floods through my mind. Once again, I feel like you’ve stepped down on my pride. Here I am still enamored by you and still loving you, and yet you don’t feel the same. The feeling of unfairness rises up in my throat like bile from my stomach, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. With this, my vengeful side shows itself again. I wanted to inflict upon a you even just a 1/3 of the pain I was feeling. And before I could really think things through, my mouth has already uttered: “Of course not . Don’t assume things Maknae-ah”.

I wanted to strike myself at that idiotic thing I said. Of course you wouldn’t assume anything. Out of the two of us, I would be the one most likely to assume things. After all, wasn’t I the one still hopelessly pining after you?

“It’s okay. At least we know there’s no chance of us getting back together”, you say, and a flare of hope rises through my chest. Why Ri? Did you think that there could have been a chance? “As if there was a chance in the first place”, I say, as I accidentally poke his stomach, my nerves jerky at what could his reply be. A part of me wanted Ri to tell me that yes, of course there was a chance we could be together again. The responsible part of me hoped desperately that he would say no, because if he says that we could be together, I might not have enough strength to fight against the idea of us and just throw everything we’ve worked hard for out the window.

He then says: “There were moments – “ and I cut him off immediately, realizing that he misunderstood my line of thought. “There were none. But –“ I cut myself off. I would have asked him: But if there were, would you be willing to be mine again? But I don’t. My rational side has caught up with me and I know that if I did ask the question, it would be a lose-lose situation. We were a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. And whichever way we answered, we’d end up in a massive bang again, possibly injuring not only us but everyone around us.

“Okay. There were none”, you whisper so softly I almost didn’t catch it.  You burrow your head deeper in my chest as I continue to your hair.

I close my eyes as I say the things that we both expected from me, but I could feel each syllable pierce through my heart as I say: “ This, whatever we are. Let’s keep this at this. Don’t fall in love with me Maknae-ah”. It made the most sense. We couldn’t get back together. A lot was at stake. But I won’t say that I won’t fall for you, because there was no need to address an impossibility. I’ve fallen for you before, and that has never ended, so how could I fall for you again when I’m still deeply and madly in love with you?

“Of course I won’t you pabo. One relationship with you was enough”, you say and I could hear the humor in your voice.  As much as the words you say wound me, I’m happy that you still had that sense of humor that I liked. Sarcastic. Biting. And yet, it perfectly suited you.

I then feel you tugging me and I accommodate your wordless request. I scoot closer to you. I listen to the sound of your breath until it eventually evened out. I couldn’t go to sleep because I had to savor each and every moment I spent with you, knowing how far and few they are in between. And so your even breathing was my companion throughout the night.

It wasn’t until the morning when the peaceful silence was broken by the sound of an incoming message on my phone. I tried to wrest your tight grip on me without trying to wake you up. However, luck must have been on my side as you suddenly let go of me and pushed me. I stood up and tried looking for my neglected cellphone. I finally spotted it beneath your briefs. I look at the screen and severely wished that I didn’t when I saw who it was from and what it contained.

The text came from Soojoo, the girl who the world knew as my current girlfriend. Only 2 people really knew the truth though: me and Soojoo. Dispelling the thoughts that threatened to distract me from my currently dilemma, I focused on re-reading Soojoo’s text which said:  “Your driver told me that you went to Ri’s place again. Be careful Ji. I pleaded him not to report to Sajangnim but he’s getting increasingly worried about possibly losing his job. Since you weren’t reachable last night, me and your driver told YG that you spent the night at my place. But if he suddenly asked for you by calling me through my phone, I don’t think I can keep him at bay for long. Please Ji, you need to come before our lies are exposed”.

Soojoo was obviously panicking and she had a reason to be. So I sent a hurried reply that said: “Thanks. I’ll be there asap!” as I rushed to the bathroom to try to erase the evidence of last night’s events by showering.

When I stepped out of the shower, the first thing I saw was you sleeping peacefully, a beautiful picture in the morning light. I didn’t want to disturb you, but I had to leave now. So I shake you awake and told you briefly that I had to go. My brain was on autopilot the entire time, answering you automatically as my mind tried to memorize each and every detail of you that my eyes could see.

Time seemingly jumped as I suddenly found myself in a taxi, waving at you as we pulled away. Tears started to form in my eyes as I turn my head away from the perfection that is you. Crying about you is the only thing I can do now. Reality has once again reared its ugly head and reminded me of my responsibilities outside of you. I sigh as I know it was time to play pretend with the world again. Let the pretensions begin anew today. 

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A/N: 

So here's a sort of sequel to the first chapter. This is written in Jiyong's POV. Originally, there was no intention for a 2nd chapter, much less that this will be a multi-chaptered fic. But I felt really bad for the hate Jiyong got so I hope, in a way, this clarifies a little bit of his side. Honestly, I only have a vague idea of where this fic is going, so please bear with me if you think it's becoming too uninteresting or you think the writing's going bad. You can tell me how you feel about the fic in general or my writing in the comments below. I would really appreciate feedback. I don't know when I could update again, but during my breaks from university, I'll try to update this. Thank  you for taking the time to read this. :)